Thorax Side Airbag

Dear Dr Nello:

My son is flying to Europe and I just know that he wants me to go with him. He's never directly asked me and has even stated most emphatically that he doesn't want me to come, but with my motherly intuition I know he really wants me to come. Getting my passport expedited will be the easy part. It's the airport security that's my problem.

For a 62 year old former beauty, I can still still hold my own in a crowd of elderly men. Nonetheless, as most Americans I've never been photographed naked and would prefer not to go that route now. I've never even been naked in a hospital. They supply you with gowns which provide modesty of a sort. Alone in the shower is as far as I take my nudity. I know when the Jews entered the concentration camps they were paraded naked before the Nazis who were going to execute them. Just because the TSA isn't necessarily going to kill us, is it OK to be naked scanned and maybe have the image saved? If so I will refuse to autograph my picture.

Do you suggest submitting to the groping pat down? I'm very ticklish and this could get weird. My sister recently flew from Canada, being fair skinned and blue eyed she looked suspicious and was groped with her blouse being raised and her stomach exposed. My stomach would be the envy of a starving person; however, I'm afraid that all this body touching is unsanitary and I would be at risk of bring home bedbugs or something else awful.

I'm concerned for my boy also. What if the same-sex patter-downer likes men too much? What if they use a woman who would get too friendly? He shouldn't have to travel leaving his modesty in the airport lobby.

What's a mother to do? Please respond promptly, we will be leaving right after Thanksgiving.

-- Doting

Dear Dottie:

First, let's get this straight: although I have never had a mother, I know when a son says he doesn't want to travel with his mom, he means it. Trust me, it is not a good idea to push him to the breaking point with threatening travel plans. Do, however, buy his minor admiration with Christmas presents.

I will now channel the weakened mentality of my missing compadre, Nurse Chris. The following thoughts are not my own, they are of Chabizzle shimself:

"Embrace your nudity! The TSA wants to see you nude? You should be flattered. Most people would have to pay others to look at them naked, and you get a freebie!

If you still mistakenly feel ashamed of your body, do a dance. Dancing releases endolphins into the atmosphere, which make you and anyone else who osmisifies them happy. Plus, moving quickly by shaking like a Quaker will blur the recorded image on the body scanner. A word of warning: I have heard a rumor that, on occasion, the TSA and the TVGuide sometimes cross wires, and your x-ray might end up being the in-flight movie.

In addition, I suggest counseling."

Nurse Chris is weird. Instead of following his advice, opt for the enhanced pat downs. A common misconception is thinking you are to stand still and follow the security agent's orders. Really, it's a game with witheld rules: Patty-Cake-Down. When the agent reaches out his hands for your nethernation, slap his hands back and start chanting "Miss Mary Mack." It's actually quite fun, and I don't know why there are so many complaint news stories out now.

If your son is old enough to travel for business, he can handle himself and his modesty. If a man is hitting on him, he should take advantage and get free stuff like wine bottles or magazine subscriptions, as long as it doesn't lead to a gwedding. If a woman is crushing on him, just set out an extra plate for Thanksgiving.

-- Dr. N