Dear Dr. Nello:My family cannot peaceably run talent shows together. Does this mean we should get a divorce?
-- Too Personal in Slumsville
Dear 2Personal:
Why would you want to run a talent show anyway? This is the 21st century. We have television. There is no need to sit around watching each other perform magic tricks or yodel in Latin when we can just flip on the tube.
I can tell, though, you must be one of those "traditional" people that shuns electronic media, "unschools" their children and hosts tea parties. You're going to go ahead and keep planning events like "Slumsville's Got Talent" in your living room. Here is my list of suggestions for Successful Home Innate-Talent shows (or Successful HIT shows, for short):
1) The only languages allowed for songs are English, Vulgarity and Finnish.
2) A gong, a cane and several rotten tomatoes are provided for fast removal of poor quality acts.
3) There must be at least one act involving bodily functions. (If you find this too crude, you can substitute Jell-O wrestling.)
4) The closing song should be an acoustic rendition of "Ladybug, Ladybug."
Follow these steps and there should be no need for family divorce. If tensions should remain, though, please call the Nurse Chris Memorial Family Counseling Hotline, 1-800-NCZ-DEAD.
-- Dr. N
4 comments:
People who don't know how to have fun with conversational latin are always so jealous of it.
Question-
could Kumbayah be substituted for Ladybug Ladybug in a pinch?
only if you sing "there goes the yellow group, kumbayah ... there goes the blue group, kumbayah" or "somebody's dying, Lord, kumbayah."
can we substitute jello shots for jello wrestling?
Hey Dr. Nello, I heard that there is a mandatory talent show at your parent's this Thanksgiving, just after dinner. All acts must be a minimum of three minutes or performed in a foreign language while doing an interpretive dance. See you there.
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