The Final Letter

Dear Doctor Nello:


Are you really done? Was that Barbara Walters interview for realz?


-- Readers

Dear Readers, all six of you:


After over four years of tireless work, I am retiring. Don't cry for me, it's just the time to end this. It's been a fun ride, but now Nurse Chris is undergoing counseling after living his life as Lady PhiPhi, Dr Jello is not fat anymore (so her alter ego, Dear Flabby, is officially gone), and Dr Fello is in that big veterinarian clinic in the sky.


The blog may be on haitus, perhaps permanently, but we can still enjoy the good memories we've made over the years.



My last piece of advice (assuming I really don't pick this up again):


"Always accept gum when someone offers it to you."


Blah blah blah.


-- Dr N.

BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEWS NELLO AND NURSE

PROBLEMATIC PICS

Late last night, scandalous photos of Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris/Lady PhiPhi were leaked online. Initially denied by Dr. Nello as a "prank," new details have since emerged, and a filthy scandal is attached to the medical wunderkind and androgynous pop star.

A topless photo of a man holding a sign that says "3M" is rumored to be a self-taken snapshot of the doctor, perhaps intended for a fan via private message. When asked if the photo was of Dr. Nello, he stated: "I cannot say with certainty that is me in that image." He later clarified, "Keep in mind, I drink a lot."

3M has denied any involvement in this event, though a company spokesman did say, "That man looks tan. He must have been at the beach."

A second photo was also leaked, and it appears to be of an unsavory body location, though experts say it may have been doctored (no pun intended). It is rumored that Lady PhiPhi, formerly known as Nurse Chris, is the hottie in this shottie. Lady PhiPhi merely growled when pressed on the issue.

Dr. Nello has announced that he will hold a interweb press conference in the near future addressing this issue, unless he doesn't.

haxxored

My Car is Trying to Kill Me

Dear Dr Nello:

My car has been having some problems over the past few years, with various parts failing (rear defrost, windshield wiper, window motors, hummervalve, etc). Recently, I had a major issue when one of my wheels fell off when I was driving my morbidly obese niece to "Take a Jerk to Work Day." Luckily I had pulled over before the wheel came off, but I could have died.

Although my niece is extremely overweight and it was the front passenger wheel (where she was sitting) I would've thought the car should've been able to handle such pressure without popping off the tire. Do you think my car is trying to kill me?

-- Scared of My Vehicle

Dear Scared:

I don't think your car is trying to kill you, I think God is trying to give you a hint. Though you are probably a very handsome fellow with decent photography skills and a working knowledge of Italian romantic phrases, you have some slight faults that are holding you back from getting a wife. Maybe it's the fact you didn't get accepted to a Top 5 business school, you "left the system" in sixth grade, you wear a black tie with brown shoes or you have a barely noticeable scar on your cheek. These are all things that are preventing you from marrying a super hott chick, and what you need to win this fine woman is a flashy new car.

You probably have wanted a new car for years, but have yet to really do anything about this, and God is telling you to move your butt. If you won't buy a new car unprovoked, he's going to destroy your current one to force you.

I hear the bank has a good deal on loans if you buy by May 31. Good luck!

-- Dr. N

The Handoff Pt II

... and 22.

The Handoff Pt I

26 ...

Media Bloggers Association

Dr. Nello:


When you join the HBS Class of 2013, how will you introduce yourself to your new classmates?


-- Harvey Ard, Dean of the University

Dear Harv:


Normally, when I introduce myself, I go by my nickname "Franz." However, when I join HBS'11, I'm going by my full name, Franziskaner. I prefer Franziskaner, but saying "Dr. Franziskaner O'Nello" is quite a mouthful, which is why I simplify it to "Franz Nello."


Now that I'm taking the next life step towards yet another degree, I want to be seen as mature and grown up. Gone are the days of tormenting nephews, forcing them on scary ferris wheels. No more crazy haircuts. Definitely won't be hanging out with these two.


JUST KIDDING. Of course I'll be my same awesome self, but I will be going by Franziskaner.


-- Dr. N

Calisthenics Consult

Dear Dr Nello:


I'm starting some new jazzercises, and my company sent out a safety message saying we need to consult our physicians before starting any new routines. I don't have my own doctor right now, so I'm asking if I can consult you.


Basically my exercise routine can be summed up by these photos.


What's your advice?


-- Jake Boddiebuy

Dear Jake:


What I see looks good, you're off to a great start. Some recommendations:


You have an exercise ball, now get a medicine ball. These are fun to throw at unsuspecting friends because medicine balls are deceptively heavy. If you can't afford one, or aren't strong enough to lift one, buy a regular bouncy ball and pop some pills. (My favorite drug is Vicodin, and I can sell you some if you want. Act fast, it expires in 2012!)


