Help With Drinking Problem

Nurse Chris:

I have a drinking problem. Right now I am drinking diet root beer. Diet! Can you believe it? And I'm not repulsed! This is a problem and I don't know what to do.

-- Dr. Nellephant

Dear Phant:

I am terribly sorry to hear of someone in this type of situation. Fortunately many people who drink diet soda make a complete recovery, but it's not always easy. Diet soda has a weird way of attacking the central nervous system similar to cigarettes. The victim becomes numb to the horrible aftertaste either because it has been too long since they last experienced real soda, or because they slowly killed off their good taste brain cells.

There are two ways to treat this. The first way is to look at other people who drink diet soda. Most of them are not in good shape and can't afford to drink real soda. You will naturally want to dissociate yourself with those people and and your brain will start functioning normally again. The downside to this is that you can easily slip back into your old habits if you don't continually look at out of shape people, and no one really wants to do that.

The second alternative is to go to the store, buy a 12 pack, and drink it in under an hour. This will jolt your body back to where it should be. The downside to this method is that if you drink too much soda at once, you will become out of shape yourself and be forced to drink diet soda.

A supplement to either of these of these methods is DSDA (Diet Soda Drinkers Anonymous), they hold weekly meetings and are free to attend. Find one in your area and try it out.

If all else fails, I suggest counseling to help you get back into your normal drinking habits.

-- Nurse Chris

Hungry Hungry Honey

Dear ever sensible and sensitive Nurse Chris:

I realize that I want very much to get back in shape, but I also desire to eat constantly, uncontrollably and indulge in all the foods I like so much whenever I want. For instance , tonight I want to consume a big bag of pretzels and a pound and a half of blue cheese mixed with a pound of cream cheese, then I want to move on to Dove bars and then back to Doritos -- you see the pattern? Is it possible that my two desires mutually exclusive? Can I marry physical fitness and sheer culinary abandon?

-- A Hungry Honey

Dear Hungry:

Fortunately for you, studies now show that eating whatever you want, along with a reduced calorie diet and exercise, can actually help you lose weight! So go ahead and eat your pretzels, chips, and moldy cheese. Before you know it, you will be in the best shape of your life, and enjoying it too!

If by any chance you do not lose the weight you wanted to, I suggest counseling to help you deal with you emotional grief.

-- Nurse Chris

Doctor's Defense

Dear Doctor and Nurse:

Okay, so you help us with our problems, right? What about you two? I mean, come on, you guys must have problems of your own; nobody's perfect. How can you give advice to people if your own judgment is blurred (not just by your drinking problems)? "Remove the plank from your own eye before taking the splinter from your brother's."

-- "Ri"

Dear Ri:

I find it funny you accuse me of criticizing others before removing my own plank. For your information, I have removed my own plank. I removed so many planks I was able to build my house with the lumber. And I have a mansion! As for my brother's eye, I have no intention of removing those splinters ... I put them there myself.

I will admit, though, that I am not perfect. As you mentioned, I have a drinking problem. Right now I am drinking diet root beer. Diet! Can you believe it? And I'm not repulsed! This is a problem and I don't know what to do.

My personal problems do not prevent me from giving advice to others, though. While you quote the Bible, here's an adage that trumps yours: "Physician, heal thyself." What this means is that physicians are allowed to heal. As I am a doctor (physician), Aesop is giving me permission to give advice to (heal) others with my own powers.

Lastly, I do not believe my judgment is blurred because I wear special unblurring glasses.

-- Dr. N

Hurting Head Healing

Dr. Nello:

It's so good to know that the doctor is in again. I have had so many questions to ask, but since you have be on hiatus, I have turned to drink and justinespired.blogspot.com. This has been difficult as one gives me a hangover and the other brainfreeze. While both of these conditions are okay, I'm afraid I now find that every time I drink too much I read blogs, and even sober I'm reading Justine's on a daily basis. Is there any help for me? Do I have bloggeritis or something? Must I leave my computer at the curb on garbage day? Pretty soon my puter time will rival that of my no good sons. Help!

