MOVIE WITH DOCTOR AND NURSE COMING SOON

Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris finished filming for the upcoming eighth installment of the acclaimed Naked Death series. Like the other seven films, this one promises extended nudity and violence.


The plot is a well guarded secret of the film company, but we are told that it involves Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris, a banana, a knife and a mystery.

Dear Flabby stars in this film as well (although Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris point out that her role is much smaller).


Originally subtitled "Murder, Au Naturale," the title is now simply "Naked Death 8."
(If you don't understand the artwork, click here to see the album that inspired this poster. For posters of the previous seven films, click on this (1), this (2), this (3), this (4), this (5), this (6) or this (7). Website coming soon!)

Owl Howl

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've noticed that some of the questions you have gotten lately are downright foolish. They have been a waste of my time to read, and no doubt have been a waste of your time to answer. Can a man of your credentials and busy schedule really have the time to devote to those who need brain transplants or have severe social disorders brought on, no doubt, by being younger members of large families? Tell me are there no minimum standards on your notable blogsite? Please continue to answer all questions on cats and arranged marriages and those sent in by women, mothers or homeschoolers as these are always of general interest.

-- A Wise Old Owl

Dear WOO:

This letter was received a while back, but due to an evil email snafu we were unable to answer it until now. As I'm sure you're quite aware, the quality of our posts has improved since you sent this. It is true, for a short while there we were putting forth subpar posts. (Then again, if you're below par in golf, doesn't that mean you're scoring well?) For confidentiality reasons, I can't point out particular posts that we grudgingly replied to, but I'm sure you can pick them out.

When I say our posts were below average, though, I must also point out while they were below average for this blog, they were far superior to most other advice columns.

At that time, we were going through an email shortage. We are actually investigating this: recent evidence indicates that one of our competitors (we'll call her "Dear Flabby") actually hacked into our account and was blocking incoming messages. Due to the shortage, we were forced to revisit old rejected emails. As these emails had less interesting topics, the replies were unfortunately also less interesting.

But this was a long time ago. Since then our email account has been flooded with emails and we're doing our best just to keep up! At your request, I will continue to deny emails from homeschooling mothers with cats.

-- Dr. N

2(Tall) + 4(Grad School) = 1^(Loneliest #)

Nurse Chris:

I recently won what I considered to be a "major award" but it seems as if nobody else cares. I waited and waited for family and friends to either a.) call and congratulate me, or b.) show up as they said they would to the ceremony, but neither happened.

My concern is that I move forward in my life and continue down a path of increased academic specialization that I am learning more and more about less and less, and eventually I will know everything about nothing.

What advice would you give me? I would appreciate it greatly if any insights you have and/or recommendations you will make could be expressed in a mathematical expression or formula, for that is how I prefer to communicate with other people.

-- Learned, Lanky and Lonely

Dear Lonely:

I'm sorry to tell you this, but responding to your letter in an equation would only worsen your condition. I can tell from the way you type that you are the tallest person in your family by at least a quarter of a man, and this makes you uncomfortable around other people, mostly because you have to bend over to communicate with them. Without realizing it, you have completely separated yourself from the rest of mankind and turned to numbers to find friends.

That is why nobody seemed to notice after you won your award. People are so used to your solitude that while they may have told you they would come to the ceremony, they figured you wouldn't even notice their absence. A second possibility is that years ago, family members used to offer you "treats" but you ignored them and this is their way of getting back at you.

About your problem of learning everything about nothing, I have good and bad news. The good news is that you have realized you have a problem, the bad news is, you are so far gone, it will be hard for you to get back on track. They say knowledge is power, but in reality, knowledge can ruin your life. People become absorbed with learning, and soon enough learn the basics of everything that is important. So they decide to specialize, learning more and more. But how in depth can you go on one subject? Specialized education is a slippery slope, and as you learn more about nothing, you begin to forget the important things in life, and become lonely.

Your condition cannot be reversed naturally, so I suggest counseling to help get your life back on track.

