Dear Doctor Nello:I don't know how to use a computer. I used to, but then I had children and gained weight and started drinking, and it all got away from me. At my age it is embarrassing to ask for help, so sometimes I just fiddle with settings for a while and go to bed, rather than accomplish anything. Is there any hope for me?
-- Thirty Screen Savers in One Night
Dear TSSi1N:
Computer illiteracy is divided into three severity categories: Types I, II and III. An example of Type I is a neighbor I have who held her mouse like a remote after discovering that touching the screen was ineffective.
Type II sufferers can do basic computer functions, such as printing and emailing, but have difficulty scanning and uploading and believe computer viruses can spread by physical contact.
Type III users know some moderately advanced tricks, such as embedding videos, and know the difference between a "background" and a "screen saver." However, they can't grasp higher-level concepts such as PhotoShop, keyboard shortcuts, or installing hardware.
It should be noted Types I & II will be terminated when the robots take over the world. While Type I's are beyond help, if you find yourself to be a Type II there is still time to advance before it's too late. There are several methods to absorb techno-know-how from technology itself.
1. Connect a USB cable to your computer and your belly button (if you can find it).
2. Wear a Bluetooth headset to bed even if you don't have a cell phone.
3. Speak in L337, aka "Leet," replacing letters with numb3rs.
4. Lick a printer's ink cartridge (that's a joke, although Nurse Chris does that regularly).
If for some reason these steps fail, I recommend a robot costume to blend in.
-- Dr. N
