Fulfilling your prescription ... for life!
Send us an email at doctor.nello@gmail.com.
An album to remember.
Please submit by 04/25/1985 on triple-sided Alligator Imitation Paper.

Stinky Problems

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I didn't read your caution soon enough, and I read your interesting questions and wise answers 239 times and then once more! Do you have any medical remedies to cure my current situation? Your answer might require the potty humor warning (I hope).

-- A Stinkin Devotee


Dear Stinkin:

Unfortunately this is a very serious problem. Fortunately there are several remedies. Products such as
Gas-X and Beano can be very useful. The problem with medications like these, is that it can get very pricey.

A cheaper alternative is never going into a poorly ventilated room with other people, or just avoiding going indoors all together when you are not alone.

A third possibility is just pretending you don't have the problem. If someone accuses you, just act like they're crazy, or blame it on someone else. Luckily, millions of Americans have this problem so you have a good chance of guessing right when you blame someone else. Usually blaming a man yields better results.

If none of those help you, I suggest counselling to help you overcome your embarrassment.

-- Nurse Chris
| 2 comments | Thursday, January 25, 2007
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NAME THAT BABY!

As of now, the newest Snell child is unnamed. All we know is that it is an 8 pound boy. So we are asking our readers, what should his name be? Here are some pictures to help...

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

[UPDATE: This baby is now named Constantine Michael, but if you still want to submit suggestions, there are a few more grandchildren in this family due before the year is out!]
| 8 comments | Tuesday, January 23, 2007
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Meat, Cheese, and Name-Calling

Dear Doc and Nurse:

I'm not very well liked in my house, and sometimes I get things thrown at me unexpectedly (like a bag of meat or a block or cheese). Most of the time my parents aren't around so they don't see it happen to me. If I tell them, my brothers might call me mean names like "Tattle tale," "Ugly," "Stupid," or even throw more meat and cheese at me! This has to stop! But how?

-- Black and Blue

P.S. Has Nurse Chris's test come in? I hope you like the results!


Dear Black and Blue:

I think you need a new perspective on your situation. Do you think starving people in Elbonia feel sorry for you that you have meat and cheese thrown at you? Next time free, delicious food is so graciously handed to you, remember those less fortunate. As for your brothers' name-calling, they are doing you a favor with their destructive criticism. This way when someone calls you less (yet still) offensive names like "monkey butt" or "dumb face," you're prepared to not only take it, but dish it out as well.

What I want you to do is thank your brothers for the nutrition and character building they are providing you. Offer to clean their room, buy them something expensive, or just let them punch you. You'll all benefit from this kind of relationship.

Nurse Chris's gender test was accidentally destroyed by the testing company, and a new test is scheduled for the near future. Nurse Chris doesn't mind ... gender tests are fun (for Nurse Chris, anyway)!

-- Dr. N
| 0 comments |
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Nurse Chris "Nose" What's Best

Dr. Nello:

In addition to having a nose that could pick a lock, my wife has a sharp tounge. Tonight she told me that "she is the only woman she knows who's husband doesn't take out the garbage" to which I replied that I would begin taking out said trash when she starts cooking dinner. To which she replied that she did, in fact, make dinner last week twice.

That being a week ago, I don't remember all that well -- maybe she did. But my main points are still true: my father steals grapes and at times blows his nose very loudly.

What are my obligations in these regards?

-- 190lbs and Counting

Dear 190:

It seems you never had a good father figure while growing up, and therefore cannot be held accountable for not knowing exactly what the perfect husband is required to do. In fact, your wife should be thankful that you are not a grape thief and are more polite about nose blowing.

On the other hand, you need to consider that maybe your wife's lack of cooking is a blessing. When she does cook? What is it? Is it any good? If I were you, I would continue to not take out the garbage so that your wife won't cook and you can enjoy your meals at a restaurant.

If you do actually like your wife's cooking, but still don't want to take out the garbage, then all I can do for you is suggest that you and your wife seek counseling. If she refuses, go alone.