-- Nurse Chris

Freaky Eye

Dr. Nello:

I have an eyelash shortage. My eyelashes on the top center of my right eye all decided to fall out in a week's time. I'm not sure what caused it, but it frightens me (and little children) because now I sort of look like one of those dolls that have the eyelids that close when you tip them back, except I look like one of the freaky ones in scary movies because my eyelashes are missing. In a related matter, I had two ingrown eyelashes at once in the same spot about a year ago. Can you help me? Halloween is nowhere near and yet little children run screaming when I go by.

-- Tired of Being "Chucky"

Dear Tired of Being Chunky:

The way I see it, you have quite a few options. You could remove eyelashes from your left eye, and this way your face will be symmetric again. You could even shave your eyelashes completely off: lack of hair is the new in. Ask Britney Spears. Just beware that this can lead to ingrown lashes, which as you know can be a problem.

If you insist on keeping your lashes, you could glue some artificial ones on. Nose hairs are about the same color and length, but if that bothers you, you can always pluck some spare eyebrows to use.

You could invest in an eye patch to cover your eye. Also pick up a hook and an affinity for the letter "R." While children may be afraid of dolls, no child is scared of a pirate.

Ingrown eyelashes are caused by one of two things. The first is shaving or trimming your lashes down too far so that they regrow under the eyelid. The second is that when you are sleeping, spiders crawl across your face. Some spiders are swallowed but those that are not have a penchant for snatching lashes, and when the new lashes grow back they are ingrown. I recommend sleeping with your mouth open to keep the spiders from getting your eyelashes.

I hope this helps you. Please write back if you have anymore questions, but do not send a picture because your eye sounds really scary and I don't want nightmares.

-- Dr. N

Dangerous Dreams

Dr. Nello:

I think I have a problem, but I'm not sure. My life is probably in danger. My son likes to share his dreams with us and the other day he rambled on nonchalantly about his dream of me. It began with his arguing with me and went on to where he actually killed me. As my children must explain their dreams to me in twenty-five words or less, I'm not sure how the dream ended. Of course, I now sleep with my door locked, a knife under my pillow and one eye opened.

If I live or die is not such a problem, and being killed in my sleep could be more pleasant than the terrible car crash my husband will no doubt have someday when I am neglectful with my back seat driving. My problem why is Nurse Chris confused about his gender? Are his older brothers to blame? Does it have to do with too much time on the computer, or the many times he was thrown head first from his bike as a child? Does he need counseling or just a new wardrobe? What is the medical term for the opposite of an Oedipal complex? Does this have anything to do with global warming?

-- From the Mother You All Wish You Had

Dear So-And-So:

Interesting that you think your son's murderous nocturnal sensations are trumped by Nurse Chris's gender, Freudian theories, and global warming. I will address each of these issues in reverse order.

1. I only wish Nurse Chris had something to do with global warming. I am sick and tired of the cold weather: one ski trip this winter was enough for me. Now I don't want to see below 60 temperatures until December. Unfortunately, whether Nurse Chris is male or female does not affect the climate. However, I have heard that smoking increases the greenhouse affect. I am considering taking up this habit (for the sake of global thermal comfort, of course).

2. Oedipal complex is when "children regard their father as an adversary and competitor for the exclusive love of their mother." Therefore the opposite is "children working with their father to destroy their mother." We'll address this in point 6.

3. I never want to read "Nurse Chris" and "counseling" in the same sentence again.

4. Nurse Chris claims that he was never thrown from his bike. Rather, that time at the park he explains as an experiment to see if hitting a metal trash receptacle at a high velocity would enable flying. The test was successful, as both Nurse Chris and the garbage can achieved substantial altitude. Also, Nurse Chris says he never uses a computer, except to study, e-mail, instant message, research Camaros and blog, which are all necessary.

5. It is very likely that Nurse Chris's older brothers have had an effect on his confusion. According to Wikipedia, with each additional son, the chances of a certain lifestyle increase by 30%. Nurse Chris therefore has a 120% of being this way. As you can see, it is only understandable that he is not sure of what exactly his identity is.

