4th and £950,000.00

4th Annivesary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Doctor.Nello@gmail.com:

Your Mail-ID has been awarded £950,000.00 Pounds in our Mercedez-Benz promo. Send your

1.Name.............
2.Address..........
3.Phone/No.........
4.Country..........

-- Nelson Manuel Garcia Acuna

Dear NMGA:

Thank you, this must be some sort of 4th Anniversary Congratulations present! With such a generous reward, I must give something back to Mercedes-Benz. I'll share my recipe for an amazing salad I recently made. Spinach leaves, multi-berry craisins, sugar & cinnamon almonds, feta cheese, apple slices and lime coated chicken. Oh, it was so good!

Wait a minute -- your initials, NMGA, remind me of the word "eNiGMA." In fact, your name is an anagram for "Enigma Loaner Cancans Luau"! This either means you are a scam artist, or you are mysteriously giving me money at a surprise Cancan Luau anniversary celebration. I'll assume it's the latter, but while I appreciate the effort, I won't be able to attend due to a prior engagement.

-- Dr. N

4th and 26

4th Annivesary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Doctor Nello:

Happy Anniversary! It's amazing to think that you and (the sadly now missing) Nurse Chris have been doing such a magnanimous humanitarian service for four years. Merci beaucoup!

With another year under your 32" belts, you must have added another year to your age as well. This happens to most people each year, including myself. I get excited each time this happens, but friends of mine get depressed as they get older, and we are only in our twenties. Apparently, they believe this to be the best decade of our lives, and it's all downhill from here.

I'm turning 26 in a few months -- is this something I should look forward to, or fear?

Thanks, buddy. Hope you find your Nurse Chris!

-- Quarter-Centenarian

Dear Quarter-Cent,

Your friends are ridiculous; how could your twenties be the best decade of your life? Obviously, the best decade is your nineties, though unfortunately many people do not make it to see them. When you're 90-something, you're big shishya.

You can hide from your birthday if you wish to slow your aging process, like Telly tried to hide from the New Year on Sesame Street. I accidentally did this -- twice -- which is how I graduated college "early." Realizing I wanted to make it to 90 so I could enjoy the best years of my life, I crammed my 20th, 21st and 22nd years into one to get back on the normal age path. Who knows, I may do this again, and then repeat a few years when I'm in my 90s to fully appreciate that age range.

Look forward to your birthday, and thanks for remembering our anniversary. Who knows if Nurse Chris will be found; honestly, he is a quickly-fading memory. I am not even sure there ever was a Nurse Chris.

-- Dr. N

4th and 40th

4th Anniversary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Dear Dr Nello:

Happy fourth anniversary! My letter is also about an anniversary: my parents' fortieth. My mom and dad raised ten of us kids, and they'd like us to all get together in June to celebrate with them. We're having trouble figuring out what to do and where to go: getting a beach house in North Carolina, a farm retreat in New York, protesting the president in Virginia or gang-fighting in Ohio.

There have been a few squabbles on Facebook over this, and I fear, come June, it will be a disaster. Can you help us so that we can pull this off and still speak to each other afterwards?

-- Numero Sette

Dear #7:

Thank you for your well wishes on our anniversary, but I regret to inform you that your get-together will in fact be a disaster. I do not know your family, so I will make up names for each sibling, and here is what I envision happening:

"Juniper" will come with seven children but leave with six, only four of which are her own, and all will be spanked soundly.

"Janessa" will bring her own Porta-Potty and introduce "peanut-butternut-squash fudge," which will quickly end up in said Porta-Potty.

"Thor" will not smile in any picture and make fun of other's dress while wearing Crocs and confessing to not owning a single pair of jeans.

An uninvited homeless man will be turned away, but it is revealed this is actually "Lareasha" who has not showered or shaved in a week.

"Dwayne" will tell everyone about the amazing product he sells at work, the "Comfort Wipe," and publicly demonstrate its use.

"Anemone," in charge of getting the caterer, will only get seven salami slices for the entire family to share, but secretly eat them herself.

"Miroslav" will pay to opt out and go to Europe, but no one will notice he is missing. However, he will still be in charge of photoshopping the family picture.

"Voldemort" will tell dirty stand-up jokes. He will then reveal that he is in fact homeless and has been living in Juniper's van for three weeks.

"Chayse" will bring his "friend" Maurice. Every time Chayse holds a baby niece or nephew, a peculiar smell will be noticed, and yet the child's diaper is always dry.

"Riannon" will be mistaken for grandchild. At her piano recital/art show, her siblings will cover their eyes and ears and throw-up in the Porta-Potty.

Your mom will tell longs stories about the cat, not realizing one of your siblings ran it over that morning, and your dad will fall asleep in the corner, finally getting his peace and tranquility.

Initially planning to renew their wedding vows, your parents' marriage will stunningly be put "on hold" until the government allows "equality for all."

Enjoy!

-- Dr. N