-- Nurse Chris
| 1 comments | Monday, January 22, 2007
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Speaking of Noses, Here's a Picked-On Boy

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I have an extremely annoying family. Just to give you some examples of how annoying they are: Whenever I come back from work (I am a cashier at a grocery store), everybody in my family asks if a customer reached over the counter and slapped me across the face. I say no. They seem to find this funny, but it is obviously not funny, it is just plain ANNOYING! It's also the same thing for piano lessons, they ask me if my teacher slapped me, and they still think it's funny. Even my mother does it.

What should I do to make my family stop being so annoying?

-- Picked-On Teenager


Dear Picked-On:

You feel that your family is annoying from the way they treat you, but, have you considered what it would be like if they ignored you? Maybe they just are trying to start a conversation with you but don't know how. Try starting a conversation with people before they get a chance to ask you about other people slapping you. Soon enough, these people won't feel the need to use the same conversation starter anymore! If this doesn't help you, I suggest counseling.

-- Nurse Chris

| 0 comments |
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Big Things Coming

Dear Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris:

I am constantly blown away with your sagacious answers to your patients questions. It is certainly just a matter of time before you two are offered a national syndicated column or show. Have you thought about this?

Is their any chance you two could ever split up and strike out on your own? Have you considered adding your mothers to this blog? I bet they would be a most welcome addition; after all I assume you learned at the feet of the master.

-- This Side of the Ohio River

Dear Ohio:

Not only do we have syndication in the works, but also a book publishing, record signing, and even upcoming movie! We'll be informing you in the next few months how all this is coming along.

Our book is tenatively entitled "The Doctor Is In (And So Is His Nurse): Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris Answer Questions About Many Problems: Whether Medical, Social, Relationshipal, or Chemical, They Answer Them All: A Collection of the Greatest Q&A's, Volume I (2007 Edition)" and subtitled "Fulfilling Your Prescription ... For Life!" This will be, naturally, our "best of" book. It's due to come out around the end of the year, so add that to your Christmas lists!

As for our recording deal, we're now signed with Smash Records, the same company that houses other artists such as Snoopy the Dogg, Jefferson Starplane, Nudacris, and the Smashing Pineapples. We're still debating what stage names we're going to use: our top candidates are "The Doktor and his Nurze," "N 'n N," and "N.E.L.L.O." Whichever we pick, we're planning on using one of the others for the title of the album. After we pick a name we'll probably pick a genre.

Our movie (which will come after we guest star in "Naked Death VIII: Murder, Au Naturel!") is based on the true story of how we started our profession of helping people, and will include our trip to the moon, winning the Nobel Peace Prize, and ending the Clone Wars.

As for splitting up, I would never never do that. (Am I emphasing the neverality by repeating the word, or secretly using a double negative to mean "not never"? I'm not sure myself.)

-- Dr. N
| 1 comments | Tuesday, January 16, 2007
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Specializing in Specieists

Recently we received two letters on the same subject. The first:

Dr. Nello:

Recently in a fierce Facebook debate about the relative worth of breeds of African swallows I was called a "specieist" by some crazy tree-hugging, termite-loving, baby-seal-spraypainting head case. What is a specieist? Is that even a word? I like to add words to the English language with the best of 'em, but this is too far past the lands of truthiness and wikiality for me to follow without some guidance. Can you tell me about ableism while you're at it?

Thanks!

-- Definitionly Deficient

And the second:

Dr. Nello:

My husband is a specieist. Can you help me?

-- Lost in Intersectionality

Dear Man and Wife: One might think you meant "speciesist" (with a total of three s's) which is defined as "[one who has] discrimination in favor of one species ... over another." But of course, there has been no such typo made, and "specieist" is actually a word of its own.

To understand the definition of specieist, we need to look at the root of the word, "specie." A specie, as eveyone knows, is a coin. And this "ist" part means "a person or member." Therefore by calling you a specieist, your wife is saying you are a "member of coins" ... that is, she's calling you greedy. She's asking me for help because you are money obsessed, and you're probably forsaking her good health and well being to hoard your shared bank account to yourself. In other words, you're a "boodlebulient"!