-- One of Your Many Non-Paying Patients

Dear Freaky-Deaky:

Bloggeritis would be an inflammation of the blogger. You are not a blogger and probably not inflamed either. Therefore I diagnose that you do not have bloggeritis. You actually have "malblogoholism," which is a combination of an alcoholism and an addiction to poorly written blogs.

I'd recommend getting a spam/virus blocker for your internet browser to keep you off that J website, but I can tell you are not computer savvy as you call a computer by the reprehensible term "puter." So instead I suggest that you have your wonderful sons hide your computer glasses. This will keep you from viewing the content of justupid.com and replace your brainfreezes with headaches.

Now that we've consolidated your problem into a hurting head, let's work on that. I can't just prescribe pain killers, because it's well known that medicine and alcohol can have dire results and I'd likely be sued. Instead I recommend holistic healing. Buy very large magnets and screw them to your head (just be sure to remove them when using your computer to see this site). Acupuncture works as well, and remember "the bigger the needles, the faster the healing." Lastly you can try "yogart," which is the recent fad of exercising yoga while submerged in yogurt.

I hope this helps, but if it doesn't, you don't pay me anyway.

-- Dr. N

Treadmill Troubles

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I have been having a problem as of late. When I run on a treadmill, I lose feeling in my big toes. Why does this happen? Should I be worried, and how can I change this? I am very concerned about the safety of my feet.

Thanks!

-- Fearful for Feet

Dear Fearful Four Feet:

I referred your question to my podiatrist friend Dr. Ollen Oznarf. He gave me some great advice, but unfortunately I was drunk during our conversation and my memory of it is blurred. I'll try to recount his sagacious recommendations as best as possible.

"Foot safety is a concern oft overlooked in today's society. While exercisers will wear knee pads, elbow pads, and even nose strips, the foot is forgotten. One should take special care in treating the hallux (commonly known as the 'big toe'). Never stick anything sharper than your finger or a needle in your toes, and never dip your foot in boiling liquids.

Special devices are available to ensure safety during exercise, such as helmets, seat belts and metal braces. If you experience numbness or loss of vision in you halli, invest in a pair of toe helmets at once!

If your symptoms do not improve, you could look for replacement toes. They are available at many retailers such as Target, eBay and Loews Theaters.

Another option is to stop running on a treadmill. This will end your problem."

He didn't say what causes your problem, but I think it's that you drink too much.

-- Dr. N

S.W.E.A.T.Y.

Please forgive our short break from the Dr. Nello blog! The good doctor is preparing his Phi Kappa Phi nomination acceptance speech and Nurse Chris is temporarily Wet Nurse Chris for his new nephew. We hope to be able to resume our near-daily postings shortly; please keep those emails coming!

Dr. Nello:

My friend was answering a questionnaire and he had to list the emotions he felt when he received money. He said he felt sweaty. I was wondering is sweaty an emotion?

-- Perspiring While Inquiring

Dear Perspiring:

Did you ever see the 2003 remake of the movie Italian Job? You'll remember that "fine" is actually a carefully organized code standing for "Freaked out, Insecure, Nervous and Endangered species" (F.I.N.E.). Similarly, S.W.E.A.T.Y. means "Supple, Winterfresh, Energetic, Avaricious, Timid and Young." Your friend is actually saying that he is experiencing a number of emotions with this one word.

First he feels supple, or strong, with his newfound wealth, and even winterfresh. This leads to excitement and he is now energetic. Money, though, can cause him to become greedy and avaricious, and the realization of this makes him timid. Finally, he feels young as money reminds him of his youthful days of allowances, Christmas presents, and stealing from his parents' change jars.

So to answer your question, sweaty is not an emotion, it is many emotions. Hope this leaves you D.U.M.B. (Determined, Understanding, Merry and Beautiful)!

-- Dr. N

Stinky Problems

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I didn't read your caution soon enough, and I read your interesting questions and wise answers 239 times and then once more! Do you have any medical remedies to cure my current situation? Your answer might require the potty humor warning (I hope).