6. I suspect that your son has an anti-Oedipal complex, as I described in point 2. If this is the case, then you may want to start sleeping with two eyes open as your husband is probably plotting to kill you as well. In fact, sleep with three eyes open because your other children could be involved. In the meantime, try to figure out why your family wants to kill you. Perhaps you can allow your son to explain his dream in 25 more words; he might reveal his motives to you, and you can start putting your knives in the kitchen instead of the bedroom. Bring your family to counseling with you to sort out your problems; Nurse Chris would be more than happy to suggest an appropriate physician.

And while you're at it, start smoking so we can have an early summer.

-- Dr. N

NEW MEDICINAL SUPERPOWER

Dr. N and Nurse Chris are proud to announce a new website! DrNello presents DrMediPedia, an editable wiki of important medical information. You'll find definitions of diseases like "narcaticlepsy," medical terms like "dual swab" and medicines like "placebotox." Not only does DrMediPedia provide an invaluable searchable database, but YOU can edit it too! (Ah, the power of wikis: edit a page an suddenly it becomes truth.)

Medication Mixup

Dear Dr. Nello:

I have very recently discovered that a doctor whom I trust greatly with advice on many topics may be a fraud! I have had mild concerns in the past, but now I am afraid I should take action against him. This doctor did not know that the OTC medication "Midol" had different uses from your every day Ibuprofen or Aspirin! He thought that Midol's main purpose was for headache relief.

I will certainly be cutting myself off from this doctor, but I want to get the word out to others. What do you think I should do?

-- Disgusted by Doctor

Dear Disgusting:

It is a sad fact that there are quacks out there like your doctor who claim to have extensive medicinal knowledge, and in fact have never even been to medical school. There are even some who go so far as to set up online advice columns, purporting to be helpful physicians, and in reality are shameless con artists. Beware of these charlatans!

However, I do find your worries over this particular doctor to be unfounded. Have you done a DrMediPedia search on this particular medicine? I have. Check out this link.

Had your doctor claimed that Midol could cure malblogoholism, gynophobia, or senioritis, then he would have been incorrect and you would have been right to pursue legal action. As it stands, though, it seems that your doctor in fact is correct, and you probably owe him money. Lots of money. I expect my check in the mail.

-- Dr. N

PLEASE BE PATIENT, PATIENTS

Dear Dr. Nello Devotees:

Wow, it's been 2 weeks since we've last posted! We apologize; we know you're all anxious to have your letters answered (or at least laugh at the medical problems of others). We promise to put up at least three posts this weekend, or you'll get your money back.

-- Dr. N and Nurse Chris

Help With Drinking Problem

Nurse Chris:

I have a drinking problem. Right now I am drinking diet root beer. Diet! Can you believe it? And I'm not repulsed! This is a problem and I don't know what to do.

-- Dr. Nellephant

Dear Phant:

I am terribly sorry to hear of someone in this type of situation. Fortunately many people who drink diet soda make a complete recovery, but it's not always easy. Diet soda has a weird way of attacking the central nervous system similar to cigarettes. The victim becomes numb to the horrible aftertaste either because it has been too long since they last experienced real soda, or because they slowly killed off their good taste brain cells.

There are two ways to treat this. The first way is to look at other people who drink diet soda. Most of them are not in good shape and can't afford to drink real soda. You will naturally want to dissociate yourself with those people and and your brain will start functioning normally again. The downside to this is that you can easily slip back into your old habits if you don't continually look at out of shape people, and no one really wants to do that.

The second alternative is to go to the store, buy a 12 pack, and drink it in under an hour. This will jolt your body back to where it should be. The downside to this method is that if you drink too much soda at once, you will become out of shape yourself and be forced to drink diet soda.

A supplement to either of these of these methods is DSDA (Diet Soda Drinkers Anonymous), they hold weekly meetings and are free to attend. Find one in your area and try it out.

If all else fails, I suggest counseling to help you get back into your normal drinking habits.

-- Nurse Chris

Hungry Hungry Honey

Dear ever sensible and sensitive Nurse Chris:

I realize that I want very much to get back in shape, but I also desire to eat constantly, uncontrollably and indulge in all the foods I like so much whenever I want. For instance , tonight I want to consume a big bag of pretzels and a pound and a half of blue cheese mixed with a pound of cream cheese, then I want to move on to Dove bars and then back to Doritos -- you see the pattern? Is it possible that my two desires mutually exclusive? Can I marry physical fitness and sheer culinary abandon?

