WHO KILLED NURSE CHRIS

As the murder investigation of the beloved Nurse Chris continues, we will be reporting any discoveries and accusations on a new blog, whokillednursechris.blogspot.com, and reserve this blog for the usual posts.

LETTER, CLUES DISCOVERED IN NURSE'S BEDROOM

Nurse Chris's body was found dead in her bedroom in early August with a screwdriver piercing her right temple. Several clues have been discovered that may implicate suspects as police continue to solve her mysterious and grizzly murder.

The most prominent clue so far was a letter addressed to "You Filthy Man-Woman Slob." It was apparently from a former employee of Dr. Nello's who felt "brushed aside [by the doctor] in favor of a tramp ... with the intelligence of a decapitated sewer rat and the odor of an unwashed Siamese monkey fish." It was signed "Your Fellow, Doctor Fello."

Pittsburgh police believe that this letter may be from the unpopular Doctor Francis J. Fello, a former employee fired by Dr. Nello this summer for not writing posts on schedule. Nurse Chris was notorious (and fired) for also not posting on time, but was rehired. Meanwhile, the forgettable Dr. Fello has not been rehired.

Police have named Dr. Fello a murder suspect, but stress that he is a "person of disinterest."

Police have also promised a report due tomorrow on other clues and suspects, with "an exciting twist you never saw coming!"

Fuddy Duddy

Hello Dr. Nello:

I have an awkward brother and a pushy sister who cannot find love despite both having experienced some academic success. My mother worries for my sister, I worry for my brother, and my father, well, he is too busy stealing grapes one at a time from the grocery store and overcooking bacon to really notice anything.

I have recently heard a rumor that my brother and sister, both conscious that they may never find someone to accept them for who they really are, have toyed with the idea of becoming each other's "safeties." Shall the Hapsburg Jaw replace the Clavin forehead as our family crest? Is there anything to do here?

-- Rightful Claimant Of Father's Wealth Upon His Death

Dear Primogenitor:

I've always believed the best way to prevent inbreeding is to ban country music, but you have presented another challenge to the notion of non-consanguinity. As you have so expressed your concern for your siblings, I have no doubt that you've already tried playing matchmaker, such as using your children to introduce your brother to homely Protestant girls on the beach or outright asking your sister in front of company why she wants to be an old maid.

However, you have other options. For your brother: many mail-order bride companies are now accepting orders from anonymous donors. For your sister: mail-order bride companies might hire your sister if you send them her resume.

Another option is to make them extremely competitive against each other, which will inspire them to beat the other to getting married. Tell one that his graduate school is more highly ranked than his sister, and tell the other that her school is more religious than her brother's. But make sure that you still look better than either of them: tell them both that you have more degrees than them and your school was more religious than either of them.

-- Dr. N

PS. I have a feeling that although your siblings are unmarried, your brother has more hair than you and your sister ... well, she might have more facial hair than you.

BOMB FOUND IN NELLO'S OLD APARTMENT, LINK TO NURSE CHRIS

With the tragic murder of the beloved Nurse Chris still under investigation, a discovery made today suggests that his/her death may have been part of a plot to kill Dr. Nello as well.

Dr. Nello recently upgraded to a penthouse in nearby luxury apartments, moving out of his old Pittsburgh residence in mid-August. The three current female tenants were clearing out the basement (which contained items left from the tenants before Dr. Nello) when they discovered a 12 oz. bottle of nitroglycerin. A firetruck, several police cars, a paramedic van and a bomb squad were called in to remove the explosive while the apartment and its surrounding homes were evacuated.

Lab analysis revealed that the nitroglycerin had only partially crystalized. A fully crystalized sample could have detonated at the slightest movement, but in its partially crystalized state, it was still deadly. Knocking or dropping the bottle could crack it, which as one paramedic put it, could have "blown up the place. You'd be dead."

The bottle was discovered last week, but although it is labelled "NITROGLYCERIN" the current tenants were unaware of its danger until today, when they called the police.

It is unclear who placed the explosive in the basement, if it was intended to kill Dr. Nello, or if it has any relationship to the Nurse Chris murder. Dr. Nello says of the discovery, "I'm lucky to be alive. To think, I did laundry in that basement several times and could have accidentally used [the bottle of nitroglycerin], mistaking it for detergent. To be sure, those damn spots would be out, but I'd also be dead."

If indeed the bomb was meant for Dr. Nello, it seems the potential killer was unaware that Dr. Nello had moved.

Dr. Nello did accused some individuals of using the nitroglycerin to construct meth labs in his basement, including his archrival Dear Flabby. He later retracted these claims when it was pointed out that nitroglycerin is, in fact, not used in meth labs. His credibility as a doctor was briefly questioned, but these doubts were dispelled when he proved he must be a real doctor as his name is, after all, "Doctor" Nello.

The bottle was marked with the letters "JS," which was thought to have stood for "JustineSpired" but was later proved to be the letters "US" in "VERY DANGEROUS." (The ink on the "U" was partially faded, resembling a "J.")

[For more information, check out my new second blog at http://hereinpittsburgh.blogspot.com/.]

SAD NEWS

I haven't posted in over a month because I've been mourning the passing of a dear friend. Nurse Chris was found August 5th with a screwdriver in Nurse Chris's head. The death is still being investigated. -- Dr. N