Moochers

Dr. Nello:

I live with some friends in an apartment, and usually things go fine. Lately, though, there's been an issue with food. We all pretty much buy our own food and label it (I always write funny things, like "I am cooler than all of you, and this bacon is mine"). I thought this only applied to food we bought and that leftovers didn't need such nomenclature. Well, I guess I was wrong. A friend baked me a pie, and I had a few slices. I went to eat it for breakfast the next morning and it was gone! All day today I was thinking about how wonderful my hamburger + macaroni and cheese was going to taste for dinner, seeing as I missed lunch; I checked the fridge and that too had been eaten! Now I would just label this stuff but it's usually in non-label-able containers. What do you suggest?

-- Empty Stomach

Dear Empty Stomach:

You would think everyone would know the unwritten rule of "Thou shalt not eat thy roommates food" and its corollary, "If thou must eat thy roommates food, make sure what you take is unnoticeable and NEVER take the last of something." As you have now come to understand, though, there are plenty of ignorant housemates out there. You've made a step in the right direction with labeling the food you can, but for the food you cannot, I recommend poison.

Not necessarily fatal poison but just something that will make the consumer nauseous. You'll have to sacrifice some of your leftovers but this will be well worth it. He who taketh your food now will surely learn his lesson. Another (less painful and also less fun) option is to purchase some green food coloring and make it appear that your food is moldy (or look like vegetables, both ways are good deterrents). Eventually your roommates will catch on, though, and it's also possible they'll throw your "moldy" food away.

Of course, you could just sit down with your roommates and discuss your feelings on this issue, but I think that's a stupid idea.

-- Dr. N