Where'd Ya Go, Nello?

Dr. Nello, Valued Customer:

Are you still there? We want you to know that we miss you. We haven't heard from you in a long time.

Where have you been? We can change. Come back and let us know how. We really want you back.

-- American Eagle Outfitters

Dear AE:

Thanks for your concern, but don't worry, Nurse Chris and I were just on vacation down in North Carolina. For the most part it was a great week, although due to some over-chlorination of the swimming pool, water was not our best friend. Let's just say that an acidic pool can cause intense pain. (Just like senior citizens.)

Since you're willing to change, though ... I'd like it if you sent me a few free coupons, as in coupons that give me AE clothes, for free. That'd be great!

-- Dr. N

FIRST SINGLE FROM N'n'N RELEASED

Call up your local radio station and request "Still Tippin' (Cows)," that hot new track from N'n'N! (But make sure you include the "Cows" part, or they might play Mike Jones' "Still Tippin'," which is not the same song at all.)

Does anyone actually request songs on the radio?

Gender Revealed!

Nurse Chris:

The time has come for you to finally reveal if you are a man or a woman. Choose wisely.

-- Somebody

Dear Nobody:

The results are in! Sort of. It is now known that I was born male. Unfortunately, over time, hormones have been changed in my body, both naturally and unnaturally, and gender tests show that while I am neither completely man or woman, I am leaning more to the female side.

So, I would find it acceptable for people to refer to me as Sir or Ma'am, but I would prefer to be called "Chris" as that can be used for any of the three main genders.

-- Nurse Chris

Reader Should Take the Money

Nurse Chris:

My father is very sensitive in his neck, I mean so sensitive that if I were to touch it in just the right spot he'd pass out. Is it wrong to take advantage of this? I was thinking I could knock him out and take his money or something.

-- 8th Child

Dear 8th:

If I was a person with strong morals I would probably object to such behavior. Luckily for you, I am no such person. I find it completely acceptable to use this situation to your advantage. The only thing you need to consider is exactly how much money you take at a time. I've learned from my own experience of taking money from my parents, you need to take it slowly and over time.

If you are worried that he will eventually discover the missing money, set some of it aside. For example, if your dad has $3,000 in his wallet, after you have made him pass out, leave $500 in his wallet, set aside $2,000 and take $500 that you can spend right away. That way, if he never realizes that is money is gone, you can keep it, but if he does, you can always "find" the $2,000 under his bed where he "must have dropped it." He probably won't take the time to count it anyway.

If for some reason you feel guilty about the matter, I recommend counseling to help you realize how wonderful money is.

-- N.C.

REUNION LEADS TO ALBUM

The long awaited and delayed album from N'n'N is almost here! Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris are pleased to announce the release date for their first musical collaboration. Good Thing We're Not Related will hit stores this summer, June 19. It will be preceded by the single "Still Tippin' (Cows)," expected to hit airwaves sometime in the next week.

Nurse Chris Returns

Doktor:

I suspect your are studying for an advanced degree or something because the pickings are so stingy and stupid lately on this site. Should you really be taking up so much valuable internet space anymore, or should you unclog the blogosphere and make room for someone who is genuinely clever or at least helpful? That could be me (or any mother). Will you have a summer job that is going to interfere with your doing a good job of being a doctor? If so please bring back the much missed Nurse Chris!

-- Wondering, Wise Woman

Dear WWW: Never have I met a clever mother, but that's another story. The real issue, which many a teary-eyed child has asked me, is Nurse Chris. Are we reconciled? Will she be rehired? Does Nurse Chris know Nurse Chris's gender yet?

After temporarily employing two other doctors and asking my colleague Justinespired to submit a guest letter, I've realized that this site is missing something without the dear nurse. After much sobbing and sniffling (from Nurse Chris, mostly due to his having to take a shower), I've decided to allow him back to this advice column. Expect to see many posts from Nurse Chris shortly!

As for a summer job, I have one ... it happens to also be my winter/spring/fall job, which is helping people through my splendiferous advice.

-- Dr. N

PS. Dr. Fello and Dr. Jello will remain on the official staff of this blog, and will occasionally answer some letters as well.