Replies to Free Couch Ad on Craigslist

Oh, there is no picture there, could you email it to me?

-- RHK

Hi I'd love to come get this item. You you please let me know the address.

-- Jenn

If it is already claimed for can, you email me..because I won't make arrangements to get our trailer tonight to pick up the couch email me or call me let me know either way
THX!

-- Jennifer

I am interested in the couch posted today. I live about 50 miles east of Pittsburgh, but will be willing to travel. Where in Squirrel Hill do you live? I am not very familiar with the area except for the tubes. :)

-- Dave

Hi, I just wrote you (about a second ago) about the couch you have listed. I've been wanting one of this sort for a really long time but can't afford one new, and heh...usually not even used. But I'd be happy to offer you some cash for this couch. Let me know!

-- Justina

Do you still have the couch!? Thanks!

-- Holly

Dear All:

For a picture of the couch, click here -- note that there are several large stains on it from furniture abusing roommates. Also no, I do not have that couch anymore. I gave it to a very weird girl.

In lieu of giving you a couch, I will mock you.

Jenn: You have a double letter in your name, but this does not mean you you should repeat your pronouns.

Jennifer: The couch has not been "claimed for can," but if you're not making trailer arrangements I hope you're not expecting me to. THX forever!

Dave: I think that's funny that you are willing to drive two hours round trip for a crappy couch, but even funnier that you call Pittsburgh tunnels "the Tubes." I don't live in Squirrel Hill anymore. Don't use emoticons.

Justina: I kind of want your money but the whole "heh...usually not even used" line makes me repulse you too much to accept.

-- Dr. N

DR. NELLO JOINS WGA STRIKE

Realizing that he, too, is a writer and hoping to jump on the bandwagon before it's unpopular, Dr. Nello has joined the 2007 Writers Guild of America's Strike. "I'm not really sure about all the details of the strike," he explained, "but I figured this would give me a good excuse to stop working for a while and spend time on other things I like to do, like writing on my other blog."


Until the WGA resolves its issues with the AMPTP, or Dr. Nello grows tired of the strike, there will be no new posts on this website.

(Meanwhile, an individual who looks suspiciously like the late Nurse Chris was also seen, but unavailable for comment.)

Famblogs

Dear Doctor:

You may be a quack, but I don't know where else to turn, and besides you're free. I am currently addicted to several family blogspots and waste too much time on them. That's not my problem, though, as I have more time than money anyway. My problem is that when I read these blogs I instantly want to comment and say something sarcastic. With some families I know they will give as good as they get, and might even enjoy it, but others might think my comments are offensive.

Right now I have been holding back for days with not commenting after someone's sweet picture, "Am I the only one here who sees the strong resemblance to Princess Leah?" This is accurate and very funny, but I am sure it would be interpreted as rude. So should I 1) stop reading family blogs, 2) never comment (too hard!), 3) be brutally honest and funny, or 4) start one more self-help group and charge, so I could have more money than time?

-- One Who Amuses Herself Very Much

Dear Person:

I think you mean Princess Leia, from Star Wars. Princess Leah is actually a very different character, and is quite an insult.

I am a big fan of being brutally honest and funny. That's how I answer most of my letters. For example, much of your letter is nonsensical and leads me to believe your were intoxicated while writing it ("more time than money," what does that have to do with anything?). However, I am a doctor and therefore I am allowed to say such things, whereas you have probably not held a real job in over 30 years.

What I recommend you is find a new hobby, so you're not wasting so much time on family blogs and tempting yourself to write acerbic criticisms. For example, you could try to crack the musical Da Vinci Code, like this man (or produce "Da Vinci Code: The Musical").

One last thing, please do not think that you can anonymously comment on these famblogs and no one will know it was you.

-- Dr. N

Simple Answer for Cat Problem

Dear Doctor Nello:

I have a cat, Ylgu, who constantly makes annoying meowing noises that drive me and the others in the house crazy. I've tried throwing heavy objects at him, shutting him in the basement, and yelling at him to shut up with no results. Do you have any suggestions besides killing him? I don't want to kill him and I don't feel like paying someone to do it.

-- Esebo Yrev, Nowheresville

Dear Esebo:

The answer is simple. Kill the cat. Amen.

-- Dr. N

Got Talent?

Dear Dr. Nello:

My family cannot peaceably run talent shows together. Does this mean we should get a divorce?

-- Too Personal in Slumsville

Dear 2Personal:

Why would you want to run a talent show anyway? This is the 21st century. We have television. There is no need to sit around watching each other perform magic tricks or yodel in Latin when we can just flip on the tube.

I can tell, though, you must be one of those "traditional" people that shuns electronic media, "unschools" their children and hosts tea parties. You're going to go ahead and keep planning events like "Slumsville's Got Talent" in your living room. Here is my list of suggestions for Successful Home Innate-Talent shows (or Successful HIT shows, for short):

1) The only languages allowed for songs are English, Vulgarity and Finnish.
2) A gong, a cane and several rotten tomatoes are provided for fast removal of poor quality acts.
3) There must be at least one act involving bodily functions. (If you find this too crude, you can substitute Jell-O wrestling.)
4) The closing song should be an acoustic rendition of "Ladybug, Ladybug."

Follow these steps and there should be no need for family divorce. If tensions should remain, though, please call the Nurse Chris Memorial Family Counseling Hotline, 1-800-NCZ-DEAD.

-- Dr. N

Spiders and Sheets

Dear Doctor Nello:

How often ought a lady change the sheets on beds for her guests? Once a week? Once a year? What if she feels quite certain that giant spiders are occasionally sleeping in the guest beds, but also occasionally laundering the sheets?

-- Confused as a Cupcake

Dear CaaC:

First of all, spiders are not only gross, but dangerous to your eyelashes. Therefore, if you think there are giant spiders in your basement, I recommend bombing the bedroom. Not bug-bombing but literally bombing it to smithereens.

