My Car is Trying to Kill Me

Dear Dr Nello:

My car has been having some problems over the past few years, with various parts failing (rear defrost, windshield wiper, window motors, hummervalve, etc). Recently, I had a major issue when one of my wheels fell off when I was driving my morbidly obese niece to "Take a Jerk to Work Day." Luckily I had pulled over before the wheel came off, but I could have died.

Although my niece is extremely overweight and it was the front passenger wheel (where she was sitting) I would've thought the car should've been able to handle such pressure without popping off the tire. Do you think my car is trying to kill me?

-- Scared of My Vehicle

Dear Scared:

I don't think your car is trying to kill you, I think God is trying to give you a hint. Though you are probably a very handsome fellow with decent photography skills and a working knowledge of Italian romantic phrases, you have some slight faults that are holding you back from getting a wife. Maybe it's the fact you didn't get accepted to a Top 5 business school, you "left the system" in sixth grade, you wear a black tie with brown shoes or you have a barely noticeable scar on your cheek. These are all things that are preventing you from marrying a super hott chick, and what you need to win this fine woman is a flashy new car.

You probably have wanted a new car for years, but have yet to really do anything about this, and God is telling you to move your butt. If you won't buy a new car unprovoked, he's going to destroy your current one to force you.

I hear the bank has a good deal on loans if you buy by May 31. Good luck!

-- Dr. N