Time To Tweet

Dockteur:

I can't believe you're not here anymore.

-- A Loyal Fan

Dear Loyal Fan:

Unfortunately, due to the economy and our frequent trips to Europe, Nurse Chris and I have not been able to post nearly as much as we used to. We tried to post at least one letter a month, but as avid readers are well aware, we missed June and November.

There is some good news, though. Our main competitor, Justin E. Spired, has quit the business. The Dr. Nello blog was started in January 2007 with the secret mission of bringing the downfall of Justin, and our mission has now been fulfilled.

While we have slowed down, we are not quitting. However, for the rest of the year, we will be changing our business model to something more fitting for these modern times of technology. Or rather, something more "twitting." Starting today, we will share and discover what’s happening right now, anywhere in the world. We know you're excited!

-- Dr. N

Sanitizer, Swines, Sneezes and Spaghetti

Dear Doctor Nello:

Aren't you worried about swine flu, especially with your internation travel? We suggest you wear a mask on the plane. You don't want to get germs from fellow passengers.

-- Muddah and Fadduh

Dear M & F:

The only way I would wear a mask on a plane is if it were Halloween (which it is today, but not when I flew) or in the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure and the oxygen masks appear. Being a medical professional, I am not worried about this supposed "swine flew" disease. Besides, I carry a bottle of hand sanitizer with me. It is six ounces, which Italian security reminded is more than the maximum three ounces allowed before handing it back, and it kills germs just fine.

What bothers me more than catching the flu from fellow passengers is being expected to say "bless you" after one sneezes. Why do I have to say this phrase, especially when someone sneezes several times in a row or, like an older woman I know, fake sneezes several times in a row? After I get back from my November Roman Holiday with Nurse Chris I am going to start a letter-writing campaign to end this archaic practice.

Another bizzare tradition about sneezing is that we are supposed to cover our mouths when eating spaghetti, for fear that we will cause meatballs to roll and grow into spaghetti trees. This is ridiculous! My Nello's restaurant in New York is so successful because of my spaghetti tree that I get wealthy Russian businessmen to drop $52K in one night.

So I say, uncover your mouth, don't say gesundheit and simply soak in sanitizer.

-- Dr. N

MEETING OF THE MINDS

Thief

Dear Nurse Cheesehead:

A few months ago, my brother got Slurpees for himself and me, and of course, he did not buy the flavor I requested. In fact, he didn't buy them at all! He realized recently that, when talking to me on the phone about the Slurpees, he was distracted and walked out of the gas station minimart without paying. Should I turn him in? I doubt there's a reward and oil companies are evil anyway. Since being raised in a family with a "punish the offender and the one who tattles" strategy, I'm 24 years old and still don't know when tattling is appropriate.

-- I Wanted Frozen Coke, I Got Stolen Cherry

Dear IWFCIGSC,

Tattling is a sensitive subject. We all know what happened to Tattle Tale Tit, his tongue was split, and all the little dogs in town had a little bit. Now you mentioned that the oil companies are evil, this is very true, and their evil is two reasons not to do anything about this situation. First, They deserve to be stolen from. Second, they will No Doubt torture you (probably with Gwen Stefani). And third, is there anyway for us, being only human, to make the distinction of whether or not this is a tattle worthy offense? Obviously this decision has been made harder as your parents beat the sense of right and wrong out of you. Hopefully, you can show this letter to a sibling of yours and start a fight.

This truly is a unique letter, as there is no way to answer it properly. There are so many variables; were the Slurpees good? Did you finish them? Did they refresh you properly? Or were they unsatisfactory, in which case they could have been returned for a full refund? (In that case, next time, after they have been stolen, return the mostly finished Slurpees for a 'refund' and earn some cash!) But lastly, my advice to you is to seek counseling to help you cope with all your feelings.

-- N to the Urse

Bloody

Dear Donors:

I hope you are enjoying your summer break!
As you may remember, you signed a pledge, at your last High School Blood drive, to brighten area lives this summer by donating blood between July 1, 2009 and August 31 2009. During the summer months, we have fewer donors than normal coming in to donate and the need for blood greatly increases so your donation can greatly impact your community’s blood supply.

As a sign of our appreciation, you will receive two free movie tickets to Carmike Cinemas. Tickets will be mailed within two weeks after the donation.

-- Customer Service Department, Central Blood Bank

...

