Drummy Tummy

Nurse Chris:

My father is a somewhat musical fellow, often whistling, humming and clapping. He also likes to play his stomach like a drum, which bothers me. Like mayonnaise, I don't think abdomens should be used as instruments. What are your thoughts?

-- Son of a Stomach Slapper

Dear Child of a Gut Drum:

In many ancient cultures stomach slapping is a sign of seniority and let's others know "Hey, I'm the boss around here, I pay the bills, so stay back and let me watch my shows." I think it's quite possible that your father has adapted this technique as a way of gaining respect from others. Unfortunately it may have the opposite effect on people. To deal with it, whenever he starts drumming away, start clapping to the beat. If there are enough of you, you could start a band. If that doesn't work, I suggest counseling to help you deal with the noise.

-- N Chabizzle

Where Mathematics Meets Biology

Nurse Chris (RIP):

How is it that my parents are so dumb, and yet I am so smart?

-- Jean Yuss

Dear Jean:

This question has an obvious answer. Say your parents each had 3/4 of a brain (I'm not saying your parents do, it's just an example). Now what is 3/4 + 3/4? It is 6/4, or 3/2. 3/2 is more then one, which is why you are so brilliant. Of course some of your siblings may not be quite so smart and this is explained by the fact that 3/4 - 3/4 = 0/4 or just 0. I hope this has enlightened you. If it didn't, try talking to a counselor, maybe he can help you.

-- N to the C

Hnames

Deceased Dimwit (aka Nurse Chris):

My younger brother has recently been tickling a woman's fancy, but I fear he is too sensitive about her name, "Holly." At first I truly couldn't remember her name, and would guess similar names like "Hailey," "Heather" and "Havannah Smiles," but each time he'd take umbrage ("ella, ella, A, A, A, A, A"). I find this amusing so I continue to say the wrong name, including my personal favorite, "Headheadheadheadhead." Who's going overboard here, me or him?

-- Not Dead & Not Dating Head

Dear ND&NDH:

First off, are you sure he is tickling a woman's fancy? Is it possible he is actually tickling his own fanny? If it is the fancy that he tickling then I would say maybe you should tone it down a little. Such as if you meet her for the first time at a pro-life march, don't purposely say her name wrong every time as that could just make things weird. And the head name is probably a poor reading job by a young girl who I'm assuming is related to you, and therefore it would only be funny occasionally and if the people present already understood the joke. I suggest you seek counseling to remember her name.

-- nC

It's Pronounced "Pro-PAY"

Hickory Dickory Doc:

I have an addiction to a non-addictive substance. I drink gallons of bottled water daily. This is not only expensive, but the mess from the empty bottles drives my family crazy. Even our beloved environmentalists are weighing in against bottled water these days. When the bottled water craze began, I resisted paying for something I could get free from a faucet in my home. I even have one of those oversized refrigerators with a chilled water dispenser in the door, yet I go on carting these heavy, expensive containers home from the store. Can you explain this? It's not helping me control my appetite, and the benefit factor is not obvious even to me. Is this actually a problem as family members claim, and if so is there help? Perhaps you could suggest clever gifts I can make with the piles of empty bottles?

-- One Who is Self-Propelled

Dear Self-Propelled:

If you are diabetic, Propel seems like a decent choice for consumption as it serves "as an alternative ... for people trying to avoid excess sugar and carbohydrates while still satisfying the body's need for electrolytes to combat dehydration." Of course, you could probably obtain electrolytes from several other cheaper sources, but at least you can claim some health benefit. However, there is no need to waste your money on the bottled Propels as there is now powdered Propel.

As you are addicted to this drink, though, I can tell you're going to keep purchasing the bottles in bulk, so let's think of creative things to do with the empty containers.

1. Punch holes in the tops and bottoms of the bottles. Run 6-foot strings through the bottles so there are about seven or eight bottles on a string. These can be hung from a ceiling or curtain rod, similar to beaded curtains. They can also be used as whips.

2. Strip off the labels, turn upside down and stack to create whimsical decorative statues.

3. Cut the bottles in half down the middle vertically and use the halves as ... something.

-- Dr. N

Fermented Food Fears

Dr. Nello:

I need advice. I have an adult son, he's at least over 21 and lives on his own. Quite regularly he calls around dinner time and asks, "Can I eat this rotten food?" It may be moldy cheese, spoiled tomatoes, stale cookie dough (as if that can ever go bad; sugar is a preservative isn't it?) or even a box of spaghetti he left on the floor of his car for six months. While it's good he keeps in touch and wants my opinion (at least on rotten food), is this normal: the desire to eat spoiled food? We didn't feed him rotten tomatoes when he was growing up, so I'm not sure from where this comes.