My recommendation to the poor wife: you should purchase your husband a cell phone. This will teach him a lesson.

"Ableism," meanwhile, means "discrimination against handicapped people" in the most common usage, but another, rarer definition is "discrimination against those named Able." This includes Abel from the Bible, the Kane is Able supply company, Abe "Ablie" Lincoln, the Association for Better Living and Education, and Able Bettis, the younger brother of Jerome "The Bus" Bettis. I hope she is not accusing you of this also, or else I think you should join the lesser known AA (Ableists Anonymous).

-- Dr. N
| 1 comments |
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Put Thief In Jail

Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

My father often steals grapes from the grocery store. Not bags or bunches, but a sample snacker or two. This practice is both unsanitary and unethical, is it not?

I would estimate that through the years he has consumed about 800-1000 grapes that he has not paid for, and although in his mind he views this activity akin to squeezing a melon for ripeness, I can't believe that the grocer or the magistrate would agree.

What are my moral and civil obligations in this regard? Also, I recall hearing once that you can get paid to make a citizen's arrest ($200 or so); do you know if this is true?

-- Distraught in Dixie

Dear Dixie:

Bless you for your honestly. It's not easy to admit your parents are criminals, which your father certainly is. 800-1000 grapes is not just petty larceny, it's grand theft. It seems like your dad doesn't understand the magnitude of his crimes. He may very well put the grocery store out of business if he isn't stopped soon. He also may be spreading diseases to other innocent customers.

As for making a citizen's arrest, all states except North Carolina pay varrying amounts for your good deeds. Be warned though, if you feel your father is a dangerous man, I strongly recommend that you let the police handle him.

If you don't feel like you can have your own father arrested, I suggest counseling to help you sort out your feelings.

-- Nurse Chris
| 1 comments | Saturday, January 13, 2007
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Grades, Games, and Girls

Dear Dr. Nello:

My grades in graduate school have been suffering ever since I subscribed to GameTap and got a girlfriend. Should I be worried that I have an A- average if my game play is at an all time high and my girlfriend is A++ hot? I need help!

-- C is for Confused

Dear Hay is for Horses:

I'm confused: you've subscribed to GameTap and also got a girlfriend? How is that possible? Unless of course you mean you've created a cybergirlfriend. I'm sorry to tell you that computer generated females do not count as legitimate partners. You should terminate the simulations immediately! I suggest getting in touch with "Bend." I think the two of you could benefit greatly from meeting. But after that get rid of your GameTap subscription. It's doing more harm than good.

As for your suffering grades, I'll let Nurse Chris answer.

-- Dr. N

Dear C:

The reason your grades are falling isn't because of too much game time, but rather too little. It's a proven fact that video games help improve hand-eye coordination which in turn will somehow help your studies. Dump the girl!!! "Women" = "rules agains video games." No girl, more games: higher grades.

If your grades continue to fall, I suggest counseling.

-- Nurse Chris
| 3 comments | Friday, January 12, 2007
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Looking For Love

Dear Dr. Nello & Nurse Chris:

My mother is worried that I will never get married because I'm already 25. Should I just settle for anyone at this point, or do I still have a chance at making a good match someday? Also, she has been vocal about her belief that I should only date guys within a small radius of where she lives. It seems to me that conflicts with her first wish of me marrying soon because it would restrict the possibilities. Furthermore it is complicated by the fact that I actually live 10 hours away from home, so I'm not even in that radius. What should I do?

-- Back in the Bend

P.S. What are your qualifications in the relationship department?

Dear Bend:

Your mother is rediculous. Plenty of people are older than 25 when they get hitched. Take for example Howard Marshall, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and Elizabeth Taylor. Even Demi Moore was 42 when she married Ashton Kutcher!

Let's be honest, though, you are past your prime, and you have slim pickings left. I'd suggest online dating. I'm not referring to eHarmony or DesperateForLove.com, but gamer websites like GameTap or MSN Zone. These sites are full of young, single men who would do anything for a girlfriend, and chances are very high that one lives near your mother. Believe it or not there are also mail-order husband catalogs; I'd suggest perusing these.

