Media Bloggers Association

Dr. Nello:


When you join the HBS Class of 2013, how will you introduce yourself to your new classmates?


-- Harvey Ard, Dean of the University

Dear Harv:


Normally, when I introduce myself, I go by my nickname "Franz." However, when I join HBS'11, I'm going by my full name, Franziskaner. I prefer Franziskaner, but saying "Dr. Franziskaner O'Nello" is quite a mouthful, which is why I simplify it to "Franz Nello."


Now that I'm taking the next life step towards yet another degree, I want to be seen as mature and grown up. Gone are the days of tormenting nephews, forcing them on scary ferris wheels. No more crazy haircuts. Definitely won't be hanging out with these two.


JUST KIDDING. Of course I'll be my same awesome self, but I will be going by Franziskaner.


-- Dr. N

Calisthenics Consult

Dear Dr Nello:


I'm starting some new jazzercises, and my company sent out a safety message saying we need to consult our physicians before starting any new routines. I don't have my own doctor right now, so I'm asking if I can consult you.


Basically my exercise routine can be summed up by these photos.


What's your advice?


-- Jake Boddiebuy

Dear Jake:


What I see looks good, you're off to a great start. Some recommendations:


You have an exercise ball, now get a medicine ball. These are fun to throw at unsuspecting friends because medicine balls are deceptively heavy. If you can't afford one, or aren't strong enough to lift one, buy a regular bouncy ball and pop some pills. (My favorite drug is Vicodin, and I can sell you some if you want. Act fast, it expires in 2012!)


Grunt, grunt, grunt. Not only will this help you get that extra oomph you need, it will let everyone know how strong you think you are, and that counts for something.


Cardio! Take a spinning class, which I'm pretty sure is where you put your arms out and spin around in circles like a top. Other good workouts include Xtreme Hopscotch, keyboarding and power sitting. You can also elevate your heart rate by watching a scary movie like "Bambi III: Man's Revenge."


Good luck.


-- Dr. N

Helpful Haikus

Dear Lady PhiPhi:


My Happy Hour last night turned unhappy when my friends put me to be in charge of organizing a group trip to a place of ill moral repute. I suppose I might be willing to compromise my principles if they wanted this event on a Saturday, but they're looking to go on Tuesday night. What should I do?


-- Sad Sir at a Mad Mex

Sad Sir:


Why are you upset?
Morals are overratted
But here's some advice.


Instead of the club
Lead them to the library
A quite clever trick!


Claim an allergy
To smut and stupidity
If you are too weak.


This problem, your friends
There can be one solution:
Kiss them or kill them.


-- Lady PhiPhi

WAOSCI

Doctor Nello:

Can you please tell me if your office provides non-invasive type treatments for wrinkles, anti-aging, and other skin care issues?


Thanks in advance.


-- Eric Kusher, CT

Dear Eric:


We pride ourselves in having the #2 least invasive WAOSCI treatment center in the country, behind only James Hopkins (younger brother of John, curse him!). Only seven patients have "not come out of surgery alive" the entire time we've been in business, giving us a non-death success rate that rounds up to 90% (when rounding up to the nearest 90%).


Let me give you some examples of how we take care of WAOSCI.


Wrinkles: we use state-of-the-art irons to smooth out unsightly wrinkles. Our secret technique? Using round irons instead of flat irons you'd find at most dermatology practices (dermatologists, like chiropractors, being fake "doctors").


Anti-aging: using a blend of all natural, organic ingredients in our trademarked recipe, we've developed a special concoction that, when ingested, is guaranteed to take years off your life!


Other Skin Care Issues: this is where we really put the "ninvasi" in "non-invasive!" Take, for example, a patient with small melanoma on the tip of his nose. Most surgeons would invade the nasus from the outside, leaving a pockmark, a hurt nose-tip, and quite possibly severe damage to the patient's psyche after such a terrifying procedure! At our practice, however, we specialize in internal medicine -- that is, we approach the nose from the inside. Making a minor incision through the back, about 10" wide, we insert a series of tubes and coils on a path through the entire circulatory and lymphatic systems. Using an inversion table, electrodes and holistic hallucinogens, there are several more steps, but I don't want to give away all our surprises! Just know that in the end, that mole is gone and the patient is statistically likely to be fully alive.


If a patient desires, we offer free tattooing to disguise scarred tissue due to the surgery. For example, we can add extra curves to the patient's back, turning the scar into a second butt. And who doesn't want a second butt?


I hope, by answering your questions, you strongly consider our practice for your WAOSCI needs!


-- Dr. N

LadyNurse

Dear Doctor:


I often correct people when their behavior is inappropriate, making bad career moves, watching stupid TV shows or saying "where are you at?" instead of "where are you?".


I like to think this makes me a caring person, but lately I've been called "judgmental." Is this true? Is what I'm doing wrong?


Also, I want to point out that you really should have posted Part IV to your 4th Anniversary. What gives?


-- Care Bear

Dear CB:


Part of your problem, I'm guessing, is that you are not saying "no offense ..." when you correct people. This is a very important phrase; it commands the listener to not take offense at what you are saying. It is illegal for someone to be offended by your correction.


The other part of your problem is that you are not embracing the joys of judgmentalism. It's fun to rank yourself superior to others! One of my favorite forms of judging is silent judging (it can be deadly).


Judging is led me to the missing Nurse Chris, by the way...


To make a long story short, I was reprising my usual role judging the 52nd Miss Semi-Beauty Pageant/Triathalon in Kazakhstan. An oddly-shaped contestant arrived on stage, introduced as Lady PhiPhi. Mumbling "Baby I was born this way, baby I'm a firework, so raise you're glass because I'm freaking perfect," she sang such a beautiful ode to the days of the week.



We we we we were all moved to tears, but there was something familiar about this golden-voiced brunette. Turns out Nurse Chris has been living a double life as the nouveau diva Lady PhiPhi, and has decided, for the time being, to continue his career in music and extend his hiatus from my practice. While I'm saddened to be without my business partner of four years, I wish him the best in his endeavors. I also judge him for his insistence on dressing like a woman.


(4th Anniversary: Part IV is delayed till April for our 4 Year, 3 Month, 2 Week, 1 Day Anniversary.)


-- Dr. N