Dear Donors:

An e-mail was recently sent in error. In the e-mail, donors were referred to as “having pledged at their last High School Blood drive.” You were incorrectly selected in our system as a high school blood donor. We acknowledge the error in distribution and apologize for any confusion it may have caused.

The incentive that was referenced in the previous e-mail is for a select group of high school donors only.

-- Customer Service Department, Central Blood Bank

Dear CSDCBB:

Fine then. I'm never donating blood again.

-- Dr. N

遗失护照

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've heard rumors that the U.S. government confiscated your passport and that the Chinese government not only banned you from ever visiting their country, but also from visiting any and all Chinese buffets stateside. Could you please explain why?

-- Sum1

Dear Sum1:

I think it was actually the other way around; bearded Chinese government woman stole my passport while the US government has banned me from visiting Chinese buffets, Old Country Buffets and Jimmy Buffets. I was able to sneak out of the country into Italy, where I sought asylum. (On a side note, I know an elderly Italian who should be in an asylum.)

Hiding in Italia was enjoyable until I saw a shemale and discovered it was Pride Week in Genoa. Pride is a deadly sin, and those people need to be more humble. When I tried to leave, though, I was detained in Munich, I think simply because Germans are mean people.

To answer your question, though, as to why all this started ... I played a joke on the Chinese because I gave them Coke cans that homeless men had gone to the bathroom on. The US government has banned me from the above locations because Obama is angry that Nurse Chris and I are running such a successful presidential campaign.

In the end, I got a new passport by selling my sole (I had a beat-up pair of imitation Converses that apparently are in high demand in Europe). I made it to the States in time for the Fourth of July and, of course, the 2½ anniversary of this website.

-- Dr. N

2½ Years

How much longer can this last?

WEIGHT, WHAT DID THE BLUR SAY?

Remember when we posted that People magazine cover of Nurse Chris coming out? Turns out he was coming out ... as a FAT PERSON (which we've hinted at here and here.)

Issue highlights: Nurse Chris really weighs in, Dr. Jello nearly dies from diet, Dr. Nello says "Happy Girthday" to his assistant, Flabby refuses to eat people with transfat.

Letter 100: The Perfect Spot

Nurse Chris and Doctor Nello team up to answer their 100th letter!

Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris:

I've just eaten an entire package of oreos by myself and I want more. I'm also laying in bed for the 3rd consecutive day. I realize I should get up, but I think I found the perfect spot and I'm worried that I will never find this level of comfort again. Please help!

-- They Were Cool Mint Oreos, Double Stuf

Dear They Were Cool Mint Oreos, Double Stuf:

I was starting to to think you were a little crazy until I got to the part where you explained that the Oreos were of the cool mint double stuf variety.

Now we've all dreamed of the perfect spot, only few have actually found it though. I recommend you stay in that spot for now, and give me time to come over and then you can get up and I will let my body sink into the imprint your body has left in the bed. The truth is, I have recently gone through a little bit of a weight increase (in the neighborhood of 200lbs), and my energy and will to move have dropped dramatically. I want that spot. Please though, do whatever it takes to not go to the bathroom until I arrive.

After you've left the spot and realized your mistake, I suggest counseling to help you get over the fact that you lost your only opportunity to be perfectly comfortable.

-- DaN

Dear Doubly Stuffed:

I was sharing your problem with a colleague when she grabbed my collar and yelled, "Do NOT discuss oreos, especially cool mint double stuf, unless you've bought them for me!" I was scared that I might die. I wanted to pass this warning on to you that discussing cookies can be hazardous to your health.

What I find curious about your situation is that you've been laying in bed for three days and just now finished the bag of cookies. If it takes you that long to eat mint oreos and you didn't bring a second package, then I think while you may have found the perfect spot, you don't have what it takes to be a perfect spotter. A perfect spotter must be prepared to either extra food on hand or a loved one dedicated to bringing food. Also, you must either be on a toilet, or whatever you're on becomes a toilet. You should give up now, as you are too weak to be a fabric-skinned lounger.

Or, maybe because I have been having back problems for a while, I'm trying to get that perfect spot from you before Nurse Chris does.

-- DrN

HAPPY 20th, NURSE CHRIS

20 years of great hair.

HAPPY 24th, DR NELLO

24 years of greatness.

Nurse Chris Gets 'Round to Answering Old Letters

Below, Nurse Chris answers some letters from 2007. He apologizes to the writers for taking so long to reply; he was busy ...

Dr. Nello (AND NURSE CHRIS):

Is there a connection between being physically unattractive and being mentally ill? I ask because there seems to be a high percentage of individuals with repulsive bodies who like to wear shirts and pants with slogans claiming to be some sort of hot commodity. [Continue reading...]

