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Help With Drinking Problem

Nurse Chris:

I have a drinking problem. Right now I am drinking diet root beer. Diet! Can you believe it? And I'm not repulsed! This is a problem and I don't know what to do.

-- Dr. Nellephant

Dear Phant:

I am terribly sorry to hear of someone in this type of situation. Fortunately many people who drink diet soda make a complete recovery, but it's not always easy. Diet soda has a weird way of attacking the central nervous system similar to cigarettes. The victim becomes numb to the horrible aftertaste either because it has been too long since they last experienced real soda, or because they slowly killed off their good taste brain cells.

There are two ways to treat this. The first way is to look at other people who drink diet soda. Most of them are not in good shape and can't afford to drink real soda. You will naturally want to dissociate yourself with those people and and your brain will start functioning normally again. The downside to this is that you can easily slip back into your old habits if you don't continually look at out of shape people, and no one really wants to do that.

The second alternative is to go to the store, buy a 12 pack, and drink it in under an hour. This will jolt your body back to where it should be. The downside to this method is that if you drink too much soda at once, you will become out of shape yourself and be forced to drink diet soda.

A supplement to either of these of these methods is DSDA (Diet Soda Drinkers Anonymous), they hold weekly meetings and are free to attend. Find one in your area and try it out.

If all else fails, I suggest counseling to help you get back into your normal drinking habits.

-- Nurse Chris
| 3 comments | Thursday, February 15, 2007
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Hungry Hungry Honey

Dear ever sensible and sensitive Nurse Chris:

I realize that I want very much to get back in shape, but I also desire to eat constantly, uncontrollably and indulge in all the foods I like so much whenever I want. For instance , tonight I want to consume a big bag of pretzels and a pound and a half of blue cheese mixed with a pound of cream cheese, then I want to move on to Dove bars and then back to Doritos -- you see the pattern? Is it possible that my two desires mutually exclusive? Can I marry physical fitness and sheer culinary abandon?

-- A Hungry Honey

Dear Hungry:

Fortunately for you, studies now show that eating whatever you want, along with a reduced calorie diet and exercise, can actually help you lose weight! So go ahead and eat your pretzels, chips, and moldy cheese. Before you know it, you will be in the best shape of your life, and enjoying it too!

If by any chance you do not lose the weight you wanted to, I suggest counseling to help you deal with you emotional grief.

-- Nurse Chris
| 1 comments | Saturday, February 10, 2007
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Doctor's Defense

Dear Doctor and Nurse:

Okay, so you help us with our problems, right? What about you two? I mean, come on, you guys must have problems of your own; nobody's perfect. How can you give advice to people if your own judgment is blurred (not just by your drinking problems)? "Remove the plank from your own eye before taking the splinter from your brother's."

-- "Ri"

Dear Ri:

I find it funny you accuse me of criticizing others before removing my own plank. For your information, I have removed my own plank. I removed so many planks I was able to build my house with the lumber. And I have a mansion! As for my brother's eye, I have no intention of removing those splinters ... I put them there myself.

I will admit, though, that I am not perfect.
As you mentioned, I have a drinking problem. Right now I am drinking diet root beer. Diet! Can you believe it? And I'm not repulsed! This is a problem and I don't know what to do.

My personal problems do not prevent me from giving advice to others, though. While you quote the Bible, here's an adage that trumps yours: "Physician, heal thyself." What this means is that physicians are allowed to heal. As I am a doctor (physician), Aesop is giving me permission to give advice to (heal) others with my own powers.

Lastly, I do not believe my judgment is blurred because I wear special unblurring glasses.

-- Dr. N
| 2 comments | Thursday, February 08, 2007
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Hurting Head Healing

Dr. Nello:

It's so good to know that the doctor is in again. I have had so many questions to ask, but since you have be on hiatus, I have turned to drink and justinespired.blogspot.com. This has been difficult as one gives me a hangover and the other brainfreeze. While both of these conditions are okay, I'm afraid I now find that every time I drink too much I read blogs, and even sober I'm reading Justine's on a daily basis. Is there any help for me? Do I have bloggeritis or something? Must I leave my computer at the curb on garbage day? Pretty soon my puter time will rival that of my no good sons. Help!

