Real Real Estate

Dr. Nello:

I put my apartment online to attract potential renters, but I suspect that I may be getting scam emails. There's a Swedish mail-order bride, a British paleontologist, a chemist father and a blind and cripple teacher. While they've all provided plenty of background and guarantees, there's just something phishy about it. How can I tell if I can trust them or not?

[All the original letters can be found here.]

-- Moving, USA

Dear Moving:

What I'd suggest is that you write back to the posters making fun of them. Insult everything about them, especially spelling and grammar, appearances and weight, and lifestyle choices. If it's truly a scam they won't bother responding to you, and if it turns out to be real, you can apologize and explain that you were merely testing them for security reasons. They'll understand.

-- Dr. N

"Pretty" Clothes and Ugly People, Pt. 1

Dr. Nello (AND NURSE CHRIS):

Is there a connection between being physically unattractive and being mentally ill? I ask because there seems to be a high percentage of individuals with repulsive bodies who like to wear shirts and pants with slogans claiming to be some sort of hot commodity. Generally the slogan itself is strategically placed so as to draw your attention to a "problem area" of theirs. Even when it is not placed poorly though, the nature of the words just begs you to critique their beauty (or rather, lack thereof). Most of these people have ugly faces, too. I can only conclude that they have some mental deficiency. Why else would they do this?

-- Concerned After Standing in Line Behind a Man Who Had a List of "Firefighter Pickup Lines" on His Shirt but a Face that Made Me Throw Up a Little in My Mouth.

Dear CASILBAMWHALOFPLOHSBAFTMMTUALIMM:

The study of logovestusbellus delusion, or the confusion of "clothes with words make me pretty," is rather recent territory to be mined. However, with the rise of A&F, it is spreading at an alarming rate. My favorite example of LD was a girl with the word "Juicy" written across her derrière. I believe she was trying to degrade herself a la Sir Mix-a-Lot, but to Nurse Chris and I it just reminded us of liquid flatulences. Similarly, my sister spotted a female "Money Maker" whose income probably fell flat of what she expected.

But as you pointed out, males are not immune to this plight. Sometimes it's just innocuous yet stupid, like pointing out a "Gun Show" when the wearer has peashooters rather than bazookas, or proclaim the dirty deeds committed by the individual (like "I Fell in the Mud" when it's obvious he didn't).

Is there a mental deficiency connection? You would think an intelligent person would realize that wearing clothes with words don't make you beautiful, clothes that are expensive make you beautiful. But it's possible that the wearer doesn't actually believe that he/she possesses the qualities shis clothes proclaim, but wish to attract stupid people who read the word "Hottie" and assume that the shirt must be telling the truth even if shis eyes deceive shim.

While these nonmatching slogans and bodies make you vomit, just remember: wouldn't it be worse if they weren't wearing any clothes at all?

-- Dr. N

PS. Nurse Chris will add shis comments shortly (for those not familiar with the Beijing+5 type thinking, "shis" is the indeterminant gender possessive adjective; likewise "shim" corresponds to "her/him").

AUGUST ALREADY?

Where does the time go? We meant to answer so many posts during the month of July, but I guess we just fell behind. Here's a few rushed responses. Hopefully they're up to caliber.

Also, Dr. Jello had a birthday recently that we'd like to announce now (her b-day was 7/22). To make it up to her, we're going to have a very special "13+ years" post coming soon. And hopefully "soon" means this month.

Sincerely,
The Staff

[This was originally a Harry Potter post, but that was supposed to be a joke. I was going to delete it but since it got two comments, I decided to just change it.]

Doctor Nello to Inherit from a Not-A-Scam

[Note: This letter has been shortened; to see the original, click here.]
Greetings:

I am Mr. Douglas Gireme, an Accountant with Stanbic Bank Plc Lagos, Nigeria; I am also the personal Account Manager to Engr. George Woods, a Citizen of your country and a civil engineering Contractor with Halifax Petroleum Products Servicing Company in my country. On the 22nd of October 2005, Engr. George Woods was involved in a plane crash of Bellview Airlines Boeing 737 flight 210. All 117 passengers on board including Engr. George Woods, his Wife and their 3 children were killed in the fatal crash, shortly after take-off from Lagos.

