NEW BOOK TO HIT SHELVES SOON

As drnello.blogspot.com nears it's third month anniversary, we are proud to display the cover art of the upcoming, previously mentioned book. "The Doctor Is In (And So Is His Nurse)" will show up in December, chronicling the best posts of this advice column, and will be available for preorder around the Christmas shopping season (July).

(For our inspiration this time, check out this link.)

Wash Hands or Get Worms

Dear Doctor and Nurse:

The other day, my family and I were driving around when a type of worm illness came into the conversation. My lovely mother was describing what the symptoms were, then said one that was rather sickening to hear. No one said anything about it. Then my father told a little more of what happens to you and said something equally disgusting. My mother was furious and told my father that was a horrible thing to say. I don't know who's to blame: my father because my he shouldn't have continued the issue, my mother for being a hypocrite, or the worm for even existing? Help!

-- Worried About Worms

Dear Worried:

It sounds like your parents have problems with TMI. Too much information, sadly, can have unintentionally disastrous results, which seems to be the case here. Instead of ensuring through fear that you will wash your hands after every bowel movement to prevent a worm infection, your parents have merely instilled a desire in you to not listen to them. Hopefully you already have an innate sense to cleanse yourself after numero duo. If not, don't block me out when I say WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER USING THE POTTY. (You'd think this would be obvious, but I witnessed many a dorm student leave a stall without stopping by the sink when I was in college!)

Here's another example of how TMI is just not helpful. Right now I am suffering from a rare disease that as-yet does not have a name (I'm thinking perhaps "iphelicrappola"). This disease is one of the worst known to humanity. It started out as a horribly sore throat, which progressed into a terribly horrible sore throat that goes down through my chest. I lie in bed with three blankets, a sleeping bag and a wool sweater and shiver uncontrollably. I cannot sleep for more than an hour at a time because I wake up in such agony. If I do happen to temporarily fall asleep, I wake up drenched in sweat. My nose is clogged, and when it's not clogged it's bleeding. My saliva is so thick that if I try to spit I just get a long line of drool hanging from my lip and have to manually remove it. And ever since I got this rare, excruciating, nearly fatal disease, I have not been able to swallow once without wincing.

After reading that paragraph, I wanted you to simply be more informed about iphelicrappola so you can take care not to catch it yourself. Unfortunately, though, you're probably feeling very sympathetic for me and desire to send me get-well-soon cards, presents and money. (Either that or you're feeling sick yourself.)

So remember two things: don't give TMI, and wash your hands.

-- Dr. N

MOVIE WITH DOCTOR AND NURSE COMING SOON

Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris finished filming for the upcoming eighth installment of the acclaimed Naked Death series. Like the other seven films, this one promises extended nudity and violence.


The plot is a well guarded secret of the film company, but we are told that it involves Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris, a banana, a knife and a mystery.

Dear Flabby stars in this film as well (although Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris point out that her role is much smaller).


Originally subtitled "Murder, Au Naturale," the title is now simply "Naked Death 8."
(If you don't understand the artwork, click here to see the album that inspired this poster. For posters of the previous seven films, click on this (1), this (2), this (3), this (4), this (5), this (6) or this (7). Website coming soon!)

Owl Howl

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've noticed that some of the questions you have gotten lately are downright foolish. They have been a waste of my time to read, and no doubt have been a waste of your time to answer. Can a man of your credentials and busy schedule really have the time to devote to those who need brain transplants or have severe social disorders brought on, no doubt, by being younger members of large families? Tell me are there no minimum standards on your notable blogsite? Please continue to answer all questions on cats and arranged marriages and those sent in by women, mothers or homeschoolers as these are always of general interest.

-- A Wise Old Owl

Dear WOO:

This letter was received a while back, but due to an evil email snafu we were unable to answer it until now. As I'm sure you're quite aware, the quality of our posts has improved since you sent this. It is true, for a short while there we were putting forth subpar posts. (Then again, if you're below par in golf, doesn't that mean you're scoring well?) For confidentiality reasons, I can't point out particular posts that we grudgingly replied to, but I'm sure you can pick them out.

When I say our posts were below average, though, I must also point out while they were below average for this blog, they were far superior to most other advice columns.

At that time, we were going through an email shortage. We are actually investigating this: recent evidence indicates that one of our competitors (we'll call her "Dear Flabby") actually hacked into our account and was blocking incoming messages. Due to the shortage, we were forced to revisit old rejected emails. As these emails had less interesting topics, the replies were unfortunately also less interesting.

