The Final Letter

Dear Doctor Nello:


Are you really done? Was that Barbara Walters interview for realz?


-- Readers

Dear Readers, all six of you:


After over four years of tireless work, I am retiring. Don't cry for me, it's just the time to end this. It's been a fun ride, but now Nurse Chris is undergoing counseling after living his life as Lady PhiPhi, Dr Jello is not fat anymore (so her alter ego, Dear Flabby, is officially gone), and Dr Fello is in that big veterinarian clinic in the sky.


The blog may be on haitus, perhaps permanently, but we can still enjoy the good memories we've made over the years.



My last piece of advice (assuming I really don't pick this up again):


"Always accept gum when someone offers it to you."


Blah blah blah.


-- Dr N.

BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEWS NELLO AND NURSE

PROBLEMATIC PICS

Late last night, scandalous photos of Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris/Lady PhiPhi were leaked online. Initially denied by Dr. Nello as a "prank," new details have since emerged, and a filthy scandal is attached to the medical wunderkind and androgynous pop star.

A topless photo of a man holding a sign that says "3M" is rumored to be a self-taken snapshot of the doctor, perhaps intended for a fan via private message. When asked if the photo was of Dr. Nello, he stated: "I cannot say with certainty that is me in that image." He later clarified, "Keep in mind, I drink a lot."

3M has denied any involvement in this event, though a company spokesman did say, "That man looks tan. He must have been at the beach."

A second photo was also leaked, and it appears to be of an unsavory body location, though experts say it may have been doctored (no pun intended). It is rumored that Lady PhiPhi, formerly known as Nurse Chris, is the hottie in this shottie. Lady PhiPhi merely growled when pressed on the issue.

Dr. Nello has announced that he will hold a interweb press conference in the near future addressing this issue, unless he doesn't.

MEETING OF THE MINDS

WEIGHT, WHAT DID THE BLUR SAY?

Remember when we posted that People magazine cover of Nurse Chris coming out? Turns out he was coming out ... as a FAT PERSON (which we've hinted at here and here.)

Issue highlights: Nurse Chris really weighs in, Dr. Jello nearly dies from diet, Dr. Nello says "Happy Girthday" to his assistant, Flabby refuses to eat people with transfat.

APPARENTLY, SPIDERS ARE POPULAR HERE

ANNOUNCING ... 2012

Disappointed with the results of the 2008 elections, Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris have decided they need to take action for this nation's political future. They're officially announcing their intent to possibly run for president and vice president of the United States.

Explaining their desire to explore the notion of maybe seeking the highest office, Dr. Nello explains, "Originally, we were deterred by our lack of executive experience, but as was shown this year, experience is like that creepy-beard Skittles commerical: irrelevant." (When it was pointed out to the bloggers that each candidate this year was either a senator or a governor, Dr. Nello said, "Don't be distracted by those distractions!")

Nurse Chris adds, "We feel confident about winning if we actually go through with this, because it would be a historical first, electrifying voters. I would be the first hermaphroditic tranny to be #2 in the nation!" Nurse Chris then snickered at saying "number two."

"Of course," Dr. Nello interjects, "I might get to busy or forget or something. But I've really put a lot of thought into it this last hour."

Nurse Chris mused on a few simple, vague campaign slogans: "Probably Could," "Breakfast First," "Change Hope's Diaper" and "Counseling."

Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris immediately suspended their campaign until further notice.

SHOCKING (SORTA)

Issue highlights: Nurse Chris comes out saying something blurry. Dr. Jello loves life with entourage after short stint in blogosphere. Dr. Nello explains why he hacked brother's cell phone. Dear Flabby's weight loss impeded by voracious appetite.

iTUNES LEAKS NEW NURSE CHRIS SIDE PROJECT

Seems like Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris are never satisfied simply running this website; they always feel the need to branch out and expand into other media outlets. Whether it's movies (Naked Death 8), books (The Doctor is In and So is His Nurse) or music (N'n'N's Good Thing We're Not Related), they're producing something spectacular.

Available exclusively on iTunes, Nurse Chris is releasing a solo project, "NAKED: Ask the Dr Chris" workout/advice video. "The problem with most people," explains Nurse Chris, "is that they are fat and stupid. In my video, I suggest counseling while giving instructions on squats and lunges, solving psychological problems and burning calories. It's killing two birds with one stone, and who doesn't like killing birds?"

This is the first solo venture for the doctor or nurse. Dr. Nello refused to tell what exactly his side project would be, but promised it would come soon and "be better than Nurse Chris's."

n08, Y2K8, and 1/6/08

Many of you have already discovered n08, the temporary replacement for Dr. Nello's blog while the doctor was on strike and Nurse Chris is still dead. Now that this blog is back, n08 has been moved to this new address (although let's be honest, we're not promising much in the way of updates).

Meanwhile, Dr. Nello would like to say that while it seems he's been on strike since mid-November, he actually did answer a series of letters earlier in December, but as our computers weren't prepared for that nasty Y2K8 bug, the post got lost until now (see below).

Finally, our one-year anniversary is fast approaching ... next Sunday (1/6/08) is our blog's birthday!

DR. NELLO JOINS WGA STRIKE

Realizing that he, too, is a writer and hoping to jump on the bandwagon before it's unpopular, Dr. Nello has joined the 2007 Writers Guild of America's Strike. "I'm not really sure about all the details of the strike," he explained, "but I figured this would give me a good excuse to stop working for a while and spend time on other things I like to do, like writing on my other blog."


Until the WGA resolves its issues with the AMPTP, or Dr. Nello grows tired of the strike, there will be no new posts on this website.