Since then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to locate any of His extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several Unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of His family but to no avail, hence I contacted you. I got your contact from a Web directory I got from your embassy. I am his personal account manager of his account in my bank. The account is valued at about US$11 Million Dollars and it is due to be declared unserviceable by my bank by the end of next month since it has been inactive and unclaimed by anyone for more than 20 calendar months.

I am contacting you to assist in repatriating the money in addition to the estate property left behind by the late Engr. George. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over a year now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the George Woods, so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$11 million dollars can be paid to you, and then you and I can share the money 50% each. I will provide you with some of the Basic documents that the bank will expect you to have as a TRUE next of kin to Engr. George. This includes the Certificate of deposit for the money, Death Certificate and the Index Code number for the Account. An attorney will be contracted to help revalidated and notarize all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we you make.

All I require is your honesty; Sincerity and Cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this transaction will be executed under due legitimate procedures that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my email to Enable us discuss further and also send your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

-- Mr. Douglas Gireme, Esq

Mr. Grimy:

What bittersweet news: I can inherit wealth from the horrible death of someone I've never met. And there is clearly no way this is a scam because no lawyer who would fake a next-of-kin claim would be dishonest. I think your offer to split the money 50-50 is very fair and I'll be in touch with you shortly. Thanks again!

-- Dr. N

Marriage Woes

Doctor Nello:

My parents are very old and perhaps this is just their senility, but they like to argue over such minor events like what kind of bread is bought for Sunday brunch or what color the bookshelves should be. Their constant bickering is affecting my whole family: my brother cries himself to sleep each night and my sister ran away to Ugly Fat Horse Camp. My parents have been married for 36 years but I fear that number might not increase. I want my daddy to please stop yelling and my mommy to please stop crying. What can I do?

-- Child, Living in World War III

Dear Child:

It would be a horrible shame if your parents don't make it to their next anniversary; you must convince them that murder is not the answer. While this may seem like a daunting task, you should know that Nurse Chris and I actually run a marriage counseling. It is a three day retreat we call "Bat Out of Hell IV: Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris's Marriage Counseling."

Day 1 is an arduous journey. We begin with "Starvation Vacation," which teaches them to appreciate each other's cooking, continue with "The Quiet Game", which teaches them communication skills through duct tape, and conclude with "Trial By Fire" (this is more for the entertainment of the staff). Day 2 has three choice games: "Apology or Leprosy," a game in which the spouse can choose to apologize or suffer from disease, "Compromise or Someone Dies," which works on negotiation skills, and "Forgive or Don't Live," which teaches reconciliation. If days 1 and 2 have not solved the couple's problems, Day 3, with our super secret patented method definitely will.

If you'd like to sign your parents up the cost is a very low price of $10k, and the value of saving your parents marriage is priceless.

-- Dr. N

Flies and Lies

Doc:

I live in an apartment with some other guys, and because it's summer they like to leave the front door open to cool the place down. There's also a window open in the upstairs bathroom. We don't have screens, though, and I noticed we started getting some flies in the house. We were all gone this past weekend and when we came back there were dozens of flies. I tried explaining to my roommates that part of the reason we had a lot of flies was because of the open door and window, but they've told me that's impossible. (They've also said that bugs are not attracted to light, and that opening another window will cause them all to fly away.) If these flies did not come in through the door and the window, how did they appear?

-- Dan Bird, Pennsylvania

Dear Dan:

I have two words for you: spontaneous generation. Or if you prefer one word, abiogenesis. This was first hypothesized by Aristotle and has only been reaffirmed throughout the years. Spontaneous generation occurs when inanimate substances, like rotting meat, magically transforms into bugs. What probably happened was before you left, someone left some meat out, and when you came back it turned into the swarm of flies. My recommendation is that you leave a block of cheese out: this will turn into frogs, which will then eat your flies.

-- Dr. N

N'n'N TIP TO THE TOP

In it's sixth week, N'n'N's single "Still Tippin' (Cows)" overtakes Rihanna on the Billboard Hot 100 to claim the #1 spot. Billboard magazine ranks the most popular songs in the US based on sales and airplay, so this is a pretty major feat. Congrats to the Doc and Nurse!