-- A Stinkin Devotee

Dear Stinkin:

Unfortunately this is a very serious problem. Fortunately there are several remedies. Products such as Gas-X and Beano can be very useful. The problem with medications like these, is that it can get very pricey.

A cheaper alternative is never going into a poorly ventilated room with other people, or just avoiding going indoors all together when you are not alone.

A third possibility is just pretending you don't have the problem. If someone accuses you, just act like they're crazy, or blame it on someone else. Luckily, millions of Americans have this problem so you have a good chance of guessing right when you blame someone else. Usually blaming a man yields better results.

If none of those help you, I suggest counselling to help you overcome your embarrassment.

-- Nurse Chris

NAME THAT BABY!

As of now, the newest Snell child is unnamed. All we know is that it is an 8 pound boy. So we are asking our readers, what should his name be? Here are some pictures to help...



[UPDATE: This baby is now named Constantine Michael, but if you still want to submit suggestions, there are a few more grandchildren in this family due before the year is out!]

Meat, Cheese, and Name-Calling

Dear Doc and Nurse:

I'm not very well liked in my house, and sometimes I get things thrown at me unexpectedly (like a bag of meat or a block or cheese). Most of the time my parents aren't around so they don't see it happen to me. If I tell them, my brothers might call me mean names like "Tattle tale," "Ugly," "Stupid," or even throw more meat and cheese at me! This has to stop! But how?

-- Black and Blue

P.S. Has Nurse Chris's test come in? I hope you like the results!

Dear Black and Blue:

I think you need a new perspective on your situation. Do you think starving people in Elbonia feel sorry for you that you have meat and cheese thrown at you? Next time free, delicious food is so graciously handed to you, remember those less fortunate. As for your brothers' name-calling, they are doing you a favor with their destructive criticism. This way when someone calls you less (yet still) offensive names like "monkey butt" or "dumb face," you're prepared to not only take it, but dish it out as well.

What I want you to do is thank your brothers for the nutrition and character building they are providing you. Offer to clean their room, buy them something expensive, or just let them punch you. You'll all benefit from this kind of relationship.

Nurse Chris's gender test was accidentally destroyed by the testing company, and a new test is scheduled for the near future. Nurse Chris doesn't mind ... gender tests are fun (for Nurse Chris, anyway)!

-- Dr. N

Nurse Chris "Nose" What's Best

Dr. Nello:

In addition to having a nose that could pick a lock, my wife has a sharp tounge. Tonight she told me that "she is the only woman she knows who's husband doesn't take out the garbage" to which I replied that I would begin taking out said trash when she starts cooking dinner. To which she replied that she did, in fact, make dinner last week twice.

That being a week ago, I don't remember all that well -- maybe she did. But my main points are still true: my father steals grapes and at times blows his nose very loudly.

What are my obligations in these regards?

-- 190lbs and Counting

Dear 190:

It seems you never had a good father figure while growing up, and therefore cannot be held accountable for not knowing exactly what the perfect husband is required to do. In fact, your wife should be thankful that you are not a grape thief and are more polite about nose blowing.

On the other hand, you need to consider that maybe your wife's lack of cooking is a blessing. When she does cook? What is it? Is it any good? If I were you, I would continue to not take out the garbage so that your wife won't cook and you can enjoy your meals at a restaurant.

If you do actually like your wife's cooking, but still don't want to take out the garbage, then all I can do for you is suggest that you and your wife seek counseling. If she refuses, go alone.

-- Nurse Chris

Speaking of Noses, Here's a Picked-On Boy

Dear Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

I have an extremely annoying family. Just to give you some examples of how annoying they are: Whenever I come back from work (I am a cashier at a grocery store), everybody in my family asks if a customer reached over the counter and slapped me across the face. I say no. They seem to find this funny, but it is obviously not funny, it is just plain ANNOYING! It's also the same thing for piano lessons, they ask me if my teacher slapped me, and they still think it's funny. Even my mother does it.

