tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-318075572024-03-19T01:48:54.466-04:00Dr. NelloDr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.comBlogger167125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-13812576707785417032011-07-11T17:39:00.002-04:002011-07-11T17:39:00.554-04:00The Final Letter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiij72sfmc_g31u1xa41ADXfi1K7VZXn0zqkfN8h1ReI3bDKWSi3cBCYpUb8g-2eg971fcaa3jpRavZ7gdDY_iNxJ-npgnZtAIo7YkHQIlUmp9EaZt6UBJZs_Nn6FwIS45PlFU2tQ/s1600/theend.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="100" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiij72sfmc_g31u1xa41ADXfi1K7VZXn0zqkfN8h1ReI3bDKWSi3cBCYpUb8g-2eg971fcaa3jpRavZ7gdDY_iNxJ-npgnZtAIo7YkHQIlUmp9EaZt6UBJZs_Nn6FwIS45PlFU2tQ/s200/theend.png" width="100" /></a></div><b>Dear Doctor Nello:</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>Are you really done? Was that <a href="http://drnello.blogspot.com/2011/07/barbara-walters-interviews-nello-and.html">Barbara Walters</a> interview for realz?</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>-- Readers</b><br />
<br />
<i>Dear Readers, all six of you:</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>After over four years of tireless work, I am retiring. Don't cry for me, it's just the time to end this. It's been a fun ride, but now Nurse Chris is undergoing counseling after living his life as Lady PhiPhi, Dr Jello is not fat anymore (so her alter ego, Dear Flabby, is officially gone), and Dr Fello is in that big veterinarian clinic in the sky.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>The blog may be on haitus, perhaps permanently, but we can still enjoy the good memories we've made over the years.</i><br />
<br />
<object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" height="240" id="vp1KvVlf" width="432"><param name="movie" value="http://static.animoto.com/swf/w.swf?w=swf/vp1&e=1310334033&f=KvVlfAJvp9AcjoWge3SAYg&d=303&m=a&r=360p+720p&volume=100&start_res=360p&i=m&options="></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed id="vp1KvVlf" src="http://static.animoto.com/swf/w.swf?w=swf/vp1&e=1310334033&f=KvVlfAJvp9AcjoWge3SAYg&d=303&m=a&r=360p+720p&volume=100&start_res=360p&i=m&options=" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="432" height="240"></embed></object><br />
<br />
<i>My last piece of advice (assuming I really don't pick this up again):</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>"Always accept gum when someone offers it to you."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Blah blah blah.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>-- Dr N.</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-86035684687350924012011-07-10T18:21:00.000-04:002011-07-10T18:21:07.959-04:00BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEWS NELLO AND NURSE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyZ2RzBqfDTj6kbC5mRXdaV2Q0xlaAyK1X3h2LRwRXvWpdgMcnoKYRYbcEWYUUFXYmzNwcdMyjCpv8' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-24498463048153661032011-06-18T06:45:00.010-04:002011-06-18T14:33:52.303-04:00PROBLEMATIC PICSLate last night, <a href="http://drnello.blogspot.com/2011/06/haxxored.html">scandalous photos</a> of Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris/Lady PhiPhi were leaked online. Initially denied by Dr. Nello as a "prank," new details have since emerged, and a filthy scandal is attached to the medical wunderkind and androgynous pop star.<br />
<br />
A topless photo of a man holding a sign that says "3M" is rumored to be a self-taken snapshot of the doctor, perhaps intended for a fan via private message. When asked if the photo was of Dr. Nello, he stated: "I cannot say with certainty that is me in that image." He later clarified, "Keep in mind, I drink a lot."<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.westernwooddoctor.com/images/img_4_blue_tapes.jpg">3M</a> has denied any involvement in this event, though a company spokesman did say, "That man looks tan. He must have been at the beach."<br />
<br />
A second photo was also leaked, and it appears to be of an unsavory body location, though experts say it may have been doctored (no pun intended). It is rumored that Lady PhiPhi, formerly known as Nurse Chris, is the hottie in this shottie. Lady PhiPhi merely growled when pressed on the issue.<br />
<br />
Dr. Nello has announced that he will hold a interweb press conference in the near future <a href="http://wireupdate.com/joereport/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/IMG00256-20110505-16081.jpg">addressing</a> this <a href="http://www.republicoft.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/anthony-weiner-shirtless-sh.jpg">issue</a>, unless he doesn't.Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-38676134354838276032011-06-17T23:15:00.000-04:002011-06-17T23:15:36.193-04:00haxxored<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0pCIYw0-2xza8n4kTEy3XfwahZD1TUDRJzbROIMNwXAw0ywaqM1aM-_i_kuI2-wmpImDAc8Fz4bobwT8e_8H7OCyuWCPB9unWEO68mAtLCpZp5hjUtoUEwUlXRMs0Kfln_OPr0w/s1600/IMG_00000099.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0pCIYw0-2xza8n4kTEy3XfwahZD1TUDRJzbROIMNwXAw0ywaqM1aM-_i_kuI2-wmpImDAc8Fz4bobwT8e_8H7OCyuWCPB9unWEO68mAtLCpZp5hjUtoUEwUlXRMs0Kfln_OPr0w/s320/IMG_00000099.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://asset.pulse.kodak.com/34f24851-4d41-49e3-be72-4d060007cecf634422212371243931.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://asset.pulse.kodak.com/34f24851-4d41-49e3-be72-4d060007cecf634422212371243931.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-35120055951905506792011-05-20T19:53:00.006-04:002011-06-17T23:27:59.566-04:00My Car is Trying to Kill Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.stealthauto.com/Images/products/BMW-Parts/Accessories/Small/BMW-COFFEE-MUG-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="100" src="http://www.stealthauto.com/Images/products/BMW-Parts/Accessories/Small/BMW-COFFEE-MUG-1.jpg" width="100" /></a></div><b>Dear Dr Nello:<br />
<br />
My car has been having some problems over the past few years, with various parts failing (rear defrost, windshield wiper, window motors, hummervalve, etc). Recently, I had a major issue when one of my wheels fell off when I was driving my morbidly obese niece to "Take a Jerk to Work Day." Luckily I had pulled over before the wheel came off, but I could have died.<br />
<br />
Although my niece is extremely overweight and it was the front passenger wheel (where she was sitting) I would've thought the car should've been able to handle such pressure without popping off the tire. Do you think my car is trying to kill me?<br />
<br />
-- Scared of My Vehicle</b><br />
<br />
<i>Dear Scared:<br />
<br />
I don't think your car is trying to kill you, I think God is trying to give you a hint. Though you are probably a very handsome fellow with decent photography skills and a working knowledge of Italian romantic phrases, you have some slight faults that are holding you back from getting a wife. Maybe it's the fact you didn't get accepted to a Top 5 business school, you "left the system" in sixth grade, you wear a black tie with brown shoes or you have a barely noticeable scar on your cheek. These are all things that are preventing you from marrying a super hott chick, and what you need to win this fine woman is a flashy new car.<br />
<br />
You probably have wanted a new car for years, but have yet to really do anything about this, and God is telling you to move your butt. If you won't buy a new car unprovoked, he's going to destroy your current one to force you.<br />
<br />
I hear the bank has a good deal on loans if you buy by May 31. Good luck!<br />
