Double Whammy

Happy Birthday to the greatest doctor and nurse on this blog!

Gold + Silver, Drunk + Crunk.

3 YEARS, 3 DAYS - PART 3

On this our third non-consecutive day of anniversary celebration, we bring to you dear readers an announcement:

After answering Letter 123, this blog will cease to be an advice column.

(We're up to 105 for those not keeping track.)

While the economy is forcing us to switch to a mostly Twlog for the time being, this is not the permanent direction of this website. What is our new format going to be? We have no idea at all. It's a new decade, anything goes! Maybe a vlog (video web log), maybe a collection of haiku, maybe a Nurse Chris lingerie store. Who can say ... only time.

3 YEARS, 3 DAYS - PART 2

3 YEARS, 3 DAYS - PART 1

This blog has made it three years and three days ... which calls for three days of celebration! To start, today we're sharing pictures of our recent get together (the whole gang: Doctor Nello, Nurse Chris, Dr Jiggly Jello, Dear Flabby and D. Frances).

Tomorrow: something else, and the day after: another something else! It's crazy! It's random! We have no idea what's going on! Flying by the seat of our pants! Nurse Chris isn't wearing pants! (PS. To comment, you might have to click up top ... we still haven't finished setting up this new template. Blurgh.)

Time To Tweet

Dockteur:

I can't believe you're not here anymore.

-- A Loyal Fan

Dear Loyal Fan:

Unfortunately, due to the economy and our frequent trips to Europe, Nurse Chris and I have not been able to post nearly as much as we used to. We tried to post at least one letter a month, but as avid readers are well aware, we missed June and November.

There is some good news, though. Our main competitor, Justin E. Spired, has quit the business. The Dr. Nello blog was started in January 2007 with the secret mission of bringing the downfall of Justin, and our mission has now been fulfilled.

While we have slowed down, we are not quitting. However, for the rest of the year, we will be changing our business model to something more fitting for these modern times of technology. Or rather, something more "twitting." Starting today, we will share and discover what’s happening right now, anywhere in the world. We know you're excited!

-- Dr. N

Sanitizer, Swines, Sneezes and Spaghetti

Dear Doctor Nello:

Aren't you worried about swine flu, especially with your internation travel? We suggest you wear a mask on the plane. You don't want to get germs from fellow passengers.

-- Muddah and Fadduh

Dear M & F:

The only way I would wear a mask on a plane is if it were Halloween (which it is today, but not when I flew) or in the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure and the oxygen masks appear. Being a medical professional, I am not worried about this supposed "swine flew" disease. Besides, I carry a bottle of hand sanitizer with me. It is six ounces, which Italian security reminded is more than the maximum three ounces allowed before handing it back, and it kills germs just fine.

What bothers me more than catching the flu from fellow passengers is being expected to say "bless you" after one sneezes. Why do I have to say this phrase, especially when someone sneezes several times in a row or, like an older woman I know, fake sneezes several times in a row? After I get back from my November Roman Holiday with Nurse Chris I am going to start a letter-writing campaign to end this archaic practice.

Another bizzare tradition about sneezing is that we are supposed to cover our mouths when eating spaghetti, for fear that we will cause meatballs to roll and grow into spaghetti trees. This is ridiculous! My Nello's restaurant in New York is so successful because of my spaghetti tree that I get wealthy Russian businessmen to drop $52K in one night.

So I say, uncover your mouth, don't say gesundheit and simply soak in sanitizer.

-- Dr. N

MEETING OF THE MINDS

Thief

Dear Nurse Cheesehead:

A few months ago, my brother got Slurpees for himself and me, and of course, he did not buy the flavor I requested. In fact, he didn't buy them at all! He realized recently that, when talking to me on the phone about the Slurpees, he was distracted and walked out of the gas station minimart without paying. Should I turn him in? I doubt there's a reward and oil companies are evil anyway. Since being raised in a family with a "punish the offender and the one who tattles" strategy, I'm 24 years old and still don't know when tattling is appropriate.