Grunt, grunt, grunt. Not only will this help you get that extra oomph you need, it will let everyone know how strong you think you are, and that counts for something.


Cardio! Take a spinning class, which I'm pretty sure is where you put your arms out and spin around in circles like a top. Other good workouts include Xtreme Hopscotch, keyboarding and power sitting. You can also elevate your heart rate by watching a scary movie like "Bambi III: Man's Revenge."


Good luck.


-- Dr. N

Helpful Haikus

Dear Lady PhiPhi:


My Happy Hour last night turned unhappy when my friends put me to be in charge of organizing a group trip to a place of ill moral repute. I suppose I might be willing to compromise my principles if they wanted this event on a Saturday, but they're looking to go on Tuesday night. What should I do?


-- Sad Sir at a Mad Mex

Sad Sir:


Why are you upset?
Morals are overratted
But here's some advice.


Instead of the club
Lead them to the library
A quite clever trick!


Claim an allergy
To smut and stupidity
If you are too weak.


This problem, your friends
There can be one solution:
Kiss them or kill them.


-- Lady PhiPhi

WAOSCI

Doctor Nello:

Can you please tell me if your office provides non-invasive type treatments for wrinkles, anti-aging, and other skin care issues?


Thanks in advance.


-- Eric Kusher, CT

Dear Eric:


We pride ourselves in having the #2 least invasive WAOSCI treatment center in the country, behind only James Hopkins (younger brother of John, curse him!). Only seven patients have "not come out of surgery alive" the entire time we've been in business, giving us a non-death success rate that rounds up to 90% (when rounding up to the nearest 90%).


Let me give you some examples of how we take care of WAOSCI.


Wrinkles: we use state-of-the-art irons to smooth out unsightly wrinkles. Our secret technique? Using round irons instead of flat irons you'd find at most dermatology practices (dermatologists, like chiropractors, being fake "doctors").


Anti-aging: using a blend of all natural, organic ingredients in our trademarked recipe, we've developed a special concoction that, when ingested, is guaranteed to take years off your life!


Other Skin Care Issues: this is where we really put the "ninvasi" in "non-invasive!" Take, for example, a patient with small melanoma on the tip of his nose. Most surgeons would invade the nasus from the outside, leaving a pockmark, a hurt nose-tip, and quite possibly severe damage to the patient's psyche after such a terrifying procedure! At our practice, however, we specialize in internal medicine -- that is, we approach the nose from the inside. Making a minor incision through the back, about 10" wide, we insert a series of tubes and coils on a path through the entire circulatory and lymphatic systems. Using an inversion table, electrodes and holistic hallucinogens, there are several more steps, but I don't want to give away all our surprises! Just know that in the end, that mole is gone and the patient is statistically likely to be fully alive.


If a patient desires, we offer free tattooing to disguise scarred tissue due to the surgery. For example, we can add extra curves to the patient's back, turning the scar into a second butt. And who doesn't want a second butt?


I hope, by answering your questions, you strongly consider our practice for your WAOSCI needs!


-- Dr. N

LadyNurse

Dear Doctor:


I often correct people when their behavior is inappropriate, making bad career moves, watching stupid TV shows or saying "where are you at?" instead of "where are you?".


I like to think this makes me a caring person, but lately I've been called "judgmental." Is this true? Is what I'm doing wrong?


Also, I want to point out that you really should have posted Part IV to your 4th Anniversary. What gives?


-- Care Bear

Dear CB:


Part of your problem, I'm guessing, is that you are not saying "no offense ..." when you correct people. This is a very important phrase; it commands the listener to not take offense at what you are saying. It is illegal for someone to be offended by your correction.


The other part of your problem is that you are not embracing the joys of judgmentalism. It's fun to rank yourself superior to others! One of my favorite forms of judging is silent judging (it can be deadly).


Judging is led me to the missing Nurse Chris, by the way...


To make a long story short, I was reprising my usual role judging the 52nd Miss Semi-Beauty Pageant/Triathalon in Kazakhstan. An oddly-shaped contestant arrived on stage, introduced as Lady PhiPhi. Mumbling "Baby I was born this way, baby I'm a firework, so raise you're glass because I'm freaking perfect," she sang such a beautiful ode to the days of the week.



