Ffuts Yadhtrib Erom

Dear Doctor:

I am turning 18 next Friday and I am worried sick about it for several reasons. Reason one is that for my 16th and 17th birthdays my parents neglected to buy me a car and they have already let me know that I shouldn't expect one. Now some people may think that they are just telling me that so they can surprise me, but my parents have never been the kind of people for pleasant surprises. Should I just leave my parents and go live on my own? I understand you may not be able to answer this part of my letter because you yourself never had a mother.

Secondly, I am supposed to go away to college in the fall and, to put it frankly, I am not very smart. I have been able get by at the community college this year by buying papers, answers to tests and other such aids, but I cannot afford to continue this.

My third problem is that I can't get a girlfriend and probably never will be able to. I have no idea why though, as I am devilishly handsome and have a great personality. At first I thought my bed wetting and non-showering habits were the problem, but that would just be ridiculous. I thought maybe getting in shape would help me out, and I have tried the body spray by BOD called "Really Ripped Abs," but after 6 months I don't even have a six-pack! Is there anything I can do? And please, don't recommend religious life, they have already told me they would never accept me.

-- Running Out of Time

Dear Running:

At first I was afraid that I didn't answer this letter in time, but then I saw you said you turn 18 on Friday. This is ironic; did you realize that your birthday is the day after Nurse Chris's? When Friday comes, though, have a birthday! (A friend recently informed me that you should never say "have a happy birthday" because then you are forcing the person to have a happy one, and telling someone how to have their day is just rude.)

Your parents are completely unfair, but they are probably also old and therefore "not all there," which is a polite way of saying "crazy." However, this also means they are easily overwhelmed. Try reverse psychology on them. It works like this: record yourself saying "buy me a car" on a tape and softly play it backwards on a loop while they're sleeping. Walk backwards when you are around them, even wear your clothes backwards. Eventually your parents will look into a mirror, and everything that was backwards will suddenly become clear. The subliminal messages you played for them will be associated with your strange behavior, and they'll buy you a vehicle. (This really works, "em tsurt!" Oot, rac a em yub dna.)

You said you get by in college by paying your way, but are running out of money: if you've already eschewed ethics, why not turn to stealing? This way you'll never run out of money, and if you plan on transferring to a university, this will help with the rising tuition costs.

For the girlfriend deal, you have two options. First, try switching to TAG or AXE: their commercials promise quick results. Or, you could rethink what shape it is you're trying to get in. Have you considered a rhombus, a hexagon or even a dodecahedron? Some women prefer men with such original, creative shapes.

Hope I got 1 outta 3 right.

-- Dr. N