HAPPY 20th, NURSE CHRIS

20 years of great hair.

HAPPY 24th, DR NELLO

24 years of greatness.

Nurse Chris Gets 'Round to Answering Old Letters

Below, Nurse Chris answers some letters from 2007. He apologizes to the writers for taking so long to reply; he was busy ...

Dr. Nello (AND NURSE CHRIS):

Is there a connection between being physically unattractive and being mentally ill? I ask because there seems to be a high percentage of individuals with repulsive bodies who like to wear shirts and pants with slogans claiming to be some sort of hot commodity. [Continue reading...]

-- Concerned After Standing in Line Behind a Man Who Had a List of "Firefighter Pickup Lines" on His Shirt but a Face that Made Me Throw Up a Little in My Mouth

Dear Thrower-Upper:

Yes, I do believe in a correlation between unattractiveness and mental illness. I also believe that you are ugly because ugly people notice each other more. I think, to balance your ugliness, you should get a t-shirt with flirtatious phrases like "Spare Tire" or "I Went to Law School."

You could also try counseling.

-- The Nursenator

Dear Dr. Nello & Nurse Chris:

My mother is worried that I will never get married because I'm already 25. Should I just settle for anyone at this point, or do I still have a chance at making a good match someday? [Continue reading...]

-- Back in the Bend

Dear Bend Over Backwards:

I recommend Joe Kennedy. He is such a nice boy, and you'd never know he was homeschooled for church.

However, if you don't want to do that, you should stay at home with your mom. In your saintly senescent mother's old age, dress as a swan and let your mother feed you. This way you both will be happy; you won't have to find someone and your mom will have you in the area. Who knows, you may even find your own swannie.

And last, but not least, try counseling.

-- nurCe

Hey Fatso

Dr. Nello:

Are you thinking of losing weight? You don't need to kill yourself over that fat belly.

-- Jarrett Meyers

Dear Jarrett:

Ouch! I wasn't thinking of losing weight until I got this email. Am I really that fat? I have stopped shaving recently to hide my double chin, but I didn't think I had let myself go that much. I hope I'm not headed towards morbid obesity like Nurse Chris!

I suppose I need to give myself some advice on this problem. I don't think the "Ask the Dr. Chris" weight loss video would help (it apparently didn't do much for Nurse Cellulite). Amputation would lead to a lower number on the scale, but I'd like to keep what remaining appendages I have. The only option left is dieting.

There are so many fad diets out there, how am I to know which one is the right one? The answer, of course, is disgorging. And what better way to do that than to spend a month in China eating goose necks and chicken claws? I'm bound to get sick and throw up after eating that gross stuff.

I'll have to prepare for my trip by eating plenty of mandarin oranges. I'll probably head over there sometime this summer, and when I get back, I'll be half the size of my adipose assistant (eg, normal sized).

Once again, I am not nearly as pudgy as Nurse Chunky.

-- Dr. N