It's Pronounced "Pro-PAY"

Hickory Dickory Doc:

I have an addiction to a non-addictive substance. I drink gallons of bottled water daily. This is not only expensive, but the mess from the empty bottles drives my family crazy. Even our beloved environmentalists are weighing in against bottled water these days. When the bottled water craze began, I resisted paying for something I could get free from a faucet in my home. I even have one of those oversized refrigerators with a chilled water dispenser in the door, yet I go on carting these heavy, expensive containers home from the store. Can you explain this? It's not helping me control my appetite, and the benefit factor is not obvious even to me. Is this actually a problem as family members claim, and if so is there help? Perhaps you could suggest clever gifts I can make with the piles of empty bottles?

-- One Who is Self-Propelled

Dear Self-Propelled:

If you are diabetic, Propel seems like a decent choice for consumption as it serves "as an alternative ... for people trying to avoid excess sugar and carbohydrates while still satisfying the body's need for electrolytes to combat dehydration." Of course, you could probably obtain electrolytes from several other cheaper sources, but at least you can claim some health benefit. However, there is no need to waste your money on the bottled Propels as there is now powdered Propel.

As you are addicted to this drink, though, I can tell you're going to keep purchasing the bottles in bulk, so let's think of creative things to do with the empty containers.

1. Punch holes in the tops and bottoms of the bottles. Run 6-foot strings through the bottles so there are about seven or eight bottles on a string. These can be hung from a ceiling or curtain rod, similar to beaded curtains. They can also be used as whips.

2. Strip off the labels, turn upside down and stack to create whimsical decorative statues.

3. Cut the bottles in half down the middle vertically and use the halves as ... something.

-- Dr. N

Fermented Food Fears

Dr. Nello:

I need advice. I have an adult son, he's at least over 21 and lives on his own. Quite regularly he calls around dinner time and asks, "Can I eat this rotten food?" It may be moldy cheese, spoiled tomatoes, stale cookie dough (as if that can ever go bad; sugar is a preservative isn't it?) or even a box of spaghetti he left on the floor of his car for six months. While it's good he keeps in touch and wants my opinion (at least on rotten food), is this normal: the desire to eat spoiled food? We didn't feed him rotten tomatoes when he was growing up, so I'm not sure from where this comes.

-- A True Epicurian

Dear Epinephrine:

Your son's behavior is perfectly normal for a young man with multiple taste buds. He probably just wants to try new foods and experience new taste sensations, and you should encourage his efforts. Be pleased that you don't have a picky son who requires you to make special meals.

However, we do know that mold, like Prozac, can lead to fever, nausea, diarrhea, dry mouth, vomiting, headache, nervousness, insomnia, drowsiness, anxiety, tremor, dizziness, fatigue, excessive sweating, hair loss and death. Therefore you should steer him towards trying new foods that won't ill/kill him. If he's earlytwentysomething and living on his own, I doubt he'll want to cook too much, and he probably doesn't have the money to dine out, I recommend befriending a French rat.

One question I can't answer about moldy foods (so I'm glad you didn't ask it) is if bleu cheese is mold, how do you know when it's gone bad? Isn't it by definition already bad?

-- Dr. N

¿Spamalicious?

Eighteen:

Show your woman show girl yourself care and are willing to help you. That can be revoked if a reference check is not favorable.

-- Constance Milton

Dear Constance:

It tells here how the stars see them fleeing. What have I done to you that you should turn from me like this? "Davie, take me away from him," she cried.

"There's something wrong here," Bazin, who was an ill-looking big man, told us.

It was surely a strange neighbourhood and house for a young lady to be. Some childish freak that was manifestly tender; that she alone some other place, and reading myself whenever I was tempted to "It will be all one to me," she cried. "I prefer to be disgraced."

"That remains to be yet seen," said I. "But so much I need!" I thought I had been a gull and a ninny and a soft Tommy. But it was was wholly beaten from my mind by the vehemency of my discomposure. This made a welcome diversion for all three of us. Dunkirk! We left our horses at the post, and found a guide to Bazin's. He led us at once either to the altar or the field. There sprang a patch of red in either of her cheeks. He came with one of his queer smiles. What was I telling ye, David?

"French nobleman," he told me, "excuse him." I was in no haste to make my presence known; the further though she must have stood behind it listening. She remained there; at times I could hear a creak of the machinery. I could very well understand how she should avoid James More.

I told him, "Ay, it was the same," and he withheld me some time from my butt. When I argued with myself, I grew more hopeful. She had cut that and his nose upon one side. As soon as I came in, the girl looked at me but knew not where I was. I had forgot why I was happy; only I knew she.

