Asking About An Austrailian Avian-Adoring Arachnid

Dear Dr. Nello:

I ordered a giant bird-eating spider from Australia, but it was accidentally shipped to the house of my sister in New York. The postal service claims they left the open box in my sister's mud room. I don't think she likes spiders. What should I do?

-- Oops in Ohio

Dear Poos in Ohio:

If only I had answered this letter a week ago, I could have used a Halloween theme. That'll teach me to delay. To make up for it, I'll give you 13 things you can do.

1. Offer to send an industrial size pack of toilet paper, quadruple ply, to squash it.

2. At least now she won't have to worry about Lady Bird, be it that red cardinal that's always attacking it's reflection or the late wife of Lyndon Johnson.

3. Don't kids love cardboard boxes? What's she complaining about?

4. Tell her you actually bought an expensive japanese silver-winged cockamamie, and the spider must have crawled inside the box during shipment. Emphasive the expensiveness, and ask that she chip in to cover the loss.

5. Remind her that although she has a bird-eating spider, at least she doesn't have a boil on her face that will erupt causing thousands of tiny spiders to crawl all over her face, like that one girl in "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark."

6. When she calls about the giant spider, act confused and say, "I didn't send a giant spider ... I just sent a regular size one. Are you shrinking?" Send some other giant things over the next few weeks; this could be the greatest non-April Fool's Day April Fools prank!

7. It's possible that this spider is Arachne or Anansi. Maybe she sould try talking to it.

8. Does she have a giant baby? A giant spider and a giant baby wrestling could be entertaining (or maybe just gross).

9. Refer her to Nurse Chris for counseling.

10. Send a cockatoo-eating python. She'll still hate the spider, but receiving the first two of a collectors series of bird-eating animals might satisfy her.

11. Get a nuclear bird. I don't really know what a nuclear bird is, but someone on Flickr has a picture of one. Anyway, if she feeds this bird to the spider, and the spider bites someone, that person will get both spider and bird powers. (Or they'll die from the radiation. Best to let someone not in the family test it first).

12. Or better yet, just get a giant bird. I mean, birds eat spiders, so giant birds should eat giant spiders, right? This could be a problem if the giant bird also eats children, so check the label first.

13. Don't worry, Obama will take care of it, just like her gas and mortage.

-- Dr. N