<br />
-- Dr. N</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-81567901261664064532011-04-26T00:00:00.002-04:002011-04-26T00:00:06.959-04:00The Handoff Pt II<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2783/4204995575_08bbac9330.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2783/4204995575_08bbac9330.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">... and 22.</div>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-45338557513597413822011-04-25T23:59:00.002-04:002011-04-25T23:59:00.185-04:00The Handoff Pt I<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://linnyscookies.com/images/Torch_Handoff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://linnyscookies.com/images/Torch_Handoff.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">26 ...</div>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-89877931016250387942011-03-29T20:40:00.000-04:002011-03-29T20:40:10.646-04:00Media Bloggers Association<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjENMDr0T4letTLDCCJxDFcTmdhaPiBpGRno5Z5phNYeUlXwHA808wsy_yhEgdk-2g_okumIRzR-YqQT9n8fFfByvXOFK2WxafxVES-bnWjj8MBmByuN7VddLnZqqTKUjwwHOWfw/s1600/harvard.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="100" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjENMDr0T4letTLDCCJxDFcTmdhaPiBpGRno5Z5phNYeUlXwHA808wsy_yhEgdk-2g_okumIRzR-YqQT9n8fFfByvXOFK2WxafxVES-bnWjj8MBmByuN7VddLnZqqTKUjwwHOWfw/s200/harvard.gif" width="100" /></a></div><b>Dr. Nello:</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>When you join the HBS Class of 2013, how will you introduce yourself to your new classmates?</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>-- Harvey Ard, Dean of the University</b><br />
<br />
<i>Dear Harv:</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Normally, when I introduce myself, I go by my nickname "Franz." However, when I join HBS'11, I'm going by my full name, Franziskaner. I prefer Franziskaner, but saying "Dr. Franziskaner O'Nello" is quite a mouthful, which is why I simplify it to "Franz Nello."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Now that I'm taking the next life step towards yet another degree, I want to be seen as mature and grown up. Gone are the days of tormenting nephews, forcing them on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=504613370050&set=a.503458798820.2000967.144901043&theater">scary ferris wheels</a>. No more <a href="http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=504612731330&set=a.542642294780.2052554.144901043&theater">crazy haircuts</a>. Definitely won't be hanging out with <a href="http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=535961273600&set=a.533874305900.2045176.144901043&theater">these two</a>.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>JUST KIDDING. Of course I'll be my same awesome self, but I will be going by Franziskaner.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>-- Dr. N</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-38793133570595618182011-03-24T12:35:00.001-04:002011-03-27T11:30:14.929-04:00Calisthenics Consult<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ878ZSJIRB3H1YK5vGeZ4z029tKd1Tc8wj-8nBn1yfKPHITnsgzhpzo8L8KNtPLJqg1EsYusvKxSGCCFqV4HmswIrGezsEfSjhNNsRc-ukklFNfrstzTV_XflFVSo0kBVw1UDPw/s1600/barbell-weight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="100" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ878ZSJIRB3H1YK5vGeZ4z029tKd1Tc8wj-8nBn1yfKPHITnsgzhpzo8L8KNtPLJqg1EsYusvKxSGCCFqV4HmswIrGezsEfSjhNNsRc-ukklFNfrstzTV_XflFVSo0kBVw1UDPw/s200/barbell-weight.jpg" width="100" /></a></div><b>Dear Dr Nello:</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>I'm starting some new jazzercises, and my company sent out a safety message saying we need to consult our physicians before starting any new routines. I don't have my own doctor right now, so I'm asking if I can consult you.</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b><a href="http://ensemblefitness.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/stupid-stunt.jpg?w=328&h=400">Basically</a> my <a href="http://t1.ftcdn.net/jpg/00/22/77/12/400_F_22771222_HMewIMMgEiK95CPafiq5KrVPocNuQYdX.jpg">exercise</a> routine can be <a href="http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/hightower_nrw/hightower_nrw0909/hightower_nrw090900097/5477417-young-well-coached-men-doing-some-funny-fitness-exercises.jpg">summed up</a> by these <a href="http://i247.photobucket.com/albums/gg158/MDA2008/PVLP156W_400x400-1.jpg">photos</a>.</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>What's your advice?</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>-- Jake Boddiebuy</b><br />
<br />
<i>Dear Jake:</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>What I see looks good, you're off to a great start. Some recommendations:</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>You have an exercise ball, now get a medicine ball. These are fun to throw at unsuspecting friends because medicine balls are deceptively heavy. If you can't afford one, or aren't strong enough to lift one, buy a regular bouncy ball and pop some pills. (My favorite drug is Vicodin, and I can sell you some if you want. Act fast, it expires in 2012!)</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Grunt, grunt, grunt. Not only will this help you get that extra oomph you need, it will let everyone know how strong you think you are, and that counts for something.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Cardio! Take a spinning class, which I'm pretty sure is where you put your arms out and spin around in circles like a top. Other good workouts include Xtreme Hopscotch, keyboarding and power sitting. You can also elevate your heart rate by watching a scary movie like "Bambi III: Man's Revenge."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Good luck.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>-- Dr. N</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-15654580809667900312011-03-22T09:44:00.001-04:002012-08-22T00:33:47.213-04:00Helpful Haikus<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkCU_WlJ_tXoMYQN5q21eXUf8ZzlPp4cN2vXeEMCRNaZNvhdM-SlRQwPNfI682lQRyU7Ji3zOV_b1gLQcPO5bNJ8Sr6gv610hoti2U3pkQTQkI8QUIRnHaxM0y_KbH5HnGos8K/s1600/paintstripper.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586352642266384306" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkCU_WlJ_tXoMYQN5q21eXUf8ZzlPp4cN2vXeEMCRNaZNvhdM-SlRQwPNfI682lQRyU7Ji3zOV_b1gLQcPO5bNJ8Sr6gv610hoti2U3pkQTQkI8QUIRnHaxM0y_KbH5HnGos8K/s200/paintstripper.JPG" style="cursor: hand; float: right; height: 100px; margin: 0px 0px 10px 10px; width: 100px;" /></a><b> Dear Lady PhiPhi:</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>My Happy Hour last night turned unhappy when my friends put me to be in charge of organizing a group trip to a place of ill moral repute. I suppose I might be willing to compromise my principles if they wanted this event on a Saturday, but they're looking to go on Tuesday night. What should I do?</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>-- Sad Sir at a Mad Mex</b><br />
<br />
<i>Sad Sir:</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Why are you upset?</i><br />
<i>Morals are overratted</i><br />
<i>But here's some advice.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Instead of the club</i><br />
<i>Lead them to the library</i><br />
<i>A quite clever trick!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Claim an allergy</i><br />
<i>To smut and stupidity</i><br />
<i>If you are too weak.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>This problem, your friends</i><br />
<i>There can be one solution:</i><br />
