遗失护照

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've heard rumors that the U.S. government confiscated your passport and that the Chinese government not only banned you from ever visiting their country, but also from visiting any and all Chinese buffets stateside. Could you please explain why?

-- Sum1

Dear Sum1:

I think it was actually the other way around; bearded Chinese government woman stole my passport while the US government has banned me from visiting Chinese buffets, Old Country Buffets and Jimmy Buffets. I was able to sneak out of the country into Italy, where I sought asylum. (On a side note, I know an elderly Italian who should be in an asylum.)

Hiding in Italia was enjoyable until I saw a shemale and discovered it was Pride Week in Genoa. Pride is a deadly sin, and those people need to be more humble. When I tried to leave, though, I was detained in Munich, I think simply because Germans are mean people.

To answer your question, though, as to why all this started ... I played a joke on the Chinese because I gave them Coke cans that homeless men had gone to the bathroom on. The US government has banned me from the above locations because Obama is angry that Nurse Chris and I are running such a successful presidential campaign.

In the end, I got a new passport by selling my sole (I had a beat-up pair of imitation Converses that apparently are in high demand in Europe). I made it to the States in time for the Fourth of July and, of course, the 2½ anniversary of this website.

-- Dr. N