What should I do to make my family stop being so annoying?

-- Picked-On Teenager

Dear Picked-On:

You feel that your family is annoying from the way they treat you, but, have you considered what it would be like if they ignored you? Maybe they just are trying to start a conversation with you but don't know how. Try starting a conversation with people before they get a chance to ask you about other people slapping you. Soon enough, these people won't feel the need to use the same conversation starter anymore! If this doesn't help you, I suggest counseling.

-- Nurse Chris

Big Things Coming

Dear Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris:

I am constantly blown away with your sagacious answers to your patients questions. It is certainly just a matter of time before you two are offered a national syndicated column or show. Have you thought about this?

Is their any chance you two could ever split up and strike out on your own? Have you considered adding your mothers to this blog? I bet they would be a most welcome addition; after all I assume you learned at the feet of the master.

-- This Side of the Ohio River

Dear Ohio:

Not only do we have syndication in the works, but also a book publishing, record signing, and even upcoming movie! We'll be informing you in the next few months how all this is coming along.

Our book is tenatively entitled "The Doctor Is In (And So Is His Nurse): Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris Answer Questions About Many Problems: Whether Medical, Social, Relationshipal, or Chemical, They Answer Them All: A Collection of the Greatest Q&A's, Volume I (2007 Edition)" and subtitled "Fulfilling Your Prescription ... For Life!" This will be, naturally, our "best of" book. It's due to come out around the end of the year, so add that to your Christmas lists!

As for our recording deal, we're now signed with Smash Records, the same company that houses other artists such as Snoopy the Dogg, Jefferson Starplane, Nudacris, and the Smashing Pineapples. We're still debating what stage names we're going to use: our top candidates are "The Doktor and his Nurze," "N 'n N," and "N.E.L.L.O." Whichever we pick, we're planning on using one of the others for the title of the album. After we pick a name we'll probably pick a genre.

Our movie (which will come after we guest star in "Naked Death VIII: Murder, Au Naturel!") is based on the true story of how we started our profession of helping people, and will include our trip to the moon, winning the Nobel Peace Prize, and ending the Clone Wars.

As for splitting up, I would never never do that. (Am I emphasing the neverality by repeating the word, or secretly using a double negative to mean "not never"? I'm not sure myself.)

-- Dr. N

Specializing in Specieists

Recently we received two letters on the same subject. The first:

Dr. Nello:

Recently in a fierce Facebook debate about the relative worth of breeds of African swallows I was called a "specieist" by some crazy tree-hugging, termite-loving, baby-seal-spraypainting head case. What is a specieist? Is that even a word? I like to add words to the English language with the best of 'em, but this is too far past the lands of truthiness and wikiality for me to follow without some guidance. Can you tell me about ableism while you're at it?

Thanks!

-- Definitionly Deficient

And the second:

Dr. Nello:

My husband is a specieist. Can you help me?

-- Lost in Intersectionality

Dear Man and Wife: One might think you meant "speciesist" (with a total of three s's) which is defined as "[one who has] discrimination in favor of one species ... over another." But of course, there has been no such typo made, and "specieist" is actually a word of its own.

To understand the definition of specieist, we need to look at the root of the word, "specie." A specie, as eveyone knows, is a coin. And this "ist" part means "a person or member." Therefore by calling you a specieist, your wife is saying you are a "member of coins" ... that is, she's calling you greedy. She's asking me for help because you are money obsessed, and you're probably forsaking her good health and well being to hoard your shared bank account to yourself. In other words, you're a "boodlebulient"!

My recommendation to the poor wife: you should purchase your husband a cell phone. This will teach him a lesson.

"Ableism," meanwhile, means "discrimination against handicapped people" in the most common usage, but another, rarer definition is "discrimination against those named Able." This includes Abel from the Bible, the Kane is Able supply company, Abe "Ablie" Lincoln, the Association for Better Living and Education, and Able Bettis, the younger brother of Jerome "The Bus" Bettis. I hope she is not accusing you of this also, or else I think you should join the lesser known AA (Ableists Anonymous).

