An Affair to Forget

Dear Dr. Nello:

When my husband goes to work, I go to the neighbor's and bring a kitten home for the day. This has been going on for several weeks, and I'm afraid that there might be talk in the neighborhood. The sweet thing is a stray and needs a home.

This is the closest I've gotten to cheating on my husband and I like it -- a lot. Do you think I would be a good candidate for having an affair? Please advise.

-- Married to an Ogre

Dear M2aO:

Are you talking about cats? This is insane. Cats are only sweet when cooked, not caressed. I am going to pretend you are instead claiming to have an affair with a black dwarf-rabbit named "Bruno."

Anyone can be a candidate for an affair, you just need to do some proper planning. Assuming you are a mother, you can get good at cheating by playing board games with your children. A good example is "Monopoly," in which you can be the banker and take a few extra $100s when no one is looking. Mothers are notorious for cheating at games.

You will also need a good alibi for what you were doing with your time when you and Bruno go for walks on the grassy knoll, as your husband is bound to come home or call on his lunch break some day when you are not around. You should claim to start a new, impromptu activity, like:

1) Professional Mourner - randomly attend funerals of people you don't know (people are always dying).

2) Bird Feeder - throw loaves of bread at local fowl in the nearby park (requires hiking and may lead to an affair with the birds).

3) Pencil Vendor - import twig pencils from Poland and sell them for profit on the streets (these are a hot commodity; you'll make some good money!).

I hope this helps, but if it doesn't I'm not too disappointed.

-- Dr. N

Thorax Side Airbag

Dear Dr Nello:

My son is flying to Europe and I just know that he wants me to go with him. He's never directly asked me and has even stated most emphatically that he doesn't want me to come, but with my motherly intuition I know he really wants me to come. Getting my passport expedited will be the easy part. It's the airport security that's my problem.

For a 62 year old former beauty, I can still still hold my own in a crowd of elderly men. Nonetheless, as most Americans I've never been photographed naked and would prefer not to go that route now. I've never even been naked in a hospital. They supply you with gowns which provide modesty of a sort. Alone in the shower is as far as I take my nudity. I know when the Jews entered the concentration camps they were paraded naked before the Nazis who were going to execute them. Just because the TSA isn't necessarily going to kill us, is it OK to be naked scanned and maybe have the image saved? If so I will refuse to autograph my picture.

Do you suggest submitting to the groping pat down? I'm very ticklish and this could get weird. My sister recently flew from Canada, being fair skinned and blue eyed she looked suspicious and was groped with her blouse being raised and her stomach exposed. My stomach would be the envy of a starving person; however, I'm afraid that all this body touching is unsanitary and I would be at risk of bring home bedbugs or something else awful.

I'm concerned for my boy also. What if the same-sex patter-downer likes men too much? What if they use a woman who would get too friendly? He shouldn't have to travel leaving his modesty in the airport lobby.

What's a mother to do? Please respond promptly, we will be leaving right after Thanksgiving.

-- Doting

Dear Dottie:

First, let's get this straight: although I have never had a mother, I know when a son says he doesn't want to travel with his mom, he means it. Trust me, it is not a good idea to push him to the breaking point with threatening travel plans. Do, however, buy his minor admiration with Christmas presents.

I will now channel the weakened mentality of my missing compadre, Nurse Chris. The following thoughts are not my own, they are of Chabizzle shimself:

"Embrace your nudity! The TSA wants to see you nude? You should be flattered. Most people would have to pay others to look at them naked, and you get a freebie!

If you still mistakenly feel ashamed of your body, do a dance. Dancing releases endolphins into the atmosphere, which make you and anyone else who osmisifies them happy. Plus, moving quickly by shaking like a Quaker will blur the recorded image on the body scanner. A word of warning: I have heard a rumor that, on occasion, the TSA and the TVGuide sometimes cross wires, and your x-ray might end up being the in-flight movie.

In addition, I suggest counseling."

Nurse Chris is weird. Instead of following his advice, opt for the enhanced pat downs. A common misconception is thinking you are to stand still and follow the security agent's orders. Really, it's a game with witheld rules: Patty-Cake-Down. When the agent reaches out his hands for your nethernation, slap his hands back and start chanting "Miss Mary Mack." It's actually quite fun, and I don't know why there are so many complaint news stories out now.

If your son is old enough to travel for business, he can handle himself and his modesty. If a man is hitting on him, he should take advantage and get free stuff like wine bottles or magazine subscriptions, as long as it doesn't lead to a gwedding. If a woman is crushing on him, just set out an extra plate for Thanksgiving.