We we we we were all moved to tears, but there was something familiar about this golden-voiced brunette. Turns out Nurse Chris has been living a double life as the nouveau diva Lady PhiPhi, and has decided, for the time being, to continue his career in music and extend his hiatus from my practice. While I'm saddened to be without my business partner of four years, I wish him the best in his endeavors. I also judge him for his insistence on dressing like a woman.


(4th Anniversary: Part IV is delayed till April for our 4 Year, 3 Month, 2 Week, 1 Day Anniversary.)


-- Dr. N

4th and £950,000.00

4th Annivesary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Doctor.Nello@gmail.com:

Your Mail-ID has been awarded £950,000.00 Pounds in our Mercedez-Benz promo. Send your

1.Name.............
2.Address..........
3.Phone/No.........
4.Country..........

-- Nelson Manuel Garcia Acuna

Dear NMGA:

Thank you, this must be some sort of 4th Anniversary Congratulations present! With such a generous reward, I must give something back to Mercedes-Benz. I'll share my recipe for an amazing salad I recently made. Spinach leaves, multi-berry craisins, sugar & cinnamon almonds, feta cheese, apple slices and lime coated chicken. Oh, it was so good!

Wait a minute -- your initials, NMGA, remind me of the word "eNiGMA." In fact, your name is an anagram for "Enigma Loaner Cancans Luau"! This either means you are a scam artist, or you are mysteriously giving me money at a surprise Cancan Luau anniversary celebration. I'll assume it's the latter, but while I appreciate the effort, I won't be able to attend due to a prior engagement.

-- Dr. N

4th and 26

4th Annivesary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Doctor Nello:

Happy Anniversary! It's amazing to think that you and (the sadly now missing) Nurse Chris have been doing such a magnanimous humanitarian service for four years. Merci beaucoup!

With another year under your 32" belts, you must have added another year to your age as well. This happens to most people each year, including myself. I get excited each time this happens, but friends of mine get depressed as they get older, and we are only in our twenties. Apparently, they believe this to be the best decade of our lives, and it's all downhill from here.

I'm turning 26 in a few months -- is this something I should look forward to, or fear?

Thanks, buddy. Hope you find your Nurse Chris!

-- Quarter-Centenarian

Dear Quarter-Cent,

Your friends are ridiculous; how could your twenties be the best decade of your life? Obviously, the best decade is your nineties, though unfortunately many people do not make it to see them. When you're 90-something, you're big shishya.

You can hide from your birthday if you wish to slow your aging process, like Telly tried to hide from the New Year on Sesame Street. I accidentally did this -- twice -- which is how I graduated college "early." Realizing I wanted to make it to 90 so I could enjoy the best years of my life, I crammed my 20th, 21st and 22nd years into one to get back on the normal age path. Who knows, I may do this again, and then repeat a few years when I'm in my 90s to fully appreciate that age range.

Look forward to your birthday, and thanks for remembering our anniversary. Who knows if Nurse Chris will be found; honestly, he is a quickly-fading memory. I am not even sure there ever was a Nurse Chris.

-- Dr. N

4th and 40th

4th Anniversary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Dear Dr Nello:

Happy fourth anniversary! My letter is also about an anniversary: my parents' fortieth. My mom and dad raised ten of us kids, and they'd like us to all get together in June to celebrate with them. We're having trouble figuring out what to do and where to go: getting a beach house in North Carolina, a farm retreat in New York, protesting the president in Virginia or gang-fighting in Ohio.

There have been a few squabbles on Facebook over this, and I fear, come June, it will be a disaster. Can you help us so that we can pull this off and still speak to each other afterwards?

-- Numero Sette

Dear #7:

Thank you for your well wishes on our anniversary, but I regret to inform you that your get-together will in fact be a disaster. I do not know your family, so I will make up names for each sibling, and here is what I envision happening:

"Juniper" will come with seven children but leave with six, only four of which are her own, and all will be spanked soundly.

"Janessa" will bring her own Porta-Potty and introduce "peanut-butternut-squash fudge," which will quickly end up in said Porta-Potty.

"Thor" will not smile in any picture and make fun of other's dress while wearing Crocs and confessing to not owning a single pair of jeans.

An uninvited homeless man will be turned away, but it is revealed this is actually "Lareasha" who has not showered or shaved in a week.

"Dwayne" will tell everyone about the amazing product he sells at work, the "Comfort Wipe," and publicly demonstrate its use.

"Anemone," in charge of getting the caterer, will only get seven salami slices for the entire family to share, but secretly eat them herself.

"Miroslav" will pay to opt out and go to Europe, but no one will notice he is missing. However, he will still be in charge of photoshopping the family picture.

"Voldemort" will tell dirty stand-up jokes. He will then reveal that he is in fact homeless and has been living in Juniper's van for three weeks.

