Spiders and Sheets

Dear Doctor Nello:

How often ought a lady change the sheets on beds for her guests? Once a week? Once a year? What if she feels quite certain that giant spiders are occasionally sleeping in the guest beds, but also occasionally laundering the sheets?

-- Confused as a Cupcake

Dear CaaC:

First of all, spiders are not only gross, but dangerous to your eyelashes. Therefore, if you think there are giant spiders in your basement, I recommend bombing the bedroom. Not bug-bombing but literally bombing it to smithereens.

Another approach you can take is arming your guests with mythical swords such as "Sting" from the Lord of the Rings. I fell asleep the last several times I tried watching that movie, but I'm fairly sure that "Sting" slays spiders of great dimensions. (As a side note, I hear the movies were so successful they're novelizing them as a book trilogy. Exciting!)

I have never heard of spiders laundering sheets. However, I do know of a verifiable medical case were a girl had a boil on her face. The boil grew larger and larger until it exploded and hundreds of tiny spiders crawled out.

In general, when spider infestations are not a concern, follow the "underwear" rule for sheets. After two uses, flip and use twice again, then wash.

-- Dr. N