Supposing you are able to find a more suitable mate outside of these venues, I ask you why does the location of these men even matter to your mother? What I recommend is lying. When you meet a good man from far away, tell your mother that he really does live within ten miles, and even give her a phony address. If she looks him up on MapQuest and can't find it, tell her, "Oh, he lives in the country and is unlisted." If you give her an address that turns out to be real and she tries to visit him, say, "Oh, he just moved and I don't have his new address yet." If she gets suspicious just remind her of your advanving age and she'll stop pestering. This only has to last as long as the courtship. If after the wedding she discovers the truth, there's not much she can about it as you'll be out of her radius anyway.

There's something strangely consanguineous about your letter, so I'll have to inform you that I'm happily married to my beautiful wife. Sorry. But Nurse Chris may in fact turn out to be a man ...

-- Dr. N
| 3 comments |
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Some Praise ...

Dr. Nello:

I was recently informed of your website a couple of days ago as I convalesced from a throat ailment. With time on my hands, I read several of your columns and in general was amused and somewhat informed, in particular on the subject of cats and diseases.

Mostly though, I think I spent time on your sight because of that sultry blonde nurse, whose eyes I felt following me from their postion on reflection on your cheap sunglasses. No matter where I stood in my kitchen (that is where my 'puter is) those eyes followed me. Whether behind the table, in front of the stove, or tucked inside the dishwasher, they traced my every move. I lept up -- and they followed me to my jump's very apex!

And unlike those of my wife, Mona Lisa or George Washington on the one-dollar bill, Nurse Chris's eyes don't seem tired and bored with me.

Nurse Chris, you can take my temperature any time! I bet you will find that I have a "fever," if you know what I mean.

-- Motor City Man

Dear Motor City Man:

I think you should save your flirtations until the official gender tests are returned, but nevertheless I am passing your letter on to Nurse Chris.

-- Dr. N

Dear Motor City Man:

As Dr. Nello said, I'm not ready for any sort of relationship until I know my own gender. And while I am grateful for the compliments, I do suggest counseling for you.

-- Nurse Chris
| 0 comments |
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Some Criticism ...

Dear Quacker-Nello:

Is it true that you have never been to medical school, and are not even listed as having attended your local high school, except for some brief appearances after you supposedly were graduated with honors from a university somewhere west of Pittsburgh? Also it's been rumored that you appeared on stage at Carnegie Hall, were pelted with melons, and think you are earning some sort of advanced degree. Is there any truth to this? Oh, your poor sainted mother!

-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

None of what you claim is true, including the mother part. I have no mother.

-- Dr. N
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Look For Signs of Appreciation

Dear Nurse Chris:

I'm not writing to the doctor anymore as he is very selective about which queries he'll answer. Actually, I make better question than he makes answer. So to you, the compassionate nurse Chris, I ask this question. I have a friend (let's call her "Mary"); she is very sweet and wise and full of advice, but her children won't even listen to, much less implement, her wisdom. A shame, as she could be the moral Dear Abbey or the polite Dr. Laura. I know that the real loss is on the part of those foolish whelps of hers, but in general, is there a way for parents to pass on their wisdom and know before they die that their children have listened to them? Wouldn't it help on so many levels? Imagine a world where fools could learn other than in the hard school of experience. This problem is not new to my friend, it has its root in ancient times. As that wise King Lear said, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!"

-- All's Not Well in Endwell


Dear
Endwell:

Many parents don't realize how much their children really do appreciate and learn from them. I can almost guarantee problem is Mary's own fault. It is not in style for kids today to outwardly express their thanks to their parents, so Mary needs to look deeper to see that her children are learning from her. Has Mary even noticed her children eating the food that she made? If so, that's probably their way of saying, "Thanks mom, we really have learned a lot from you."

If Mary still cannot see how grateful her children really are, I suggest she seek counseling, with or without her children.

-- Nurse Chris
| 0 comments |
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It's Not Just Your Voice

Dear Nurse Chris:

My voice is very annoying and people don't like to listen to it. Also, I don't tell good stories or funny jokes and yet I always feel the need tell a lot of them when I'm in a crowd. My psychaitrist suggested not talking at all but that didn't help; my mouth is too big and words inevitably escape. I am considering either getting voice lessons or gluing my mouth shut. What do you recommend?