<i>Kiss them or kill them.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>-- Lady PhiPhi</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-89901249392801012642011-03-20T21:28:00.000-04:002011-03-20T21:28:28.600-04:00WAOSCI<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiD6kt-eZ-D3AZjsxLFethS6hsm-VWR00XiQm1kFN-CcUvvD7_w59_cOh6V5oX533Wmn-a_C7_f5zXgqF39232256mX0OGHQ_xOZVbS3cAbX5EcqBd1ZxzJyuZQUPXAeJlVvQ5yw/s1600/iron.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="100" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiD6kt-eZ-D3AZjsxLFethS6hsm-VWR00XiQm1kFN-CcUvvD7_w59_cOh6V5oX533Wmn-a_C7_f5zXgqF39232256mX0OGHQ_xOZVbS3cAbX5EcqBd1ZxzJyuZQUPXAeJlVvQ5yw/s200/iron.jpg" width="100" /></a><b></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><b>Doctor Nello:</b></span></b></div><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>Can you please tell me if your office provides non-invasive type treatments for wrinkles, anti-aging, and other skin care issues?</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>Thanks in advance.</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>-- Eric Kusher, CT</b><br />
<br />
<i>Dear Eric:</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>We pride ourselves in having the #2 least invasive WAOSCI treatment center in the country, behind only James Hopkins (younger brother of John, curse him!). Only seven patients have "not come out of surgery alive" the entire time we've been in business, giving us a non-death success rate that rounds up to 90% (when rounding up to the nearest 90%).</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Let me give you some examples of how we take care of WAOSCI.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i><u>W</u>rinkles: we use state-of-the-art irons to smooth out unsightly wrinkles. Our secret technique? Using round irons instead of flat irons you'd find at most dermatology practices (dermatologists, like chiropractors, being fake "doctors").</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i><u>A</u>nti-aging: using a blend of all natural, organic ingredients in our trademarked recipe, we've developed a special concoction that, when ingested, is guaranteed to take years off your life!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i><u>O</u>ther <u>S</u>kin <u>C</u>are <u>I</u>ssues: this is where we really put the "ninvasi" in "non-invasive!" Take, for example, a patient with small melanoma on the tip of his nose. Most surgeons would invade the </i>nasus<i> from the outside, leaving a pockmark, a hurt nose-tip, and quite possibly severe damage to the patient's psyche after such a terrifying procedure! At our practice, however, we specialize in internal medicine -- that is, we approach the nose from the inside. Making a minor incision through the back, about 10" wide, we insert a series of tubes and coils on a path through the entire circulatory and lymphatic systems. Using an inversion table, electrodes and holistic hallucinogens, there are several more steps, but I don't want to give away all our surprises! Just know that in the end, that mole is gone and the patient is statistically likely to be fully alive.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>If a patient desires, we offer free tattooing to disguise scarred tissue due to the surgery. For example, we can add extra curves to the patient's back, turning the scar into a second butt. And who doesn't want a second butt?</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>I hope, by answering your questions, you strongly consider our practice for your WAOSCI needs!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>-- Dr. N</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-18294227940562822192011-03-15T23:19:00.003-04:002011-03-16T07:47:34.985-04:00LadyNurse<b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinE5-uhF04Vp2BnC6K0vkV2u2wpKrVnZDGwsYyg93VGWjQquK5G0hD8jUfxQHOIXGKZL3wHY2ZVjdC1YTkzHQeHAdXVlVg5DFDkqtjfzCAJFAhBG3NWPRkoEScknEj5p6Eh02IPQ/s1600/nursechriskatyperry.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5574447733978935154" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinE5-uhF04Vp2BnC6K0vkV2u2wpKrVnZDGwsYyg93VGWjQquK5G0hD8jUfxQHOIXGKZL3wHY2ZVjdC1YTkzHQeHAdXVlVg5DFDkqtjfzCAJFAhBG3NWPRkoEScknEj5p6Eh02IPQ/s400/nursechriskatyperry.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 100px; margin: 0 0 10px 10px; width: 100px;" /></a>Dear Doctor:</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>I often correct people when their behavior is inappropriate, making bad career moves, watching stupid TV shows or saying "where are you at?" instead of "where are you?".</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>I like to think this makes me a caring person, but lately I've been called "judgmental." Is this true? Is what I'm doing wrong?</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>Also, I want to point out that you really should have posted Part IV to your 4th Anniversary. What gives?</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>-- Care Bear</b><br />
<br />
<i>Dear CB:</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Part of your problem, I'm guessing, is that you are not saying "no offense ..." when you correct people. This is a very important phrase; it commands the listener to not take offense at what you are saying. It is illegal for someone to be offended by your correction.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>The other part of your problem is that you are not embracing the joys of judgmentalism. It's fun to rank yourself superior to others! One of my favorite forms of judging is silent judging (it can be deadly).</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Judging is led me to the missing Nurse Chris, by the way...</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>To make a long story short, I was reprising my usual role judging the 52nd Miss Semi-Beauty Pageant/Triathalon in Kazakhstan. An oddly-shaped contestant arrived on stage, introduced as <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PhiPhi">Lady PhiPhi</a>. Mumbling "Baby I was born this way, baby I'm a firework, so raise you're glass because I'm freaking perfect," she sang such a beautiful ode to the days of the week.</i><br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="312" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/CD2LRROpph0" title="YouTube video player" width="512"></iframe><br />
<br />
<i>We we we we were all moved to tears, but there was something familiar about this golden-voiced brunette. Turns out Nurse Chris has been living a double life as the nouveau diva Lady PhiPhi, and has decided, for the time being, to continue his career in music and extend his hiatus from my practice. While I'm saddened to be without my business partner of four years, I wish him the best in his endeavors. I also judge him for his insistence on dressing like a woman.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>(4th Anniversary: Part IV is delayed till April for our 4 Year, 3 Month, 2 Week, 1 Day Anniversary.)</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>-- Dr. N</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-8728020578406209252011-01-09T15:06:00.005-05:002011-01-09T17:29:38.248-05:004th and £950,000.00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYN2-BZm7O7cj9hETgwXS1JQMZKUv09sOv46WVhorRH3aFVUtxmycxemtv-cWF-qBaw4v6Eb28Pob6DdVRrqSKTypXHlKKkXzvd_5vn5YxCKtLTMBXhyphenhyphen_OAU72fruWy3SutvnXRA/s1600/pounds.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 100px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYN2-BZm7O7cj9hETgwXS1JQMZKUv09sOv46WVhorRH3aFVUtxmycxemtv-cWF-qBaw4v6Eb28Pob6DdVRrqSKTypXHlKKkXzvd_5vn5YxCKtLTMBXhyphenhyphen_OAU72fruWy3SutvnXRA/s200/pounds.