-- A Hungry Honey

Dear Hungry:

Fortunately for you, studies now show that eating whatever you want, along with a reduced calorie diet and exercise, can actually help you lose weight! So go ahead and eat your pretzels, chips, and moldy cheese. Before you know it, you will be in the best shape of your life, and enjoying it too!

If by any chance you do not lose the weight you wanted to, I suggest counseling to help you deal with you emotional grief.

-- Nurse Chris

Doctor's Defense

Dear Doctor and Nurse:

Okay, so you help us with our problems, right? What about you two? I mean, come on, you guys must have problems of your own; nobody's perfect. How can you give advice to people if your own judgment is blurred (not just by your drinking problems)? "Remove the plank from your own eye before taking the splinter from your brother's."

-- "Ri"

Dear Ri:

I find it funny you accuse me of criticizing others before removing my own plank. For your information, I have removed my own plank. I removed so many planks I was able to build my house with the lumber. And I have a mansion! As for my brother's eye, I have no intention of removing those splinters ... I put them there myself.

I will admit, though, that I am not perfect. As you mentioned, I have a drinking problem. Right now I am drinking diet root beer. Diet! Can you believe it? And I'm not repulsed! This is a problem and I don't know what to do.

My personal problems do not prevent me from giving advice to others, though. While you quote the Bible, here's an adage that trumps yours: "Physician, heal thyself." What this means is that physicians are allowed to heal. As I am a doctor (physician), Aesop is giving me permission to give advice to (heal) others with my own powers.

Lastly, I do not believe my judgment is blurred because I wear special unblurring glasses.

-- Dr. N

Hurting Head Healing

Dr. Nello:

It's so good to know that the doctor is in again. I have had so many questions to ask, but since you have be on hiatus, I have turned to drink and justinespired.blogspot.com. This has been difficult as one gives me a hangover and the other brainfreeze. While both of these conditions are okay, I'm afraid I now find that every time I drink too much I read blogs, and even sober I'm reading Justine's on a daily basis. Is there any help for me? Do I have bloggeritis or something? Must I leave my computer at the curb on garbage day? Pretty soon my puter time will rival that of my no good sons. Help!

-- One of Your Many Non-Paying Patients

Dear Freaky-Deaky:

Bloggeritis would be an inflammation of the blogger. You are not a blogger and probably not inflamed either. Therefore I diagnose that you do not have bloggeritis. You actually have "malblogoholism," which is a combination of an alcoholism and an addiction to poorly written blogs.

I'd recommend getting a spam/virus blocker for your internet browser to keep you off that J website, but I can tell you are not computer savvy as you call a computer by the reprehensible term "puter." So instead I suggest that you have your wonderful sons hide your computer glasses. This will keep you from viewing the content of justupid.com and replace your brainfreezes with headaches.

Now that we've consolidated your problem into a hurting head, let's work on that. I can't just prescribe pain killers, because it's well known that medicine and alcohol can have dire results and I'd likely be sued. Instead I recommend holistic healing. Buy very large magnets and screw them to your head (just be sure to remove them when using your computer to see this site). Acupuncture works as well, and remember "the bigger the needles, the faster the healing." Lastly you can try "yogart," which is the recent fad of exercising yoga while submerged in yogurt.

I hope this helps, but if it doesn't, you don't pay me anyway.

-- Dr. N

Treadmill Troubles

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I have been having a problem as of late. When I run on a treadmill, I lose feeling in my big toes. Why does this happen? Should I be worried, and how can I change this? I am very concerned about the safety of my feet.

Thanks!

-- Fearful for Feet

Dear Fearful Four Feet:

I referred your question to my podiatrist friend Dr. Ollen Oznarf. He gave me some great advice, but unfortunately I was drunk during our conversation and my memory of it is blurred. I'll try to recount his sagacious recommendations as best as possible.

"Foot safety is a concern oft overlooked in today's society. While exercisers will wear knee pads, elbow pads, and even nose strips, the foot is forgotten. One should take special care in treating the hallux (commonly known as the 'big toe'). Never stick anything sharper than your finger or a needle in your toes, and never dip your foot in boiling liquids.

