4th Anniversary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
Dear Dr Nello:
Happy fourth anniversary! My letter is also about an anniversary: my parents' fortieth. My mom and dad raised ten of us kids, and they'd like us to all get together in June to celebrate with them. We're having trouble figuring out what to do and where to go: getting a beach house in North Carolina, a farm retreat in New York, protesting the president in Virginia or gang-fighting in Ohio.
There have been a few squabbles on Facebook over this, and I fear, come June, it will be a disaster. Can you help us so that we can pull this off and still speak to each other afterwards?
-- Numero Sette
Dear #7:
Thank you for your well wishes on our anniversary, but I regret to inform you that your get-together will in fact be a disaster. I do not know your family, so I will make up names for each sibling, and here is what I envision happening:
"Juniper" will come with seven children but leave with six, only four of which are her own, and all will be spanked soundly.
"Janessa" will bring her own Porta-Potty and introduce "peanut-butternut-squash fudge," which will quickly end up in said Porta-Potty.
"Thor" will not smile in any picture and make fun of other's dress while wearing Crocs and confessing to not owning a single pair of jeans.
An uninvited homeless man will be turned away, but it is revealed this is actually "Lareasha" who has not showered or shaved in a week.
"Dwayne" will tell everyone about the amazing product he sells at work, the "Comfort Wipe," and publicly demonstrate its use.
"Anemone," in charge of getting the caterer, will only get seven salami slices for the entire family to share, but secretly eat them herself.
"Miroslav" will pay to opt out and go to Europe, but no one will notice he is missing. However, he will still be in charge of photoshopping the family picture.
"Voldemort" will tell dirty stand-up jokes. He will then reveal that he is in fact homeless and has been living in Juniper's van for three weeks.
"Chayse" will bring his "friend" Maurice. Every time Chayse holds a baby niece or nephew, a peculiar smell will be noticed, and yet the child's diaper is always dry.
"Riannon" will be mistaken for grandchild. At her piano recital/art show, her siblings will cover their eyes and ears and throw-up in the Porta-Potty.
Your mom will tell longs stories about the cat, not realizing one of your siblings ran it over that morning, and your dad will fall asleep in the corner, finally getting his peace and tranquility.
Initially planning to renew their wedding vows, your parents' marriage will stunningly be put "on hold" until the government allows "equality for all."
Enjoy!
-- Dr. N
Happy fourth anniversary! My letter is also about an anniversary: my parents' fortieth. My mom and dad raised ten of us kids, and they'd like us to all get together in June to celebrate with them. We're having trouble figuring out what to do and where to go: getting a beach house in North Carolina, a farm retreat in New York, protesting the president in Virginia or gang-fighting in Ohio.
There have been a few squabbles on Facebook over this, and I fear, come June, it will be a disaster. Can you help us so that we can pull this off and still speak to each other afterwards?
-- Numero Sette
Dear #7:
Thank you for your well wishes on our anniversary, but I regret to inform you that your get-together will in fact be a disaster. I do not know your family, so I will make up names for each sibling, and here is what I envision happening:
"Juniper" will come with seven children but leave with six, only four of which are her own, and all will be spanked soundly.
"Janessa" will bring her own Porta-Potty and introduce "peanut-butternut-squash fudge," which will quickly end up in said Porta-Potty.
"Thor" will not smile in any picture and make fun of other's dress while wearing Crocs and confessing to not owning a single pair of jeans.
An uninvited homeless man will be turned away, but it is revealed this is actually "Lareasha" who has not showered or shaved in a week.
"Dwayne" will tell everyone about the amazing product he sells at work, the "Comfort Wipe," and publicly demonstrate its use.
"Anemone," in charge of getting the caterer, will only get seven salami slices for the entire family to share, but secretly eat them herself.
"Miroslav" will pay to opt out and go to Europe, but no one will notice he is missing. However, he will still be in charge of photoshopping the family picture.
"Voldemort" will tell dirty stand-up jokes. He will then reveal that he is in fact homeless and has been living in Juniper's van for three weeks.
"Chayse" will bring his "friend" Maurice. Every time Chayse holds a baby niece or nephew, a peculiar smell will be noticed, and yet the child's diaper is always dry.
"Riannon" will be mistaken for grandchild. At her piano recital/art show, her siblings will cover their eyes and ears and throw-up in the Porta-Potty.
Your mom will tell longs stories about the cat, not realizing one of your siblings ran it over that morning, and your dad will fall asleep in the corner, finally getting his peace and tranquility.
Initially planning to renew their wedding vows, your parents' marriage will stunningly be put "on hold" until the government allows "equality for all."
Enjoy!
-- Dr. N
3 comments:
I liked the part about the cat getting run over.
We would notice if you were missing? Who would be the butt of the tall jokes if you weren't around?
very funny Mike!
This is not funny Dr. Quackernello!
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