遗失护照

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've heard rumors that the U.S. government confiscated your passport and that the Chinese government not only banned you from ever visiting their country, but also from visiting any and all Chinese buffets stateside. Could you please explain why?

-- Sum1

Dear Sum1:

I think it was actually the other way around; bearded Chinese government woman stole my passport while the US government has banned me from visiting Chinese buffets, Old Country Buffets and Jimmy Buffets. I was able to sneak out of the country into Italy, where I sought asylum. (On a side note, I know an elderly Italian who should be in an asylum.)

Hiding in Italia was enjoyable until I saw a shemale and discovered it was Pride Week in Genoa. Pride is a deadly sin, and those people need to be more humble. When I tried to leave, though, I was detained in Munich, I think simply because Germans are mean people.

To answer your question, though, as to why all this started ... I played a joke on the Chinese because I gave them Coke cans that homeless men had gone to the bathroom on. The US government has banned me from the above locations because Obama is angry that Nurse Chris and I are running such a successful presidential campaign.

In the end, I got a new passport by selling my sole (I had a beat-up pair of imitation Converses that apparently are in high demand in Europe). I made it to the States in time for the Fourth of July and, of course, the 2½ anniversary of this website.

-- Dr. N

2½ Years

How much longer can this last?

WEIGHT, WHAT DID THE BLUR SAY?

Remember when we posted that People magazine cover of Nurse Chris coming out? Turns out he was coming out ... as a FAT PERSON (which we've hinted at here and here.)

Issue highlights: Nurse Chris really weighs in, Dr. Jello nearly dies from diet, Dr. Nello says "Happy Girthday" to his assistant, Flabby refuses to eat people with transfat.

Letter 100: The Perfect Spot

Nurse Chris and Doctor Nello team up to answer their 100th letter!

Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris:

I've just eaten an entire package of oreos by myself and I want more. I'm also laying in bed for the 3rd consecutive day. I realize I should get up, but I think I found the perfect spot and I'm worried that I will never find this level of comfort again. Please help!

-- They Were Cool Mint Oreos, Double Stuf

Dear They Were Cool Mint Oreos, Double Stuf:

I was starting to to think you were a little crazy until I got to the part where you explained that the Oreos were of the cool mint double stuf variety.

Now we've all dreamed of the perfect spot, only few have actually found it though. I recommend you stay in that spot for now, and give me time to come over and then you can get up and I will let my body sink into the imprint your body has left in the bed. The truth is, I have recently gone through a little bit of a weight increase (in the neighborhood of 200lbs), and my energy and will to move have dropped dramatically. I want that spot. Please though, do whatever it takes to not go to the bathroom until I arrive.

After you've left the spot and realized your mistake, I suggest counseling to help you get over the fact that you lost your only opportunity to be perfectly comfortable.

-- DaN

Dear Doubly Stuffed:

I was sharing your problem with a colleague when she grabbed my collar and yelled, "Do NOT discuss oreos, especially cool mint double stuf, unless you've bought them for me!" I was scared that I might die. I wanted to pass this warning on to you that discussing cookies can be hazardous to your health.

What I find curious about your situation is that you've been laying in bed for three days and just now finished the bag of cookies. If it takes you that long to eat mint oreos and you didn't bring a second package, then I think while you may have found the perfect spot, you don't have what it takes to be a perfect spotter. A perfect spotter must be prepared to either extra food on hand or a loved one dedicated to bringing food. Also, you must either be on a toilet, or whatever you're on becomes a toilet. You should give up now, as you are too weak to be a fabric-skinned lounger.

Or, maybe because I have been having back problems for a while, I'm trying to get that perfect spot from you before Nurse Chris does.

-- DrN

HAPPY 20th, NURSE CHRIS

20 years of great hair.

HAPPY 24th, DR NELLO

24 years of greatness.

Nurse Chris Gets 'Round to Answering Old Letters

Below, Nurse Chris answers some letters from 2007. He apologizes to the writers for taking so long to reply; he was busy ...

Dr. Nello (AND NURSE CHRIS):

Is there a connection between being physically unattractive and being mentally ill? I ask because there seems to be a high percentage of individuals with repulsive bodies who like to wear shirts and pants with slogans claiming to be some sort of hot commodity. [Continue reading...]

-- Concerned After Standing in Line Behind a Man Who Had a List of "Firefighter Pickup Lines" on His Shirt but a Face that Made Me Throw Up a Little in My Mouth

Dear Thrower-Upper:

Yes, I do believe in a correlation between unattractiveness and mental illness. I also believe that you are ugly because ugly people notice each other more. I think, to balance your ugliness, you should get a t-shirt with flirtatious phrases like "Spare Tire" or "I Went to Law School."