-- Cat Should Have My Tongue

P.S. I hope your test went well! Was it enjoyable?

Dear Chubby & Ugly:

My advice is this, always carry some celery with you. Every time you have the urge to speak just shove some in. Plus, chewing celery can help you lose some much un-needed pounds.

Gender test are always a pain.

-- Nurse Chris
| 0 comments | Thursday, January 11, 2007
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The Many Hairstyles of Dr. Nello

Dr. Nello:

A couple of observations and then a question. First, as I browsed your photos I noticed that at some points it seems as if you are working to achieve a St. John look, but at other times the approach is more a St. James and then even Jesus himself. Then out of the blue, you work in a Clay Aiken. Next, onto a (perhaps unconscious) attempt to mirror a young Freud.

Why so many looks in such a short period of time? Will you ever settle on one that suits you, or shall you continue down this trial and error (operative word is error) approch for a while still?

-- Virginia Vouyer

Dear Virginia:

I'm hurt that you didn't include some of my personal favorites, the Rico Suave and the FauxHawk. Thanks, though, for noticing the evolution of my coiffure. I use my hair for more then just a head warmer. I express my adoration for my heroes through styling my do. As you've observed, I honor the saints, the great thinkers, and Mr. T.

Will I choose a permanent fuzz cut? There are still a few more great people that I'd like to honor, such as Bono, Patrick Stewart, and Dennis Rodman. But someday I'll settle down with a simple crop top, or maybe invent my own style.

(Um, that Clay Aiken one; I was on medication at the time and I apologize to all those who witnessed it.)

-- Dr. N
| 1 comments | Wednesday, January 10, 2007
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Heed Warning Signs: Kill Cat Now!

Dr. Nello and Staff:

I keep two cats around the house for my family's protection. As a good mother I don't want my family to get the bubonic plague, and I know it is transmitted by rats, and that cats kill rats. So far the system is working well, and no one in the family has come down the the plague or even rat bites. However, some family members resent, threaten and even growl at the cats on a regular basis. This causes me great stress and my nerves are getting frayed. Should I adopt more cats?

-- Cat Woman

Dear Crazy Cat Woman:

It is extremely dangerous that you assume cats help prevent the bubonic plague! Recently there have been several cases of cats carrying this terrible disease. Click here to read a case in USA Today. Do the world a favor and slaughter those disgusting beasts.

-- Dr. N
| 0 comments |
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The Mustache Connection

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've recently become worried. My father has, since before I was born, had a mustache. Now I've always been aware that the "stache" was a style of a different era, but I've made a frightening discovery. It appears that almost all evil dictators of the last 100 years have had mustaches, Hitler, Stalin, Saddam, Geraldo, Bill Clinton, and Oprah. I'm worried that my dad is also an evil dictator. What other signs should I look for, and if he is in fact evil, what should I do about it?

-- Frightened and Alarmed

Dear FAA:

Not all mustaches are a sign of evil, but as you are now aware it is the first indication of one bent on world domination. To be sure you should measure the girth vs the length of the mustache. If you get a value between 7 and blue, then this is a sure sign that your father is the next Castro. Another tell-tale sign is if you've ever noticed your father's mustache glow in the dark; only tyrants possess this ability (look closely at Mary Worth's upper lip to see what I mean).

If you're convinced that your father is a potential despot, I strongly recommend making his Favorite Child List. This way when he takes over the world you could earn a high position of authority, like Governor of France or the Prime Minister of Wal-Mart. Perhaps you'll even have a statue of yourself erected (though this will quite likely be toppled when Geraldo makes his move).

If you feel unconformtable aiding a dictator, there is another option, though it is a risky one. You could stage a coup against him in an effort to either prevent him from carrying out his plans on enable yourself to take over the world. Shaving off his mustache while he sleeps will drain him of his evil super powers (and meanwhile try to grow one of your own). However, should anything go wrong, don't be surprised if you end up grounded for a week.