Another approach you can take is arming your guests with mythical swords such as "Sting" from the Lord of the Rings. I fell asleep the last several times I tried watching that movie, but I'm fairly sure that "Sting" slays spiders of great dimensions. (As a side note, I hear the movies were so successful they're novelizing them as a book trilogy. Exciting!)

I have never heard of spiders laundering sheets. However, I do know of a verifiable medical case were a girl had a boil on her face. The boil grew larger and larger until it exploded and hundreds of tiny spiders crawled out.

In general, when spider infestations are not a concern, follow the "underwear" rule for sheets. After two uses, flip and use twice again, then wash.

-- Dr. N

D$@#!

Dr. Nello:

Someone I know keeps writing "derpt" on things. Is this funny?

-- Getting Derpt-pressed in Ohio

Dear Derpt-pressed:

It really depends on what "things" this person is writing on. For example, if he's writing "derpt" on a BMW or a national monument, that's not funny, but if he's writing "derpt" on his posterior (or his posterity), that could be funny.

The term "derpt" itself is not one that I was immediately familiar with, and a quick scan of drMediPedia proved unfruitful. However, out of the top five results of Google, I have determined "derpt" to be one of three things: 1) a misheard quote from a movie, 2) an alternate spelling of Tartu, the second largest city of Estonia, or 3) part of a biochemical computer code from the Université de Liège. Let's examine the funniness of its usage in each case.

1) Quoting a movie has a funniness limit of 10 usages per month. Misquoting a movie is only funny the first 5 times. If this person has passed their limit, they are no longer funny.

2) Tartu, being the second-largest city in a country known mostly as "the other one besides Latvia and Lithuania," and having the alternate spelling "Derpt," is funny to write about. It's just so ridiculous, like Unalaska, Alaska or Twin Buttes, NM.

3) It is never funny to write computer code (especially on T-shirts), even if it does refer to an institution with a very funny name.

So as you can see, it is only funny if a) "Derpt" refers to Tartu or b) it is written on a rear end. If this person is writing "Derpt, Estonia" on his rear in Twin Buttes, NM, then it is very funny. Otherwise, chances are it's not funny.

Finally, for more information on funniness, you should consult TBS.

-- Dr. N

Nonanonymous, But Still Stupid

Dear NC:

I have this friend ... um ... we'll call her "Janet." She has an obsession with sending you e-mails that are neither funny nor clever (it will be easy to spot them). You and the doctor have been kind enough to answer them, but I can guess how much of a pain it is. I desperately need advice on how to tell her that her e-mails probably should have never even been written they're so stupid. I really don't want to hurt her feelings (I hope she doesn't realize this letter is from me) but if it's necessary, then I'll do it.

But there is something else too. I have to be the worst speller in the world. I once wrote a valentine for some friends, and instead of writing,"Domenica and Krissy" I wrote, "Damn it, Krissy." Can you help me at all?

-- [Please Insert Name Here]

PS. I'm glad to finally find out your gender! Though I still doubt it's possible to change from male to female...

Dear No Name:

Nurse Chris is dead, but I'll pass on the message.

We are quite familiar with "Janet." I have actually received phone calls from this individual (which is strange and slightly disturbing as I have an unlisted number). She has demanded to know why her some of her emails went unanswered, and I explained that I refuse to answer questions that 1) refer to cats as humans, 2) contain "Nello-head" or "Dr. Quack," or 3) simply don't make any sense. She seems to have gotten the message as it has been months since I've heard from her. You don't need to worry about Janet.

For others, though, how do you politely tell them their emails are stupid without offending them? The answer is simple: you can't do it politely. Just be rude and blunt. Some things are more important than friendships, such as intelligence, pride, money and chocolate.

As to the spelling issue, I think a better question is why were you writing a valentine to two girls at once? I suggest investing in an unabridged dictionary, a swift kick in the butt, and (in memory of Nurse Chris) counseling.

-- Dr. N

WHO KILLED NURSE CHRIS

As the murder investigation of the beloved Nurse Chris continues, we will be reporting any discoveries and accusations on a new blog, whokillednursechris.blogspot.com, and reserve this blog for the usual posts.

LETTER, CLUES DISCOVERED IN NURSE'S BEDROOM

Nurse Chris's body was found dead in her bedroom in early August with a screwdriver piercing her right temple. Several clues have been discovered that may implicate suspects as police continue to solve her mysterious and grizzly murder.

The most prominent clue so far was a letter addressed to "You Filthy Man-Woman Slob." It was apparently from a former employee of Dr. Nello's who felt "brushed aside [by the doctor] in favor of a tramp ... with the intelligence of a decapitated sewer rat and the odor of an unwashed Siamese monkey fish." It was signed "Your Fellow, Doctor Fello."

Pittsburgh police believe that this letter may be from the unpopular Doctor Francis J. Fello, a former employee fired by Dr. Nello this summer for not writing posts on schedule. Nurse Chris was notorious (and fired) for also not posting on time, but was rehired. Meanwhile, the forgettable Dr. Fello has not been rehired.

Police have named Dr. Fello a murder suspect, but stress that he is a "person of disinterest."

Police have also promised a report due tomorrow on other clues and suspects, with "an exciting twist you never saw coming!"

Fuddy Duddy

Hello Dr. Nello:

I have an awkward brother and a pushy sister who cannot find love despite both having experienced some academic success. My mother worries for my sister, I worry for my brother, and my father, well, he is too busy stealing grapes one at a time from the grocery store and overcooking bacon to really notice anything.

I have recently heard a rumor that my brother and sister, both conscious that they may never find someone to accept them for who they really are, have toyed with the idea of becoming each other's "safeties." Shall the Hapsburg Jaw replace the Clavin forehead as our family crest? Is there anything to do here?