-- One of Your Many Non-Paying Patients

Dear Freaky-Deaky:

Bloggeritis would be an inflammation of the blogger. You are not a blogger and probably not inflamed either. Therefore I diagnose that you do not have bloggeritis. You actually have "malblogoholism," which is a combination of an alcoholism and an addiction to poorly written blogs.

I'd recommend getting a spam/virus blocker for your internet browser to keep you off that J website, but I can tell you are not computer savvy as you call a computer by the reprehensible term "puter." So instead I suggest that you have your wonderful sons hide your computer glasses. This will keep you from viewing the content of justupid.com and replace your brainfreezes with headaches.

Now that we've consolidated your problem into a hurting head, let's work on that. I can't just prescribe pain killers, because it's well known that medicine and alcohol can have dire results and I'd likely be sued. Instead I recommend holistic healing. Buy very large magnets and screw them to your head (just be sure to remove them when using your computer to see this site). Acupuncture works as well, and remember "the bigger the needles, the faster the healing." Lastly you can try "yogart," which is the recent fad of exercising yoga while submerged in yogurt.

I hope this helps, but if it doesn't, you don't pay me anyway.

-- Dr. N
| 4 comments | Tuesday, February 06, 2007
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Treadmill Troubles

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I have been having a problem as of late. When I run on a treadmill, I lose feeling in my big toes. Why does this happen? Should I be worried, and how can I change this? I am very concerned about the safety of my feet.

Thanks!

-- Fearful for Feet

Dear Fearful Four Feet:

I referred your question to my podiatrist friend Dr. Ollen Oznarf. He gave me some great advice, but unfortunately I was drunk during our conversation and my memory of it is blurred. I'll try to recount his sagacious recommendations as best as possible.

"Foot safety is a concern oft overlooked in today's society. While exercisers will wear knee pads, elbow pads, and even nose strips, the foot is forgotten. One should take special care in treating the hallux (commonly known as the 'big toe'). Never stick anything sharper than your finger or a needle in your toes, and never dip your foot in boiling liquids.

Special devices are available to ensure safety during exercise, such as helmets, seat belts and metal braces. If you experience numbness or loss of vision in you halli, invest in a pair of toe helmets at once!

If your symptoms do not improve, you could look for replacement toes. They are available at many retailers such as Target, eBay and Loews Theaters.

Another option is to stop running on a treadmill. This will end your problem."

He didn't say what causes your problem, but I think it's that you drink too much.

-- Dr. N
| 0 comments | Monday, February 05, 2007
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S.W.E.A.T.Y.

Please forgive our short break from the Dr. Nello blog! The good doctor is preparing his Phi Kappa Phi nomination acceptance speech and Nurse Chris is temporarily Wet Nurse Chris for his new nephew. We hope to be able to resume our near-daily postings shortly; please keep those emails coming!

Dr. Nello:

My friend was answering a questionnaire and he had to list the emotions he felt when he received money. He said he felt sweaty. I was wondering is sweaty an emotion?

-- Perspiring While Inquiring

Dear Perspiring:

Did you ever see the 2003 remake of the movie Italian Job? You'll remember that "fine" is actually a carefully organized code standing for "Freaked out, Insecure, Nervous and Endangered species" (F.I.N.E.). Similarly, S.W.E.A.T.Y. means "Supple, Winterfresh, Energetic, Avaricious, Timid and Young." Your friend is actually saying that he is experiencing a number of emotions with this one word.

First he feels supple, or strong, with his newfound wealth, and even winterfresh. This leads to excitement and he is now energetic. Money, though, can cause him to become greedy and avaricious, and the realization of this makes him timid. Finally, he feels young as money reminds him of his youthful days of allowances, Christmas presents, and stealing from his parents' change jars.

So to answer your question, sweaty is not an emotion, it is many emotions. Hope this leaves you D.U.M.B. (Determined, Understanding, Merry and Beautiful)!

-- Dr. N
| 1 comments | Thursday, February 01, 2007
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