Dangerous Dreams

Dr. Nello:

I think I have a problem, but I'm not sure. My life is probably in danger. My son likes to share his dreams with us and the other day he rambled on nonchalantly about his dream of me. It began with his arguing with me and went on to where he actually killed me. As my children must explain their dreams to me in twenty-five words or less, I'm not sure how the dream ended. Of course, I now sleep with my door locked, a knife under my pillow and one eye opened.

If I live or die is not such a problem, and being killed in my sleep could be more pleasant than the terrible car crash my husband will no doubt have someday when I am neglectful with my back seat driving. My problem why is Nurse Chris confused about his gender? Are his older brothers to blame? Does it have to do with too much time on the computer, or the many times he was thrown head first from his bike as a child? Does he need counseling or just a new wardrobe? What is the medical term for the opposite of an Oedipal complex? Does this have anything to do with global warming?

-- From the Mother You All Wish You Had

Dear So-And-So:

Interesting that you think your son's murderous nocturnal sensations are trumped by Nurse Chris's gender, Freudian theories, and global warming. I will address each of these issues in reverse order.

1. I only wish Nurse Chris had something to do with global warming. I am sick and tired of the cold weather: one ski trip this winter was enough for me. Now I don't want to see below 60 temperatures until December. Unfortunately, whether Nurse Chris is male or female does not affect the climate. However, I have heard that smoking increases the greenhouse affect. I am considering taking up this habit (for the sake of global thermal comfort, of course).

2. Oedipal complex is when "children regard their father as an adversary and competitor for the exclusive love of their mother." Therefore the opposite is "children working with their father to destroy their mother." We'll address this in point 6.

3. I never want to read "Nurse Chris" and "counseling" in the same sentence again.

4. Nurse Chris claims that he was never thrown from his bike. Rather, that time at the park he explains as an experiment to see if hitting a metal trash receptacle at a high velocity would enable flying. The test was successful, as both Nurse Chris and the garbage can achieved substantial altitude. Also, Nurse Chris says he never uses a computer, except to study, e-mail, instant message, research Camaros and blog, which are all necessary.

5. It is very likely that Nurse Chris's older brothers have had an effect on his confusion. According to Wikipedia, with each additional son, the chances of a certain lifestyle increase by 30%. Nurse Chris therefore has a 120% of being this way. As you can see, it is only understandable that he is not sure of what exactly his identity is.

6. I suspect that your son has an anti-Oedipal complex, as I described in point 2. If this is the case, then you may want to start sleeping with two eyes open as your husband is probably plotting to kill you as well. In fact, sleep with three eyes open because your other children could be involved. In the meantime, try to figure out why your family wants to kill you. Perhaps you can allow your son to explain his dream in 25 more words; he might reveal his motives to you, and you can start putting your knives in the kitchen instead of the bedroom. Bring your family to counseling with you to sort out your problems; Nurse Chris would be more than happy to suggest an appropriate physician.

And while you're at it, start smoking so we can have an early summer.

-- Dr. N