-- Rightful Claimant Of Father's Wealth Upon His Death

Dear Primogenitor:

I've always believed the best way to prevent inbreeding is to ban country music, but you have presented another challenge to the notion of non-consanguinity. As you have so expressed your concern for your siblings, I have no doubt that you've already tried playing matchmaker, such as using your children to introduce your brother to homely Protestant girls on the beach or outright asking your sister in front of company why she wants to be an old maid.

However, you have other options. For your brother: many mail-order bride companies are now accepting orders from anonymous donors. For your sister: mail-order bride companies might hire your sister if you send them her resume.

Another option is to make them extremely competitive against each other, which will inspire them to beat the other to getting married. Tell one that his graduate school is more highly ranked than his sister, and tell the other that her school is more religious than her brother's. But make sure that you still look better than either of them: tell them both that you have more degrees than them and your school was more religious than either of them.

-- Dr. N

PS. I have a feeling that although your siblings are unmarried, your brother has more hair than you and your sister ... well, she might have more facial hair than you.

BOMB FOUND IN NELLO'S OLD APARTMENT, LINK TO NURSE CHRIS

With the tragic murder of the beloved Nurse Chris still under investigation, a discovery made today suggests that his/her death may have been part of a plot to kill Dr. Nello as well.

Dr. Nello recently upgraded to a penthouse in nearby luxury apartments, moving out of his old Pittsburgh residence in mid-August. The three current female tenants were clearing out the basement (which contained items left from the tenants before Dr. Nello) when they discovered a 12 oz. bottle of nitroglycerin. A firetruck, several police cars, a paramedic van and a bomb squad were called in to remove the explosive while the apartment and its surrounding homes were evacuated.

Lab analysis revealed that the nitroglycerin had only partially crystalized. A fully crystalized sample could have detonated at the slightest movement, but in its partially crystalized state, it was still deadly. Knocking or dropping the bottle could crack it, which as one paramedic put it, could have "blown up the place. You'd be dead."

The bottle was discovered last week, but although it is labelled "NITROGLYCERIN" the current tenants were unaware of its danger until today, when they called the police.

It is unclear who placed the explosive in the basement, if it was intended to kill Dr. Nello, or if it has any relationship to the Nurse Chris murder. Dr. Nello says of the discovery, "I'm lucky to be alive. To think, I did laundry in that basement several times and could have accidentally used [the bottle of nitroglycerin], mistaking it for detergent. To be sure, those damn spots would be out, but I'd also be dead."

If indeed the bomb was meant for Dr. Nello, it seems the potential killer was unaware that Dr. Nello had moved.

Dr. Nello did accused some individuals of using the nitroglycerin to construct meth labs in his basement, including his archrival Dear Flabby. He later retracted these claims when it was pointed out that nitroglycerin is, in fact, not used in meth labs. His credibility as a doctor was briefly questioned, but these doubts were dispelled when he proved he must be a real doctor as his name is, after all, "Doctor" Nello.

The bottle was marked with the letters "JS," which was thought to have stood for "JustineSpired" but was later proved to be the letters "US" in "VERY DANGEROUS." (The ink on the "U" was partially faded, resembling a "J.")

[For more information, check out my new second blog at http://hereinpittsburgh.blogspot.com/.]

SAD NEWS

I haven't posted in over a month because I've been mourning the passing of a dear friend. Nurse Chris was found August 5th with a screwdriver in Nurse Chris's head. The death is still being investigated. -- Dr. N

Anonymous Commenter

Dr. Nello:

I have a pretty popular blog, but there's one fan I could do without. This particular reader sometimes uses an alias, but often just signs as "anonymous." I understand that it's slightly more effort to have to type in your name rather than just clicking the "anonymous" option, but this fan has a Blogger account (meaning it's just as simple to sign in with her real name). At first I thought she was signing anonymously because she didn't feel like signing in, but I've heard that she truly believes she's tricking me into thinking it's some other reader. She knows I don't think she's clever (especially compared to my profound cleverness), so she thinks by pretending to be someone else, I'll see the wit in her posts. As Shakespeare says, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and a post by anonymous is still stupid." What can I do to stop her from posting anonymously?

-- A. Nonny, Mass.

Dear A. Nonny:

You could simply turn off anonymous commenting, but this wouldn't send the full message. What you need to do is blog about this exact issue: write an article on why she's sooooo annoying when she pretends to be someone else. Remind her that she is not clever AT ALL. When she makes herself laugh (because she is easily amused) she is the only one laughing. Don't forget to explicitly say that you are not joking and are extremely serious. I doubt she'll want to keep anonyposting after that.

-- Dr. N

Real Real Estate

Dr. Nello:

I put my apartment online to attract potential renters, but I suspect that I may be getting scam emails. There's a Swedish mail-order bride, a British paleontologist, a chemist father and a blind and cripple teacher. While they've all provided plenty of background and guarantees, there's just something phishy about it. How can I tell if I can trust them or not?

[All the original letters can be found here.]

-- Moving, USA

Dear Moving:

What I'd suggest is that you write back to the posters making fun of them. Insult everything about them, especially spelling and grammar, appearances and weight, and lifestyle choices. If it's truly a scam they won't bother responding to you, and if it turns out to be real, you can apologize and explain that you were merely testing them for security reasons. They'll understand.

-- Dr. N

"Pretty" Clothes and Ugly People, Pt. 1

Dr. Nello (AND NURSE CHRIS):

Is there a connection between being physically unattractive and being mentally ill? I ask because there seems to be a high percentage of individuals with repulsive bodies who like to wear shirts and pants with slogans claiming to be some sort of hot commodity. Generally the slogan itself is strategically placed so as to draw your attention to a "problem area" of theirs. Even when it is not placed poorly though, the nature of the words just begs you to critique their beauty (or rather, lack thereof). Most of these people have ugly faces, too. I can only conclude that they have some mental deficiency. Why else would they do this?