You could also try counseling.

-- The Nursenator

Dear Dr. Nello & Nurse Chris:

My mother is worried that I will never get married because I'm already 25. Should I just settle for anyone at this point, or do I still have a chance at making a good match someday? [Continue reading...]

-- Back in the Bend

Dear Bend Over Backwards:

I recommend Joe Kennedy. He is such a nice boy, and you'd never know he was homeschooled for church.

However, if you don't want to do that, you should stay at home with your mom. In your saintly senescent mother's old age, dress as a swan and let your mother feed you. This way you both will be happy; you won't have to find someone and your mom will have you in the area. Who knows, you may even find your own swannie.

And last, but not least, try counseling.

-- nurCe

Hey Fatso

Dr. Nello:

Are you thinking of losing weight? You don't need to kill yourself over that fat belly.

-- Jarrett Meyers

Dear Jarrett:

Ouch! I wasn't thinking of losing weight until I got this email. Am I really that fat? I have stopped shaving recently to hide my double chin, but I didn't think I had let myself go that much. I hope I'm not headed towards morbid obesity like Nurse Chris!

I suppose I need to give myself some advice on this problem. I don't think the "Ask the Dr. Chris" weight loss video would help (it apparently didn't do much for Nurse Cellulite). Amputation would lead to a lower number on the scale, but I'd like to keep what remaining appendages I have. The only option left is dieting.

There are so many fad diets out there, how am I to know which one is the right one? The answer, of course, is disgorging. And what better way to do that than to spend a month in China eating goose necks and chicken claws? I'm bound to get sick and throw up after eating that gross stuff.

I'll have to prepare for my trip by eating plenty of mandarin oranges. I'll probably head over there sometime this summer, and when I get back, I'll be half the size of my adipose assistant (eg, normal sized).

Once again, I am not nearly as pudgy as Nurse Chunky.

-- Dr. N

Dove si Trova il Medico?

Ciao Dottore Nello:

Come stai? E dove siete? Noi siamo tristi perché la vostra saggezza non sia qui negli Stati Uniti. Alcuni di noi sono preoccupati che hai venduto la tua pelliccia, o avete fatto e sposato due donne in una volta? Il medico è un pescivendolo! Per il bene bene, scuotere i cani a fuga nel tempio.

-- Il Custode delle Ultime Foreste Pluviali

Caro Costumi Uomo:

Sto facendo bene qui a Genova, grazie. Ho mangiato un sacco di frutti di mare, ma non salame. Il nucleare sarà costruita. Io non indossare mascara.

Io ritorno agli Stati Uniti il 21 marzo. Si prega di non dimenticarsi di me, e vi prego di ottenere il gatto bagnato mentre io sono andato.

-- Dr. N

PS. Si consiglia di utilizzare Google Translate.

Ma+h He1p

Dr. Nello:

I can't seem to get the right answer. Can you help me?

(x + 3)(x - 2) = (x + 4)(x - 1)

-- Smellvic

Dear Smellvic:

Lucky for you I happened to be a math major/substitute teacher in a previous life. The answer is very simple, so simply in fact that I think you are too stupid to take the NYS Regents at age 12.

(x + 3)(x - 2) = (x + 4)(x - 1)

First, use the FOIL method to simplify both sides.

x² - 2x + 3x - 6 = x² - x + 4x - 4

Then, combine the like terms. (Notice that you can cancel out the x² from both sides.)

-x - 6 = 3x - 4

Subtract 3x and add +4 to both sides.

-2x = 2

Now divide both sides by -1.

x = -1

You should plug x = -1 back into the original problem and check that both sides equal. Don't feel too bad about being so stupid, though. Nurse Chris took the Regents four times and the highest grade he received was 21.

-- Dr. N

Learning About Learning Clocks

Dr. Nello:

At work we had a presentation on the Human Performance Tool of the Month, "Learning Clocks." I thought at first this would be insturctions on how to play the Coldplay song on the piano. Instead, it was about an online clock thing that "trips" everytime there is an "event," and the clock starts again at zero with each event. Most of these events were things like "An employee tripped and fell." (I guess that's why they say it "trips" the clock?)

The presenter then told us we could subscribe to this clock and get daily emails about its current status. After his presentation, people started clapping.

Are worthless HuP Tools like this common at all businesses, or just mine?

-- One Who Doesn't Like to Waste Time

Dear One:

Don't mock the clock! Learning clocks like that are extremely valuable in the business world. As a matter of fact, Nurse Chris and I have our own learning clock. It's new on the right hand side of this screen (if you don't see it, try Firefox). Now you'll know all about the events that happen to the staff here at the blog, probably more than you ever wanted to learn.