But this was a long time ago. Since then our email account has been flooded with emails and we're doing our best just to keep up! At your request, I will continue to deny emails from homeschooling mothers with cats.

-- Dr. N

2(Tall) + 4(Grad School) = 1^(Loneliest #)

Nurse Chris:

I recently won what I considered to be a "major award" but it seems as if nobody else cares. I waited and waited for family and friends to either a.) call and congratulate me, or b.) show up as they said they would to the ceremony, but neither happened.

My concern is that I move forward in my life and continue down a path of increased academic specialization that I am learning more and more about less and less, and eventually I will know everything about nothing.

What advice would you give me? I would appreciate it greatly if any insights you have and/or recommendations you will make could be expressed in a mathematical expression or formula, for that is how I prefer to communicate with other people.

-- Learned, Lanky and Lonely

Dear Lonely:

I'm sorry to tell you this, but responding to your letter in an equation would only worsen your condition. I can tell from the way you type that you are the tallest person in your family by at least a quarter of a man, and this makes you uncomfortable around other people, mostly because you have to bend over to communicate with them. Without realizing it, you have completely separated yourself from the rest of mankind and turned to numbers to find friends.

That is why nobody seemed to notice after you won your award. People are so used to your solitude that while they may have told you they would come to the ceremony, they figured you wouldn't even notice their absence. A second possibility is that years ago, family members used to offer you "treats" but you ignored them and this is their way of getting back at you.

About your problem of learning everything about nothing, I have good and bad news. The good news is that you have realized you have a problem, the bad news is, you are so far gone, it will be hard for you to get back on track. They say knowledge is power, but in reality, knowledge can ruin your life. People become absorbed with learning, and soon enough learn the basics of everything that is important. So they decide to specialize, learning more and more. But how in depth can you go on one subject? Specialized education is a slippery slope, and as you learn more about nothing, you begin to forget the important things in life, and become lonely.

Your condition cannot be reversed naturally, so I suggest counseling to help get your life back on track.

-- Nurse Chris

Freaky Eye

Dr. Nello:

I have an eyelash shortage. My eyelashes on the top center of my right eye all decided to fall out in a week's time. I'm not sure what caused it, but it frightens me (and little children) because now I sort of look like one of those dolls that have the eyelids that close when you tip them back, except I look like one of the freaky ones in scary movies because my eyelashes are missing. In a related matter, I had two ingrown eyelashes at once in the same spot about a year ago. Can you help me? Halloween is nowhere near and yet little children run screaming when I go by.

-- Tired of Being "Chucky"

Dear Tired of Being Chunky:

The way I see it, you have quite a few options. You could remove eyelashes from your left eye, and this way your face will be symmetric again. You could even shave your eyelashes completely off: lack of hair is the new in. Ask Britney Spears. Just beware that this can lead to ingrown lashes, which as you know can be a problem.

If you insist on keeping your lashes, you could glue some artificial ones on. Nose hairs are about the same color and length, but if that bothers you, you can always pluck some spare eyebrows to use.

You could invest in an eye patch to cover your eye. Also pick up a hook and an affinity for the letter "R." While children may be afraid of dolls, no child is scared of a pirate.

Ingrown eyelashes are caused by one of two things. The first is shaving or trimming your lashes down too far so that they regrow under the eyelid. The second is that when you are sleeping, spiders crawl across your face. Some spiders are swallowed but those that are not have a penchant for snatching lashes, and when the new lashes grow back they are ingrown. I recommend sleeping with your mouth open to keep the spiders from getting your eyelashes.

I hope this helps you. Please write back if you have anymore questions, but do not send a picture because your eye sounds really scary and I don't want nightmares.

-- Dr. N

Dangerous Dreams

Dr. Nello:

I think I have a problem, but I'm not sure. My life is probably in danger. My son likes to share his dreams with us and the other day he rambled on nonchalantly about his dream of me. It began with his arguing with me and went on to where he actually killed me. As my children must explain their dreams to me in twenty-five words or less, I'm not sure how the dream ended. Of course, I now sleep with my door locked, a knife under my pillow and one eye opened.