Where'd Ya Go, Nello?

Dr. Nello, Valued Customer:

Are you still there? We want you to know that we miss you. We haven't heard from you in a long time.

Where have you been? We can change. Come back and let us know how. We really want you back.

-- American Eagle Outfitters

Dear AE:

Thanks for your concern, but don't worry, Nurse Chris and I were just on vacation down in North Carolina. For the most part it was a great week, although due to some over-chlorination of the swimming pool, water was not our best friend. Let's just say that an acidic pool can cause intense pain. (Just like senior citizens.)

Since you're willing to change, though ... I'd like it if you sent me a few free coupons, as in coupons that give me AE clothes, for free. That'd be great!

-- Dr. N

FIRST SINGLE FROM N'n'N RELEASED

Call up your local radio station and request "Still Tippin' (Cows)," that hot new track from N'n'N! (But make sure you include the "Cows" part, or they might play Mike Jones' "Still Tippin'," which is not the same song at all.)

Does anyone actually request songs on the radio?

Gender Revealed!

Nurse Chris:

The time has come for you to finally reveal if you are a man or a woman. Choose wisely.

-- Somebody

Dear Nobody:

The results are in! Sort of. It is now known that I was born male. Unfortunately, over time, hormones have been changed in my body, both naturally and unnaturally, and gender tests show that while I am neither completely man or woman, I am leaning more to the female side.

So, I would find it acceptable for people to refer to me as Sir or Ma'am, but I would prefer to be called "Chris" as that can be used for any of the three main genders.

-- Nurse Chris

Reader Should Take the Money

Nurse Chris:

My father is very sensitive in his neck, I mean so sensitive that if I were to touch it in just the right spot he'd pass out. Is it wrong to take advantage of this? I was thinking I could knock him out and take his money or something.

-- 8th Child

Dear 8th:

If I was a person with strong morals I would probably object to such behavior. Luckily for you, I am no such person. I find it completely acceptable to use this situation to your advantage. The only thing you need to consider is exactly how much money you take at a time. I've learned from my own experience of taking money from my parents, you need to take it slowly and over time.

If you are worried that he will eventually discover the missing money, set some of it aside. For example, if your dad has $3,000 in his wallet, after you have made him pass out, leave $500 in his wallet, set aside $2,000 and take $500 that you can spend right away. That way, if he never realizes that is money is gone, you can keep it, but if he does, you can always "find" the $2,000 under his bed where he "must have dropped it." He probably won't take the time to count it anyway.

If for some reason you feel guilty about the matter, I recommend counseling to help you realize how wonderful money is.

-- N.C.

REUNION LEADS TO ALBUM

The long awaited and delayed album from N'n'N is almost here! Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris are pleased to announce the release date for their first musical collaboration. Good Thing We're Not Related will hit stores this summer, June 19. It will be preceded by the single "Still Tippin' (Cows)," expected to hit airwaves sometime in the next week.

Nurse Chris Returns

Doktor:

I suspect your are studying for an advanced degree or something because the pickings are so stingy and stupid lately on this site. Should you really be taking up so much valuable internet space anymore, or should you unclog the blogosphere and make room for someone who is genuinely clever or at least helpful? That could be me (or any mother). Will you have a summer job that is going to interfere with your doing a good job of being a doctor? If so please bring back the much missed Nurse Chris!

-- Wondering, Wise Woman

Dear WWW: Never have I met a clever mother, but that's another story. The real issue, which many a teary-eyed child has asked me, is Nurse Chris. Are we reconciled? Will she be rehired? Does Nurse Chris know Nurse Chris's gender yet?

After temporarily employing two other doctors and asking my colleague Justinespired to submit a guest letter, I've realized that this site is missing something without the dear nurse. After much sobbing and sniffling (from Nurse Chris, mostly due to his having to take a shower), I've decided to allow him back to this advice column. Expect to see many posts from Nurse Chris shortly!

As for a summer job, I have one ... it happens to also be my winter/spring/fall job, which is helping people through my splendiferous advice.

