The Mustache Connection

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've recently become worried. My father has, since before I was born, had a mustache. Now I've always been aware that the "stache" was a style of a different era, but I've made a frightening discovery. It appears that almost all evil dictators of the last 100 years have had mustaches, Hitler, Stalin, Saddam, Geraldo, Bill Clinton, and Oprah. I'm worried that my dad is also an evil dictator. What other signs should I look for, and if he is in fact evil, what should I do about it?

-- Frightened and Alarmed

Dear FAA:

Not all mustaches are a sign of evil, but as you are now aware it is the first indication of one bent on world domination. To be sure you should measure the girth vs the length of the mustache. If you get a value between 7 and blue, then this is a sure sign that your father is the next Castro. Another tell-tale sign is if you've ever noticed your father's mustache glow in the dark; only tyrants possess this ability (look closely at Mary Worth's upper lip to see what I mean).

If you're convinced that your father is a potential despot, I strongly recommend making his Favorite Child List. This way when he takes over the world you could earn a high position of authority, like Governor of France or the Prime Minister of Wal-Mart. Perhaps you'll even have a statue of yourself erected (though this will quite likely be toppled when Geraldo makes his move).

If you feel unconformtable aiding a dictator, there is another option, though it is a risky one. You could stage a coup against him in an effort to either prevent him from carrying out his plans on enable yourself to take over the world. Shaving off his mustache while he sleeps will drain him of his evil super powers (and meanwhile try to grow one of your own). However, should anything go wrong, don't be surprised if you end up grounded for a week.

-- Dr. N