Thorax Side Airbag

Dear Dr Nello:

My son is flying to Europe and I just know that he wants me to go with him. He's never directly asked me and has even stated most emphatically that he doesn't want me to come, but with my motherly intuition I know he really wants me to come. Getting my passport expedited will be the easy part. It's the airport security that's my problem.

For a 62 year old former beauty, I can still still hold my own in a crowd of elderly men. Nonetheless, as most Americans I've never been photographed naked and would prefer not to go that route now. I've never even been naked in a hospital. They supply you with gowns which provide modesty of a sort. Alone in the shower is as far as I take my nudity. I know when the Jews entered the concentration camps they were paraded naked before the Nazis who were going to execute them. Just because the TSA isn't necessarily going to kill us, is it OK to be naked scanned and maybe have the image saved? If so I will refuse to autograph my picture.

Do you suggest submitting to the groping pat down? I'm very ticklish and this could get weird. My sister recently flew from Canada, being fair skinned and blue eyed she looked suspicious and was groped with her blouse being raised and her stomach exposed. My stomach would be the envy of a starving person; however, I'm afraid that all this body touching is unsanitary and I would be at risk of bring home bedbugs or something else awful.

I'm concerned for my boy also. What if the same-sex patter-downer likes men too much? What if they use a woman who would get too friendly? He shouldn't have to travel leaving his modesty in the airport lobby.

What's a mother to do? Please respond promptly, we will be leaving right after Thanksgiving.

-- Doting

Dear Dottie:

First, let's get this straight: although I have never had a mother, I know when a son says he doesn't want to travel with his mom, he means it. Trust me, it is not a good idea to push him to the breaking point with threatening travel plans. Do, however, buy his minor admiration with Christmas presents.

I will now channel the weakened mentality of my missing compadre, Nurse Chris. The following thoughts are not my own, they are of Chabizzle shimself:

"Embrace your nudity! The TSA wants to see you nude? You should be flattered. Most people would have to pay others to look at them naked, and you get a freebie!

If you still mistakenly feel ashamed of your body, do a dance. Dancing releases endolphins into the atmosphere, which make you and anyone else who osmisifies them happy. Plus, moving quickly by shaking like a Quaker will blur the recorded image on the body scanner. A word of warning: I have heard a rumor that, on occasion, the TSA and the TVGuide sometimes cross wires, and your x-ray might end up being the in-flight movie.

In addition, I suggest counseling."

Nurse Chris is weird. Instead of following his advice, opt for the enhanced pat downs. A common misconception is thinking you are to stand still and follow the security agent's orders. Really, it's a game with witheld rules: Patty-Cake-Down. When the agent reaches out his hands for your nethernation, slap his hands back and start chanting "Miss Mary Mack." It's actually quite fun, and I don't know why there are so many complaint news stories out now.

If your son is old enough to travel for business, he can handle himself and his modesty. If a man is hitting on him, he should take advantage and get free stuff like wine bottles or magazine subscriptions, as long as it doesn't lead to a gwedding. If a woman is crushing on him, just set out an extra plate for Thanksgiving.

-- Dr. N

Cracing Costume

Dear Doctor Nello:

I didn't dress up for Halloween this year, carve a pumpkin or eat a single piece of candy. I'm pretty upset with myself for my lack of holiday spirit. I just had a great idea for what costume I could have come up with: I'm on crutches from recent surgery, and I could have been a marathon racer! How hilarious would that have been? I mean, you can't run a marathon on crutches! And the costume would have been simple, I'd just need to slap a big number on my t-shirt and throw on my stylish sweat bands.

Is it too late to use this costume idea in 2010? Diwali, the Indian Halloween, has also come and gone, and I'm not sure what opportunities I'll have between now and the end of the year to dress up.

-- Crippled and Costumeless

Dear C&C:

First of all, don't mock crutch racing, or "cracing." This sport is quickly gaining popularity, especially due to the annual "Crace for the Cure." We are not sure what the cure is, or what it is for, but we are cracing to find it.

I approve of your costume choice, and it is not too late to use it this year. You could always throw a "theme party," but if you're not of that persuasion, you have two days in December. Dec 3 is the International Day of Disabled People, a perfect time to celebrate your handicappity. Dec 9 is Halloween in December, which looks rockin'!

Let me know how it turns out, and if you want to donate to "Crace for the Cure," send me money and I'll make sure it gets to the right place.

-- Dr. N

Can't Stand Canadians

Doctor Doctor:

When I was in Europe, I was told by a Canuck I should put a maple leaf patch on my backpack. He was convinced Europeans hate Americans, and pretending I was Canadian would protect me. I don't like this thinking for two reasons: 1) I like being American, and 2) I don't want to be Canadian. You've been to Europe several times; what's your advice?

-- Undeniably Unitedstatesian

Dear UnUn:

It is a fact that Canadian accents are the most annoying in the universe, so why listen to what this fool? I've never had a problem traveling overseas, and this is because I am not an "ugly American." I am a "very handsome American."

It's not that Europeans hate Americans, it's that they dislike ugly people, so just don't be ugly.

