hidDen message, seaRch beNeath

Dear Dr Nello:

A couple of months ago I started a blog, that was very popular but unfortunately I was only able to maintain it for a short period of time before I lost interest/motivation. I would like to start updating my blog again, because I think people really care about what I think, and most people probably have to waste their time now reading blogs by people who consider showering a hobby. I was wondering if you have any tips to get me going.

-- All Blogged Up

Dear ABU:

It's a good thing you're contacting me about this; I do have experience with making superb weblogs. The first question to ask, though, is if you really have the content to make a good site. Writing about your thoughts is a start, but consider thinking outside the box.

You can promise your readers a special event once a week (such as "Top 10 List" Friday, "Picture of My Children" Saturday, "Ghetto Muzik" Tuesday, or "I'll Actually Put Up a Post" Someday). Not only will this spark interest, but it will give you something creative and simple to do once a week.

Since you're starting back up and old blog, you probably have some posts already published. If you run out of new ideas to post, don't be afraid to go on a secret sabbatical ... just repost some oldies, or refer back to previous ones. You'll be surprised how many readers you can trick into thinking you've posted something new.

Or you can change the purpose of the entire blog. You could try a political approach, attacking governmental leaders without providing any real solutions. This way you capture the emotions of your audience without the responsibility of fixing the problems you point out. A blog about how much you hate the blog-o-sphere is an interesting concept; the irony of antiblogging will make your readers forget that you have no content.

Of course, the ramblings of your thoughts might be just enough to entertain your visitors, but don't lose steam by feeling the need to post every day. Twice a week is generally sufficient, and if you only post, say, five times in a month, that's just fine.

Also, remember to check out my previous post on blog advice.

-- Dr. N

Nerds and Neighbors

Here's a letter answered by our guest columnist and fellow blogger, Justinespired.

Dear Dr. Nello:

My neighbor "Wilma" is concerning me with her behavior. Recently when she was describing someone's actions to me, she said they were being, "unconsciously deliberate." Now to me that just seems to be contradictory but I thought it was best to bring it up with you. Then today Wilma said that people were believing "environmental wakoism" and I can't find "wakoism" in any dictionary, even the enormous unabridged version she recently bought for me didn't have it. So doctor, should I be concerned about this? Or is this just an uncontrollable behavior?

-- Confused

Dear Confused:

First of all, my apologies for not replying to your question sooner. I am the mother of many children and therefore have little time to dedicate to pursuing my own hobbies: writing and showering. Secondly, I’m wondering where YOU find the time to worry so much about other people’s problems. You don’t mention having any children. Do you? If so, you must not have enough. Find a way to legally acquire as many as possible. If you are single, I advise you seek out a large family and sell yourself to them as an indentured servant. Lastly, I suggest you stop taking books from your neighbor. Anyone who gives you unsolicited unabridged dictionaries likely suffers from a shopping addiction and you are just being an enabler.

-- Justinespired

Senor Rita (It's a Mr. Ri)

Dear Doc:

My sister is starting to worry me. She has absolutely no self esteem. "Bertha" calls herself man-woman, and recently asked my mother, "If children are like pancakes, why'd you make me so thick?" And one time I was looking in a mirror at a restaurant, and said "Who is that good looking guy?", referring to myself obviously, and my sister replied, "Me? Oh wait, you said good looking." Should I be concerned about this? Or should I be happy that she won't get her hopes up too high.

-- Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Connect-the-Dots:

I can't believe you're just now starting to worry. In cases like these the "Mister Sister" exhibits strange behavior for quite some time before the self-identity issues. Does your sister ever use halitosis as a weapon, speak Japanese or bathe in mayonnaise? All these are an indication of liquoreecha, an unfortunately common and severe affliction. Luckily there is a cure. In fact there are two cures! The first cure is a witch's brew made of nightshade, saffron and cat's blood mixed in a large black cauldron; drinking this in a graveyard during a full moon has been known to heal on at least three occasions. The second, which is slightly more practical, is to send your sister away to finishing school, however this may end up costing more than the first option.

-- Dr. N

Jiggly Jello Justifies

Dr. Jello:

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my roommates I want to kill them. I know murder is usually looked down upon, but they're really inconsiderate, irresponsible and idiotic. Also, I heard that a student whose roommate dies gets an automatic A. Considering these factors, what do you recommend?

-- Fed Up Grad Student

Dear Fed Up:

If you're hesitating about killing them to get an A, that's a problem right there. Roommates can be annoying sometimes, and a loving doctor would tell you to forgive them and try to work out a long lasting relationship. Unfortunately, I am not one of those doctors. If you really think killing them is wrong, you could always pay some one to do that for you. And if you really don't feel like spending the money, try selling them to the gypsies. Tell everyone that they died in some stupid, unbelievable, you-have-to-be-there-to-believe-it accident (you'd be surprised what people will believe) to avoid suspicion over their disappearance. They may be in misery, but you avoid getting blood on your hands. Plus, selling them means you now have money to use on killing future roommates.

-- Dr. Jello

The Other Other Doctor's Dog Deal

Exactly one week ago I gave Dr. Fello a seven-day expiration date. Here is the letter that just barely made it in time (he does apologize for the delay). Should we keep him? Your comments will determine his fate.

Doctor Fello:

Your name is so much cooler than Doctor Nello! Anyway, if my dog swallowed a leaking battery that I found in the mud at a toxic waste factory, and he's been throwing up, turned green, and can now talk, should I take him to an animal hospital, or just wait and let it pass? My friend said I should have done it a month ago when it happened, but I just wanted to ask a professional vet first.

-- Weird Dog's Owner

Dear Weird Owner:

Thank you for your compliment, and yes, my name is definitely much cooler than Dr. Nello. Of course, no offense to him.

As to your dog, if he has not yet died, film him while he is still talking and get it running on YouTube. If you get enough interest going, try seeing if a talk show might be interested in putting your dog on as a guest (actually you might want to contact "The View" to see if they have found a replacement for Rosie yet). If he has died (or has stopped talking), I would recommend selling him (or his body) to science. Then take the money and buy another dog (I would recommend a cat), or an iPod is always fun. I hope this advice helps you.

-- Dr. Fello

Dr. Fello To Get Boot, Dr. Jello Next In Line

Dr. Nello:

Why hasn't Dr. Fello posted anything yet? I think you should fire him.

-- Dr. Nellophant

Dear Dr. Nellophant:

I'm not quite sure what happened to Dr. Fello, but I can tell you this, he isn't turning out to be a very good assistant. I'll give him another week, and if he still hasn't come up with anything, he's going the way of Nurse Chris.

In the meantime, I have quite a long list of applicants waiting to fill this auspicious position. So say hello to:


Dr. Rita Shaqquitlique Jello!

Let's hope she does better than the last one.

-- Dr. N