Nonanonymous, But Still Stupid

Dear NC:

I have this friend ... um ... we'll call her "Janet." She has an obsession with sending you e-mails that are neither funny nor clever (it will be easy to spot them). You and the doctor have been kind enough to answer them, but I can guess how much of a pain it is. I desperately need advice on how to tell her that her e-mails probably should have never even been written they're so stupid. I really don't want to hurt her feelings (I hope she doesn't realize this letter is from me) but if it's necessary, then I'll do it.

But there is something else too. I have to be the worst speller in the world. I once wrote a valentine for some friends, and instead of writing,"Domenica and Krissy" I wrote, "Damn it, Krissy." Can you help me at all?

-- [Please Insert Name Here]

PS. I'm glad to finally find out your gender! Though I still doubt it's possible to change from male to female...

Dear No Name:

Nurse Chris is dead, but I'll pass on the message.

We are quite familiar with "Janet." I have actually received phone calls from this individual (which is strange and slightly disturbing as I have an unlisted number). She has demanded to know why her some of her emails went unanswered, and I explained that I refuse to answer questions that 1) refer to cats as humans, 2) contain "Nello-head" or "Dr. Quack," or 3) simply don't make any sense. She seems to have gotten the message as it has been months since I've heard from her. You don't need to worry about Janet.

For others, though, how do you politely tell them their emails are stupid without offending them? The answer is simple: you can't do it politely. Just be rude and blunt. Some things are more important than friendships, such as intelligence, pride, money and chocolate.

As to the spelling issue, I think a better question is why were you writing a valentine to two girls at once? I suggest investing in an unabridged dictionary, a swift kick in the butt, and (in memory of Nurse Chris) counseling.

-- Dr. N