-- Concerned After Standing in Line Behind a Man Who Had a List of "Firefighter Pickup Lines" on His Shirt but a Face that Made Me Throw Up a Little in My Mouth.

Dear CASILBAMWHALOFPLOHSBAFTMMTUALIMM:

The study of logovestusbellus delusion, or the confusion of "clothes with words make me pretty," is rather recent territory to be mined. However, with the rise of A&F, it is spreading at an alarming rate. My favorite example of LD was a girl with the word "Juicy" written across her derrière. I believe she was trying to degrade herself a la Sir Mix-a-Lot, but to Nurse Chris and I it just reminded us of liquid flatulences. Similarly, my sister spotted a female "Money Maker" whose income probably fell flat of what she expected.

But as you pointed out, males are not immune to this plight. Sometimes it's just innocuous yet stupid, like pointing out a "Gun Show" when the wearer has peashooters rather than bazookas, or proclaim the dirty deeds committed by the individual (like "I Fell in the Mud" when it's obvious he didn't).

Is there a mental deficiency connection? You would think an intelligent person would realize that wearing clothes with words don't make you beautiful, clothes that are expensive make you beautiful. But it's possible that the wearer doesn't actually believe that he/she possesses the qualities shis clothes proclaim, but wish to attract stupid people who read the word "Hottie" and assume that the shirt must be telling the truth even if shis eyes deceive shim.

While these nonmatching slogans and bodies make you vomit, just remember: wouldn't it be worse if they weren't wearing any clothes at all?

-- Dr. N

PS. Nurse Chris will add shis comments shortly (for those not familiar with the Beijing+5 type thinking, "shis" is the indeterminant gender possessive adjective; likewise "shim" corresponds to "her/him").

AUGUST ALREADY?

Where does the time go? We meant to answer so many posts during the month of July, but I guess we just fell behind. Here's a few rushed responses. Hopefully they're up to caliber.

Also, Dr. Jello had a birthday recently that we'd like to announce now (her b-day was 7/22). To make it up to her, we're going to have a very special "13+ years" post coming soon. And hopefully "soon" means this month.

Sincerely,
The Staff

[This was originally a Harry Potter post, but that was supposed to be a joke. I was going to delete it but since it got two comments, I decided to just change it.]

Doctor Nello to Inherit from a Not-A-Scam

[Note: This letter has been shortened; to see the original, click here.]
Greetings:

I am Mr. Douglas Gireme, an Accountant with Stanbic Bank Plc Lagos, Nigeria; I am also the personal Account Manager to Engr. George Woods, a Citizen of your country and a civil engineering Contractor with Halifax Petroleum Products Servicing Company in my country. On the 22nd of October 2005, Engr. George Woods was involved in a plane crash of Bellview Airlines Boeing 737 flight 210. All 117 passengers on board including Engr. George Woods, his Wife and their 3 children were killed in the fatal crash, shortly after take-off from Lagos.

Since then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to locate any of His extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several Unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of His family but to no avail, hence I contacted you. I got your contact from a Web directory I got from your embassy. I am his personal account manager of his account in my bank. The account is valued at about US$11 Million Dollars and it is due to be declared unserviceable by my bank by the end of next month since it has been inactive and unclaimed by anyone for more than 20 calendar months.

I am contacting you to assist in repatriating the money in addition to the estate property left behind by the late Engr. George. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over a year now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the George Woods, so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$11 million dollars can be paid to you, and then you and I can share the money 50% each. I will provide you with some of the Basic documents that the bank will expect you to have as a TRUE next of kin to Engr. George. This includes the Certificate of deposit for the money, Death Certificate and the Index Code number for the Account. An attorney will be contracted to help revalidated and notarize all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we you make.

All I require is your honesty; Sincerity and Cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this transaction will be executed under due legitimate procedures that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my email to Enable us discuss further and also send your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

-- Mr. Douglas Gireme, Esq

Mr. Grimy:

What bittersweet news: I can inherit wealth from the horrible death of someone I've never met. And there is clearly no way this is a scam because no lawyer who would fake a next-of-kin claim would be dishonest. I think your offer to split the money 50-50 is very fair and I'll be in touch with you shortly. Thanks again!

-- Dr. N

Marriage Woes

Doctor Nello:

My parents are very old and perhaps this is just their senility, but they like to argue over such minor events like what kind of bread is bought for Sunday brunch or what color the bookshelves should be. Their constant bickering is affecting my whole family: my brother cries himself to sleep each night and my sister ran away to Ugly Fat Horse Camp. My parents have been married for 36 years but I fear that number might not increase. I want my daddy to please stop yelling and my mommy to please stop crying. What can I do?

-- Child, Living in World War III

Dear Child:

It would be a horrible shame if your parents don't make it to their next anniversary; you must convince them that murder is not the answer. While this may seem like a daunting task, you should know that Nurse Chris and I actually run a marriage counseling. It is a three day retreat we call "Bat Out of Hell IV: Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris's Marriage Counseling."

Day 1 is an arduous journey. We begin with "Starvation Vacation," which teaches them to appreciate each other's cooking, continue with "The Quiet Game", which teaches them communication skills through duct tape, and conclude with "Trial By Fire" (this is more for the entertainment of the staff). Day 2 has three choice games: "Apology or Leprosy," a game in which the spouse can choose to apologize or suffer from disease, "Compromise or Someone Dies," which works on negotiation skills, and "Forgive or Don't Live," which teaches reconciliation. If days 1 and 2 have not solved the couple's problems, Day 3, with our super secret patented method definitely will.

If you'd like to sign your parents up the cost is a very low price of $10k, and the value of saving your parents marriage is priceless.

-- Dr. N

Flies and Lies

Doc:

I live in an apartment with some other guys, and because it's summer they like to leave the front door open to cool the place down. There's also a window open in the upstairs bathroom. We don't have screens, though, and I noticed we started getting some flies in the house. We were all gone this past weekend and when we came back there were dozens of flies. I tried explaining to my roommates that part of the reason we had a lot of flies was because of the open door and window, but they've told me that's impossible. (They've also said that bugs are not attracted to light, and that opening another window will cause them all to fly away.) If these flies did not come in through the door and the window, how did they appear?