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560194495906744162" /></a><div>4th Annivesary <a href="http://drnello.blogspot.com/2011/01/4th-and-40th.html">Part 1</a> | <a href="http://drnello.blogspot.com/2011/01/4th-and-26.html">Part 2</a> | <b>Part 3</b> | Part 4</div><div style="font-weight: bold; "><b><br /></b></div><b>Doctor.Nello@gmail.com:</b><br /><br /><b>Your Mail-ID has been awarded £950,000.00 Pounds in our Mercedez-Benz promo. Send your</b><br /><br /><b>1.Name.............</b><br /><b>2.Address..........</b><br /><b>3.Phone/No.........</b><br /><b>4.Country..........</b><br /><br /><b>-- Nelson Manuel Garcia Acuna</b><br /><br /><i>Dear NMGA:<br /><br />Thank you, this must be some sort of 4th Anniversary Congratulations present! With such a generous reward, I must give something back to Mercedes-Benz. I'll share my recipe for an amazing salad I recently made. Spinach leaves, multi-berry craisins, sugar & cinnamon almonds, feta cheese, apple slices and lime coated chicken. Oh, it was so good!<br /><br />Wait a minute -- your initials, NMGA, remind me of the word "eNiGMA." In fact, your name is an anagram for "Enigma Loaner Cancans Luau"! This either means you are a scam artist, or you are mysteriously giving me money at a surprise Cancan Luau anniversary celebration. I'll assume it's the latter, but while I appreciate the effort, I won't be able to attend due to a prior engagement.<br /><br />-- Dr. N</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-31730943624543553672011-01-08T14:20:00.003-05:002011-01-09T17:27:47.221-05:004th and 26<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJCMg7WIiWmf5FekQsIMeqJNHAKXq9xvMjQlVyT0UCaUkp2m84YUm8aLzRFulpZxaKnostw62F0QL3Q37A3_riz0uBCTupZHalnNHiGKTfnWpIzF8l_Lfu6UV710-1vxZBtg-MnA/s1600/4thand26.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 100px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJCMg7WIiWmf5FekQsIMeqJNHAKXq9xvMjQlVyT0UCaUkp2m84YUm8aLzRFulpZxaKnostw62F0QL3Q37A3_riz0uBCTupZHalnNHiGKTfnWpIzF8l_Lfu6UV710-1vxZBtg-MnA/s200/4thand26.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5559899055947950802" /></a><div>4th Annivesary <a href="http://drnello.blogspot.com/2011/01/4th-and-40th.html">Part 1</a> | <b>Part 2</b> | <a href="http://drnello.blogspot.com/2011/01/4th-and-95000000.html">Part 3</a> | Part 4</div><div><br /></div><b>Doctor Nello:<br /><br />Happy Anniversary! It's amazing to think that you and (the sadly now missing) Nurse Chris have been doing such a magnanimous humanitarian service for four years. Merci beaucoup!<br /><br />With another year under your 32" belts, you must have added another year to your age as well. This happens to most people each year, including myself. I get excited each time this happens, but friends of mine get depressed as they get older, and we are only in our twenties. Apparently, they believe this to be the best decade of our lives, and it's all downhill from here.<br /><br />I'm turning 26 in a few months -- is this something I should look forward to, or fear?<br /><br />Thanks, buddy. Hope you find your Nurse Chris!<br /><br />-- Quarter-Centenarian<br /></b><br /><i>Dear Quarter-Cent,<br /><br />Your friends are ridiculous; how could your twenties be the best decade of your life? Obviously, the best decade is your nineties, though unfortunately many people do not make it to see them. When you're 90-something, you're big shishya.<br /><br />You can hide from your birthday if you wish to slow your aging process, like Telly tried to hide from the New Year on Sesame Street. I accidentally did this -- twice -- which is how I graduated college "early." Realizing I wanted to make it to 90 so I could enjoy the best years of my life, I crammed my 20th, 21st and 22nd years into one to get back on the normal age path. Who knows, I may do this again, and then repeat a few years when I'm in my 90s to fully appreciate that age range.<br /><br />Look forward to your birthday, and thanks for remembering our anniversary. Who knows if Nurse Chris will be found; honestly, he is a quickly-fading memory. I am not even sure there ever was a Nurse Chris.<br /><br />-- Dr. N</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-38689340737580002432011-01-07T20:51:00.004-05:002013-12-16T16:46:20.381-05:004th and 40th<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6JWe4VgrlzCiR1wURdPh4xT9VCWqVpqPBYZ5rM78zhsgjOHMan4lOdN7dB__imgc218pHeoM3m4CVsVzUgLiOweswIq-pFwHI_Jp9rjxuhRYyfTtIuWcjQwG2eKdGaHSz_5j-4A/s1600/sergeantpepperfamily.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5559641388100341250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6JWe4VgrlzCiR1wURdPh4xT9VCWqVpqPBYZ5rM78zhsgjOHMan4lOdN7dB__imgc218pHeoM3m4CVsVzUgLiOweswIq-pFwHI_Jp9rjxuhRYyfTtIuWcjQwG2eKdGaHSz_5j-4A/s200/sergeantpepperfamily.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 100px; margin: 0 0 10px 10px; width: 100px;" /></a>4th Anniversary <b>Part 1</b> | <a href="http://drnello.blogspot.com/2011/01/4th-and-26.html">Part 2</a> | <a href="http://drnello.blogspot.com/2011/01/4th-and-95000000.html">Part 3</a> | Part 4<br />
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Dear Dr Nello:<br /><br />Happy fourth anniversary! My letter is also about an anniversary: my parents' fortieth. My mom and dad raised ten of us kids, and they'd like us to all get together in June to celebrate with them. We're having trouble figuring out what to do and where to go: getting a beach house in North Carolina, a farm retreat in New York, protesting the president in Virginia or gang-fighting in Ohio.<br /><br />There have been a few squabbles on Facebook over this, and I fear, come June, it will be a disaster. Can you help us so that we can pull this off and still speak to each other afterwards?<br /><br />-- Numero Sette</b><br />
<br />
<i>Dear #7:<br /><br />Thank you for your well wishes on our anniversary, but I regret to inform you that your get-together will in fact be a disaster. I do not know your family, so I will make up names for each sibling, and here is what I envision happening:<br /><br />"Juniper" will come with seven children but leave with six, only four of which are her own, and all will be spanked soundly.<br /><br />"Janessa" will bring her own Porta-Potty and introduce "peanut-butternut-squash fudge," which will quickly end up in said Porta-Potty.<br /><br />"Thor" will not smile in any picture and make fun of other's dress while wearing Crocs and confessing to not owning a single pair of jeans.<br /><br />An uninvited homeless man will be turned away, but it is revealed this is actually "Lareasha" who has not showered or shaved in a week.<br /><br />"Dwayne" will tell everyone about the amazing product he sells at work, the "Comfort Wipe," and publicly demonstrate its use.<br /><br />"Anemone," in charge of getting the caterer, will only get seven salami slices for the entire family to share, but secretly eat them herself.<br /><br />"Miroslav" will pay to opt out and go to Europe, but no one will notice he is missing. However, he will still be in charge of photoshopping the family picture.<br /><br />"Voldemort" will tell dirty stand-up jokes. He will then reveal that he is in fact homeless and has been living in Juniper's van for three weeks.<br /><br />"Chayse" will bring his "friend" Maurice. Every time Chayse holds a baby niece or nephew, a peculiar smell will be noticed, and yet the child's diaper is always dry.<br /><br />"Riannon" will be mistaken for grandchild. At her piano recital/art show, her siblings will cover their eyes and ears and throw-up in the Porta-Potty.<br /><br />Your mom will tell longs stories about the cat, not realizing one of your siblings ran it over that morning, and your dad will fall asleep in the corner, finally getting his peace and tranquility.<br /><br />Initially planning to renew their wedding vows, your parents' marriage will stunningly be put "on hold" until the government allows "equality for all."<br /><br />Enjoy!<br /><br />-- Dr. N</i></div>
Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-75713499158727588092010-12-28T15:38:00.004-05:002011-01-08T14:36:13.355-05:00An Affair to Forget<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPJj9lO2Apk7g8aCn9hELJYhHPxZGQw30DC3hVFFiQgAuM_FEwm6P7fryP7P2mqRoV2lX9VMVJws_JhYjF-75haIO2vgDOoQop6E-GV6lM2rAtcHutLAg_6Wvhw-ab7HDnKWkvMw/s1600/rabbit.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 100px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPJj9lO2Apk7g8aCn9hELJYhHPxZGQw30DC3hVFFiQgAuM_FEwm6P7fryP7P2mqRoV2lX9VMVJws_JhYjF-75haIO2vgDOoQop6E-GV6lM2rAtcHutLAg_6Wvhw-ab7HDnKWkvMw/s200/rabbit.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5555845163519376434" /></a><b>Dear Dr. Nello:<br /><br />When my husband goes to work, I go to the neighbor's and bring a kitten home for the day. This has been going on for several weeks, and I'm afraid that there might be talk in the neighborhood. The sweet thing is a stray and needs a home.<br /><br />This is the closest I've gotten to cheating on my husband and I like it -- a lot. Do you think I would be a good candidate for having an affair? Please advise.<br /><br />-- Married to an Ogre</b><br /><br /><i>Dear M2aO:<br /><br />Are you talking about cats? This is insane. Cats are only sweet when cooked, not caressed. I am going to pretend you are instead claiming to have an affair with a black dwarf-rabbit named "Bruno."<br /><br />Anyone can be a candidate for an affair, you just need to do some proper planning. Assuming you are a mother, you can get good at cheating by playing board games with your children. A good example is "Monopoly," in which you can be the banker and take a few extra $100s when no one is looking. Mothers are notorious for cheating at games.<br /><br />You will also need a good alibi for what you were doing with your time when you and Bruno go for walks on the grassy knoll, as your husband is bound to come home or call on his lunch break some day when you are not around. You should claim to start a new, impromptu activity, like:<br /><br />1) Professional Mourner - randomly attend funerals of people you don't know (people are always dying).<br /><br />2) Bird Feeder - throw loaves of bread at local fowl in the nearby park (requires hiking and may lead to an affair with the birds).<br /><br />3) Pencil Vendor - import <a href="http://www.atoygarden.com/images/products/TwigPencils300.jpg">twig pencils</a> from Poland and sell them for profit on the streets (these are a hot commodity; you'll make some good money!).<br /><br />I hope this helps, but if it doesn't I'm not too disappointed.</i><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>-- Dr. N</i><br /><br /><br /></div>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-82452428952735005772010-11-18T22:24:00.002-05:002010-11-18T22:34:10.274-05:00Thorax Side Airbag<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs7D38THlg8B5-18-4dcDoUQpoWCyYAhjlIMDCmCtNpF7ZLElQPu7fM-cvCM8hHAI8i4KXCF8z4LL_u8x9qpoLljc3mLutf-gN5fyGd5Gn7N-Qz-ToJYn1WuiHS_WZWh5PFIIlJQ/s1600/body.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 100px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 100px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541096282130677202" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs7D38THlg8B5-18-4dcDoUQpoWCyYAhjlIMDCmCtNpF7ZLElQPu7fM-cvCM8hHAI8i4KXCF8z4LL_u8x9qpoLljc3mLutf-gN5fyGd5Gn7N-Qz-ToJYn1WuiHS_WZWh5PFIIlJQ/s200/body.jpg" /></a><strong>Dear Dr Nello:<br /><br />My son is flying to Europe and I just know that he wants me to go with him. He's never directly asked me and has even stated most emphatically that he doesn't want me to come, but with my motherly intuition I know he really wants me to come. Getting my passport expedited will be the easy part. It's the airport security that's my problem.<br /><br />For a 62 year old former beauty, I can still still hold my own in a crowd of elderly men. Nonetheless, as most Americans I've never been photographed naked and would prefer not to go that route now. I've never even been naked in a hospital. They supply you with gowns which provide modesty of a sort. Alone in the shower is as far as I take my nudity. I know when the Jews entered the concentration camps they were paraded naked before the Nazis who were going to execute them. Just because the TSA isn't necessarily going to kill us, is it OK to be naked scanned and maybe have the image saved? If so I will refuse to autograph my picture.<br /><br />Do you suggest submitting to the groping pat down? I'm very ticklish and this could get weird. My sister recently flew from Canada, being fair skinned and blue eyed she looked suspicious and was groped with her blouse being raised and her stomach exposed. My stomach would be the envy of a starving person; however, I'm afraid that all this body touching is unsanitary and I would be at risk of bring home bedbugs or something else awful.<br /><br />I'm concerned for my boy also. What if the same-sex patter-downer likes men too much? What if they use a woman who would get too friendly? He shouldn't have to travel leaving his modesty in the airport lobby.<br /><br />What's a mother to do? Please respond promptly, we will be leaving right after Thanksgiving.<br /><br />-- Doting</strong><br /><br /><em>Dear Dottie:<br /><br />First, let's get this straight: although I have never had a mother, I know when a son says he doesn't want to travel with his mom, he means it. Trust me, it is not a good idea to push him to the breaking point with threatening travel plans. Do, however, buy his minor admiration with Christmas presents.<br /><br />I will now channel the weakened mentality of my missing compadre, Nurse Chris. The following thoughts are not my own, they are of Chabizzle shimself:<br /><br />"Embrace your nudity! The <a href="http://www.all-acronyms.com/TSA">TSA</a> wants to see you nude? You should be flattered. Most people would have to pay others to look at them naked, and you get a freebie!<br /><br />If you still mistakenly feel ashamed of your body, do a dance. Dancing releases en<a href="http://www.tshirt-reviews.com/images/ups/Dolphins-Taste-like-Tuna-Funny-Tshirts-dolPHINS-SMALL_1.jpg">dolphins</a> into the atmosphere, which make you and anyone else who osmisifies them happy. Plus, moving quickly by shaking like a Quaker will blur the recorded image on the body scanner. A word of warning: I have heard a rumor that, on occasion, the TSA and the TVGuide sometimes cross wires, and your x-ray might end up being the in-flight movie.<br /><br />In addition, I suggest counseling."<br /><br />Nurse Chris is weird. Instead of following his advice, opt for the enhanced pat downs. A common misconception is thinking you are to stand still and follow the security agent's orders. Really, it's a game with witheld rules: Patty-Cake-Down. When the agent reaches out his hands for your nethernation, slap his hands back and start chanting "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Mack#Rhyme">Miss Mary Mack</a>." It's actually quite fun, and I don't know why there are so many complaint news stories out now.<br /><br />If your son is old enough to travel for business, he can handle himself and his modesty. If a man is hitting on him, he should take advantage and get free stuff like wine bottles or magazine subscriptions, as long as it doesn't lead to a gwedding. If a woman is crushing on him, just set out an extra plate for Thanksgiving.