-- Dr. N

Put Thief In Jail

Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris:

My father often steals grapes from the grocery store. Not bags or bunches, but a sample snacker or two. This practice is both unsanitary and unethical, is it not?

I would estimate that through the years he has consumed about 800-1000 grapes that he has not paid for, and although in his mind he views this activity akin to squeezing a melon for ripeness, I can't believe that the grocer or the magistrate would agree.

What are my moral and civil obligations in this regard? Also, I recall hearing once that you can get paid to make a citizen's arrest ($200 or so); do you know if this is true?

-- Distraught in Dixie

Dear Dixie:

Bless you for your honestly. It's not easy to admit your parents are criminals, which your father certainly is. 800-1000 grapes is not just petty larceny, it's grand theft. It seems like your dad doesn't understand the magnitude of his crimes. He may very well put the grocery store out of business if he isn't stopped soon. He also may be spreading diseases to other innocent customers.

As for making a citizen's arrest, all states except North Carolina pay varrying amounts for your good deeds. Be warned though, if you feel your father is a dangerous man, I strongly recommend that you let the police handle him.

If you don't feel like you can have your own father arrested, I suggest counseling to help you sort out your feelings.

-- Nurse Chris

Grades, Games, and Girls

Dear Dr. Nello:

My grades in graduate school have been suffering ever since I subscribed to GameTap and got a girlfriend. Should I be worried that I have an A- average if my game play is at an all time high and my girlfriend is A++ hot? I need help!

-- C is for Confused

Dear Hay is for Horses:

I'm confused: you've subscribed to GameTap and also got a girlfriend? How is that possible? Unless of course you mean you've created a cybergirlfriend. I'm sorry to tell you that computer generated females do not count as legitimate partners. You should terminate the simulations immediately! I suggest getting in touch with "Bend." I think the two of you could benefit greatly from meeting. But after that get rid of your GameTap subscription. It's doing more harm than good.

As for your suffering grades, I'll let Nurse Chris answer.

-- Dr. N

Dear C:

The reason your grades are falling isn't because of too much game time, but rather too little. It's a proven fact that video games help improve hand-eye coordination which in turn will somehow help your studies. Dump the girl!!! "Women" = "rules agains video games." No girl, more games: higher grades.

If your grades continue to fall, I suggest counseling.

-- Nurse Chris

Looking For Love

Dear Dr. Nello & Nurse Chris:

My mother is worried that I will never get married because I'm already 25. Should I just settle for anyone at this point, or do I still have a chance at making a good match someday? Also, she has been vocal about her belief that I should only date guys within a small radius of where she lives. It seems to me that conflicts with her first wish of me marrying soon because it would restrict the possibilities. Furthermore it is complicated by the fact that I actually live 10 hours away from home, so I'm not even in that radius. What should I do?

-- Back in the Bend

P.S. What are your qualifications in the relationship department?

Dear Bend:

Your mother is rediculous. Plenty of people are older than 25 when they get hitched. Take for example Howard Marshall, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and Elizabeth Taylor. Even Demi Moore was 42 when she married Ashton Kutcher!

Let's be honest, though, you are past your prime, and you have slim pickings left. I'd suggest online dating. I'm not referring to eHarmony or DesperateForLove.com, but gamer websites like GameTap or MSN Zone. These sites are full of young, single men who would do anything for a girlfriend, and chances are very high that one lives near your mother. Believe it or not there are also mail-order husband catalogs; I'd suggest perusing these.

Supposing you are able to find a more suitable mate outside of these venues, I ask you why does the location of these men even matter to your mother? What I recommend is lying. When you meet a good man from far away, tell your mother that he really does live within ten miles, and even give her a phony address. If she looks him up on MapQuest and can't find it, tell her, "Oh, he lives in the country and is unlisted." If you give her an address that turns out to be real and she tries to visit him, say, "Oh, he just moved and I don't have his new address yet." If she gets suspicious just remind her of your advanving age and she'll stop pestering. This only has to last as long as the courtship. If after the wedding she discovers the truth, there's not much she can about it as you'll be out of her radius anyway.

