"Pretty" Clothes and Ugly People, Pt. 1

Dr. Nello (AND NURSE CHRIS):

Is there a connection between being physically unattractive and being mentally ill? I ask because there seems to be a high percentage of individuals with repulsive bodies who like to wear shirts and pants with slogans claiming to be some sort of hot commodity. Generally the slogan itself is strategically placed so as to draw your attention to a "problem area" of theirs. Even when it is not placed poorly though, the nature of the words just begs you to critique their beauty (or rather, lack thereof). Most of these people have ugly faces, too. I can only conclude that they have some mental deficiency. Why else would they do this?

-- Concerned After Standing in Line Behind a Man Who Had a List of "Firefighter Pickup Lines" on His Shirt but a Face that Made Me Throw Up a Little in My Mouth.

Dear CASILBAMWHALOFPLOHSBAFTMMTUALIMM:

The study of logovestusbellus delusion, or the confusion of "clothes with words make me pretty," is rather recent territory to be mined. However, with the rise of A&F, it is spreading at an alarming rate. My favorite example of LD was a girl with the word "Juicy" written across her derrière. I believe she was trying to degrade herself a la Sir Mix-a-Lot, but to Nurse Chris and I it just reminded us of liquid flatulences. Similarly, my sister spotted a female "Money Maker" whose income probably fell flat of what she expected.

But as you pointed out, males are not immune to this plight. Sometimes it's just innocuous yet stupid, like pointing out a "Gun Show" when the wearer has peashooters rather than bazookas, or proclaim the dirty deeds committed by the individual (like "I Fell in the Mud" when it's obvious he didn't).

Is there a mental deficiency connection? You would think an intelligent person would realize that wearing clothes with words don't make you beautiful, clothes that are expensive make you beautiful. But it's possible that the wearer doesn't actually believe that he/she possesses the qualities shis clothes proclaim, but wish to attract stupid people who read the word "Hottie" and assume that the shirt must be telling the truth even if shis eyes deceive shim.

While these nonmatching slogans and bodies make you vomit, just remember: wouldn't it be worse if they weren't wearing any clothes at all?

-- Dr. N

PS. Nurse Chris will add shis comments shortly (for those not familiar with the Beijing+5 type thinking, "shis" is the indeterminant gender possessive adjective; likewise "shim" corresponds to "her/him").