-- Dan Bird, Pennsylvania

Dear Dan:

I have two words for you: spontaneous generation. Or if you prefer one word, abiogenesis. This was first hypothesized by Aristotle and has only been reaffirmed throughout the years. Spontaneous generation occurs when inanimate substances, like rotting meat, magically transforms into bugs. What probably happened was before you left, someone left some meat out, and when you came back it turned into the swarm of flies. My recommendation is that you leave a block of cheese out: this will turn into frogs, which will then eat your flies.

-- Dr. N

N'n'N TIP TO THE TOP

In it's sixth week, N'n'N's single "Still Tippin' (Cows)" overtakes Rihanna on the Billboard Hot 100 to claim the #1 spot. Billboard magazine ranks the most popular songs in the US based on sales and airplay, so this is a pretty major feat. Congrats to the Doc and Nurse!

Where'd Ya Go, Nello?

Dr. Nello, Valued Customer:

Are you still there? We want you to know that we miss you. We haven't heard from you in a long time.

Where have you been? We can change. Come back and let us know how. We really want you back.

-- American Eagle Outfitters

Dear AE:

Thanks for your concern, but don't worry, Nurse Chris and I were just on vacation down in North Carolina. For the most part it was a great week, although due to some over-chlorination of the swimming pool, water was not our best friend. Let's just say that an acidic pool can cause intense pain. (Just like senior citizens.)

Since you're willing to change, though ... I'd like it if you sent me a few free coupons, as in coupons that give me AE clothes, for free. That'd be great!

-- Dr. N

FIRST SINGLE FROM N'n'N RELEASED

Call up your local radio station and request "Still Tippin' (Cows)," that hot new track from N'n'N! (But make sure you include the "Cows" part, or they might play Mike Jones' "Still Tippin'," which is not the same song at all.)

Does anyone actually request songs on the radio?

Gender Revealed!

Nurse Chris:

The time has come for you to finally reveal if you are a man or a woman. Choose wisely.

-- Somebody

Dear Nobody:

The results are in! Sort of. It is now known that I was born male. Unfortunately, over time, hormones have been changed in my body, both naturally and unnaturally, and gender tests show that while I am neither completely man or woman, I am leaning more to the female side.

So, I would find it acceptable for people to refer to me as Sir or Ma'am, but I would prefer to be called "Chris" as that can be used for any of the three main genders.

-- Nurse Chris

Reader Should Take the Money

Nurse Chris:

My father is very sensitive in his neck, I mean so sensitive that if I were to touch it in just the right spot he'd pass out. Is it wrong to take advantage of this? I was thinking I could knock him out and take his money or something.

-- 8th Child

Dear 8th:

If I was a person with strong morals I would probably object to such behavior. Luckily for you, I am no such person. I find it completely acceptable to use this situation to your advantage. The only thing you need to consider is exactly how much money you take at a time. I've learned from my own experience of taking money from my parents, you need to take it slowly and over time.

If you are worried that he will eventually discover the missing money, set some of it aside. For example, if your dad has $3,000 in his wallet, after you have made him pass out, leave $500 in his wallet, set aside $2,000 and take $500 that you can spend right away. That way, if he never realizes that is money is gone, you can keep it, but if he does, you can always "find" the $2,000 under his bed where he "must have dropped it." He probably won't take the time to count it anyway.

If for some reason you feel guilty about the matter, I recommend counseling to help you realize how wonderful money is.

-- N.C.

REUNION LEADS TO ALBUM

The long awaited and delayed album from N'n'N is almost here! Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris are pleased to announce the release date for their first musical collaboration. Good Thing We're Not Related will hit stores this summer, June 19. It will be preceded by the single "Still Tippin' (Cows)," expected to hit airwaves sometime in the next week.

Nurse Chris Returns

Doktor:

I suspect your are studying for an advanced degree or something because the pickings are so stingy and stupid lately on this site. Should you really be taking up so much valuable internet space anymore, or should you unclog the blogosphere and make room for someone who is genuinely clever or at least helpful? That could be me (or any mother). Will you have a summer job that is going to interfere with your doing a good job of being a doctor? If so please bring back the much missed Nurse Chris!

-- Wondering, Wise Woman

Dear WWW: Never have I met a clever mother, but that's another story. The real issue, which many a teary-eyed child has asked me, is Nurse Chris. Are we reconciled? Will she be rehired? Does Nurse Chris know Nurse Chris's gender yet?

After temporarily employing two other doctors and asking my colleague Justinespired to submit a guest letter, I've realized that this site is missing something without the dear nurse. After much sobbing and sniffling (from Nurse Chris, mostly due to his having to take a shower), I've decided to allow him back to this advice column. Expect to see many posts from Nurse Chris shortly!

As for a summer job, I have one ... it happens to also be my winter/spring/fall job, which is helping people through my splendiferous advice.

-- Dr. N

PS. Dr. Fello and Dr. Jello will remain on the official staff of this blog, and will occasionally answer some letters as well.

hidDen message, seaRch beNeath

Dear Dr Nello:

A couple of months ago I started a blog, that was very popular but unfortunately I was only able to maintain it for a short period of time before I lost interest/motivation. I would like to start updating my blog again, because I think people really care about what I think, and most people probably have to waste their time now reading blogs by people who consider showering a hobby. I was wondering if you have any tips to get me going.

-- All Blogged Up

Dear ABU:

It's a good thing you're contacting me about this; I do have experience with making superb weblogs. The first question to ask, though, is if you really have the content to make a good site. Writing about your thoughts is a start, but consider thinking outside the box.