There's something strangely consanguineous about your letter, so I'll have to inform you that I'm happily married to my beautiful wife. Sorry. But Nurse Chris may in fact turn out to be a man ...

-- Dr. N

Some Praise ...

Dr. Nello:

I was recently informed of your website a couple of days ago as I convalesced from a throat ailment. With time on my hands, I read several of your columns and in general was amused and somewhat informed, in particular on the subject of cats and diseases.

Mostly though, I think I spent time on your sight because of that sultry blonde nurse, whose eyes I felt following me from their postion on reflection on your cheap sunglasses. No matter where I stood in my kitchen (that is where my 'puter is) those eyes followed me. Whether behind the table, in front of the stove, or tucked inside the dishwasher, they traced my every move. I lept up -- and they followed me to my jump's very apex!

And unlike those of my wife, Mona Lisa or George Washington on the one-dollar bill, Nurse Chris's eyes don't seem tired and bored with me.

Nurse Chris, you can take my temperature any time! I bet you will find that I have a "fever," if you know what I mean.

-- Motor City Man

Dear Motor City Man:

I think you should save your flirtations until the official gender tests are returned, but nevertheless I am passing your letter on to Nurse Chris.

-- Dr. N

Dear Motor City Man:

As Dr. Nello said, I'm not ready for any sort of relationship until I know my own gender. And while I am grateful for the compliments, I do suggest counseling for you.

-- Nurse Chris

Some Criticism ...

Dear Quacker-Nello:

Is it true that you have never been to medical school, and are not even listed as having attended your local high school, except for some brief appearances after you supposedly were graduated with honors from a university somewhere west of Pittsburgh? Also it's been rumored that you appeared on stage at Carnegie Hall, were pelted with melons, and think you are earning some sort of advanced degree. Is there any truth to this? Oh, your poor sainted mother!

-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

None of what you claim is true, including the mother part. I have no mother.

-- Dr. N

Look For Signs of Appreciation

Dear Nurse Chris:

I'm not writing to the doctor anymore as he is very selective about which queries he'll answer. Actually, I make better question than he makes answer. So to you, the compassionate nurse Chris, I ask this question. I have a friend (let's call her "Mary"); she is very sweet and wise and full of advice, but her children won't even listen to, much less implement, her wisdom. A shame, as she could be the moral Dear Abbey or the polite Dr. Laura. I know that the real loss is on the part of those foolish whelps of hers, but in general, is there a way for parents to pass on their wisdom and know before they die that their children have listened to them? Wouldn't it help on so many levels? Imagine a world where fools could learn other than in the hard school of experience. This problem is not new to my friend, it has its root in ancient times. As that wise King Lear said, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!"

-- All's Not Well in Endwell

Dear Endwell:

Many parents don't realize how much their children really do appreciate and learn from them. I can almost guarantee problem is Mary's own fault. It is not in style for kids today to outwardly express their thanks to their parents, so Mary needs to look deeper to see that her children are learning from her. Has Mary even noticed her children eating the food that she made? If so, that's probably their way of saying, "Thanks mom, we really have learned a lot from you."

If Mary still cannot see how grateful her children really are, I suggest she seek counseling, with or without her children.

-- Nurse Chris

It's Not Just Your Voice

Dear Nurse Chris:

My voice is very annoying and people don't like to listen to it. Also, I don't tell good stories or funny jokes and yet I always feel the need tell a lot of them when I'm in a crowd. My psychaitrist suggested not talking at all but that didn't help; my mouth is too big and words inevitably escape. I am considering either getting voice lessons or gluing my mouth shut. What do you recommend?

-- Cat Should Have My Tongue

P.S. I hope your test went well! Was it enjoyable?

Dear Chubby & Ugly:

My advice is this, always carry some celery with you. Every time you have the urge to speak just shove some in. Plus, chewing celery can help you lose some much un-needed pounds.

Gender test are always a pain.

-- Nurse Chris