Dry Your Tears (And Your Bed)

Dr Nello:

I am a 17 year old male with a problem. I still wet the bed. About five years ago I decided enough is enough and I pronounced myself dry in the mornings. But in truth, I was still wetting the bed. Every morning I change my sheets before anyone notices. Dr Nello, I can't go on living a lie. It's tearing at my insides. I lose sleep over it, my social life is dead and I barely eat my vegatables. Is there anything you can do to help me wake up dry for real? Or at least, can you help me live with my problem?

-- Wet in New York

Dear Wet:

Although I think your predicament is rather humorous, I will try to answer in a professional, doctoral manner. The way I see it, you have five options.

1. Don't ever sleep. If you don't sleep, then you can't wake up, and therefore you can't wake up wet.

2. Don't drink. Without consuming liquids, you cannot pass them, and therefore will remain dry.

3. Admit the truth. You are having difficulties living a lie because you are telling people an untruth about your nocturnal shortcomings. If you finally admit to yourself and others that you cannot keep your sheets dry, you will feel much better about yourself because "honesty is the best policy" and "the truth will set you free" and "an elephant never forgets." Your social life will not improve, but come on, if you're 17 and still wet the bed, there really isn't any hope for you anyway. At least you'll sleep better.

There are two other options, but I'd prefer to not share those with you.

-- Dr. N