Senor Rita (It's a Mr. Ri)

Dear Doc:

My sister is starting to worry me. She has absolutely no self esteem. "Bertha" calls herself man-woman, and recently asked my mother, "If children are like pancakes, why'd you make me so thick?" And one time I was looking in a mirror at a restaurant, and said "Who is that good looking guy?", referring to myself obviously, and my sister replied, "Me? Oh wait, you said good looking." Should I be concerned about this? Or should I be happy that she won't get her hopes up too high.

-- Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Connect-the-Dots:

I can't believe you're just now starting to worry. In cases like these the "Mister Sister" exhibits strange behavior for quite some time before the self-identity issues. Does your sister ever use halitosis as a weapon, speak Japanese or bathe in mayonnaise? All these are an indication of liquoreecha, an unfortunately common and severe affliction. Luckily there is a cure. In fact there are two cures! The first cure is a witch's brew made of nightshade, saffron and cat's blood mixed in a large black cauldron; drinking this in a graveyard during a full moon has been known to heal on at least three occasions. The second, which is slightly more practical, is to send your sister away to finishing school, however this may end up costing more than the first option.

-- Dr. N