-- Dr. N

Cool Cruise or Cold Cuts

Dr. Nello:

Congratulations! You've been identified to receive a FREE Two Night Carribean Cruise for two adults! As our guest, you'll cruise round-trip on the Regal Empress from sunny Ft. Lauderdale, FL, to Nassau in the tropical Bahamas. Your introductory "Fam-Trip" cruise includes a private cabin, all meals and entertainment.

"Fam-Trip" is travel industry jargon for a "Familiarization Trip" which is a free or highly discounted vacation package that most Travel Agents receive as a perk to "familiarize" themselves with fine Resorts and Cruise Ships like ours. We believe you're just as qualified as a travel agent to experience our "familiarization" tours.

Please call; no purchase necessary, no strings attached!

-- Imperial Majesty Cruise Line Vacations

Dear IMCLV:

On the one hand, a free trip to the Bahamas sounds exhilirating. I've wanted to travel there ever since I was supposed to go in 2000 but had to cancel to go to my stupid brother's wedding. (Is it my brother that's stupid, or was the wedding stupid? Maybe both.) And I am not one to easily pass up free food.

Howe'er, I currently have plans to head overseas to Genoa, Italy. I'm attending "InPsyBloCon '09." That's short for "Internatioal Psychaitrist Blogger Convention 2009", where we doctors "psychaitrize" and "blog" like travel agents "familiarize." I'm also stocking up on salami.

(Thank you for explaining the term "Fam-Trip." I thought at first the "Fam" stood for "family," and I thought there was no way in Gahhenoa I was taking them with me.)

This is a tough decision to make; the Bahamas will definitely be warmer, but I've never missed an InPsyBloCon. I think I'll google your service to make sure it's not a scam, and then get back to you.

-- Dr. N

Qreepy Questions

Hello:

Bonus is our middle name, or is it F.E.A.R?

Are they in your closet?
When we will meet again?
See you later.

-- Jodie

Dear Jodie:

I'm trembling so much tonight I will have Nurse Chris syndrome, but at the same time, the puzzling ponderings you pose are so provoking I am persuaded to post.

First off, I'm guessing your middle name is F.E.A.R., and that it stands for "Frighteningly Eerie And Repulsive."

In my closet are a vacuum, ironing board, and clothes; if that is what you mean by "they," then yes. If you are referring to monsters, then I sure hope not.

I have now come to the conclusion that you are the doubleheaded monster in my closet named Jodie F.E.A.R. Teratism, and you want me to meet you so you can kill me. We can never meet again. I'm sorry.

-- Dr N.

PS. Monster or not, make sure you check out our anniversary music video if you haven't already! Even if you have, check it out again!

Two Year Anniversary Dance Lesson

Two years! Celebrate with us by watching this awesome music video/letter-and-response.

Can you count all the new things on the blog? (Hint: check the top of the page ... actually, that's about it.)

Also ... this is the 91st letter. Which means, of course, only nine more letters till the HUNDREDTH LETTER.

731 DAYS

Tuesday marks the second anniversary of this blog. Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris have gone through quite a lot to get to where they are now: movies, music, books, firings, hirings, murders, strikes, bailouts, coming outs, fluctuating reader counts, fluctuating weights, weight loss iTunes programs, and medicinal superpowers. There was that short lived, who-knows-what-it-was-supposed-to-be n08. We began our campaign for president, we were animated once, and (as we accidentally leaked on New Years) we're going to do it again Tuesday.

So what will 2009 hold for us? Dr. Nello hopes to turn 24, after which he will constantly remind everyone that 4/25/2010 is his golden birthday and he expects the party of the century. Nurse Chris hopes to get his Chickipedia page reinstated before he heads off to Europe this fall.

Bail Us Out

Speaking of Irrelevant:

Does Dr. Nello still exist? He reminds me of an insect that lived too long but then made a contribution by reproducing right before he died (the NelloFamilyBlog). I think I heard someone say that once.

-- Ummm in Virginia

Dear Virginia:

Yes, there is a Dr. Nello. And also a Nurse Chris. I understand your confusion about our existance, though, because it (surprise!) has been awhile since our last letter response. This is because we've been waiting for our bailout. Like many other industries in 2008, we have not seen good profit returns; as a matter of fact, we've made 5% less than last year! This is obviously not due to the quality of our services, but rather because we haven't been given free money from the government yet.

We thought we had mentioned this before, but apparently we forgot, so we're saying it now. Please, give us money now, or we're just going to take it when you elect us prez and v-prez. Somewhere in the range of $20B should do.

