Comments Blocked

Doc:

I have been having trouble posting comments on your site. This is a problem because although I am extremely clever (I make myself laugh all the time) I also am very forgetful. This is an asset at times, such as when I watch a rerun of a mystery show, like Sherlock Holmes; the ending is always a surprise for me. However, when I write a comment and then can't post it, I promptly forget what I've said and may not be quite as clever the next time. Can you please fix your site so that none of my cleverness is lost?

Have you asked your mom to fill in for nurse Chris in his/her absence? Or is she over-qualified?

-- Frustrated in My Own Mind

Dear FiMom:

You probably just got blocked by our SpaMomKiller software, which prevents junk posts from reaching our inboxes (generally friend requests, advertisements, and posts about mothers). Unfortunately, the occasional junk post will slip by, and other times good posts are misinterpreted as junk messages. We did recently upgrade our software, so hopefully this has solved your problem.

As for Nurse Chris, Nurse Chris and I are currently discussing Nurse Chris's position as my assistant (due mainly to reader pleas). As previously reported, Dr. Fello has been hired on a temporary basis, and his first email response is expected soon. However, before any final decisions are made regarding Nurse Chris, there's quite a line of other applicants that require my attention.

-- Dr. N

Ffuts Yadhtrib Erom

Dear Doctor:

I am turning 18 next Friday and I am worried sick about it for several reasons. Reason one is that for my 16th and 17th birthdays my parents neglected to buy me a car and they have already let me know that I shouldn't expect one. Now some people may think that they are just telling me that so they can surprise me, but my parents have never been the kind of people for pleasant surprises. Should I just leave my parents and go live on my own? I understand you may not be able to answer this part of my letter because you yourself never had a mother.

Secondly, I am supposed to go away to college in the fall and, to put it frankly, I am not very smart. I have been able get by at the community college this year by buying papers, answers to tests and other such aids, but I cannot afford to continue this.

My third problem is that I can't get a girlfriend and probably never will be able to. I have no idea why though, as I am devilishly handsome and have a great personality. At first I thought my bed wetting and non-showering habits were the problem, but that would just be ridiculous. I thought maybe getting in shape would help me out, and I have tried the body spray by BOD called "Really Ripped Abs," but after 6 months I don't even have a six-pack! Is there anything I can do? And please, don't recommend religious life, they have already told me they would never accept me.

-- Running Out of Time

Dear Running:

At first I was afraid that I didn't answer this letter in time, but then I saw you said you turn 18 on Friday. This is ironic; did you realize that your birthday is the day after Nurse Chris's? When Friday comes, though, have a birthday! (A friend recently informed me that you should never say "have a happy birthday" because then you are forcing the person to have a happy one, and telling someone how to have their day is just rude.)

Your parents are completely unfair, but they are probably also old and therefore "not all there," which is a polite way of saying "crazy." However, this also means they are easily overwhelmed. Try reverse psychology on them. It works like this: record yourself saying "buy me a car" on a tape and softly play it backwards on a loop while they're sleeping. Walk backwards when you are around them, even wear your clothes backwards. Eventually your parents will look into a mirror, and everything that was backwards will suddenly become clear. The subliminal messages you played for them will be associated with your strange behavior, and they'll buy you a vehicle. (This really works, "em tsurt!" Oot, rac a em yub dna.)

You said you get by in college by paying your way, but are running out of money: if you've already eschewed ethics, why not turn to stealing? This way you'll never run out of money, and if you plan on transferring to a university, this will help with the rising tuition costs.

For the girlfriend deal, you have two options. First, try switching to TAG or AXE: their commercials promise quick results. Or, you could rethink what shape it is you're trying to get in. Have you considered a rhombus, a hexagon or even a dodecahedron? Some women prefer men with such original, creative shapes.

Hope I got 1 outta 3 right.

-- Dr. N

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NURSE CHRIS

Today is Nurse Chris's 18th birthday ... which may possibly lead to a rehirement ... a temporary rehirement ... possibly ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOCTOR NELLO

Today is Doctor Nello's 22nd birthday! Woo-hoo!

Oh what a joyous day! Here are a few of the wonderful things that happened:

The Facebook Team sent me a message: "From all of us on The Facebook Team, have a great day!"

Justinespired put up a special post.

I got six birthday cards!

Lots of presents ... refrigerator magnets, Cream of Wheat, mac'n'cheese, a stuffed dog, and Bacardi coconut rum.

My brother, my sister and her kids and a few friends came over for tacos, cupcakes and karaoke ... and I sold some gold records!