You can promise your readers a special event once a week (such as "Top 10 List" Friday, "Picture of My Children" Saturday, "Ghetto Muzik" Tuesday, or "I'll Actually Put Up a Post" Someday). Not only will this spark interest, but it will give you something creative and simple to do once a week.

Since you're starting back up and old blog, you probably have some posts already published. If you run out of new ideas to post, don't be afraid to go on a secret sabbatical ... just repost some oldies, or refer back to previous ones. You'll be surprised how many readers you can trick into thinking you've posted something new.

Or you can change the purpose of the entire blog. You could try a political approach, attacking governmental leaders without providing any real solutions. This way you capture the emotions of your audience without the responsibility of fixing the problems you point out. A blog about how much you hate the blog-o-sphere is an interesting concept; the irony of antiblogging will make your readers forget that you have no content.

Of course, the ramblings of your thoughts might be just enough to entertain your visitors, but don't lose steam by feeling the need to post every day. Twice a week is generally sufficient, and if you only post, say, five times in a month, that's just fine.

Also, remember to check out my previous post on blog advice.

-- Dr. N

Nerds and Neighbors

Here's a letter answered by our guest columnist and fellow blogger, Justinespired.

Dear Dr. Nello:

My neighbor "Wilma" is concerning me with her behavior. Recently when she was describing someone's actions to me, she said they were being, "unconsciously deliberate." Now to me that just seems to be contradictory but I thought it was best to bring it up with you. Then today Wilma said that people were believing "environmental wakoism" and I can't find "wakoism" in any dictionary, even the enormous unabridged version she recently bought for me didn't have it. So doctor, should I be concerned about this? Or is this just an uncontrollable behavior?

-- Confused

Dear Confused:

First of all, my apologies for not replying to your question sooner. I am the mother of many children and therefore have little time to dedicate to pursuing my own hobbies: writing and showering. Secondly, I’m wondering where YOU find the time to worry so much about other people’s problems. You don’t mention having any children. Do you? If so, you must not have enough. Find a way to legally acquire as many as possible. If you are single, I advise you seek out a large family and sell yourself to them as an indentured servant. Lastly, I suggest you stop taking books from your neighbor. Anyone who gives you unsolicited unabridged dictionaries likely suffers from a shopping addiction and you are just being an enabler.

-- Justinespired

Senor Rita (It's a Mr. Ri)

Dear Doc:

My sister is starting to worry me. She has absolutely no self esteem. "Bertha" calls herself man-woman, and recently asked my mother, "If children are like pancakes, why'd you make me so thick?" And one time I was looking in a mirror at a restaurant, and said "Who is that good looking guy?", referring to myself obviously, and my sister replied, "Me? Oh wait, you said good looking." Should I be concerned about this? Or should I be happy that she won't get her hopes up too high.

-- Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Connect-the-Dots:

I can't believe you're just now starting to worry. In cases like these the "Mister Sister" exhibits strange behavior for quite some time before the self-identity issues. Does your sister ever use halitosis as a weapon, speak Japanese or bathe in mayonnaise? All these are an indication of liquoreecha, an unfortunately common and severe affliction. Luckily there is a cure. In fact there are two cures! The first cure is a witch's brew made of nightshade, saffron and cat's blood mixed in a large black cauldron; drinking this in a graveyard during a full moon has been known to heal on at least three occasions. The second, which is slightly more practical, is to send your sister away to finishing school, however this may end up costing more than the first option.

-- Dr. N

Jiggly Jello Justifies

Dr. Jello:

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my roommates I want to kill them. I know murder is usually looked down upon, but they're really inconsiderate, irresponsible and idiotic. Also, I heard that a student whose roommate dies gets an automatic A. Considering these factors, what do you recommend?

-- Fed Up Grad Student

Dear Fed Up:

If you're hesitating about killing them to get an A, that's a problem right there. Roommates can be annoying sometimes, and a loving doctor would tell you to forgive them and try to work out a long lasting relationship. Unfortunately, I am not one of those doctors. If you really think killing them is wrong, you could always pay some one to do that for you. And if you really don't feel like spending the money, try selling them to the gypsies. Tell everyone that they died in some stupid, unbelievable, you-have-to-be-there-to-believe-it accident (you'd be surprised what people will believe) to avoid suspicion over their disappearance. They may be in misery, but you avoid getting blood on your hands. Plus, selling them means you now have money to use on killing future roommates.

-- Dr. Jello

The Other Other Doctor's Dog Deal

Exactly one week ago I gave Dr. Fello a seven-day expiration date. Here is the letter that just barely made it in time (he does apologize for the delay). Should we keep him? Your comments will determine his fate.

Doctor Fello:

Your name is so much cooler than Doctor Nello! Anyway, if my dog swallowed a leaking battery that I found in the mud at a toxic waste factory, and he's been throwing up, turned green, and can now talk, should I take him to an animal hospital, or just wait and let it pass? My friend said I should have done it a month ago when it happened, but I just wanted to ask a professional vet first.

-- Weird Dog's Owner

Dear Weird Owner:

Thank you for your compliment, and yes, my name is definitely much cooler than Dr. Nello. Of course, no offense to him.

As to your dog, if he has not yet died, film him while he is still talking and get it running on YouTube. If you get enough interest going, try seeing if a talk show might be interested in putting your dog on as a guest (actually you might want to contact "The View" to see if they have found a replacement for Rosie yet). If he has died (or has stopped talking), I would recommend selling him (or his body) to science. Then take the money and buy another dog (I would recommend a cat), or an iPod is always fun. I hope this advice helps you.

-- Dr. Fello

Dr. Fello To Get Boot, Dr. Jello Next In Line

Dr. Nello:

Why hasn't Dr. Fello posted anything yet? I think you should fire him.

-- Dr. Nellophant

Dear Dr. Nellophant:

I'm not quite sure what happened to Dr. Fello, but I can tell you this, he isn't turning out to be a very good assistant. I'll give him another week, and if he still hasn't come up with anything, he's going the way of Nurse Chris.