(Meanwhile, an individual who looks suspiciously like the late Nurse Chris was also seen, but unavailable for comment.)

WHO KILLED NURSE CHRIS

As the murder investigation of the beloved Nurse Chris continues, we will be reporting any discoveries and accusations on a new blog, whokillednursechris.blogspot.com, and reserve this blog for the usual posts.

LETTER, CLUES DISCOVERED IN NURSE'S BEDROOM

Nurse Chris's body was found dead in her bedroom in early August with a screwdriver piercing her right temple. Several clues have been discovered that may implicate suspects as police continue to solve her mysterious and grizzly murder.

The most prominent clue so far was a letter addressed to "You Filthy Man-Woman Slob." It was apparently from a former employee of Dr. Nello's who felt "brushed aside [by the doctor] in favor of a tramp ... with the intelligence of a decapitated sewer rat and the odor of an unwashed Siamese monkey fish." It was signed "Your Fellow, Doctor Fello."

Pittsburgh police believe that this letter may be from the unpopular Doctor Francis J. Fello, a former employee fired by Dr. Nello this summer for not writing posts on schedule. Nurse Chris was notorious (and fired) for also not posting on time, but was rehired. Meanwhile, the forgettable Dr. Fello has not been rehired.

Police have named Dr. Fello a murder suspect, but stress that he is a "person of disinterest."

Police have also promised a report due tomorrow on other clues and suspects, with "an exciting twist you never saw coming!"

BOMB FOUND IN NELLO'S OLD APARTMENT, LINK TO NURSE CHRIS

With the tragic murder of the beloved Nurse Chris still under investigation, a discovery made today suggests that his/her death may have been part of a plot to kill Dr. Nello as well.

Dr. Nello recently upgraded to a penthouse in nearby luxury apartments, moving out of his old Pittsburgh residence in mid-August. The three current female tenants were clearing out the basement (which contained items left from the tenants before Dr. Nello) when they discovered a 12 oz. bottle of nitroglycerin. A firetruck, several police cars, a paramedic van and a bomb squad were called in to remove the explosive while the apartment and its surrounding homes were evacuated.

Lab analysis revealed that the nitroglycerin had only partially crystalized. A fully crystalized sample could have detonated at the slightest movement, but in its partially crystalized state, it was still deadly. Knocking or dropping the bottle could crack it, which as one paramedic put it, could have "blown up the place. You'd be dead."

The bottle was discovered last week, but although it is labelled "NITROGLYCERIN" the current tenants were unaware of its danger until today, when they called the police.

It is unclear who placed the explosive in the basement, if it was intended to kill Dr. Nello, or if it has any relationship to the Nurse Chris murder. Dr. Nello says of the discovery, "I'm lucky to be alive. To think, I did laundry in that basement several times and could have accidentally used [the bottle of nitroglycerin], mistaking it for detergent. To be sure, those damn spots would be out, but I'd also be dead."

If indeed the bomb was meant for Dr. Nello, it seems the potential killer was unaware that Dr. Nello had moved.

Dr. Nello did accused some individuals of using the nitroglycerin to construct meth labs in his basement, including his archrival Dear Flabby. He later retracted these claims when it was pointed out that nitroglycerin is, in fact, not used in meth labs. His credibility as a doctor was briefly questioned, but these doubts were dispelled when he proved he must be a real doctor as his name is, after all, "Doctor" Nello.

The bottle was marked with the letters "JS," which was thought to have stood for "JustineSpired" but was later proved to be the letters "US" in "VERY DANGEROUS." (The ink on the "U" was partially faded, resembling a "J.")

[For more information, check out my new second blog at http://hereinpittsburgh.blogspot.com/.]

SAD NEWS

I haven't posted in over a month because I've been mourning the passing of a dear friend. Nurse Chris was found August 5th with a screwdriver in Nurse Chris's head. The death is still being investigated. -- Dr. N

AUGUST ALREADY?

Where does the time go? We meant to answer so many posts during the month of July, but I guess we just fell behind. Here's a few rushed responses. Hopefully they're up to caliber.

Also, Dr. Jello had a birthday recently that we'd like to announce now (her b-day was 7/22). To make it up to her, we're going to have a very special "13+ years" post coming soon. And hopefully "soon" means this month.

Sincerely,
The Staff

[This was originally a Harry Potter post, but that was supposed to be a joke. I was going to delete it but since it got two comments, I decided to just change it.]

N'n'N TIP TO THE TOP

In it's sixth week, N'n'N's single "Still Tippin' (Cows)" overtakes Rihanna on the Billboard Hot 100 to claim the #1 spot. Billboard magazine ranks the most popular songs in the US based on sales and airplay, so this is a pretty major feat. Congrats to the Doc and Nurse!

FIRST SINGLE FROM N'n'N RELEASED

Call up your local radio station and request "Still Tippin' (Cows)," that hot new track from N'n'N! (But make sure you include the "Cows" part, or they might play Mike Jones' "Still Tippin'," which is not the same song at all.)

Does anyone actually request songs on the radio?

REUNION LEADS TO ALBUM

The long awaited and delayed album from N'n'N is almost here! Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris are pleased to announce the release date for their first musical collaboration. Good Thing We're Not Related will hit stores this summer, June 19. It will be preceded by the single "Still Tippin' (Cows)," expected to hit airwaves sometime in the next week.

APRIL FOOLS!

Apparently Dr. Nello didn't realize that April Fools Day is only supposed to be on April 1st, not the whole month! Everyone knows the site would crumble without the Nurse.