WAOSCI

Doctor Nello:

Can you please tell me if your office provides non-invasive type treatments for wrinkles, anti-aging, and other skin care issues?


Thanks in advance.


-- Eric Kusher, CT

Dear Eric:


We pride ourselves in having the #2 least invasive WAOSCI treatment center in the country, behind only James Hopkins (younger brother of John, curse him!). Only seven patients have "not come out of surgery alive" the entire time we've been in business, giving us a non-death success rate that rounds up to 90% (when rounding up to the nearest 90%).


Let me give you some examples of how we take care of WAOSCI.


Wrinkles: we use state-of-the-art irons to smooth out unsightly wrinkles. Our secret technique? Using round irons instead of flat irons you'd find at most dermatology practices (dermatologists, like chiropractors, being fake "doctors").


Anti-aging: using a blend of all natural, organic ingredients in our trademarked recipe, we've developed a special concoction that, when ingested, is guaranteed to take years off your life!


Other Skin Care Issues: this is where we really put the "ninvasi" in "non-invasive!" Take, for example, a patient with small melanoma on the tip of his nose. Most surgeons would invade the nasus from the outside, leaving a pockmark, a hurt nose-tip, and quite possibly severe damage to the patient's psyche after such a terrifying procedure! At our practice, however, we specialize in internal medicine -- that is, we approach the nose from the inside. Making a minor incision through the back, about 10" wide, we insert a series of tubes and coils on a path through the entire circulatory and lymphatic systems. Using an inversion table, electrodes and holistic hallucinogens, there are several more steps, but I don't want to give away all our surprises! Just know that in the end, that mole is gone and the patient is statistically likely to be fully alive.


If a patient desires, we offer free tattooing to disguise scarred tissue due to the surgery. For example, we can add extra curves to the patient's back, turning the scar into a second butt. And who doesn't want a second butt?


I hope, by answering your questions, you strongly consider our practice for your WAOSCI needs!


-- Dr. N