Special devices are available to ensure safety during exercise, such as helmets, seat belts and metal braces. If you experience numbness or loss of vision in you halli, invest in a pair of toe helmets at once!

If your symptoms do not improve, you could look for replacement toes. They are available at many retailers such as Target, eBay and Loews Theaters.

Another option is to stop running on a treadmill. This will end your problem."

He didn't say what causes your problem, but I think it's that you drink too much.

-- Dr. N

S.W.E.A.T.Y.

Please forgive our short break from the Dr. Nello blog! The good doctor is preparing his Phi Kappa Phi nomination acceptance speech and Nurse Chris is temporarily Wet Nurse Chris for his new nephew. We hope to be able to resume our near-daily postings shortly; please keep those emails coming!

Dr. Nello:

My friend was answering a questionnaire and he had to list the emotions he felt when he received money. He said he felt sweaty. I was wondering is sweaty an emotion?

-- Perspiring While Inquiring

Dear Perspiring:

Did you ever see the 2003 remake of the movie Italian Job? You'll remember that "fine" is actually a carefully organized code standing for "Freaked out, Insecure, Nervous and Endangered species" (F.I.N.E.). Similarly, S.W.E.A.T.Y. means "Supple, Winterfresh, Energetic, Avaricious, Timid and Young." Your friend is actually saying that he is experiencing a number of emotions with this one word.

First he feels supple, or strong, with his newfound wealth, and even winterfresh. This leads to excitement and he is now energetic. Money, though, can cause him to become greedy and avaricious, and the realization of this makes him timid. Finally, he feels young as money reminds him of his youthful days of allowances, Christmas presents, and stealing from his parents' change jars.

So to answer your question, sweaty is not an emotion, it is many emotions. Hope this leaves you D.U.M.B. (Determined, Understanding, Merry and Beautiful)!

-- Dr. N

Stinky Problems

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I didn't read your caution soon enough, and I read your interesting questions and wise answers 239 times and then once more! Do you have any medical remedies to cure my current situation? Your answer might require the potty humor warning (I hope).

-- A Stinkin Devotee

Dear Stinkin:

Unfortunately this is a very serious problem. Fortunately there are several remedies. Products such as Gas-X and Beano can be very useful. The problem with medications like these, is that it can get very pricey.

A cheaper alternative is never going into a poorly ventilated room with other people, or just avoiding going indoors all together when you are not alone.

A third possibility is just pretending you don't have the problem. If someone accuses you, just act like they're crazy, or blame it on someone else. Luckily, millions of Americans have this problem so you have a good chance of guessing right when you blame someone else. Usually blaming a man yields better results.

If none of those help you, I suggest counselling to help you overcome your embarrassment.

-- Nurse Chris

NAME THAT BABY!

As of now, the newest Snell child is unnamed. All we know is that it is an 8 pound boy. So we are asking our readers, what should his name be? Here are some pictures to help...



[UPDATE: This baby is now named Constantine Michael, but if you still want to submit suggestions, there are a few more grandchildren in this family due before the year is out!]

Meat, Cheese, and Name-Calling

Dear Doc and Nurse:

I'm not very well liked in my house, and sometimes I get things thrown at me unexpectedly (like a bag of meat or a block or cheese). Most of the time my parents aren't around so they don't see it happen to me. If I tell them, my brothers might call me mean names like "Tattle tale," "Ugly," "Stupid," or even throw more meat and cheese at me! This has to stop! But how?

-- Black and Blue

P.S. Has Nurse Chris's test come in? I hope you like the results!

Dear Black and Blue:

I think you need a new perspective on your situation. Do you think starving people in Elbonia feel sorry for you that you have meat and cheese thrown at you? Next time free, delicious food is so graciously handed to you, remember those less fortunate. As for your brothers' name-calling, they are doing you a favor with their destructive criticism. This way when someone calls you less (yet still) offensive names like "monkey butt" or "dumb face," you're prepared to not only take it, but dish it out as well.

What I want you to do is thank your brothers for the nutrition and character building they are providing you. Offer to clean their room, buy them something expensive, or just let them punch you. You'll all benefit from this kind of relationship.