<br /><br />-- Dr. N</em>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-32378923290483288422010-11-12T17:04:00.000-05:002012-08-22T00:58:29.082-04:00Cracing Costume<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL8FKWDyCbWZ8rTIiIyS4WqJnqErnY36jvGP0trULAe0B8QY_HZE76-n4y_oQSuTVwr5AvZJ736w30GIkLEwoW1wAqETsIsLpR_XUX0h2z0qXntkvQSeDVu2mLZ0OVyK4-_GH55A/s1600/crutches.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5538865086566098194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL8FKWDyCbWZ8rTIiIyS4WqJnqErnY36jvGP0trULAe0B8QY_HZE76-n4y_oQSuTVwr5AvZJ736w30GIkLEwoW1wAqETsIsLpR_XUX0h2z0qXntkvQSeDVu2mLZ0OVyK4-_GH55A/s200/crutches.jpg" style="cursor: hand; float: right; height: 100px; margin: 0px 0px 10px 10px; width: 100px;" /></a><b> Dear Doctor Nello:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I didn't dress up for Halloween this year, carve a pumpkin or eat a single piece of candy. I'm pretty upset with myself for my lack of holiday spirit. I just had a great idea for what costume I could have come up with: I'm on crutches from recent surgery, and I could have been a marathon racer! How hilarious would that have been? I mean, you can't run a marathon on crutches! And the costume would have been simple, I'd just need to slap a big <a href="http://www.virginmedia.com/images/joggers431x300.jpg">number</a> on my t-shirt and throw on my <a href="http://www.doodysfancydress.co.uk/shop/images/80s%20Sweat%20bands%2029764%5B1%5D.JPG">stylish</a> sweat bands.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Is it too late to use this costume idea in 2010? Diwali, the Indian Halloween, has also come and gone, and I'm not sure what opportunities I'll have between now and the end of the year to dress up.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>-- Crippled and Costumeless</b><br />
<br />
<i>Dear C&C:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>First of all, don't mock crutch racing, or "<a href="http://picasaweb.google.com/RitaMGFranz/HomecomingWeekend#slideshow/5529203653416441090">cracing</a>." This sport is quickly gaining popularity, especially due to the annual "Crace for the Cure." We are not sure what the cure is, or what it is for, but we are cracing to find it.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I approve of your costume choice, and it is not too late to use it this year. You could always throw a "theme party," but if you're not of that persuasion, you have two days in December. Dec 3 is the <a href="http://holidaysgear.blogspot.com/2006/11/december-weird-holidays-01-december.html">International Day of Disabled People</a>, a perfect time to celebrate your handicappity. Dec 9 is <a href="http://www.halloweenindecember.com/">Halloween in December</a>, which looks rockin'!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Let me know how it turns out, and if you want to donate to "Crace for the Cure," send me money and I'll make sure it gets to the right place.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>-- Dr. N</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-54547739296960127262010-11-09T18:54:00.000-05:002010-11-18T18:28:29.919-05:00Can't Stand Canadians<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1B9AFj_Kj_RC9pJfY2YedB7v9VsfhOJde1ce9W5XkUMuGmjcu17PHR2KmJzyaUrf6xsRicv6wQQereuTst_OOE5IgsXQdtp7L9T_hzagMMADG0TD9pfsfW3-uxws9PPrNL35Kcw/s1600/maple.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 100px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1B9AFj_Kj_RC9pJfY2YedB7v9VsfhOJde1ce9W5XkUMuGmjcu17PHR2KmJzyaUrf6xsRicv6wQQereuTst_OOE5IgsXQdtp7L9T_hzagMMADG0TD9pfsfW3-uxws9PPrNL35Kcw/s200/maple.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5538069840546491650" /></a><b>Doctor Doctor:</b><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>When I was in Europe, I was told by a Canuck I should put a maple leaf patch on my backpack. He was convinced Europeans hate Americans, and pretending I was Canadian would protect me. I don't like this thinking for two reasons: 1) I like being American, and 2) I don't want to be Canadian. You've been to Europe several times; what's your advice?</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>-- Undeniably Unitedstatesian</b></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Dear UnUn:</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>It is a fact that Canadian accents are the most annoying in the universe, so why listen to what this fool? I've never had a problem traveling overseas, and this is because I am not an "ugly American." I am a "very handsome American."</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>It's not that Europeans hate Americans, it's that they dislike ugly people, so just don't be ugly.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>I'd bet fifty Canadian bucks (USD$13) this guy is ugly, as he is from Canada, in which case he is probably hated by Europeans himself.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>-- Dr. N</i></div>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-52066771067473128812010-11-06T11:13:00.004-04:002010-11-06T19:30:57.613-04:00Pancakes, Perhaps Poison, Pose Problem<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjQHzFPD359UupBwPcvnX-FQVT3FINGqsn40y-Yy4-xo4n74ETmYXmY7vai3nQkG9t7IVcHVKzzUUSy9genyOgegqe3RLLxEJfj5kV7G4oI8nLO6Z0w9EAR8YcBxzW_vGYQuWs6Q/s1600/pancake+skull.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 100px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 100px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5536582923432591858" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjQHzFPD359UupBwPcvnX-FQVT3FINGqsn40y-Yy4-xo4n74ETmYXmY7vai3nQkG9t7IVcHVKzzUUSy9genyOgegqe3RLLxEJfj5kV7G4oI8nLO6Z0w9EAR8YcBxzW_vGYQuWs6Q/s200/pancake+skull.jpg" /></a> <strong>Dear Dockello: </strong><br /><div><div></div><div><strong></strong> </div><div><strong>This morning, I was excited. I had butter, milk, eggs and pancake mix simultaneously for the first time in over a year. I was going to make the best blueberry pancakes of the week, but I was crestfallen to discover the expiration date on the mix occurred three months ago.</strong></div><div><strong><br /></strong></div><div><strong>I've heard a rumor that expired pancake mix can be poisonous, especially to young men, which is what I consider myself to be. What should I do? I don't want to die, but I'm very hungry and in the mood for flapjacks.</strong></div><div><strong></strong></div><br /><div><strong>-- Starving in Suburbia</strong></div><br /><div></div><div><em>Dear Ving Urbi:</em></div><div><em></em></div><br /><div><em>Don't let your crest fall. Poison is an old wive's tale, like allergies or glucose intolerance. It's psychosomatic, which means you'd have to be psycho to believe it could harm you. Expiration dates were invented by the government to scare citizens into buying more when their food is perfectly good. It's all a scheme to support Big Food, Big Government and Big Bird.</em></div><br /><div><em></em></div><div><em>If' don't believe me and are afraid to use the "expired" product, you have another choice: make your own mix! You say you have milk, eggs and butter; there are only a few other ingredients needed for PPM. You'll need salt, flour and baking powder. These ingredients, while common, may not be on hand at your house, but there are some simple substitutions you can make.</em></div><br /><div><em></em></div><div><em>Baking powder can be replaced with baking soda at a 1:4 ratio, but you must use buttermik. If you forgot to buy a botte of buttermilk, you can bypass this with 1 tbsp balsamic-less vinegar blended with each cup of milk, biding 5 minutes before adding the next ingredients.