-- Dr. N
| 3 comments | Tuesday, January 09, 2007
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A Lot of BS

Dr. Nello or Nurse Chris:

I have Belinda's Syndrome, also known as BS. When I am walking someplace unfamiliar and realize I have made a wrong turn, if there are other people nearby I am too embarrased to just turn around. I have to keep walking until I can find another path. Sometimes this requires me to walk through the whole building, down a few floors, out a back exit, around the outside of the building and through the front door again. Sometimes I reach a dead end and have to climb to the ceiling to escape through a vent. Once I had absolutely nowhere to turn and ... well, let's just say it wasn't a happy day for me or anyone who happened to be there.

My BS has progressed so far that I have this problem if I merely sense someone a few hundred feet away. I've tried counseling and medication and nothing is working. What can I do?

By the way, I hope Nurse Chris's gender evaluation is successful!

-- Belinda S.

Dear Belinda:

You're not alone. Thousands of Americans suffer from B.S. Unfortunately there is no real cure for this. Have you considered not leaving home? Another possibility: whenever you feel nervous just use a distraction, for instance you could pull the fire alarm if its nearby or maybe fake death. That will distract everyone around and when they aren't looking you can make a run for it. Also, if you miss a turn and need to turn around, just pretend you are doing a dance. Who knows, maybe others will join you. My last idea is about counseling. Have you tried switching counselors?

As for my gender test results, the doctor is sending them into a lab and hopefully I will have the results in a few weeks.

-- Nurse Chris
| 1 comments |
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Clear Some Spacement in the Basement

Nurse Chris:

My mother, God bless her in her very old age, has a habit of either shortening words (like "puter" for "computer"), changing the letters of words ("spacement" for "basement") or altogether making up new ones ("boyhead"). She'll often assign chores in this manner ("Get off the puter and clean the spacement, boyhead!"). She makes herself laugh, but not many others. How can I deal with this, short of just ignoring her?

-- Handsome Devil, USA

Dear Devil:

Sounds like your mother is a very funny person! But obviously, not everyone can take this kind of humor. You say ignoring her doesn't work, so I think you should try the opposite. Just play along with her. Next time she says, "Get off the puter and clean the spacement, boyhead!" simply reply, "Momboy, I will puterize all I want, go get one of the catheads to clean the spacement."

Another option is having your mother attend WWA (Weird Words Anonymous). If that still doesn't work, I suggest counseling for both of you. If your mother refuses, go alone; at least your counselor will be able to help you with your emotional pain.

-- Nurse Chris
| 3 comments |
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College BreakDOWN

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I am a really cool and popular 19 year old boy. Here is my problem: while I'm home from college I am stuck in a home with possibly the worst three people you could imagine.

One is my little sister, "Sara;" she is homeschooled, and it shows. I can't go anywhere in public with her around.
Next is my younger brother, "Dan." Dan is also homeschooled, but that's the least of his problems. He claims to be over his bed wetting problem, but I know he's lying. I've many times witnessed him changing his sheets in the early morning, and even wetting his bed from about 10 feet away in the middle of the day! It wouldn't really bother me except that I share a room with him.

The last person is my mom (we'll call her "Mary"). Mary is constantly on my case because I have TUDE. It's not my fault I'm like this, she raised me. She is the one being bossy and not buying me everything I want!

None of this really affects my social life or anything because these people don't bother me when I'm at school, but I was just wondering how I could make breaks from school more bearable. If you both could answer, so I can pick the best response, I would be appreciative.

-- Trapped at Home


Dear Trapped in the Closet:

I am very sorry for you, those truly do sound like some of the worst three people to live with. But I think I can imagine three worser people. Think of what your life would be like if you had to live with Rosie O'Donell, Dora the Explorer and that Dell "Dude!" guy.