-- Dr. N

APPARENTLY, SPIDERS ARE POPULAR HERE

Dr. Helpful or Nurse Loveless?

Dear Readers:

For this post, instead of answering one of your questions, I'm posing a question that I want you to answer.

Today at church the homily was about advice columns. At first, I was wondering where the priest was going with his fifteen minute introduction of Dear Abby's career, and the snippets of advice from her column were uninsightful, to say the least. But then he contrasted her advice style with that of a 1930s predecessor, "Miss Loveless."

Miss Loveless was actually a male editor who mockingly answered his writers. For example, a girl wrote that she was tired of being made fun of and, now that she was 16, wanted boyfriends. The one problem? She was born without a nose.

Now, had I received a letter from Noseless Nancy, my reply would involve several jokes like "I nose a few things you could do, pick one of them." (Nurse Chris, of course, would just suggest counseling.)

But this is exactly the kind of attitude the pastor decried this morning. Miss Loveless lacked empathy like Nancy lacked nostrils. I think the homily was specifically directed at me, and that the priest was trying to tell me that I need to change my ways. And that, like Miss Loveless, there's a problem with Nurse Chris's gender indentity issues.

What do you think? Should I refrain from any humor and give only Ann Landers-ish advice? Or do we outdo even Miss Loveless at her most lovelessness?

-- Dr. N

Asking About An Austrailian Avian-Adoring Arachnid

Dear Dr. Nello:

I ordered a giant bird-eating spider from Australia, but it was accidentally shipped to the house of my sister in New York. The postal service claims they left the open box in my sister's mud room. I don't think she likes spiders. What should I do?

-- Oops in Ohio

Dear Poos in Ohio:

If only I had answered this letter a week ago, I could have used a Halloween theme. That'll teach me to delay. To make up for it, I'll give you 13 things you can do.

1. Offer to send an industrial size pack of toilet paper, quadruple ply, to squash it.

2. At least now she won't have to worry about Lady Bird, be it that red cardinal that's always attacking it's reflection or the late wife of Lyndon Johnson.

3. Don't kids love cardboard boxes? What's she complaining about?

4. Tell her you actually bought an expensive japanese silver-winged cockamamie, and the spider must have crawled inside the box during shipment. Emphasive the expensiveness, and ask that she chip in to cover the loss.

5. Remind her that although she has a bird-eating spider, at least she doesn't have a boil on her face that will erupt causing thousands of tiny spiders to crawl all over her face, like that one girl in "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark."

6. When she calls about the giant spider, act confused and say, "I didn't send a giant spider ... I just sent a regular size one. Are you shrinking?" Send some other giant things over the next few weeks; this could be the greatest non-April Fool's Day April Fools prank!

7. It's possible that this spider is Arachne or Anansi. Maybe she sould try talking to it.

8. Does she have a giant baby? A giant spider and a giant baby wrestling could be entertaining (or maybe just gross).

9. Refer her to Nurse Chris for counseling.

10. Send a cockatoo-eating python. She'll still hate the spider, but receiving the first two of a collectors series of bird-eating animals might satisfy her.

11. Get a nuclear bird. I don't really know what a nuclear bird is, but someone on Flickr has a picture of one. Anyway, if she feeds this bird to the spider, and the spider bites someone, that person will get both spider and bird powers. (Or they'll die from the radiation. Best to let someone not in the family test it first).

12. Or better yet, just get a giant bird. I mean, birds eat spiders, so giant birds should eat giant spiders, right? This could be a problem if the giant bird also eats children, so check the label first.

13. Don't worry, Obama will take care of it, just like her gas and mortage.

-- Dr. N

ANNOUNCING ... 2012

Disappointed with the results of the 2008 elections, Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris have decided they need to take action for this nation's political future. They're officially announcing their intent to possibly run for president and vice president of the United States.

Explaining their desire to explore the notion of maybe seeking the highest office, Dr. Nello explains, "Originally, we were deterred by our lack of executive experience, but as was shown this year, experience is like that creepy-beard Skittles commerical: irrelevant." (When it was pointed out to the bloggers that each candidate this year was either a senator or a governor, Dr. Nello said, "Don't be distracted by those distractions!")

Nurse Chris adds, "We feel confident about winning if we actually go through with this, because it would be a historical first, electrifying voters. I would be the first hermaphroditic tranny to be #2 in the nation!" Nurse Chris then snickered at saying "number two."

"Of course," Dr. Nello interjects, "I might get to busy or forget or something. But I've really put a lot of thought into it this last hour."

Nurse Chris mused on a few simple, vague campaign slogans: "Probably Could," "Breakfast First," "Change Hope's Diaper" and "Counseling."

Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris immediately suspended their campaign until further notice.