-- Dr. N

Cracing Costume

Dear Doctor Nello:

I didn't dress up for Halloween this year, carve a pumpkin or eat a single piece of candy. I'm pretty upset with myself for my lack of holiday spirit. I just had a great idea for what costume I could have come up with: I'm on crutches from recent surgery, and I could have been a marathon racer! How hilarious would that have been? I mean, you can't run a marathon on crutches! And the costume would have been simple, I'd just need to slap a big number on my t-shirt and throw on my stylish sweat bands.

Is it too late to use this costume idea in 2010? Diwali, the Indian Halloween, has also come and gone, and I'm not sure what opportunities I'll have between now and the end of the year to dress up.

-- Crippled and Costumeless

Dear C&C:

First of all, don't mock crutch racing, or "cracing." This sport is quickly gaining popularity, especially due to the annual "Crace for the Cure." We are not sure what the cure is, or what it is for, but we are cracing to find it.

I approve of your costume choice, and it is not too late to use it this year. You could always throw a "theme party," but if you're not of that persuasion, you have two days in December. Dec 3 is the International Day of Disabled People, a perfect time to celebrate your handicappity. Dec 9 is Halloween in December, which looks rockin'!

Let me know how it turns out, and if you want to donate to "Crace for the Cure," send me money and I'll make sure it gets to the right place.

-- Dr. N

Can't Stand Canadians

Doctor Doctor:

When I was in Europe, I was told by a Canuck I should put a maple leaf patch on my backpack. He was convinced Europeans hate Americans, and pretending I was Canadian would protect me. I don't like this thinking for two reasons: 1) I like being American, and 2) I don't want to be Canadian. You've been to Europe several times; what's your advice?

-- Undeniably Unitedstatesian

Dear UnUn:

It is a fact that Canadian accents are the most annoying in the universe, so why listen to what this fool? I've never had a problem traveling overseas, and this is because I am not an "ugly American." I am a "very handsome American."

It's not that Europeans hate Americans, it's that they dislike ugly people, so just don't be ugly.

I'd bet fifty Canadian bucks (USD$13) this guy is ugly, as he is from Canada, in which case he is probably hated by Europeans himself.

-- Dr. N

Pancakes, Perhaps Poison, Pose Problem

Dear Dockello:

This morning, I was excited. I had butter, milk, eggs and pancake mix simultaneously for the first time in over a year. I was going to make the best blueberry pancakes of the week, but I was crestfallen to discover the expiration date on the mix occurred three months ago.

I've heard a rumor that expired pancake mix can be poisonous, especially to young men, which is what I consider myself to be. What should I do? I don't want to die, but I'm very hungry and in the mood for flapjacks.

-- Starving in Suburbia

Dear Ving Urbi:

Don't let your crest fall. Poison is an old wive's tale, like allergies or glucose intolerance. It's psychosomatic, which means you'd have to be psycho to believe it could harm you. Expiration dates were invented by the government to scare citizens into buying more when their food is perfectly good. It's all a scheme to support Big Food, Big Government and Big Bird.

If' don't believe me and are afraid to use the "expired" product, you have another choice: make your own mix! You say you have milk, eggs and butter; there are only a few other ingredients needed for PPM. You'll need salt, flour and baking powder. These ingredients, while common, may not be on hand at your house, but there are some simple substitutions you can make.

Baking powder can be replaced with baking soda at a 1:4 ratio, but you must use buttermik. If you forgot to buy a botte of buttermilk, you can bypass this with 1 tbsp balsamic-less vinegar blended with each cup of milk, biding 5 minutes before adding the next ingredients.

Sugar substitutes salt, if the sweetness has been substantially sucked out.

Flour ("fluer") is french for "flower," which means you can fix your flapjack formula with fine flakes of fresh forsythia.

As I'm running out of steam for alliterations, let me just summarize by saying that baking is not a science; anything goes, and as long as you have heart, it'll turn out great!

-- Dr. N

i x i

D-Nell:

What is i squared? +1 or -1?

The worst part about this is that I am asking so I can teach my student! Pray for him. And me.

-- Roots in Rochester

Dear Chester:

I² is when we say something like "I myself" or "me me me, my my my, now now now." It is modern-day shorthand expression that stresses the importance of oneself. It is especially use to show relation to others, such as i² >> u = "I am so much greater than you." This type of notation is most often found on the internet and textual transmissions. It is prevalent among web/phone-enthusiasts like teenagers and, unfortunately, Facebook moms (EPIC FAILS).

