Fuddy Duddy

Hello Dr. Nello:

I have an awkward brother and a pushy sister who cannot find love despite both having experienced some academic success. My mother worries for my sister, I worry for my brother, and my father, well, he is too busy stealing grapes one at a time from the grocery store and overcooking bacon to really notice anything.

I have recently heard a rumor that my brother and sister, both conscious that they may never find someone to accept them for who they really are, have toyed with the idea of becoming each other's "safeties." Shall the Hapsburg Jaw replace the Clavin forehead as our family crest? Is there anything to do here?

-- Rightful Claimant Of Father's Wealth Upon His Death

Dear Primogenitor:

I've always believed the best way to prevent inbreeding is to ban country music, but you have presented another challenge to the notion of non-consanguinity. As you have so expressed your concern for your siblings, I have no doubt that you've already tried playing matchmaker, such as using your children to introduce your brother to homely Protestant girls on the beach or outright asking your sister in front of company why she wants to be an old maid.

However, you have other options. For your brother: many mail-order bride companies are now accepting orders from anonymous donors. For your sister: mail-order bride companies might hire your sister if you send them her resume.

Another option is to make them extremely competitive against each other, which will inspire them to beat the other to getting married. Tell one that his graduate school is more highly ranked than his sister, and tell the other that her school is more religious than her brother's. But make sure that you still look better than either of them: tell them both that you have more degrees than them and your school was more religious than either of them.

-- Dr. N

PS. I have a feeling that although your siblings are unmarried, your brother has more hair than you and your sister ... well, she might have more facial hair than you.