In the meantime, I have quite a long list of applicants waiting to fill this auspicious position. So say hello to:


Dr. Rita Shaqquitlique Jello!

Let's hope she does better than the last one.

-- Dr. N

Comments Blocked

Doc:

I have been having trouble posting comments on your site. This is a problem because although I am extremely clever (I make myself laugh all the time) I also am very forgetful. This is an asset at times, such as when I watch a rerun of a mystery show, like Sherlock Holmes; the ending is always a surprise for me. However, when I write a comment and then can't post it, I promptly forget what I've said and may not be quite as clever the next time. Can you please fix your site so that none of my cleverness is lost?

Have you asked your mom to fill in for nurse Chris in his/her absence? Or is she over-qualified?

-- Frustrated in My Own Mind

Dear FiMom:

You probably just got blocked by our SpaMomKiller software, which prevents junk posts from reaching our inboxes (generally friend requests, advertisements, and posts about mothers). Unfortunately, the occasional junk post will slip by, and other times good posts are misinterpreted as junk messages. We did recently upgrade our software, so hopefully this has solved your problem.

As for Nurse Chris, Nurse Chris and I are currently discussing Nurse Chris's position as my assistant (due mainly to reader pleas). As previously reported, Dr. Fello has been hired on a temporary basis, and his first email response is expected soon. However, before any final decisions are made regarding Nurse Chris, there's quite a line of other applicants that require my attention.

-- Dr. N

Ffuts Yadhtrib Erom

Dear Doctor:

I am turning 18 next Friday and I am worried sick about it for several reasons. Reason one is that for my 16th and 17th birthdays my parents neglected to buy me a car and they have already let me know that I shouldn't expect one. Now some people may think that they are just telling me that so they can surprise me, but my parents have never been the kind of people for pleasant surprises. Should I just leave my parents and go live on my own? I understand you may not be able to answer this part of my letter because you yourself never had a mother.

Secondly, I am supposed to go away to college in the fall and, to put it frankly, I am not very smart. I have been able get by at the community college this year by buying papers, answers to tests and other such aids, but I cannot afford to continue this.

My third problem is that I can't get a girlfriend and probably never will be able to. I have no idea why though, as I am devilishly handsome and have a great personality. At first I thought my bed wetting and non-showering habits were the problem, but that would just be ridiculous. I thought maybe getting in shape would help me out, and I have tried the body spray by BOD called "Really Ripped Abs," but after 6 months I don't even have a six-pack! Is there anything I can do? And please, don't recommend religious life, they have already told me they would never accept me.

-- Running Out of Time

Dear Running:

At first I was afraid that I didn't answer this letter in time, but then I saw you said you turn 18 on Friday. This is ironic; did you realize that your birthday is the day after Nurse Chris's? When Friday comes, though, have a birthday! (A friend recently informed me that you should never say "have a happy birthday" because then you are forcing the person to have a happy one, and telling someone how to have their day is just rude.)

Your parents are completely unfair, but they are probably also old and therefore "not all there," which is a polite way of saying "crazy." However, this also means they are easily overwhelmed. Try reverse psychology on them. It works like this: record yourself saying "buy me a car" on a tape and softly play it backwards on a loop while they're sleeping. Walk backwards when you are around them, even wear your clothes backwards. Eventually your parents will look into a mirror, and everything that was backwards will suddenly become clear. The subliminal messages you played for them will be associated with your strange behavior, and they'll buy you a vehicle. (This really works, "em tsurt!" Oot, rac a em yub dna.)

You said you get by in college by paying your way, but are running out of money: if you've already eschewed ethics, why not turn to stealing? This way you'll never run out of money, and if you plan on transferring to a university, this will help with the rising tuition costs.

For the girlfriend deal, you have two options. First, try switching to TAG or AXE: their commercials promise quick results. Or, you could rethink what shape it is you're trying to get in. Have you considered a rhombus, a hexagon or even a dodecahedron? Some women prefer men with such original, creative shapes.

Hope I got 1 outta 3 right.

-- Dr. N

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NURSE CHRIS

Today is Nurse Chris's 18th birthday ... which may possibly lead to a rehirement ... a temporary rehirement ... possibly ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOCTOR NELLO

Today is Doctor Nello's 22nd birthday! Woo-hoo!

Oh what a joyous day! Here are a few of the wonderful things that happened:

The Facebook Team sent me a message: "From all of us on The Facebook Team, have a great day!"

Justinespired put up a special post.

I got six birthday cards!

Lots of presents ... refrigerator magnets, Cream of Wheat, mac'n'cheese, a stuffed dog, and Bacardi coconut rum.

My brother, my sister and her kids and a few friends came over for tacos, cupcakes and karaoke ... and I sold some gold records!

At midnight I passed the birthday torch on to Nurse Chris (see post above).

-- Dr. N

Dr. Fello

Dear Dr. Nello:

Let me introduce myself. I'm your fellow doctor, Dr. Fello. I'm actually a vet and I'm a friendly fellow to every animal (except dogs, let's just say I don't like them).

I found your blog while looking up some animalian diseases on DrMedipedia. I've always agreed with your advice you give to people, even though I've only been accustomed to working with animals. Since you fired Nurse Chris, I thought it would be a good time to introduce myself and hopefully become your trustworthy assistant! Please let me know what your decision is (I hope I'm your top candidate). If you want reach me by phone, call 1-800-DR-FELLO.

-- Dr. Fello

Dear Dr. Fello:

I do not wish to reach you by phone, but ... well, seeing as I haven't had any other acceptable applicants yet, I think I might go ahead and give you a trial run. I'll be forwarding you an email in the next couple days; your performance in answering it will determine whether I hire you full-time or terminate you.

I mean, terminate your position.

