Clearing Coffee, Pt. 2

Nurse Kris:

My mom is always clearing my coffee cups, and most of the time they're still half full. She's obsessive about putting my mugs in the dishwasher, she will even go so far as to take a cup I drinking out of my hands. Her behavior is out of control and I'm thinking that the only solutions are to move out (at the early age of 23) or to put her in a home (whose home exactly I don't know, maybe the neighbors?). Please weigh in with your thoughts.

-- Maxwell House

Dear Mad Max:

Sounds like your mother is what we call a Mother Always Ridding Your Cups Away Viciously In Numbers, often called a MARYCLAVIN. This disorder is common in middle aged women looking half their age who have had 10 or more children. They get so accustomed to clearing cups and dishes while their family is growing, that when their children are old enough to clear things on their own, they clear every cup in sight to compensate for the work they are used to.

Fortunately there are solutions to your problem. First you could move out like you suggested, but then you would have to buy your own food. While this may mean your soft tacos will be large and plentiful on taco night, overall it's not a plus.

You could also stop drinking, but that's probably not healthy, so I would suggest acquiring what I like to call, an "evermug." An evermug is simply a coffee mug that you super glue to your hand so no one will ever be able to clear it again! However, you will lose most of the use in whichever hand you glue the mug to.

So in the end I would most strongly support counseling. Hopefully you will be able to understand your mother's problem and learn to deal with having to grab a new mug every now and then. God speed.

-- Da N

Clearing Coffee, Pt. 1

Doctor:

I have a son who is taller than Abe Lincoln yet is always whining when he leaves his coffee cups all over the house -- sometimes for days -- and they get cleared to the sink or dishwasher. Do you think because of his height he has his head in the clouds, or that he's a slob, or that his mother's helpfulness is just plain unappreciated? Would it be best if he gave notice and moved to another state in the next two weeks?

-- Just Curious in Endwell

Dear Curious: Have you spoken to your son about these coffee cups? Most likely he plans on reusing the cup before washing (saving you on your water bill), and this is behavior for which you should commend him. He might also be trying follow the new trend of "going green" by growing mold in his cups. If his cup is left out for a few days, he may have just grown a new art project, replacement facial hair for alpaca patients, or even a cure for some deadly disease like Spontanteous dental hydroplosion!

It is also possible that your son simply has not finished his coffee and would like to drink it before you clear it, and doesn't want anyone touching his Carnegie Mellon mug anyway. Maybe you should move out.

(Alpaca or alopecia, I always get those two confused. Alcapulco?)

-- Dr. N

The Shortest Post

Docandnurse:

Is this thing [the message box above] working yet?

-- Lady Gaga

Dear U:

Yes.

-- Dr. N

THE REASON FOR THE TIMER, NEW COLORS

Causerie on Curses

Deere Doctor:

There's a curse on my house or my family or something, and it's bad. Every Saturday, someone gets seriously injured fingerwise. First my brother nearly chopped his fingertip off, then my other brother sliced his finger on a shard of glass. But there's more to the curse than just that! My first brother injured his index finger, and my second brother hurt his middle finger. Naturally, the next finger to go is the digitus medicinalis, the ring finger!

Obviously curses are real, so I'm scared redunculously that I'm next. At the same time, I have a glimmer of hope. I noticed that the injuries have only occurred when my brothers were home alone doing chores. I'll be cleaning Friday but not Saturday, as I'm going to my cousin's wedding out of town. Also, the first affliction was severe enough to warrant a trip to the ER, but the second wasn't quite as serious. I hope this means that the next incident will be very minor.

What do you think of my predicament? Am I safe as long as I stay out of town? If not, what can I do to break this curse (instead of my finger)?

-- Distraught over Doom of Digit

Dear D°D°D:

If movies such as "The Ring" or "Final Destination" have taught us anything, it's that stupid horror films make for more stupid sequels. Something else we can learn from them is that curses can't be avoided but then can be overcome.

First, let's examine what's likely to happen. The first two injuries were just a taste of the awfulness that is about to come. The damage will not be less, it will be far greater than before. (I'm thinking your finger will explode, or liquefy, or become a hotdog.) It will occur on Saturday, whether you are home or not, because "home is where the fart is." You are correct that it will be the ring finger, and luckily there are some options.

You can battle, trick or transfer the curse. Battling the curse will involve extensive research to see what its origin is and will likely involve a confrontation with the Goblin King and dramatic shouting of "You have no power over me." You might try tricking the curse by wearing a foam finger or something similar (but this could backfire if the foam finger spontaneously ignites). Finally, you can transfer the curse by getting another family member to do a chore on Saturday and saying the magic words "ishyha maka." Be careful, though, and don't blame me if your cousin's finger falls off while she's cutting the cake.

Let me know how it goes, if you can still type.

-- Dr. N