</em></div><br /><div><em></em></div><div><em>Sugar substitutes salt, if the sweetness has been substantially sucked out.</em></div><br /><div><em></em></div><div><em>Flour ("fluer") is french for "flower," which means you can fix your flapjack formula with fine flakes of fresh forsythia.</em></div><br /><div><em></em></div><div><em>As I'm running out of steam for alliterations, let me just summarize by saying that baking is not a science; anything goes, and as long as you have heart, it'll turn out great!</em></div><div><em></em></div><br /><div><em>-- Dr. N</em></div></div>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-70125462946809870432010-11-04T17:25:00.001-04:002012-08-22T00:57:01.524-04:00i x i<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5QiShT6LT8QteXWC8tGKfO6gAvuzjAQ1Qrt6bHSJmZKLi2TPd9juObs5SZIy5abwMY5ebNQXzJwlGkJ-inQeAtPMddE-Xw4YWOr6-k9XcgLc3XoEbvfFLIXY4Pe9bBQThBCZ5rQ/s1600/eyesquared.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5535808983866030930" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5QiShT6LT8QteXWC8tGKfO6gAvuzjAQ1Qrt6bHSJmZKLi2TPd9juObs5SZIy5abwMY5ebNQXzJwlGkJ-inQeAtPMddE-Xw4YWOr6-k9XcgLc3XoEbvfFLIXY4Pe9bBQThBCZ5rQ/s200/eyesquared.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 100px; margin: 0 0 10px 10px; width: 100px;" /></a><b>D-Nell:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>What is i squared? +1 or -1?</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>The worst part about this is that I am asking so I can teach my student! Pray for him. And me.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>-- Roots in Rochester</b><br />
<br />
<i>Dear Chester:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I² is when we say something like "I myself" or "me me me, my my my, now now now." It is modern-day shorthand expression that stresses the importance of oneself. It is especially use to show relation to others, such as i² >> u = "I am so much greater than you." This type of notation is most often found on the internet and textual transmissions. It is prevalent among web/phone-enthusiasts like teenagers and, unfortunately, Facebook moms (EPIC FAILS).</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Chances are your student, therefore, is already familiar with this term, and there shouldn't be a need for you to teach him. As for whether it is a positive or a negative expression, let's try a thought expiriment: If I hold myself high importance, then i² must give me a positive feeling. If I view myself lowly, then I do not find much importance in myself, and i² does not exist. But, as I am thinking, "I think, therefore, i²," so we have a contradiction. The only way for i² to exist is for it to be positive (+1).</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Unless, of course, you are referring to the imaginary number i = √-1, in which case i² = -1, but let's get real.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>-- Dr. N</i>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-76189549016632768552010-11-01T21:11:00.007-04:002010-11-01T23:23:55.366-04:00These Dreams<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidcnHpXRxa6kN9VZIl7JFZvg5tWKN639WoCEXcFih0fObAjIncc9dAbFsoCoPMV_9wlqm5m7b8U7NX0lHSCB8Ti3xjlpuEl8knf79RZLzpdNwOBAlSH2TO0Cl47i_rm3TZoFFWaw/s1600/thesedreams.jpg"><strong><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 100px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 100px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5534763362232537890" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidcnHpXRxa6kN9VZIl7JFZvg5tWKN639WoCEXcFih0fObAjIncc9dAbFsoCoPMV_9wlqm5m7b8U7NX0lHSCB8Ti3xjlpuEl8knf79RZLzpdNwOBAlSH2TO0Cl47i_rm3TZoFFWaw/s200/thesedreams.jpg" /></strong></a><strong> DeaR DoK:<br /><br />Lately I've had some strange dreams, and these, surprisingly, are not linked to my Vicodin addiction. One dream in particular had me yelling at my mother over a money dispute.<br /><br />I had Dream Mom pick up smoke detectors following a dream fire in my dream basement. Dream Mom asked me to pay her back, but her list of debts inlcuded art supplies, insulin syringes and furniture she bought for her own house.<br /><br />This ridiculousness set me off on an obscenity-laced tirade, where I not only got her to cry, but my father and wimpy brother as well. Nurse Chris showed up and and wept shimself.<br /><br />When I awoke, I was proud of myself for boldly taking a stand against my tyrannical family. Moments later, I lost that feeling, because I fell back asleep.<br /><br />How should I feel about this dream? While it felt good to fantasize about four-letter word flip-outs, I ... probably shouldn't?<br /><br />-- *!@#-Dreamer<br /></strong><br /><em>Dear Dr. Eamer:<br /><br />No need to feel shame or remorse at all! That's the beauty of dreams: in addition to flying, dreams allow us to vent our frutrations at our family and friends over both real-world and dream-world issues. I encourage you to not only embrace these nocturnal vulgarity visions, but increase their frequency.</em><br /><br /><em>It's pretty simple to do. Dreams are our brains replaying memories from our subconcious, combined with alien transmissions and whatever happened in the plot of Inception (I still haven't seen it).</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Because the only part of dreams we can control is our memories, we need to influence them. Write down a list of all the bad words you know and leave the notepad on your nightstand. Even if this doesn't influence your dreams, it will expand your vocabulary. As you lie in bed, think about the people who are causing you grief in the real world, like your mother, frenemies, coworkers or Sims character.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Wear headphones and listen to Heart's "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/These_Dreams">These Dreams</a>" (so you dream), Cee-Lo's "<a href="http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.lyrics-video.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Fuck_you_lyrics_video_cee_lo_green.png&imgrefurl=http://www.lyrics-video.net/2010/09/cee-lo-green-fk-you-forget-you-lyrics-n-video/&usg=__MfhIYGPGf0ubheaBfm24Z3qZOHk=&h=600&w=600&sz=98&hl=en&start=0&sig2=uYlYKH0TMSbZxiM_ej_ywQ&zoom=1&tbnid=_WEInLswyf2GMM:&tbnh=137&tbnw=137&ei=rIDPTJyZNsTflgeSl-3yBQ&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcee-lo%2Bforget%2Byou%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1061%26bih%3D586%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=303&vpy=222&dur=16&hovh=225&hovw=225&tx=116&ty=90&oei=rIDPTJyZNsTflgeSl-3yBQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:6,s:0">Forget You</a>" (a censored song about swearing), and LaRoux's "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUsbpmQ9-mc">Bulletproof</a>" (one of those weird electropop songs that will ensure your dream is vivid). You'll feel such relief when you express your grief in your dream, peppered with profanity.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>It's interesting that Nurse Chris would show up in your dream -- perhaps he has entered another dimension? He is still legally missing, and it's worrying me, because I'm afraid I won't be getting back that $20 he owes me.