"Chayse" will bring his "friend" Maurice. Every time Chayse holds a baby niece or nephew, a peculiar smell will be noticed, and yet the child's diaper is always dry.

"Riannon" will be mistaken for grandchild. At her piano recital/art show, her siblings will cover their eyes and ears and throw-up in the Porta-Potty.

Your mom will tell longs stories about the cat, not realizing one of your siblings ran it over that morning, and your dad will fall asleep in the corner, finally getting his peace and tranquility.

Initially planning to renew their wedding vows, your parents' marriage will stunningly be put "on hold" until the government allows "equality for all."

Enjoy!

-- Dr. N

An Affair to Forget

Dear Dr. Nello:

When my husband goes to work, I go to the neighbor's and bring a kitten home for the day. This has been going on for several weeks, and I'm afraid that there might be talk in the neighborhood. The sweet thing is a stray and needs a home.

This is the closest I've gotten to cheating on my husband and I like it -- a lot. Do you think I would be a good candidate for having an affair? Please advise.

-- Married to an Ogre

Dear M2aO:

Are you talking about cats? This is insane. Cats are only sweet when cooked, not caressed. I am going to pretend you are instead claiming to have an affair with a black dwarf-rabbit named "Bruno."

Anyone can be a candidate for an affair, you just need to do some proper planning. Assuming you are a mother, you can get good at cheating by playing board games with your children. A good example is "Monopoly," in which you can be the banker and take a few extra $100s when no one is looking. Mothers are notorious for cheating at games.

You will also need a good alibi for what you were doing with your time when you and Bruno go for walks on the grassy knoll, as your husband is bound to come home or call on his lunch break some day when you are not around. You should claim to start a new, impromptu activity, like:

1) Professional Mourner - randomly attend funerals of people you don't know (people are always dying).

2) Bird Feeder - throw loaves of bread at local fowl in the nearby park (requires hiking and may lead to an affair with the birds).

3) Pencil Vendor - import twig pencils from Poland and sell them for profit on the streets (these are a hot commodity; you'll make some good money!).

I hope this helps, but if it doesn't I'm not too disappointed.

-- Dr. N

Thorax Side Airbag

Dear Dr Nello:

My son is flying to Europe and I just know that he wants me to go with him. He's never directly asked me and has even stated most emphatically that he doesn't want me to come, but with my motherly intuition I know he really wants me to come. Getting my passport expedited will be the easy part. It's the airport security that's my problem.

For a 62 year old former beauty, I can still still hold my own in a crowd of elderly men. Nonetheless, as most Americans I've never been photographed naked and would prefer not to go that route now. I've never even been naked in a hospital. They supply you with gowns which provide modesty of a sort. Alone in the shower is as far as I take my nudity. I know when the Jews entered the concentration camps they were paraded naked before the Nazis who were going to execute them. Just because the TSA isn't necessarily going to kill us, is it OK to be naked scanned and maybe have the image saved? If so I will refuse to autograph my picture.

Do you suggest submitting to the groping pat down? I'm very ticklish and this could get weird. My sister recently flew from Canada, being fair skinned and blue eyed she looked suspicious and was groped with her blouse being raised and her stomach exposed. My stomach would be the envy of a starving person; however, I'm afraid that all this body touching is unsanitary and I would be at risk of bring home bedbugs or something else awful.

I'm concerned for my boy also. What if the same-sex patter-downer likes men too much? What if they use a woman who would get too friendly? He shouldn't have to travel leaving his modesty in the airport lobby.

What's a mother to do? Please respond promptly, we will be leaving right after Thanksgiving.

-- Doting

Dear Dottie:

First, let's get this straight: although I have never had a mother, I know when a son says he doesn't want to travel with his mom, he means it. Trust me, it is not a good idea to push him to the breaking point with threatening travel plans. Do, however, buy his minor admiration with Christmas presents.

I will now channel the weakened mentality of my missing compadre, Nurse Chris. The following thoughts are not my own, they are of Chabizzle shimself:

"Embrace your nudity! The TSA wants to see you nude? You should be flattered. Most people would have to pay others to look at them naked, and you get a freebie!

If you still mistakenly feel ashamed of your body, do a dance. Dancing releases endolphins into the atmosphere, which make you and anyone else who osmisifies them happy. Plus, moving quickly by shaking like a Quaker will blur the recorded image on the body scanner. A word of warning: I have heard a rumor that, on occasion, the TSA and the TVGuide sometimes cross wires, and your x-ray might end up being the in-flight movie.

In addition, I suggest counseling."