For your sister, I recommend buying her a T-shirt that reads "Homeskooled." Now when people see her acting weird, they will assume she's doing it on purpose, and she's seen as "cool" in the same way that nerds are cool if they're purposefully nerdy. For your brother, you could verbally and physically abuse him until his problem stops (it should only take a few days). For your mother, I recommend you have her read our article on TUDES. Also, play Kelis's "Bossy" and Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" until she gets the message (this has worked on my own mother!). [NOTE TO PARENT'S: "BOSSY" IS A RAP SONG WITH MILD LANGUAGE.]

-- Dr. N

Dear Trapped:

Sounds like all you need to do is change your outlook. For Sara, try imagining that she is actually your pet monkey. While she may seem to be a stupid human, she would probably be a very smart monkey!

You obviously don't understand your brother very well. He probably has territory control issues and subconsciously tries to warn intruders. This is quite common in many species of animals.

Your mother is probably just tired of children. Dealing with three kids for nearly 20 years can drive a woman crazy and that is probably why she cannot tolerate TUDE. Try to be less TUDEish around her as at this point you will not be able to change her.

--Nurse Chris

P.S. For all of you who are wondering about my gender, I am going to the doctors tomorow to find out. I will keep you informed!
| 0 comments | Monday, January 08, 2007
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ADVISORY WARNING LABELS

It has come to our attention that small children and their parents may be offended by the content of certain posts. We apologize to any who have taken offense, and would like to present our new advisory warning labels.









The blue label means that there will be potty humor present (like "What kind of poker hand does a king's toilet always get? A royal flush!")
and the orange label means that there will be sarcasm (like "That's too bad that you're an idiot.").

We hope that this makes your time on our site much more enjoyable.
| 0 comments |
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Emotions, Emoticons from Enormous Enthusiast

Dear Dr. Nello:

Your blog is the greatest! I've been following it from the very beginning. You and Nurse Chris are so helpful and kind. Your love and care towards these poor people brings tears to my eyes. Keep up the good work! :-)

-- Your biggest, biggest fan

Dear Biggest, Biggest Fan:

We're flattered that you've followed our site for a whole three days, and it brings tears to our eyes that there are people like you out there. You are also the reason why we lock our doors at night.

-- Dr. N
| 0 comments |
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Blog Bitterness and Chris Confusion

Dr. Nello:

I hope you can help me. Recently, I started a blog and thought I was pretty cool until one day, my little brother started a blog too. Not only does he have cooler graphics and a better layout, but I think he's actually FUNNIER than I am. I haven't been able to sleep or stop eating since I found this out because I am insanely jealous. What should I do?

-- Desperate in Steub...I mean, South Bend

P.S. Nurse Chris looks a lot like a man in a blonde
wig. Is she an ugly woman or a lovely male nurse?

Dear Desperate:

Something about your email makes me think that you were already grossly overweight before the blog envy began, and I strongly recommend immediately dieting and perhaps even emergency liposuction.

Addressing your jealousy: there is a Chinese proverb, "A blog is not as cool as you perceive and you are the only one who reads it," which may have come in a fortune cookie. Does this mean that you should give up on your web log? Of course not! As long as you laugh out loud when writing your posts, then mission accomplished; you are entertained. So what if no one else cares? Just remember, your blog is better than one about mayonnaise!

As for Nurse Christopher, I have to say I'm not positive myself, but I if I had to pick one I'd say he's an ugly woman. An ugly woman trapped in an even uglier woman's body.

-- Dr. N
| 1 comments |
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She Ain't No Billy Joel

Dear Nurse Chris:

I play the piano. Some people in my house can't stand it when I practice, and some people (really only my parents) cheer me on. I want to make everyone happy. What should I do? Please help me, I'm so confused.

-- Confused and Sad

Dear Confused:

There's really not much you can do here. Let me tell you a story. There once was a young woman who had to go on a cross country trip with her friend and her family. She strongly disliked all of them and didn't even know why she called her friend a friend. But she went. On the way they stopped at a gas station and she had to use the restroom. When she came out, the others were no where to be seen. She was all alone and had no idea where she was. She asked a worker where they were, but she couldn't understand his accent. She tried walking home but never got there.

I hope this has helped.

