Dear Dr. Nello:When my husband goes to work, I go to the neighbor's and bring a kitten home for the day. This has been going on for several weeks, and I'm afraid that there might be talk in the neighborhood. The sweet thing is a stray and needs a home.
This is the closest I've gotten to cheating on my husband and I like it -- a lot. Do you think I would be a good candidate for having an affair? Please advise.
-- Married to an Ogre
Dear M2aO:
Are you talking about cats? This is insane. Cats are only sweet when cooked, not caressed. I am going to pretend you are instead claiming to have an affair with a black dwarf-rabbit named "Bruno."
Anyone can be a candidate for an affair, you just need to do some proper planning. Assuming you are a mother, you can get good at cheating by playing board games with your children. A good example is "Monopoly," in which you can be the banker and take a few extra $100s when no one is looking. Mothers are notorious for cheating at games.
You will also need a good alibi for what you were doing with your time when you and Bruno go for walks on the grassy knoll, as your husband is bound to come home or call on his lunch break some day when you are not around. You should claim to start a new, impromptu activity, like:
1) Professional Mourner - randomly attend funerals of people you don't know (people are always dying).
2) Bird Feeder - throw loaves of bread at local fowl in the nearby park (requires hiking and may lead to an affair with the birds).
3) Pencil Vendor - import twig pencils from Poland and sell them for profit on the streets (these are a hot commodity; you'll make some good money!).
I hope this helps, but if it doesn't I'm not too disappointed.
-- Dr. N