-- A True Epicurian

Dear Epinephrine:

Your son's behavior is perfectly normal for a young man with multiple taste buds. He probably just wants to try new foods and experience new taste sensations, and you should encourage his efforts. Be pleased that you don't have a picky son who requires you to make special meals.

However, we do know that mold, like Prozac, can lead to fever, nausea, diarrhea, dry mouth, vomiting, headache, nervousness, insomnia, drowsiness, anxiety, tremor, dizziness, fatigue, excessive sweating, hair loss and death. Therefore you should steer him towards trying new foods that won't ill/kill him. If he's earlytwentysomething and living on his own, I doubt he'll want to cook too much, and he probably doesn't have the money to dine out, I recommend befriending a French rat.

One question I can't answer about moldy foods (so I'm glad you didn't ask it) is if bleu cheese is mold, how do you know when it's gone bad? Isn't it by definition already bad?

-- Dr. N

¿Spamalicious?

Eighteen:

Show your woman show girl yourself care and are willing to help you. That can be revoked if a reference check is not favorable.

-- Constance Milton

Dear Constance:

It tells here how the stars see them fleeing. What have I done to you that you should turn from me like this? "Davie, take me away from him," she cried.

"There's something wrong here," Bazin, who was an ill-looking big man, told us.

It was surely a strange neighbourhood and house for a young lady to be. Some childish freak that was manifestly tender; that she alone some other place, and reading myself whenever I was tempted to "It will be all one to me," she cried. "I prefer to be disgraced."

"That remains to be yet seen," said I. "But so much I need!" I thought I had been a gull and a ninny and a soft Tommy. But it was was wholly beaten from my mind by the vehemency of my discomposure. This made a welcome diversion for all three of us. Dunkirk! We left our horses at the post, and found a guide to Bazin's. He led us at once either to the altar or the field. There sprang a patch of red in either of her cheeks. He came with one of his queer smiles. What was I telling ye, David?

"French nobleman," he told me, "excuse him." I was in no haste to make my presence known; the further though she must have stood behind it listening. She remained there; at times I could hear a creak of the machinery. I could very well understand how she should avoid James More.

I told him, "Ay, it was the same," and he withheld me some time from my butt. When I argued with myself, I grew more hopeful. She had cut that and his nose upon one side. As soon as I came in, the girl looked at me but knew not where I was. I had forgot why I was happy; only I knew she.

This did not interest me in the smallest, and at the door she dismissed me, some things said and done, and some that would be better to be forgotten. I supposed that our affairs have got so much ravelled.

-- Dr. N

[This message was put together from two pieces of spam.]

Second Opinion on Cell Phone Etiquette

Dear Dr. Nello:

When you’re having dinner with someone, is it okay to answer your cell phone? And is it rude to leave your phone on the table?

-- Always Connected

Dear Always Connected:

I don't consider it rude to answer the phone during dinner ... you'd probably do the same thing if a call came through on a landline. It's actually rude to the person calling you if you DON'T answer. Your dinner guests will still be there when the call is done; the caller, however, will not be there if you ignore them.

Consider if you were at a restaurant with someone and a friend walked by and said hello. Would you ignore them? No, you'd acknowledge their presence, and you should treat the cell phone caller with the same respect.

If you feel that answering the phone tells your dinner guest they're unimportant to you, put the phone on speaker and have a conference call. Friends walking by in the restaurant can feel free to join in as well.

As for leaving your phone on the table, it depends on what kind of phone you have and if you plan to do secret texting. If you have a really way cool phone like my RAZR, which is super awesome, it makes a great conversation piece because of it's neato features. However, if you want to do under-the-table texting (which, for those born before 1975, means writing telegrams with your portaphone via instant "E" mailing), it's best to keep the phone on your lap.

-- Dr. N

HAPPY NELLOVERSARY!

Even a grisly murder and the WGA strike can't stop them from answering your questions, solving your problems and making the world the best place to live.

n08, Y2K8, and 1/6/08

Many of you have already discovered n08, the temporary replacement for Dr. Nello's blog while the doctor was on strike and Nurse Chris is still dead. Now that this blog is back, n08 has been moved to this new address (although let's be honest, we're not promising much in the way of updates).

Meanwhile, Dr. Nello would like to say that while it seems he's been on strike since mid-November, he actually did answer a series of letters earlier in December, but as our computers weren't prepared for that nasty Y2K8 bug, the post got lost until now (see below).

Finally, our one-year anniversary is fast approaching ... next Sunday (1/6/08) is our blog's birthday!