-- Dr. N

PS. Dr. Fello and Dr. Jello will remain on the official staff of this blog, and will occasionally answer some letters as well.

hidDen message, seaRch beNeath

Dear Dr Nello:

A couple of months ago I started a blog, that was very popular but unfortunately I was only able to maintain it for a short period of time before I lost interest/motivation. I would like to start updating my blog again, because I think people really care about what I think, and most people probably have to waste their time now reading blogs by people who consider showering a hobby. I was wondering if you have any tips to get me going.

-- All Blogged Up

Dear ABU:

It's a good thing you're contacting me about this; I do have experience with making superb weblogs. The first question to ask, though, is if you really have the content to make a good site. Writing about your thoughts is a start, but consider thinking outside the box.

You can promise your readers a special event once a week (such as "Top 10 List" Friday, "Picture of My Children" Saturday, "Ghetto Muzik" Tuesday, or "I'll Actually Put Up a Post" Someday). Not only will this spark interest, but it will give you something creative and simple to do once a week.

Since you're starting back up and old blog, you probably have some posts already published. If you run out of new ideas to post, don't be afraid to go on a secret sabbatical ... just repost some oldies, or refer back to previous ones. You'll be surprised how many readers you can trick into thinking you've posted something new.

Or you can change the purpose of the entire blog. You could try a political approach, attacking governmental leaders without providing any real solutions. This way you capture the emotions of your audience without the responsibility of fixing the problems you point out. A blog about how much you hate the blog-o-sphere is an interesting concept; the irony of antiblogging will make your readers forget that you have no content.

Of course, the ramblings of your thoughts might be just enough to entertain your visitors, but don't lose steam by feeling the need to post every day. Twice a week is generally sufficient, and if you only post, say, five times in a month, that's just fine.

Also, remember to check out my previous post on blog advice.

-- Dr. N

Nerds and Neighbors

Here's a letter answered by our guest columnist and fellow blogger, Justinespired.

Dear Dr. Nello:

My neighbor "Wilma" is concerning me with her behavior. Recently when she was describing someone's actions to me, she said they were being, "unconsciously deliberate." Now to me that just seems to be contradictory but I thought it was best to bring it up with you. Then today Wilma said that people were believing "environmental wakoism" and I can't find "wakoism" in any dictionary, even the enormous unabridged version she recently bought for me didn't have it. So doctor, should I be concerned about this? Or is this just an uncontrollable behavior?

-- Confused

Dear Confused:

First of all, my apologies for not replying to your question sooner. I am the mother of many children and therefore have little time to dedicate to pursuing my own hobbies: writing and showering. Secondly, I’m wondering where YOU find the time to worry so much about other people’s problems. You don’t mention having any children. Do you? If so, you must not have enough. Find a way to legally acquire as many as possible. If you are single, I advise you seek out a large family and sell yourself to them as an indentured servant. Lastly, I suggest you stop taking books from your neighbor. Anyone who gives you unsolicited unabridged dictionaries likely suffers from a shopping addiction and you are just being an enabler.

-- Justinespired

Senor Rita (It's a Mr. Ri)

Dear Doc:

My sister is starting to worry me. She has absolutely no self esteem. "Bertha" calls herself man-woman, and recently asked my mother, "If children are like pancakes, why'd you make me so thick?" And one time I was looking in a mirror at a restaurant, and said "Who is that good looking guy?", referring to myself obviously, and my sister replied, "Me? Oh wait, you said good looking." Should I be concerned about this? Or should I be happy that she won't get her hopes up too high.

-- Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Connect-the-Dots:

I can't believe you're just now starting to worry. In cases like these the "Mister Sister" exhibits strange behavior for quite some time before the self-identity issues. Does your sister ever use halitosis as a weapon, speak Japanese or bathe in mayonnaise? All these are an indication of liquoreecha, an unfortunately common and severe affliction. Luckily there is a cure. In fact there are two cures! The first cure is a witch's brew made of nightshade, saffron and cat's blood mixed in a large black cauldron; drinking this in a graveyard during a full moon has been known to heal on at least three occasions. The second, which is slightly more practical, is to send your sister away to finishing school, however this may end up costing more than the first option.

