Marriage Woes

Doctor Nello:

My parents are very old and perhaps this is just their senility, but they like to argue over such minor events like what kind of bread is bought for Sunday brunch or what color the bookshelves should be. Their constant bickering is affecting my whole family: my brother cries himself to sleep each night and my sister ran away to Ugly Fat Horse Camp. My parents have been married for 36 years but I fear that number might not increase. I want my daddy to please stop yelling and my mommy to please stop crying. What can I do?

-- Child, Living in World War III

Dear Child:

It would be a horrible shame if your parents don't make it to their next anniversary; you must convince them that murder is not the answer. While this may seem like a daunting task, you should know that Nurse Chris and I actually run a marriage counseling. It is a three day retreat we call "Bat Out of Hell IV: Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris's Marriage Counseling."

Day 1 is an arduous journey. We begin with "Starvation Vacation," which teaches them to appreciate each other's cooking, continue with "The Quiet Game", which teaches them communication skills through duct tape, and conclude with "Trial By Fire" (this is more for the entertainment of the staff). Day 2 has three choice games: "Apology or Leprosy," a game in which the spouse can choose to apologize or suffer from disease, "Compromise or Someone Dies," which works on negotiation skills, and "Forgive or Don't Live," which teaches reconciliation. If days 1 and 2 have not solved the couple's problems, Day 3, with our super secret patented method definitely will.

If you'd like to sign your parents up the cost is a very low price of $10k, and the value of saving your parents marriage is priceless.

-- Dr. N