Got Talent?

Dear Dr. Nello:

My family cannot peaceably run talent shows together. Does this mean we should get a divorce?

-- Too Personal in Slumsville

Dear 2Personal:

Why would you want to run a talent show anyway? This is the 21st century. We have television. There is no need to sit around watching each other perform magic tricks or yodel in Latin when we can just flip on the tube.

I can tell, though, you must be one of those "traditional" people that shuns electronic media, "unschools" their children and hosts tea parties. You're going to go ahead and keep planning events like "Slumsville's Got Talent" in your living room. Here is my list of suggestions for Successful Home Innate-Talent shows (or Successful HIT shows, for short):

1) The only languages allowed for songs are English, Vulgarity and Finnish.
2) A gong, a cane and several rotten tomatoes are provided for fast removal of poor quality acts.
3) There must be at least one act involving bodily functions. (If you find this too crude, you can substitute Jell-O wrestling.)
4) The closing song should be an acoustic rendition of "Ladybug, Ladybug."

Follow these steps and there should be no need for family divorce. If tensions should remain, though, please call the Nurse Chris Memorial Family Counseling Hotline, 1-800-NCZ-DEAD.

-- Dr. N

Spiders and Sheets

Dear Doctor Nello:

How often ought a lady change the sheets on beds for her guests? Once a week? Once a year? What if she feels quite certain that giant spiders are occasionally sleeping in the guest beds, but also occasionally laundering the sheets?

-- Confused as a Cupcake

Dear CaaC:

First of all, spiders are not only gross, but dangerous to your eyelashes. Therefore, if you think there are giant spiders in your basement, I recommend bombing the bedroom. Not bug-bombing but literally bombing it to smithereens.

Another approach you can take is arming your guests with mythical swords such as "Sting" from the Lord of the Rings. I fell asleep the last several times I tried watching that movie, but I'm fairly sure that "Sting" slays spiders of great dimensions. (As a side note, I hear the movies were so successful they're novelizing them as a book trilogy. Exciting!)

I have never heard of spiders laundering sheets. However, I do know of a verifiable medical case were a girl had a boil on her face. The boil grew larger and larger until it exploded and hundreds of tiny spiders crawled out.

In general, when spider infestations are not a concern, follow the "underwear" rule for sheets. After two uses, flip and use twice again, then wash.

-- Dr. N

D$@#!

Dr. Nello:

Someone I know keeps writing "derpt" on things. Is this funny?

-- Getting Derpt-pressed in Ohio

Dear Derpt-pressed:

It really depends on what "things" this person is writing on. For example, if he's writing "derpt" on a BMW or a national monument, that's not funny, but if he's writing "derpt" on his posterior (or his posterity), that could be funny.

The term "derpt" itself is not one that I was immediately familiar with, and a quick scan of drMediPedia proved unfruitful. However, out of the top five results of Google, I have determined "derpt" to be one of three things: 1) a misheard quote from a movie, 2) an alternate spelling of Tartu, the second largest city of Estonia, or 3) part of a biochemical computer code from the Université de Liège. Let's examine the funniness of its usage in each case.

1) Quoting a movie has a funniness limit of 10 usages per month. Misquoting a movie is only funny the first 5 times. If this person has passed their limit, they are no longer funny.

2) Tartu, being the second-largest city in a country known mostly as "the other one besides Latvia and Lithuania," and having the alternate spelling "Derpt," is funny to write about. It's just so ridiculous, like Unalaska, Alaska or Twin Buttes, NM.

3) It is never funny to write computer code (especially on T-shirts), even if it does refer to an institution with a very funny name.

So as you can see, it is only funny if a) "Derpt" refers to Tartu or b) it is written on a rear end. If this person is writing "Derpt, Estonia" on his rear in Twin Buttes, NM, then it is very funny. Otherwise, chances are it's not funny.

Finally, for more information on funniness, you should consult TBS.

-- Dr. N

Nonanonymous, But Still Stupid

Dear NC:

I have this friend ... um ... we'll call her "Janet." She has an obsession with sending you e-mails that are neither funny nor clever (it will be easy to spot them). You and the doctor have been kind enough to answer them, but I can guess how much of a pain it is. I desperately need advice on how to tell her that her e-mails probably should have never even been written they're so stupid. I really don't want to hurt her feelings (I hope she doesn't realize this letter is from me) but if it's necessary, then I'll do it.

But there is something else too. I have to be the worst speller in the world. I once wrote a valentine for some friends, and instead of writing,"Domenica and Krissy" I wrote, "Damn it, Krissy." Can you help me at all?

-- [Please Insert Name Here]

PS. I'm glad to finally find out your gender! Though I still doubt it's possible to change from male to female...

Dear No Name:

Nurse Chris is dead, but I'll pass on the message.

We are quite familiar with "Janet." I have actually received phone calls from this individual (which is strange and slightly disturbing as I have an unlisted number). She has demanded to know why her some of her emails went unanswered, and I explained that I refuse to answer questions that 1) refer to cats as humans, 2) contain "Nello-head" or "Dr. Quack," or 3) simply don't make any sense. She seems to have gotten the message as it has been months since I've heard from her. You don't need to worry about Janet.

For others, though, how do you politely tell them their emails are stupid without offending them? The answer is simple: you can't do it politely. Just be rude and blunt. Some things are more important than friendships, such as intelligence, pride, money and chocolate.

As to the spelling issue, I think a better question is why were you writing a valentine to two girls at once? I suggest investing in an unabridged dictionary, a swift kick in the butt, and (in memory of Nurse Chris) counseling.

-- Dr. N