-- I Wanted Frozen Coke, I Got Stolen Cherry

Dear IWFCIGSC,

Tattling is a sensitive subject. We all know what happened to Tattle Tale Tit, his tongue was split, and all the little dogs in town had a little bit. Now you mentioned that the oil companies are evil, this is very true, and their evil is two reasons not to do anything about this situation. First, They deserve to be stolen from. Second, they will No Doubt torture you (probably with Gwen Stefani). And third, is there anyway for us, being only human, to make the distinction of whether or not this is a tattle worthy offense? Obviously this decision has been made harder as your parents beat the sense of right and wrong out of you. Hopefully, you can show this letter to a sibling of yours and start a fight.

This truly is a unique letter, as there is no way to answer it properly. There are so many variables; were the Slurpees good? Did you finish them? Did they refresh you properly? Or were they unsatisfactory, in which case they could have been returned for a full refund? (In that case, next time, after they have been stolen, return the mostly finished Slurpees for a 'refund' and earn some cash!) But lastly, my advice to you is to seek counseling to help you cope with all your feelings.

-- N to the Urse

Bloody

Dear Donors:

I hope you are enjoying your summer break!
As you may remember, you signed a pledge, at your last High School Blood drive, to brighten area lives this summer by donating blood between July 1, 2009 and August 31 2009. During the summer months, we have fewer donors than normal coming in to donate and the need for blood greatly increases so your donation can greatly impact your community’s blood supply.

As a sign of our appreciation, you will receive two free movie tickets to Carmike Cinemas. Tickets will be mailed within two weeks after the donation.

-- Customer Service Department, Central Blood Bank

...

Dear Donors:

An e-mail was recently sent in error. In the e-mail, donors were referred to as “having pledged at their last High School Blood drive.” You were incorrectly selected in our system as a high school blood donor. We acknowledge the error in distribution and apologize for any confusion it may have caused.

The incentive that was referenced in the previous e-mail is for a select group of high school donors only.

-- Customer Service Department, Central Blood Bank

Dear CSDCBB:

Fine then. I'm never donating blood again.

-- Dr. N

遗失护照

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've heard rumors that the U.S. government confiscated your passport and that the Chinese government not only banned you from ever visiting their country, but also from visiting any and all Chinese buffets stateside. Could you please explain why?

-- Sum1

Dear Sum1:

I think it was actually the other way around; bearded Chinese government woman stole my passport while the US government has banned me from visiting Chinese buffets, Old Country Buffets and Jimmy Buffets. I was able to sneak out of the country into Italy, where I sought asylum. (On a side note, I know an elderly Italian who should be in an asylum.)

Hiding in Italia was enjoyable until I saw a shemale and discovered it was Pride Week in Genoa. Pride is a deadly sin, and those people need to be more humble. When I tried to leave, though, I was detained in Munich, I think simply because Germans are mean people.

To answer your question, though, as to why all this started ... I played a joke on the Chinese because I gave them Coke cans that homeless men had gone to the bathroom on. The US government has banned me from the above locations because Obama is angry that Nurse Chris and I are running such a successful presidential campaign.

In the end, I got a new passport by selling my sole (I had a beat-up pair of imitation Converses that apparently are in high demand in Europe). I made it to the States in time for the Fourth of July and, of course, the 2½ anniversary of this website.

-- Dr. N

2½ Years

How much longer can this last?

WEIGHT, WHAT DID THE BLUR SAY?

Remember when we posted that People magazine cover of Nurse Chris coming out? Turns out he was coming out ... as a FAT PERSON (which we've hinted at here and here.)

Issue highlights: Nurse Chris really weighs in, Dr. Jello nearly dies from diet, Dr. Nello says "Happy Girthday" to his assistant, Flabby refuses to eat people with transfat.