-- Dr. N

Jiggly Jello Justifies

Dr. Jello:

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my roommates I want to kill them. I know murder is usually looked down upon, but they're really inconsiderate, irresponsible and idiotic. Also, I heard that a student whose roommate dies gets an automatic A. Considering these factors, what do you recommend?

-- Fed Up Grad Student

Dear Fed Up:

If you're hesitating about killing them to get an A, that's a problem right there. Roommates can be annoying sometimes, and a loving doctor would tell you to forgive them and try to work out a long lasting relationship. Unfortunately, I am not one of those doctors. If you really think killing them is wrong, you could always pay some one to do that for you. And if you really don't feel like spending the money, try selling them to the gypsies. Tell everyone that they died in some stupid, unbelievable, you-have-to-be-there-to-believe-it accident (you'd be surprised what people will believe) to avoid suspicion over their disappearance. They may be in misery, but you avoid getting blood on your hands. Plus, selling them means you now have money to use on killing future roommates.

-- Dr. Jello

The Other Other Doctor's Dog Deal

Exactly one week ago I gave Dr. Fello a seven-day expiration date. Here is the letter that just barely made it in time (he does apologize for the delay). Should we keep him? Your comments will determine his fate.

Doctor Fello:

Your name is so much cooler than Doctor Nello! Anyway, if my dog swallowed a leaking battery that I found in the mud at a toxic waste factory, and he's been throwing up, turned green, and can now talk, should I take him to an animal hospital, or just wait and let it pass? My friend said I should have done it a month ago when it happened, but I just wanted to ask a professional vet first.

-- Weird Dog's Owner

Dear Weird Owner:

Thank you for your compliment, and yes, my name is definitely much cooler than Dr. Nello. Of course, no offense to him.

As to your dog, if he has not yet died, film him while he is still talking and get it running on YouTube. If you get enough interest going, try seeing if a talk show might be interested in putting your dog on as a guest (actually you might want to contact "The View" to see if they have found a replacement for Rosie yet). If he has died (or has stopped talking), I would recommend selling him (or his body) to science. Then take the money and buy another dog (I would recommend a cat), or an iPod is always fun. I hope this advice helps you.

-- Dr. Fello

Dr. Fello To Get Boot, Dr. Jello Next In Line

Dr. Nello:

Why hasn't Dr. Fello posted anything yet? I think you should fire him.

-- Dr. Nellophant

Dear Dr. Nellophant:

I'm not quite sure what happened to Dr. Fello, but I can tell you this, he isn't turning out to be a very good assistant. I'll give him another week, and if he still hasn't come up with anything, he's going the way of Nurse Chris.

In the meantime, I have quite a long list of applicants waiting to fill this auspicious position. So say hello to:


Dr. Rita Shaqquitlique Jello!

Let's hope she does better than the last one.

-- Dr. N

Comments Blocked

Doc:

I have been having trouble posting comments on your site. This is a problem because although I am extremely clever (I make myself laugh all the time) I also am very forgetful. This is an asset at times, such as when I watch a rerun of a mystery show, like Sherlock Holmes; the ending is always a surprise for me. However, when I write a comment and then can't post it, I promptly forget what I've said and may not be quite as clever the next time. Can you please fix your site so that none of my cleverness is lost?

Have you asked your mom to fill in for nurse Chris in his/her absence? Or is she over-qualified?

-- Frustrated in My Own Mind

Dear FiMom:

You probably just got blocked by our SpaMomKiller software, which prevents junk posts from reaching our inboxes (generally friend requests, advertisements, and posts about mothers). Unfortunately, the occasional junk post will slip by, and other times good posts are misinterpreted as junk messages. We did recently upgrade our software, so hopefully this has solved your problem.

As for Nurse Chris, Nurse Chris and I are currently discussing Nurse Chris's position as my assistant (due mainly to reader pleas). As previously reported, Dr. Fello has been hired on a temporary basis, and his first email response is expected soon. However, before any final decisions are made regarding Nurse Chris, there's quite a line of other applicants that require my attention.

-- Dr. N