Nurse Chris is weird. Instead of following his advice, opt for the enhanced pat downs. A common misconception is thinking you are to stand still and follow the security agent's orders. Really, it's a game with witheld rules: Patty-Cake-Down. When the agent reaches out his hands for your nethernation, slap his hands back and start chanting "Miss Mary Mack." It's actually quite fun, and I don't know why there are so many complaint news stories out now.

If your son is old enough to travel for business, he can handle himself and his modesty. If a man is hitting on him, he should take advantage and get free stuff like wine bottles or magazine subscriptions, as long as it doesn't lead to a gwedding. If a woman is crushing on him, just set out an extra plate for Thanksgiving.

-- Dr. N

Cracing Costume

Dear Doctor Nello:

I didn't dress up for Halloween this year, carve a pumpkin or eat a single piece of candy. I'm pretty upset with myself for my lack of holiday spirit. I just had a great idea for what costume I could have come up with: I'm on crutches from recent surgery, and I could have been a marathon racer! How hilarious would that have been? I mean, you can't run a marathon on crutches! And the costume would have been simple, I'd just need to slap a big number on my t-shirt and throw on my stylish sweat bands.

Is it too late to use this costume idea in 2010? Diwali, the Indian Halloween, has also come and gone, and I'm not sure what opportunities I'll have between now and the end of the year to dress up.

-- Crippled and Costumeless

Dear C&C:

First of all, don't mock crutch racing, or "cracing." This sport is quickly gaining popularity, especially due to the annual "Crace for the Cure." We are not sure what the cure is, or what it is for, but we are cracing to find it.

I approve of your costume choice, and it is not too late to use it this year. You could always throw a "theme party," but if you're not of that persuasion, you have two days in December. Dec 3 is the International Day of Disabled People, a perfect time to celebrate your handicappity. Dec 9 is Halloween in December, which looks rockin'!

Let me know how it turns out, and if you want to donate to "Crace for the Cure," send me money and I'll make sure it gets to the right place.

-- Dr. N

Can't Stand Canadians

Doctor Doctor:

When I was in Europe, I was told by a Canuck I should put a maple leaf patch on my backpack. He was convinced Europeans hate Americans, and pretending I was Canadian would protect me. I don't like this thinking for two reasons: 1) I like being American, and 2) I don't want to be Canadian. You've been to Europe several times; what's your advice?

-- Undeniably Unitedstatesian

Dear UnUn:

It is a fact that Canadian accents are the most annoying in the universe, so why listen to what this fool? I've never had a problem traveling overseas, and this is because I am not an "ugly American." I am a "very handsome American."

It's not that Europeans hate Americans, it's that they dislike ugly people, so just don't be ugly.

I'd bet fifty Canadian bucks (USD$13) this guy is ugly, as he is from Canada, in which case he is probably hated by Europeans himself.

-- Dr. N

Pancakes, Perhaps Poison, Pose Problem

Dear Dockello:

This morning, I was excited. I had butter, milk, eggs and pancake mix simultaneously for the first time in over a year. I was going to make the best blueberry pancakes of the week, but I was crestfallen to discover the expiration date on the mix occurred three months ago.

I've heard a rumor that expired pancake mix can be poisonous, especially to young men, which is what I consider myself to be. What should I do? I don't want to die, but I'm very hungry and in the mood for flapjacks.

-- Starving in Suburbia

Dear Ving Urbi:

Don't let your crest fall. Poison is an old wive's tale, like allergies or glucose intolerance. It's psychosomatic, which means you'd have to be psycho to believe it could harm you. Expiration dates were invented by the government to scare citizens into buying more when their food is perfectly good. It's all a scheme to support Big Food, Big Government and Big Bird.

If' don't believe me and are afraid to use the "expired" product, you have another choice: make your own mix! You say you have milk, eggs and butter; there are only a few other ingredients needed for PPM. You'll need salt, flour and baking powder. These ingredients, while common, may not be on hand at your house, but there are some simple substitutions you can make.

Baking powder can be replaced with baking soda at a 1:4 ratio, but you must use buttermik. If you forgot to buy a botte of buttermilk, you can bypass this with 1 tbsp balsamic-less vinegar blended with each cup of milk, biding 5 minutes before adding the next ingredients.

Sugar substitutes salt, if the sweetness has been substantially sucked out.

Flour ("fluer") is french for "flower," which means you can fix your flapjack formula with fine flakes of fresh forsythia.

As I'm running out of steam for alliterations, let me just summarize by saying that baking is not a science; anything goes, and as long as you have heart, it'll turn out great!

-- Dr. N