Nurse Chris's gender test was accidentally destroyed by the testing company, and a new test is scheduled for the near future. Nurse Chris doesn't mind ... gender tests are fun (for Nurse Chris, anyway)!

-- Dr. N

Nurse Chris "Nose" What's Best

Dr. Nello:

In addition to having a nose that could pick a lock, my wife has a sharp tounge. Tonight she told me that "she is the only woman she knows who's husband doesn't take out the garbage" to which I replied that I would begin taking out said trash when she starts cooking dinner. To which she replied that she did, in fact, make dinner last week twice.

That being a week ago, I don't remember all that well -- maybe she did. But my main points are still true: my father steals grapes and at times blows his nose very loudly.

What are my obligations in these regards?

-- 190lbs and Counting

Dear 190:

It seems you never had a good father figure while growing up, and therefore cannot be held accountable for not knowing exactly what the perfect husband is required to do. In fact, your wife should be thankful that you are not a grape thief and are more polite about nose blowing.

On the other hand, you need to consider that maybe your wife's lack of cooking is a blessing. When she does cook? What is it? Is it any good? If I were you, I would continue to not take out the garbage so that your wife won't cook and you can enjoy your meals at a restaurant.

If you do actually like your wife's cooking, but still don't want to take out the garbage, then all I can do for you is suggest that you and your wife seek counseling. If she refuses, go alone.

-- Nurse Chris

Speaking of Noses, Here's a Picked-On Boy

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I have an extremely annoying family. Just to give you some examples of how annoying they are: Whenever I come back from work (I am a cashier at a grocery store), everybody in my family asks if a customer reached over the counter and slapped me across the face. I say no. They seem to find this funny, but it is obviously not funny, it is just plain ANNOYING! It's also the same thing for piano lessons, they ask me if my teacher slapped me, and they still think it's funny. Even my mother does it.

What should I do to make my family stop being so annoying?

-- Picked-On Teenager

Dear Picked-On:

You feel that your family is annoying from the way they treat you, but, have you considered what it would be like if they ignored you? Maybe they just are trying to start a conversation with you but don't know how. Try starting a conversation with people before they get a chance to ask you about other people slapping you. Soon enough, these people won't feel the need to use the same conversation starter anymore! If this doesn't help you, I suggest counseling.

-- Nurse Chris

Big Things Coming

Dear Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris:

I am constantly blown away with your sagacious answers to your patients questions. It is certainly just a matter of time before you two are offered a national syndicated column or show. Have you thought about this?

Is their any chance you two could ever split up and strike out on your own? Have you considered adding your mothers to this blog? I bet they would be a most welcome addition; after all I assume you learned at the feet of the master.

-- This Side of the Ohio River

Dear Ohio:

Not only do we have syndication in the works, but also a book publishing, record signing, and even upcoming movie! We'll be informing you in the next few months how all this is coming along.

Our book is tenatively entitled "The Doctor Is In (And So Is His Nurse): Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris Answer Questions About Many Problems: Whether Medical, Social, Relationshipal, or Chemical, They Answer Them All: A Collection of the Greatest Q&A's, Volume I (2007 Edition)" and subtitled "Fulfilling Your Prescription ... For Life!" This will be, naturally, our "best of" book. It's due to come out around the end of the year, so add that to your Christmas lists!

As for our recording deal, we're now signed with Smash Records, the same company that houses other artists such as Snoopy the Dogg, Jefferson Starplane, Nudacris, and the Smashing Pineapples. We're still debating what stage names we're going to use: our top candidates are "The Doktor and his Nurze," "N 'n N," and "N.E.L.L.O." Whichever we pick, we're planning on using one of the others for the title of the album. After we pick a name we'll probably pick a genre.

Our movie (which will come after we guest star in "Naked Death VIII: Murder, Au Naturel!") is based on the true story of how we started our profession of helping people, and will include our trip to the moon, winning the Nobel Peace Prize, and ending the Clone Wars.

As for splitting up, I would never never do that. (Am I emphasing the neverality by repeating the word, or secretly using a double negative to mean "not never"? I'm not sure myself.)

-- Dr. N