-- Dr. N

Moochers

Dr. Nello:

I live with some friends in an apartment, and usually things go fine. Lately, though, there's been an issue with food. We all pretty much buy our own food and label it (I always write funny things, like "I am cooler than all of you, and this bacon is mine"). I thought this only applied to food we bought and that leftovers didn't need such nomenclature. Well, I guess I was wrong. A friend baked me a pie, and I had a few slices. I went to eat it for breakfast the next morning and it was gone! All day today I was thinking about how wonderful my hamburger + macaroni and cheese was going to taste for dinner, seeing as I missed lunch; I checked the fridge and that too had been eaten! Now I would just label this stuff but it's usually in non-label-able containers. What do you suggest?

-- Empty Stomach

Dear Empty Stomach:

You would think everyone would know the unwritten rule of "Thou shalt not eat thy roommates food" and its corollary, "If thou must eat thy roommates food, make sure what you take is unnoticeable and NEVER take the last of something." As you have now come to understand, though, there are plenty of ignorant housemates out there. You've made a step in the right direction with labeling the food you can, but for the food you cannot, I recommend poison.

Not necessarily fatal poison but just something that will make the consumer nauseous. You'll have to sacrifice some of your leftovers but this will be well worth it. He who taketh your food now will surely learn his lesson. Another (less painful and also less fun) option is to purchase some green food coloring and make it appear that your food is moldy (or look like vegetables, both ways are good deterrents). Eventually your roommates will catch on, though, and it's also possible they'll throw your "moldy" food away.

Of course, you could just sit down with your roommates and discuss your feelings on this issue, but I think that's a stupid idea.

-- Dr. N

What's Up, Doc?

Doctor Nello:

You fired Nurse Chris ... why? What will become of your blog now? What will become of your movie/book/music deals? Are you hiring?

-- Akon Serndreeder

Dear Akon:

I am quite aware April Fool's is only on April 1st. It is Nurse Chris who is the fool!

Nurse Chris's inbox was overflowing with unanswered letters, and I needed Nurse Chris to answer these before I could post any myself. I repeatedly sent Nurse Chris memos, warnings and email forwards, but nothing seemed to work. Nurse Chris had to be let go.

The blog will still be the same extremely helpful advice column it's always been. I might someday get around to removing all the images of Nurse Chris scattered throughout this page, but that requires a lot of photoshop editing, which is not a top priority to me right now.

"Naked Death 8" will still be released, but the future of our autobiographictional movie is unclear. My attorneys, Nurse Chris and I are working on the book: we might split it into two separate books or bump up the release date. As for music, we were going to reveal information about our new band, but I am too frustrated right now to even think about how great N'n'N would have been.

I am actually looking for a new assistant (blogging is a lot of work!), and I'm going to post my specifications shortly. I can tell you this, though: I will not be hiring any mothers or gender-confused individuals.

-- Dr. N

APRIL FOOLS!

Apparently Dr. Nello didn't realize that April Fools Day is only supposed to be on April 1st, not the whole month! Everyone knows the site would crumble without the Nurse.

NURSE CHRIS FIRED!

Nurse Chris is no longer employed by Dr. Nello.

Dr. Nello says: "Nurse Chris was incredibly lazy when it came to this blog. Nurse Chris is un-assistantlike and un-American. I apologize to the few who are offended by this news, but this is something I should have done a long time ago."

It is unclear whether Dr. Nello will be hiring a new assistant to fill Nurse Chris's role. Check back for more updates.

NEW BOOK TO HIT SHELVES SOON

As drnello.blogspot.com nears it's third month anniversary, we are proud to display the cover art of the upcoming, previously mentioned book. "The Doctor Is In (And So Is His Nurse)" will show up in December, chronicling the best posts of this advice column, and will be available for preorder around the Christmas shopping season (July).

(For our inspiration this time, check out this link.)

Wash Hands or Get Worms

Dear Doctor and Nurse:

The other day, my family and I were driving around when a type of worm illness came into the conversation. My lovely mother was describing what the symptoms were, then said one that was rather sickening to hear. No one said anything about it. Then my father told a little more of what happens to you and said something equally disgusting. My mother was furious and told my father that was a horrible thing to say. I don't know who's to blame: my father because my he shouldn't have continued the issue, my mother for being a hypocrite, or the worm for even existing? Help!

-- Worried About Worms

Dear Worried:

It sounds like your parents have problems with TMI. Too much information, sadly, can have unintentionally disastrous results, which seems to be the case here. Instead of ensuring through fear that you will wash your hands after every bowel movement to prevent a worm infection, your parents have merely instilled a desire in you to not listen to them. Hopefully you already have an innate sense to cleanse yourself after numero duo. If not, don't block me out when I say WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER USING THE POTTY. (You'd think this would be obvious, but I witnessed many a dorm student leave a stall without stopping by the sink when I was in college!)

Here's another example of how TMI is just not helpful. Right now I am suffering from a rare disease that as-yet does not have a name (I'm thinking perhaps "iphelicrappola"). This disease is one of the worst known to humanity. It started out as a horribly sore throat, which progressed into a terribly horrible sore throat that goes down through my chest. I lie in bed with three blankets, a sleeping bag and a wool sweater and shiver uncontrollably. I cannot sleep for more than an hour at a time because I wake up in such agony. If I do happen to temporarily fall asleep, I wake up drenched in sweat. My nose is clogged, and when it's not clogged it's bleeding. My saliva is so thick that if I try to spit I just get a long line of drool hanging from my lip and have to manually remove it. And ever since I got this rare, excruciating, nearly fatal disease, I have not been able to swallow once without wincing.

After reading that paragraph, I wanted you to simply be more informed about iphelicrappola so you can take care not to catch it yourself. Unfortunately, though, you're probably feeling very sympathetic for me and desire to send me get-well-soon cards, presents and money. (Either that or you're feeling sick yourself.)

So remember two things: don't give TMI, and wash your hands.

-- Dr. N