Causerie on Curses

Deere Doctor:

There's a curse on my house or my family or something, and it's bad. Every Saturday, someone gets seriously injured fingerwise. First my brother nearly chopped his fingertip off, then my other brother sliced his finger on a shard of glass. But there's more to the curse than just that! My first brother injured his index finger, and my second brother hurt his middle finger. Naturally, the next finger to go is the digitus medicinalis, the ring finger!

Obviously curses are real, so I'm scared redunculously that I'm next. At the same time, I have a glimmer of hope. I noticed that the injuries have only occurred when my brothers were home alone doing chores. I'll be cleaning Friday but not Saturday, as I'm going to my cousin's wedding out of town. Also, the first affliction was severe enough to warrant a trip to the ER, but the second wasn't quite as serious. I hope this means that the next incident will be very minor.

What do you think of my predicament? Am I safe as long as I stay out of town? If not, what can I do to break this curse (instead of my finger)?

-- Distraught over Doom of Digit

Dear D°D°D:

If movies such as "The Ring" or "Final Destination" have taught us anything, it's that stupid horror films make for more stupid sequels. Something else we can learn from them is that curses can't be avoided but then can be overcome.

First, let's examine what's likely to happen. The first two injuries were just a taste of the awfulness that is about to come. The damage will not be less, it will be far greater than before. (I'm thinking your finger will explode, or liquefy, or become a hotdog.) It will occur on Saturday, whether you are home or not, because "home is where the fart is." You are correct that it will be the ring finger, and luckily there are some options.

You can battle, trick or transfer the curse. Battling the curse will involve extensive research to see what its origin is and will likely involve a confrontation with the Goblin King and dramatic shouting of "You have no power over me." You might try tricking the curse by wearing a foam finger or something similar (but this could backfire if the foam finger spontaneously ignites). Finally, you can transfer the curse by getting another family member to do a chore on Saturday and saying the magic words "ishyha maka." Be careful, though, and don't blame me if your cousin's finger falls off while she's cutting the cake.

Let me know how it goes, if you can still type.

-- Dr. N