Real Real Estate

Dr. Nello:

I put my apartment online to attract potential renters, but I suspect that I may be getting scam emails. There's a Swedish mail-order bride, a British paleontologist, a chemist father and a blind and cripple teacher. While they've all provided plenty of background and guarantees, there's just something phishy about it. How can I tell if I can trust them or not?

[All the original letters can be found here.]

-- Moving, USA

Dear Moving:

What I'd suggest is that you write back to the posters making fun of them. Insult everything about them, especially spelling and grammar, appearances and weight, and lifestyle choices. If it's truly a scam they won't bother responding to you, and if it turns out to be real, you can apologize and explain that you were merely testing them for security reasons. They'll understand.

-- Dr. N

"Pretty" Clothes and Ugly People, Pt. 1

Dr. Nello (AND NURSE CHRIS):

Is there a connection between being physically unattractive and being mentally ill? I ask because there seems to be a high percentage of individuals with repulsive bodies who like to wear shirts and pants with slogans claiming to be some sort of hot commodity. Generally the slogan itself is strategically placed so as to draw your attention to a "problem area" of theirs. Even when it is not placed poorly though, the nature of the words just begs you to critique their beauty (or rather, lack thereof). Most of these people have ugly faces, too. I can only conclude that they have some mental deficiency. Why else would they do this?

-- Concerned After Standing in Line Behind a Man Who Had a List of "Firefighter Pickup Lines" on His Shirt but a Face that Made Me Throw Up a Little in My Mouth.

Dear CASILBAMWHALOFPLOHSBAFTMMTUALIMM:

The study of logovestusbellus delusion, or the confusion of "clothes with words make me pretty," is rather recent territory to be mined. However, with the rise of A&F, it is spreading at an alarming rate. My favorite example of LD was a girl with the word "Juicy" written across her derrière. I believe she was trying to degrade herself a la Sir Mix-a-Lot, but to Nurse Chris and I it just reminded us of liquid flatulences. Similarly, my sister spotted a female "Money Maker" whose income probably fell flat of what she expected.

But as you pointed out, males are not immune to this plight. Sometimes it's just innocuous yet stupid, like pointing out a "Gun Show" when the wearer has peashooters rather than bazookas, or proclaim the dirty deeds committed by the individual (like "I Fell in the Mud" when it's obvious he didn't).

Is there a mental deficiency connection? You would think an intelligent person would realize that wearing clothes with words don't make you beautiful, clothes that are expensive make you beautiful. But it's possible that the wearer doesn't actually believe that he/she possesses the qualities shis clothes proclaim, but wish to attract stupid people who read the word "Hottie" and assume that the shirt must be telling the truth even if shis eyes deceive shim.

While these nonmatching slogans and bodies make you vomit, just remember: wouldn't it be worse if they weren't wearing any clothes at all?

-- Dr. N

PS. Nurse Chris will add shis comments shortly (for those not familiar with the Beijing+5 type thinking, "shis" is the indeterminant gender possessive adjective; likewise "shim" corresponds to "her/him").

AUGUST ALREADY?

Where does the time go? We meant to answer so many posts during the month of July, but I guess we just fell behind. Here's a few rushed responses. Hopefully they're up to caliber.

Also, Dr. Jello had a birthday recently that we'd like to announce now (her b-day was 7/22). To make it up to her, we're going to have a very special "13+ years" post coming soon. And hopefully "soon" means this month.

Sincerely,
The Staff

[This was originally a Harry Potter post, but that was supposed to be a joke. I was going to delete it but since it got two comments, I decided to just change it.]

Doctor Nello to Inherit from a Not-A-Scam

[Note: This letter has been shortened; to see the original, click here.]
Greetings:

I am Mr. Douglas Gireme, an Accountant with Stanbic Bank Plc Lagos, Nigeria; I am also the personal Account Manager to Engr. George Woods, a Citizen of your country and a civil engineering Contractor with Halifax Petroleum Products Servicing Company in my country. On the 22nd of October 2005, Engr. George Woods was involved in a plane crash of Bellview Airlines Boeing 737 flight 210. All 117 passengers on board including Engr. George Woods, his Wife and their 3 children were killed in the fatal crash, shortly after take-off from Lagos.