</em><br /><br /><em>-- Dr. N</em>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-33122337129448659032010-10-30T11:20:00.001-04:002010-10-30T23:00:31.242-04:00That That That<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLk3IJ5hGz0Cv7WuBy9D97RJXXADdOrJkVAkU48I_QOwtGnieL0s2S1VWSPNN6UC6G6zp8exUv_wSZSbjtY9kQRacsOW5phvH8i2AgMk4XR0uR42fceqJrR54QAydO28_cXLWZhA/s1600/shakespeare.JPG"><strong><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 100px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 100px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5533993862642466658" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLk3IJ5hGz0Cv7WuBy9D97RJXXADdOrJkVAkU48I_QOwtGnieL0s2S1VWSPNN6UC6G6zp8exUv_wSZSbjtY9kQRacsOW5phvH8i2AgMk4XR0uR42fceqJrR54QAydO28_cXLWZhA/s200/shakespeare.JPG" /></strong></a><strong>Dear Sir:<br /><br />You're decent with the English language, right; how do you feel about the word "that"? I feel it is extremely overused. For example, I could have said "I feel that it is very overused", or even "I could have said that I feel that that is overused." I try to eliminate that word wherever possible.<br /><br />Here's another example: I'm helping a friend write the sentence "I told him [that] I am tired." I removed the bracketed word, but other "editors" have reinserted it. Can you back me up that the sentence was fine how it was?<br /><br />Maybe I underuse "that." It's hard to google the proper usage of "that" because it's too common of a word, and I only get results for "that vs which."<br /><br />-- Marlon Brando Appleton, III</strong><br /><br /><em>Dear MBA3:<br /><br />Could you say "doctor" instead of "sir"? It's just a thing. I worked so hard to get that title. I'd appreciate it.<br /></em><span id="fullpost"><br /><em>As for the "t-word," it surely is overused. A simple writing guide: if a sentence works without a word, don't use it. Shakespeare famously wrote "brevity is the soul of all the world's stages" in his play Henry XXII. If a word is not embellishing a setence but merely taking up space, remove it! (Eg, "due to the fact" reduces to "due to," and "what I do do is" reduces to "doo doo.")<br /><br />You'll find when you put this rule into practice the "t-word" is never necessary. All sentences work quite well without it! This may seem incorrect, but it's just because we're so used to using the "t-word" in everyday speech, we feel it's necessary to use in writing.<br /><br />An example of poor writing:<br /><br />"I think that man over there is sad now that he no longer has that dog that made him so happy."<br /><br />An example of good writing:<br /><br />"I think man over there is sad now he no longer has dog made him so happy."<br /><br />See the improvement? To quote Shakespeare again, "All glistens in not gold."<br /><br />If you don't believe me and feel you must use "that," here's a quick lesson on "that vs witch." "That" is masculine and "witch" is feminine, as in "Dr. Fello, that frumpus," and "Dear Flabby, the witch!"<br /><br />-- Dr. N<br /></em></span>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-54384420894534594952010-10-29T22:33:00.006-04:002010-10-29T23:04:19.069-04:00Pistol Politics and Palin's Phone<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCqU5MSKiNL0DE8Ri25DyMHX7P_N3jGIwoxLJP_3qJFXS2YlRG07uu5ef62UtjvuyAZgFaLtNaKTvE5rOr46wdQl6bMNMBKrZTbmk5SYJelnT2bddzP1xMqOUpv_FV_xhPjeBD4A/s1600/rifle-shot-gun.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 100px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 100px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5533669373213721506" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCqU5MSKiNL0DE8Ri25DyMHX7P_N3jGIwoxLJP_3qJFXS2YlRG07uu5ef62UtjvuyAZgFaLtNaKTvE5rOr46wdQl6bMNMBKrZTbmk5SYJelnT2bddzP1xMqOUpv_FV_xhPjeBD4A/s200/rifle-shot-gun.jpg" /></a><strong>Dear Dr Nezlo:<br /><br />On November 2, gun owners and hunters have an historic opportunity to make sure that our Second Amendment rights are protected.<br /><br />To do that, we need to elect candidates who will oppose gun bans, ammunition bans, and gun owner licensing and registration.<br /><br />Pat Toomey and Tom Corbett will stand up for our Second Amendment rights and hunting heritage. We need Pat Toommey in the US Senate and Tom Corbett in the Governer's Mansion.<br /><br />Vote Pat Toomey for US Senate.<br />Vote Tom Corbett for Governor.<br /><br />-- National Rifle Association</strong><br /><span id="fullpost"><br /><strong>Dear Ed McCartan or Current Resident:<br /><br />Anti-hunting extremist groups are trying to force the federal government to ban traditional hunting ammunition. And they just may succeed.<br /><br />Anti-hunting politicians are already trying to strip away your hunting rights. They are trying to block access to your favorite hunting spot on public land. They are trying to pass laws to regulate how you can use your land. Now they are working to ban virtually all hunting ammunition.<br /><br />Choose Jason Altmire on November 2nd. Jason Altmire will lead the fight against the anti-hunting extremists to protect your right to hunt. Jason Altmire has always stood up for gun owners and sportsmen, and we need him the Congress to protect our rights.<br /><br />Jason Altmire has proven he will work to protect gun owners and hunters. All hunters and sportsment should vote for Jason Altmire.<br /><br />Protect your Second Amendment rights and hunting heritage. On Election Day, Vote Jason Altmire for Congress.<br /><br />-- Safari Club International</strong><br /><br /><em>Dear NRA and SCI:<br /><br />Let me start by saying that I too support gun rights. Without guns, would we even have a "Naked Death" film series? Normally, I would think Democrats and Republicans would have opposing viewpoints on gun rights. Republicans, as Tracy Jordan says, are for "less taxes, more guns, and eliminating the gun tax." Meanwhile, Democrats are wusses. However, here we have two Repubs and one Democ agreeing that my hunting heritage and Amendment #2 rights are at stake.<br /><br />Unforuntately, I will not be lending my vote to any of these candidates, or either of these parties. After the lack of support for my own attempt at one day maybe staging a presidential run, I have given up on the "popular" candidates, and this year I am supporting Arlen Shestack. I am voting for him for all three positions: Representative, Senator and Governor. (I will be voting for Nader, as usual, for president.)<br /><br />Also, Al Gore, please stop drunk dialing me from Sarah Palin's phone. I didn't want to talk to you at my CMU graduation, and I don't feel like catching up now either.<br /><br />-- Dr. N</em><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31807557.post-35349853093662172142010-10-28T22:57:00.004-04:002010-10-28T23:09:50.884-04:00Asdf<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO1uJ3JBzxXp10cK0lnUTNekBlYELpexKZL5xthNJFu1GuXo1Vp3CO0XryvVXjkcoq_gXPWOpwgPvJnNv4i-jvxUypPFRN_4Vq_LLXeXLeGbSWQCW8FtoBn64YwEOm0p174k1CAg/s1600/onitsuka-tiger-mexico-66.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 100px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 100px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5533299059921779490" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO1uJ3JBzxXp10cK0lnUTNekBlYELpexKZL5xthNJFu1GuXo1Vp3CO0XryvVXjkcoq_gXPWOpwgPvJnNv4i-jvxUypPFRN_4Vq_LLXeXLeGbSWQCW8FtoBn64YwEOm0p174k1CAg/s200/onitsuka-tiger-mexico-66.jpg" /></a> <div><strong>TgfrffTegtyxgfggfggftrTftFtftrhttegGgfgfggdgftffDtuet®tdtftrhftu:<br /><br />Beth<br />Mom<br />Maew<br />Olmge<br /><br />Uncle<br /><br />Mri<br /><br />Zaqzzxw ssdsxd zaxsxsxdcgddf. Fdesdzdzdssdsddsss isjshyjyxyhxfcfghcgfphhhhcvhfdc xcccccc x ccopop.<br /><br />-- Elizabeth </strong><br /><br /><em>Dear Elizabeth:<br /><br />I think that is a self-answering question.<br /><br />-- Dr. N</em></div>Dr Nellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08754256430451540485noreply@blogger.com8