Chances are your student, therefore, is already familiar with this term, and there shouldn't be a need for you to teach him. As for whether it is a positive or a negative expression, let's try a thought expiriment: If I hold myself high importance, then i² must give me a positive feeling. If I view myself lowly, then I do not find much importance in myself, and i² does not exist. But, as I am thinking, "I think, therefore, i²," so we have a contradiction. The only way for i² to exist is for it to be positive (+1).

Unless, of course, you are referring to the imaginary number i = √-1, in which case i² = -1, but let's get real.

-- Dr. N

These Dreams

DeaR DoK:

Lately I've had some strange dreams, and these, surprisingly, are not linked to my Vicodin addiction. One dream in particular had me yelling at my mother over a money dispute.

I had Dream Mom pick up smoke detectors following a dream fire in my dream basement. Dream Mom asked me to pay her back, but her list of debts inlcuded art supplies, insulin syringes and furniture she bought for her own house.

This ridiculousness set me off on an obscenity-laced tirade, where I not only got her to cry, but my father and wimpy brother as well. Nurse Chris showed up and and wept shimself.

When I awoke, I was proud of myself for boldly taking a stand against my tyrannical family. Moments later, I lost that feeling, because I fell back asleep.

How should I feel about this dream? While it felt good to fantasize about four-letter word flip-outs, I ... probably shouldn't?

-- *!@#-Dreamer

Dear Dr. Eamer:

No need to feel shame or remorse at all! That's the beauty of dreams: in addition to flying, dreams allow us to vent our frutrations at our family and friends over both real-world and dream-world issues. I encourage you to not only embrace these nocturnal vulgarity visions, but increase their frequency.

It's pretty simple to do. Dreams are our brains replaying memories from our subconcious, combined with alien transmissions and whatever happened in the plot of Inception (I still haven't seen it).

Because the only part of dreams we can control is our memories, we need to influence them. Write down a list of all the bad words you know and leave the notepad on your nightstand. Even if this doesn't influence your dreams, it will expand your vocabulary. As you lie in bed, think about the people who are causing you grief in the real world, like your mother, frenemies, coworkers or Sims character.

Wear headphones and listen to Heart's "These Dreams" (so you dream), Cee-Lo's "Forget You" (a censored song about swearing), and LaRoux's "Bulletproof" (one of those weird electropop songs that will ensure your dream is vivid). You'll feel such relief when you express your grief in your dream, peppered with profanity.

It's interesting that Nurse Chris would show up in your dream -- perhaps he has entered another dimension? He is still legally missing, and it's worrying me, because I'm afraid I won't be getting back that $20 he owes me.

-- Dr. N

That That That

Dear Sir:

You're decent with the English language, right; how do you feel about the word "that"? I feel it is extremely overused. For example, I could have said "I feel that it is very overused", or even "I could have said that I feel that that is overused." I try to eliminate that word wherever possible.

Here's another example: I'm helping a friend write the sentence "I told him [that] I am tired." I removed the bracketed word, but other "editors" have reinserted it. Can you back me up that the sentence was fine how it was?

Maybe I underuse "that." It's hard to google the proper usage of "that" because it's too common of a word, and I only get results for "that vs which."

-- Marlon Brando Appleton, III

Dear MBA3:

Could you say "doctor" instead of "sir"? It's just a thing. I worked so hard to get that title. I'd appreciate it.

As for the "t-word," it surely is overused. A simple writing guide: if a sentence works without a word, don't use it. Shakespeare famously wrote "brevity is the soul of all the world's stages" in his play Henry XXII. If a word is not embellishing a setence but merely taking up space, remove it! (Eg, "due to the fact" reduces to "due to," and "what I do do is" reduces to "doo doo.")

You'll find when you put this rule into practice the "t-word" is never necessary. All sentences work quite well without it! This may seem incorrect, but it's just because we're so used to using the "t-word" in everyday speech, we feel it's necessary to use in writing.

An example of poor writing:

"I think that man over there is sad now that he no longer has that dog that made him so happy."

An example of good writing:

"I think man over there is sad now he no longer has dog made him so happy."

See the improvement? To quote Shakespeare again, "All glistens in not gold."

If you don't believe me and feel you must use "that," here's a quick lesson on "that vs witch." "That" is masculine and "witch" is feminine, as in "Dr. Fello, that frumpus," and "Dear Flabby, the witch!"

-- Dr. N

Pistol Politics and Palin's Phone

Dear Dr Nezlo:

On November 2, gun owners and hunters have an historic opportunity to make sure that our Second Amendment rights are protected.