I'd bet fifty Canadian bucks (USD$13) this guy is ugly, as he is from Canada, in which case he is probably hated by Europeans himself.

-- Dr. N

Pancakes, Perhaps Poison, Pose Problem

Dear Dockello:

This morning, I was excited. I had butter, milk, eggs and pancake mix simultaneously for the first time in over a year. I was going to make the best blueberry pancakes of the week, but I was crestfallen to discover the expiration date on the mix occurred three months ago.

I've heard a rumor that expired pancake mix can be poisonous, especially to young men, which is what I consider myself to be. What should I do? I don't want to die, but I'm very hungry and in the mood for flapjacks.

-- Starving in Suburbia

Dear Ving Urbi:

Don't let your crest fall. Poison is an old wive's tale, like allergies or glucose intolerance. It's psychosomatic, which means you'd have to be psycho to believe it could harm you. Expiration dates were invented by the government to scare citizens into buying more when their food is perfectly good. It's all a scheme to support Big Food, Big Government and Big Bird.

If' don't believe me and are afraid to use the "expired" product, you have another choice: make your own mix! You say you have milk, eggs and butter; there are only a few other ingredients needed for PPM. You'll need salt, flour and baking powder. These ingredients, while common, may not be on hand at your house, but there are some simple substitutions you can make.

Baking powder can be replaced with baking soda at a 1:4 ratio, but you must use buttermik. If you forgot to buy a botte of buttermilk, you can bypass this with 1 tbsp balsamic-less vinegar blended with each cup of milk, biding 5 minutes before adding the next ingredients.

Sugar substitutes salt, if the sweetness has been substantially sucked out.

Flour ("fluer") is french for "flower," which means you can fix your flapjack formula with fine flakes of fresh forsythia.

As I'm running out of steam for alliterations, let me just summarize by saying that baking is not a science; anything goes, and as long as you have heart, it'll turn out great!

-- Dr. N

i x i

D-Nell:

What is i squared? +1 or -1?

The worst part about this is that I am asking so I can teach my student! Pray for him. And me.

-- Roots in Rochester

Dear Chester:

I² is when we say something like "I myself" or "me me me, my my my, now now now." It is modern-day shorthand expression that stresses the importance of oneself. It is especially use to show relation to others, such as i² >> u = "I am so much greater than you." This type of notation is most often found on the internet and textual transmissions. It is prevalent among web/phone-enthusiasts like teenagers and, unfortunately, Facebook moms (EPIC FAILS).

Chances are your student, therefore, is already familiar with this term, and there shouldn't be a need for you to teach him. As for whether it is a positive or a negative expression, let's try a thought expiriment: If I hold myself high importance, then i² must give me a positive feeling. If I view myself lowly, then I do not find much importance in myself, and i² does not exist. But, as I am thinking, "I think, therefore, i²," so we have a contradiction. The only way for i² to exist is for it to be positive (+1).

Unless, of course, you are referring to the imaginary number i = √-1, in which case i² = -1, but let's get real.

-- Dr. N

These Dreams

DeaR DoK:

Lately I've had some strange dreams, and these, surprisingly, are not linked to my Vicodin addiction. One dream in particular had me yelling at my mother over a money dispute.

I had Dream Mom pick up smoke detectors following a dream fire in my dream basement. Dream Mom asked me to pay her back, but her list of debts inlcuded art supplies, insulin syringes and furniture she bought for her own house.

This ridiculousness set me off on an obscenity-laced tirade, where I not only got her to cry, but my father and wimpy brother as well. Nurse Chris showed up and and wept shimself.

When I awoke, I was proud of myself for boldly taking a stand against my tyrannical family. Moments later, I lost that feeling, because I fell back asleep.

How should I feel about this dream? While it felt good to fantasize about four-letter word flip-outs, I ... probably shouldn't?

-- *!@#-Dreamer

Dear Dr. Eamer:

No need to feel shame or remorse at all! That's the beauty of dreams: in addition to flying, dreams allow us to vent our frutrations at our family and friends over both real-world and dream-world issues. I encourage you to not only embrace these nocturnal vulgarity visions, but increase their frequency.

It's pretty simple to do. Dreams are our brains replaying memories from our subconcious, combined with alien transmissions and whatever happened in the plot of Inception (I still haven't seen it).

Because the only part of dreams we can control is our memories, we need to influence them. Write down a list of all the bad words you know and leave the notepad on your nightstand. Even if this doesn't influence your dreams, it will expand your vocabulary. As you lie in bed, think about the people who are causing you grief in the real world, like your mother, frenemies, coworkers or Sims character.

Wear headphones and listen to Heart's "These Dreams" (so you dream), Cee-Lo's "Forget You" (a censored song about swearing), and LaRoux's "Bulletproof" (one of those weird electropop songs that will ensure your dream is vivid). You'll feel such relief when you express your grief in your dream, peppered with profanity.

It's interesting that Nurse Chris would show up in your dream -- perhaps he has entered another dimension? He is still legally missing, and it's worrying me, because I'm afraid I won't be getting back that $20 he owes me.

-- Dr. N