At midnight I passed the birthday torch on to Nurse Chris (see post above).

-- Dr. N

Dr. Fello

Dear Dr. Nello:

Let me introduce myself. I'm your fellow doctor, Dr. Fello. I'm actually a vet and I'm a friendly fellow to every animal (except dogs, let's just say I don't like them).

I found your blog while looking up some animalian diseases on DrMedipedia. I've always agreed with your advice you give to people, even though I've only been accustomed to working with animals. Since you fired Nurse Chris, I thought it would be a good time to introduce myself and hopefully become your trustworthy assistant! Please let me know what your decision is (I hope I'm your top candidate). If you want reach me by phone, call 1-800-DR-FELLO.

-- Dr. Fello

Dear Dr. Fello:

I do not wish to reach you by phone, but ... well, seeing as I haven't had any other acceptable applicants yet, I think I might go ahead and give you a trial run. I'll be forwarding you an email in the next couple days; your performance in answering it will determine whether I hire you full-time or terminate you.

I mean, terminate your position.

-- Dr. N

Moochers

Dr. Nello:

I live with some friends in an apartment, and usually things go fine. Lately, though, there's been an issue with food. We all pretty much buy our own food and label it (I always write funny things, like "I am cooler than all of you, and this bacon is mine"). I thought this only applied to food we bought and that leftovers didn't need such nomenclature. Well, I guess I was wrong. A friend baked me a pie, and I had a few slices. I went to eat it for breakfast the next morning and it was gone! All day today I was thinking about how wonderful my hamburger + macaroni and cheese was going to taste for dinner, seeing as I missed lunch; I checked the fridge and that too had been eaten! Now I would just label this stuff but it's usually in non-label-able containers. What do you suggest?

-- Empty Stomach

Dear Empty Stomach:

You would think everyone would know the unwritten rule of "Thou shalt not eat thy roommates food" and its corollary, "If thou must eat thy roommates food, make sure what you take is unnoticeable and NEVER take the last of something." As you have now come to understand, though, there are plenty of ignorant housemates out there. You've made a step in the right direction with labeling the food you can, but for the food you cannot, I recommend poison.

Not necessarily fatal poison but just something that will make the consumer nauseous. You'll have to sacrifice some of your leftovers but this will be well worth it. He who taketh your food now will surely learn his lesson. Another (less painful and also less fun) option is to purchase some green food coloring and make it appear that your food is moldy (or look like vegetables, both ways are good deterrents). Eventually your roommates will catch on, though, and it's also possible they'll throw your "moldy" food away.

Of course, you could just sit down with your roommates and discuss your feelings on this issue, but I think that's a stupid idea.

-- Dr. N

What's Up, Doc?

Doctor Nello:

You fired Nurse Chris ... why? What will become of your blog now? What will become of your movie/book/music deals? Are you hiring?

-- Akon Serndreeder

Dear Akon:

I am quite aware April Fool's is only on April 1st. It is Nurse Chris who is the fool!

Nurse Chris's inbox was overflowing with unanswered letters, and I needed Nurse Chris to answer these before I could post any myself. I repeatedly sent Nurse Chris memos, warnings and email forwards, but nothing seemed to work. Nurse Chris had to be let go.

The blog will still be the same extremely helpful advice column it's always been. I might someday get around to removing all the images of Nurse Chris scattered throughout this page, but that requires a lot of photoshop editing, which is not a top priority to me right now.

"Naked Death 8" will still be released, but the future of our autobiographictional movie is unclear. My attorneys, Nurse Chris and I are working on the book: we might split it into two separate books or bump up the release date. As for music, we were going to reveal information about our new band, but I am too frustrated right now to even think about how great N'n'N would have been.

I am actually looking for a new assistant (blogging is a lot of work!), and I'm going to post my specifications shortly. I can tell you this, though: I will not be hiring any mothers or gender-confused individuals.

-- Dr. N

APRIL FOOLS!

Apparently Dr. Nello didn't realize that April Fools Day is only supposed to be on April 1st, not the whole month! Everyone knows the site would crumble without the Nurse.

NURSE CHRIS FIRED!

Nurse Chris is no longer employed by Dr. Nello.

Dr. Nello says: "Nurse Chris was incredibly lazy when it came to this blog. Nurse Chris is un-assistantlike and un-American. I apologize to the few who are offended by this news, but this is something I should have done a long time ago."

It is unclear whether Dr. Nello will be hiring a new assistant to fill Nurse Chris's role. Check back for more updates.