If I live or die is not such a problem, and being killed in my sleep could be more pleasant than the terrible car crash my husband will no doubt have someday when I am neglectful with my back seat driving. My problem why is Nurse Chris confused about his gender? Are his older brothers to blame? Does it have to do with too much time on the computer, or the many times he was thrown head first from his bike as a child? Does he need counseling or just a new wardrobe? What is the medical term for the opposite of an Oedipal complex? Does this have anything to do with global warming?

-- From the Mother You All Wish You Had

Dear So-And-So:

Interesting that you think your son's murderous nocturnal sensations are trumped by Nurse Chris's gender, Freudian theories, and global warming. I will address each of these issues in reverse order.

1. I only wish Nurse Chris had something to do with global warming. I am sick and tired of the cold weather: one ski trip this winter was enough for me. Now I don't want to see below 60 temperatures until December. Unfortunately, whether Nurse Chris is male or female does not affect the climate. However, I have heard that smoking increases the greenhouse affect. I am considering taking up this habit (for the sake of global thermal comfort, of course).

2. Oedipal complex is when "children regard their father as an adversary and competitor for the exclusive love of their mother." Therefore the opposite is "children working with their father to destroy their mother." We'll address this in point 6.

3. I never want to read "Nurse Chris" and "counseling" in the same sentence again.

4. Nurse Chris claims that he was never thrown from his bike. Rather, that time at the park he explains as an experiment to see if hitting a metal trash receptacle at a high velocity would enable flying. The test was successful, as both Nurse Chris and the garbage can achieved substantial altitude. Also, Nurse Chris says he never uses a computer, except to study, e-mail, instant message, research Camaros and blog, which are all necessary.

5. It is very likely that Nurse Chris's older brothers have had an effect on his confusion. According to Wikipedia, with each additional son, the chances of a certain lifestyle increase by 30%. Nurse Chris therefore has a 120% of being this way. As you can see, it is only understandable that he is not sure of what exactly his identity is.

6. I suspect that your son has an anti-Oedipal complex, as I described in point 2. If this is the case, then you may want to start sleeping with two eyes open as your husband is probably plotting to kill you as well. In fact, sleep with three eyes open because your other children could be involved. In the meantime, try to figure out why your family wants to kill you. Perhaps you can allow your son to explain his dream in 25 more words; he might reveal his motives to you, and you can start putting your knives in the kitchen instead of the bedroom. Bring your family to counseling with you to sort out your problems; Nurse Chris would be more than happy to suggest an appropriate physician.

And while you're at it, start smoking so we can have an early summer.

-- Dr. N

NEW MEDICINAL SUPERPOWER

Dr. N and Nurse Chris are proud to announce a new website! DrNello presents DrMediPedia, an editable wiki of important medical information. You'll find definitions of diseases like "narcaticlepsy," medical terms like "dual swab" and medicines like "placebotox." Not only does DrMediPedia provide an invaluable searchable database, but YOU can edit it too! (Ah, the power of wikis: edit a page an suddenly it becomes truth.)

Medication Mixup

Dear Dr. Nello:

I have very recently discovered that a doctor whom I trust greatly with advice on many topics may be a fraud! I have had mild concerns in the past, but now I am afraid I should take action against him. This doctor did not know that the OTC medication "Midol" had different uses from your every day Ibuprofen or Aspirin! He thought that Midol's main purpose was for headache relief.

I will certainly be cutting myself off from this doctor, but I want to get the word out to others. What do you think I should do?

-- Disgusted by Doctor

Dear Disgusting:

It is a sad fact that there are quacks out there like your doctor who claim to have extensive medicinal knowledge, and in fact have never even been to medical school. There are even some who go so far as to set up online advice columns, purporting to be helpful physicians, and in reality are shameless con artists. Beware of these charlatans!

However, I do find your worries over this particular doctor to be unfounded. Have you done a DrMediPedia search on this particular medicine? I have. Check out this link.

Had your doctor claimed that Midol could cure malblogoholism, gynophobia, or senioritis, then he would have been incorrect and you would have been right to pursue legal action. As it stands, though, it seems that your doctor in fact is correct, and you probably owe him money. Lots of money. I expect my check in the mail.

-- Dr. N

PLEASE BE PATIENT, PATIENTS

Dear Dr. Nello Devotees:

Wow, it's been 2 weeks since we've last posted! We apologize; we know you're all anxious to have your letters answered (or at least laugh at the medical problems of others). We promise to put up at least three posts this weekend, or you'll get your money back.

-- Dr. N and Nurse Chris