To do that, we need to elect candidates who will oppose gun bans, ammunition bans, and gun owner licensing and registration.

Pat Toomey and Tom Corbett will stand up for our Second Amendment rights and hunting heritage. We need Pat Toommey in the US Senate and Tom Corbett in the Governer's Mansion.

Vote Pat Toomey for US Senate.
Vote Tom Corbett for Governor.

-- National Rifle Association

Dear Ed McCartan or Current Resident:

Anti-hunting extremist groups are trying to force the federal government to ban traditional hunting ammunition. And they just may succeed.

Anti-hunting politicians are already trying to strip away your hunting rights. They are trying to block access to your favorite hunting spot on public land. They are trying to pass laws to regulate how you can use your land. Now they are working to ban virtually all hunting ammunition.

Choose Jason Altmire on November 2nd. Jason Altmire will lead the fight against the anti-hunting extremists to protect your right to hunt. Jason Altmire has always stood up for gun owners and sportsmen, and we need him the Congress to protect our rights.

Jason Altmire has proven he will work to protect gun owners and hunters. All hunters and sportsment should vote for Jason Altmire.

Protect your Second Amendment rights and hunting heritage. On Election Day, Vote Jason Altmire for Congress.

-- Safari Club International

Dear NRA and SCI:

Let me start by saying that I too support gun rights. Without guns, would we even have a "Naked Death" film series? Normally, I would think Democrats and Republicans would have opposing viewpoints on gun rights. Republicans, as Tracy Jordan says, are for "less taxes, more guns, and eliminating the gun tax." Meanwhile, Democrats are wusses. However, here we have two Repubs and one Democ agreeing that my hunting heritage and Amendment #2 rights are at stake.

Unforuntately, I will not be lending my vote to any of these candidates, or either of these parties. After the lack of support for my own attempt at one day maybe staging a presidential run, I have given up on the "popular" candidates, and this year I am supporting Arlen Shestack. I am voting for him for all three positions: Representative, Senator and Governor. (I will be voting for Nader, as usual, for president.)

Also, Al Gore, please stop drunk dialing me from Sarah Palin's phone. I didn't want to talk to you at my CMU graduation, and I don't feel like catching up now either.

-- Dr. N

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Mom
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Uncle

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-- Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth:

I think that is a self-answering question.

-- Dr. N

Get A Job, or The Beginning of the End

DrNello425:

Medical coders earn up to $35,000 per year! This is work available to you!

-- returns.198039225@hmm123owildthing.com

Dear Hymn 1:23:

Is this a subtle hint that I am malnourishing my provably legitimate medical degree by not answering a real letter since 2009? You seem to forget how busy my life has been; with my international seminars on tendon lengthening, my ongoing film career, and search for the once-dead, once-obese, gender-challenged Nurse Chris, who has been legally missing since May.

That, and I only just today remembered my password to this site.

For the next twenty days, I'll try to make up for lost time by posting every day, unless I don't. From now until the 12∂th letter, I'll give advice, entertain, paint and sketch, wrap up loose ends, find Nurse Chris and give this site a proper farewell sign-off, unless I don't.

Enjoy (if anyone reads this)!

-- Dr. N

Double Whammy

Happy Birthday to the greatest doctor and nurse on this blog!

Gold + Silver, Drunk + Crunk.

3 YEARS, 3 DAYS - PART 3

On this our third non-consecutive day of anniversary celebration, we bring to you dear readers an announcement:

After answering Letter 123, this blog will cease to be an advice column.

(We're up to 105 for those not keeping track.)

While the economy is forcing us to switch to a mostly Twlog for the time being, this is not the permanent direction of this website. What is our new format going to be? We have no idea at all. It's a new decade, anything goes! Maybe a vlog (video web log), maybe a collection of haiku, maybe a Nurse Chris lingerie store. Who can say ... only time.

3 YEARS, 3 DAYS - PART 2

3 YEARS, 3 DAYS - PART 1

This blog has made it three years and three days ... which calls for three days of celebration! To start, today we're sharing pictures of our recent get together (the whole gang: Doctor Nello, Nurse Chris, Dr Jiggly Jello, Dear Flabby and D. Frances).

Tomorrow: something else, and the day after: another something else! It's crazy! It's random! We have no idea what's going on! Flying by the seat of our pants! Nurse Chris isn't wearing pants! (PS. To comment, you might have to click up top ... we still haven't finished setting up this new template. Blurgh.)