-- Nurse Chris
| 0 comments | Sunday, January 07, 2007
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Mother's Plight, Fight with TUDES

Yo yo:

I'm not sure who can help me more, the doctor or his sweet nurse.
I suspect I'm not alone; I am the mother of a large family. I have 10 or more children. You know how after eight you don't know how many there are anymore and you can't think of new names and name them all Dave or Buck Buck McMoon face or whatever ...

Anyway, I started homeschooling my children after I realized that once normal children attend high school they become unrecognizable as being your dear offspring or even homosapiens. This seemed to help and keep them somewhat respectable and cooperative throughout their teens - UNTIL - they went away to college, intermingled with real humans and then came home on breaks.

The problem is that they have huge TUDES, and think that they can make the rules, sleep late and puterize non stop. I gave them the "you're not a guest, but a participating member of the family" pep talk and it worked for a while. Except for homeschooling them for life and arranging marriages with persons I find suitable, what's a mother to do?


-- Frustrated Mother of Many

Dear Frustrated:

Don't worry, you are not alone and there is help available. Millions of Americans suffer the unfortunate consequences of "TUDES." The real problem is that your children do not feel appreciated and therefore turn their sorrows into TUDE (Temper, Un-cooperativeness, Disrespect, Egocentricity). The only way to correct this behavior is to show your children how much you really appreciate them by giving them what they want. Items such as Playstation 3's are clinically proven to help eliminate TUDE. Also, your children probably are overwhelmed with senseless chores, such as cleaning their rooms (after all, it's their room, if they are happy with it then leave them be). Try cutting back on this. My third suggestion is that you and your husband seek counseling. I'm sure that you will find your children to be like olive plants if you follow my advice.

-- Nurse Chris
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Can't Spell, Can't Socialize

Dear Doctor Nello:

I am 12 years old and home-schooled. My favorit hobbies are barking at squirrels and hanging with my cats. I have only two "friends". They're nice, but i have to pay them $50 each for them too play with me for a day. Can you halp? How can i make real friends?

-- "Baby"

Dear "Baby":

I could have guessed that you were homeschooled from your misspellings and grammatical errors. Nevertheless I will try to "halp" you.

First I suggest killing your cats or at least giving them away to a shelter. Cats are stupid and unsanitary. Next I suggest purchasing an invisible electric fence, like the kind dog owners have. Wear the collar yourself and set the fence around your house. Now when you try to bark at squirrels, the collar will shock you and end this habit.

As for your lack of true friends, unfortunately that is pretty much the only way to go for homeschoolers. You could however get a much better rate than $50 a day. I recommend RentAFriend.com; RAF was recently rated #1 on J. D. Power and Associates "Best Fake Friend Companies" List. Also, many people who use RAF later go on to make real friends ... sometimes. It's worth a shot.

-- Dr. N
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Dry Your Tears (And Your Bed)

Dr Nello:

I am a 17 year old male with a problem. I still wet the bed. About five years ago I decided enough is enough and I pronounced myself dry in the mornings. But in truth, I was still wetting the bed. Every morning I change my sheets before anyone notices. Dr Nello, I can't go on living a lie. It's tearing at my insides. I lose sleep over it, my social life is dead and I barely eat my vegatables. Is there anything you can do to help me wake up dry for real? Or at least, can you help me live with my problem?

-- Wet in New York

Dear Wet:

Although I think your predicament is rather humorous, I will try to answer in a professional, doctoral manner. The way I see it, you have five options.

1. Don't ever sleep. If you don't sleep, then you can't wake up, and therefore you can't wake up wet.

2. Don't drink. Without consuming liquids, you cannot pass them, and therefore will remain dry.

3. Admit the truth. You are having difficulties living a lie because you are telling people an untruth about your nocturnal shortcomings. If you finally admit to yourself and others that you cannot keep your sheets dry, you will feel much better about yourself because "honesty is the best policy" and "the truth will set you free" and "an elephant never forgets." Your social life will not improve, but come on, if you're 17 and still wet the bed, there really isn't any hope for you anyway. At least you'll sleep better.

There are two other options, but I'd prefer to not share those with you.

-- Dr. N
| 3 comments | Saturday, January 06, 2007
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