-- Concerned After Standing in Line Behind a Man Who Had a List of "Firefighter Pickup Lines" on His Shirt but a Face that Made Me Throw Up a Little in My Mouth

Dear Thrower-Upper:

Yes, I do believe in a correlation between unattractiveness and mental illness. I also believe that you are ugly because ugly people notice each other more. I think, to balance your ugliness, you should get a t-shirt with flirtatious phrases like "Spare Tire" or "I Went to Law School."

You could also try counseling.

-- The Nursenator

Dear Dr. Nello & Nurse Chris:

My mother is worried that I will never get married because I'm already 25. Should I just settle for anyone at this point, or do I still have a chance at making a good match someday? [Continue reading...]

-- Back in the Bend

Dear Bend Over Backwards:

I recommend Joe Kennedy. He is such a nice boy, and you'd never know he was homeschooled for church.

However, if you don't want to do that, you should stay at home with your mom. In your saintly senescent mother's old age, dress as a swan and let your mother feed you. This way you both will be happy; you won't have to find someone and your mom will have you in the area. Who knows, you may even find your own swannie.

And last, but not least, try counseling.

-- nurCe

Hey Fatso

Dr. Nello:

Are you thinking of losing weight? You don't need to kill yourself over that fat belly.

-- Jarrett Meyers

Dear Jarrett:

Ouch! I wasn't thinking of losing weight until I got this email. Am I really that fat? I have stopped shaving recently to hide my double chin, but I didn't think I had let myself go that much. I hope I'm not headed towards morbid obesity like Nurse Chris!

I suppose I need to give myself some advice on this problem. I don't think the "Ask the Dr. Chris" weight loss video would help (it apparently didn't do much for Nurse Cellulite). Amputation would lead to a lower number on the scale, but I'd like to keep what remaining appendages I have. The only option left is dieting.

There are so many fad diets out there, how am I to know which one is the right one? The answer, of course, is disgorging. And what better way to do that than to spend a month in China eating goose necks and chicken claws? I'm bound to get sick and throw up after eating that gross stuff.

I'll have to prepare for my trip by eating plenty of mandarin oranges. I'll probably head over there sometime this summer, and when I get back, I'll be half the size of my adipose assistant (eg, normal sized).

Once again, I am not nearly as pudgy as Nurse Chunky.

-- Dr. N

Dove si Trova il Medico?

Ciao Dottore Nello:

Come stai? E dove siete? Noi siamo tristi perché la vostra saggezza non sia qui negli Stati Uniti. Alcuni di noi sono preoccupati che hai venduto la tua pelliccia, o avete fatto e sposato due donne in una volta? Il medico è un pescivendolo! Per il bene bene, scuotere i cani a fuga nel tempio.

-- Il Custode delle Ultime Foreste Pluviali

Caro Costumi Uomo:

Sto facendo bene qui a Genova, grazie. Ho mangiato un sacco di frutti di mare, ma non salame. Il nucleare sarà costruita. Io non indossare mascara.

Io ritorno agli Stati Uniti il 21 marzo. Si prega di non dimenticarsi di me, e vi prego di ottenere il gatto bagnato mentre io sono andato.

-- Dr. N

PS. Si consiglia di utilizzare Google Translate.

Ma+h He1p

Dr. Nello:

I can't seem to get the right answer. Can you help me?

(x + 3)(x - 2) = (x + 4)(x - 1)

-- Smellvic

Dear Smellvic:

Lucky for you I happened to be a math major/substitute teacher in a previous life. The answer is very simple, so simply in fact that I think you are too stupid to take the NYS Regents at age 12.

(x + 3)(x - 2) = (x + 4)(x - 1)

First, use the FOIL method to simplify both sides.

x² - 2x + 3x - 6 = x² - x + 4x - 4

Then, combine the like terms. (Notice that you can cancel out the x² from both sides.)

-x - 6 = 3x - 4

Subtract 3x and add +4 to both sides.

-2x = 2

Now divide both sides by -1.

x = -1

You should plug x = -1 back into the original problem and check that both sides equal. Don't feel too bad about being so stupid, though. Nurse Chris took the Regents four times and the highest grade he received was 21.

