Specializing in Specieists

Recently we received two letters on the same subject. The first:

Dr. Nello:

Recently in a fierce Facebook debate about the relative worth of breeds of African swallows I was called a "specieist" by some crazy tree-hugging, termite-loving, baby-seal-spraypainting head case. What is a specieist? Is that even a word? I like to add words to the English language with the best of 'em, but this is too far past the lands of truthiness and wikiality for me to follow without some guidance. Can you tell me about ableism while you're at it?

Thanks!

-- Definitionly Deficient

And the second:

Dr. Nello:

My husband is a specieist. Can you help me?

-- Lost in Intersectionality

Dear Man and Wife: One might think you meant "speciesist" (with a total of three s's) which is defined as "[one who has] discrimination in favor of one species ... over another." But of course, there has been no such typo made, and "specieist" is actually a word of its own.

To understand the definition of specieist, we need to look at the root of the word, "specie." A specie, as eveyone knows, is a coin. And this "ist" part means "a person or member." Therefore by calling you a specieist, your wife is saying you are a "member of coins" ... that is, she's calling you greedy. She's asking me for help because you are money obsessed, and you're probably forsaking her good health and well being to hoard your shared bank account to yourself. In other words, you're a "boodlebulient"!

My recommendation to the poor wife: you should purchase your husband a cell phone. This will teach him a lesson.

"Ableism," meanwhile, means "discrimination against handicapped people" in the most common usage, but another, rarer definition is "discrimination against those named Able." This includes Abel from the Bible, the Kane is Able supply company, Abe "Ablie" Lincoln, the Association for Better Living and Education, and Able Bettis, the younger brother of Jerome "The Bus" Bettis. I hope she is not accusing you of this also, or else I think you should join the lesser known AA (Ableists Anonymous).

-- Dr. N