Since then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to locate any of His extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several Unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of His family but to no avail, hence I contacted you. I got your contact from a Web directory I got from your embassy. I am his personal account manager of his account in my bank. The account is valued at about US$11 Million Dollars and it is due to be declared unserviceable by my bank by the end of next month since it has been inactive and unclaimed by anyone for more than 20 calendar months.

I am contacting you to assist in repatriating the money in addition to the estate property left behind by the late Engr. George. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over a year now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the George Woods, so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$11 million dollars can be paid to you, and then you and I can share the money 50% each. I will provide you with some of the Basic documents that the bank will expect you to have as a TRUE next of kin to Engr. George. This includes the Certificate of deposit for the money, Death Certificate and the Index Code number for the Account. An attorney will be contracted to help revalidated and notarize all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we you make.

All I require is your honesty; Sincerity and Cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this transaction will be executed under due legitimate procedures that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my email to Enable us discuss further and also send your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

-- Mr. Douglas Gireme, Esq

Mr. Grimy:

What bittersweet news: I can inherit wealth from the horrible death of someone I've never met. And there is clearly no way this is a scam because no lawyer who would fake a next-of-kin claim would be dishonest. I think your offer to split the money 50-50 is very fair and I'll be in touch with you shortly. Thanks again!

-- Dr. N

Marriage Woes

Doctor Nello:

My parents are very old and perhaps this is just their senility, but they like to argue over such minor events like what kind of bread is bought for Sunday brunch or what color the bookshelves should be. Their constant bickering is affecting my whole family: my brother cries himself to sleep each night and my sister ran away to Ugly Fat Horse Camp. My parents have been married for 36 years but I fear that number might not increase. I want my daddy to please stop yelling and my mommy to please stop crying. What can I do?

-- Child, Living in World War III

Dear Child:

It would be a horrible shame if your parents don't make it to their next anniversary; you must convince them that murder is not the answer. While this may seem like a daunting task, you should know that Nurse Chris and I actually run a marriage counseling. It is a three day retreat we call "Bat Out of Hell IV: Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris's Marriage Counseling."

Day 1 is an arduous journey. We begin with "Starvation Vacation," which teaches them to appreciate each other's cooking, continue with "The Quiet Game", which teaches them communication skills through duct tape, and conclude with "Trial By Fire" (this is more for the entertainment of the staff). Day 2 has three choice games: "Apology or Leprosy," a game in which the spouse can choose to apologize or suffer from disease, "Compromise or Someone Dies," which works on negotiation skills, and "Forgive or Don't Live," which teaches reconciliation. If days 1 and 2 have not solved the couple's problems, Day 3, with our super secret patented method definitely will.

If you'd like to sign your parents up the cost is a very low price of $10k, and the value of saving your parents marriage is priceless.

-- Dr. N

Flies and Lies

Doc:

I live in an apartment with some other guys, and because it's summer they like to leave the front door open to cool the place down. There's also a window open in the upstairs bathroom. We don't have screens, though, and I noticed we started getting some flies in the house. We were all gone this past weekend and when we came back there were dozens of flies. I tried explaining to my roommates that part of the reason we had a lot of flies was because of the open door and window, but they've told me that's impossible. (They've also said that bugs are not attracted to light, and that opening another window will cause them all to fly away.) If these flies did not come in through the door and the window, how did they appear?

-- Dan Bird, Pennsylvania

Dear Dan:

I have two words for you: spontaneous generation. Or if you prefer one word, abiogenesis. This was first hypothesized by Aristotle and has only been reaffirmed throughout the years. Spontaneous generation occurs when inanimate substances, like rotting meat, magically transforms into bugs. What probably happened was before you left, someone left some meat out, and when you came back it turned into the swarm of flies. My recommendation is that you leave a block of cheese out: this will turn into frogs, which will then eat your flies.

-- Dr. N

N'n'N TIP TO THE TOP

In it's sixth week, N'n'N's single "Still Tippin' (Cows)" overtakes Rihanna on the Billboard Hot 100 to claim the #1 spot. Billboard magazine ranks the most popular songs in the US based on sales and airplay, so this is a pretty major feat. Congrats to the Doc and Nurse!