-- Dr. N

Learning About Learning Clocks

Dr. Nello:

At work we had a presentation on the Human Performance Tool of the Month, "Learning Clocks." I thought at first this would be insturctions on how to play the Coldplay song on the piano. Instead, it was about an online clock thing that "trips" everytime there is an "event," and the clock starts again at zero with each event. Most of these events were things like "An employee tripped and fell." (I guess that's why they say it "trips" the clock?)

The presenter then told us we could subscribe to this clock and get daily emails about its current status. After his presentation, people started clapping.

Are worthless HuP Tools like this common at all businesses, or just mine?

-- One Who Doesn't Like to Waste Time

Dear One:

Don't mock the clock! Learning clocks like that are extremely valuable in the business world. As a matter of fact, Nurse Chris and I have our own learning clock. It's new on the right hand side of this screen (if you don't see it, try Firefox). Now you'll know all about the events that happen to the staff here at the blog, probably more than you ever wanted to learn.

-- Dr. N

Cool Cruise or Cold Cuts

Dr. Nello:

Congratulations! You've been identified to receive a FREE Two Night Carribean Cruise for two adults! As our guest, you'll cruise round-trip on the Regal Empress from sunny Ft. Lauderdale, FL, to Nassau in the tropical Bahamas. Your introductory "Fam-Trip" cruise includes a private cabin, all meals and entertainment.

"Fam-Trip" is travel industry jargon for a "Familiarization Trip" which is a free or highly discounted vacation package that most Travel Agents receive as a perk to "familiarize" themselves with fine Resorts and Cruise Ships like ours. We believe you're just as qualified as a travel agent to experience our "familiarization" tours.

Please call; no purchase necessary, no strings attached!

-- Imperial Majesty Cruise Line Vacations

Dear IMCLV:

On the one hand, a free trip to the Bahamas sounds exhilirating. I've wanted to travel there ever since I was supposed to go in 2000 but had to cancel to go to my stupid brother's wedding. (Is it my brother that's stupid, or was the wedding stupid? Maybe both.) And I am not one to easily pass up free food.

Howe'er, I currently have plans to head overseas to Genoa, Italy. I'm attending "InPsyBloCon '09." That's short for "Internatioal Psychaitrist Blogger Convention 2009", where we doctors "psychaitrize" and "blog" like travel agents "familiarize." I'm also stocking up on salami.

(Thank you for explaining the term "Fam-Trip." I thought at first the "Fam" stood for "family," and I thought there was no way in Gahhenoa I was taking them with me.)

This is a tough decision to make; the Bahamas will definitely be warmer, but I've never missed an InPsyBloCon. I think I'll google your service to make sure it's not a scam, and then get back to you.

-- Dr. N

Qreepy Questions

Hello:

Bonus is our middle name, or is it F.E.A.R?

Are they in your closet?
When we will meet again?
See you later.

-- Jodie

Dear Jodie:

I'm trembling so much tonight I will have Nurse Chris syndrome, but at the same time, the puzzling ponderings you pose are so provoking I am persuaded to post.

First off, I'm guessing your middle name is F.E.A.R., and that it stands for "Frighteningly Eerie And Repulsive."

In my closet are a vacuum, ironing board, and clothes; if that is what you mean by "they," then yes. If you are referring to monsters, then I sure hope not.

I have now come to the conclusion that you are the doubleheaded monster in my closet named Jodie F.E.A.R. Teratism, and you want me to meet you so you can kill me. We can never meet again. I'm sorry.

-- Dr N.

PS. Monster or not, make sure you check out our anniversary music video if you haven't already! Even if you have, check it out again!

Two Year Anniversary Dance Lesson

Two years! Celebrate with us by watching this awesome music video/letter-and-response.

Can you count all the new things on the blog? (Hint: check the top of the page ... actually, that's about it.)

Also ... this is the 91st letter. Which means, of course, only nine more letters till the HUNDREDTH LETTER.

731 DAYS

Tuesday marks the second anniversary of this blog. Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris have gone through quite a lot to get to where they are now: movies, music, books, firings, hirings, murders, strikes, bailouts, coming outs, fluctuating reader counts, fluctuating weights, weight loss iTunes programs, and medicinal superpowers. There was that short lived, who-knows-what-it-was-supposed-to-be n08. We began our campaign for president, we were animated once, and (as we accidentally leaked on New Years) we're going to do it again Tuesday.

So what will 2009 hold for us? Dr. Nello hopes to turn 24, after which he will constantly remind everyone that 4/25/2010 is his golden birthday and he expects the party of the century. Nurse Chris hopes to get his Chickipedia page reinstated before he heads off to Europe this fall.