This did not interest me in the smallest, and at the door she dismissed me, some things said and done, and some that would be better to be forgotten. I supposed that our affairs have got so much ravelled.

-- Dr. N

[This message was put together from two pieces of spam.]

Second Opinion on Cell Phone Etiquette

Dear Dr. Nello:

When you’re having dinner with someone, is it okay to answer your cell phone? And is it rude to leave your phone on the table?

-- Always Connected

Dear Always Connected:

I don't consider it rude to answer the phone during dinner ... you'd probably do the same thing if a call came through on a landline. It's actually rude to the person calling you if you DON'T answer. Your dinner guests will still be there when the call is done; the caller, however, will not be there if you ignore them.

Consider if you were at a restaurant with someone and a friend walked by and said hello. Would you ignore them? No, you'd acknowledge their presence, and you should treat the cell phone caller with the same respect.

If you feel that answering the phone tells your dinner guest they're unimportant to you, put the phone on speaker and have a conference call. Friends walking by in the restaurant can feel free to join in as well.

As for leaving your phone on the table, it depends on what kind of phone you have and if you plan to do secret texting. If you have a really way cool phone like my RAZR, which is super awesome, it makes a great conversation piece because of it's neato features. However, if you want to do under-the-table texting (which, for those born before 1975, means writing telegrams with your portaphone via instant "E" mailing), it's best to keep the phone on your lap.

-- Dr. N

HAPPY NELLOVERSARY!

Even a grisly murder and the WGA strike can't stop them from answering your questions, solving your problems and making the world the best place to live.

n08, Y2K8, and 1/6/08

Many of you have already discovered n08, the temporary replacement for Dr. Nello's blog while the doctor was on strike and Nurse Chris is still dead. Now that this blog is back, n08 has been moved to this new address (although let's be honest, we're not promising much in the way of updates).

Meanwhile, Dr. Nello would like to say that while it seems he's been on strike since mid-November, he actually did answer a series of letters earlier in December, but as our computers weren't prepared for that nasty Y2K8 bug, the post got lost until now (see below).

Finally, our one-year anniversary is fast approaching ... next Sunday (1/6/08) is our blog's birthday!

Replies to Free Couch Ad on Craigslist

Oh, there is no picture there, could you email it to me?

-- RHK

Hi I'd love to come get this item. You you please let me know the address.

-- Jenn

If it is already claimed for can, you email me..because I won't make arrangements to get our trailer tonight to pick up the couch email me or call me let me know either way
THX!

-- Jennifer

I am interested in the couch posted today. I live about 50 miles east of Pittsburgh, but will be willing to travel. Where in Squirrel Hill do you live? I am not very familiar with the area except for the tubes. :)

-- Dave

Hi, I just wrote you (about a second ago) about the couch you have listed. I've been wanting one of this sort for a really long time but can't afford one new, and heh...usually not even used. But I'd be happy to offer you some cash for this couch. Let me know!

-- Justina

Do you still have the couch!? Thanks!

-- Holly

Dear All:

For a picture of the couch, click here -- note that there are several large stains on it from furniture abusing roommates. Also no, I do not have that couch anymore. I gave it to a very weird girl.

In lieu of giving you a couch, I will mock you.

Jenn: You have a double letter in your name, but this does not mean you you should repeat your pronouns.

Jennifer: The couch has not been "claimed for can," but if you're not making trailer arrangements I hope you're not expecting me to. THX forever!

Dave: I think that's funny that you are willing to drive two hours round trip for a crappy couch, but even funnier that you call Pittsburgh tunnels "the Tubes." I don't live in Squirrel Hill anymore. Don't use emoticons.

Justina: I kind of want your money but the whole "heh...usually not even used" line makes me repulse you too much to accept.

-- Dr. N

DR. NELLO JOINS WGA STRIKE

Realizing that he, too, is a writer and hoping to jump on the bandwagon before it's unpopular, Dr. Nello has joined the 2007 Writers Guild of America's Strike. "I'm not really sure about all the details of the strike," he explained, "but I figured this would give me a good excuse to stop working for a while and spend time on other things I like to do, like writing on my other blog."


Until the WGA resolves its issues with the AMPTP, or Dr. Nello grows tired of the strike, there will be no new posts on this website.

(Meanwhile, an individual who looks suspiciously like the late Nurse Chris was also seen, but unavailable for comment.)

Famblogs

Dear Doctor:

You may be a quack, but I don't know where else to turn, and besides you're free. I am currently addicted to several family blogspots and waste too much time on them. That's not my problem, though, as I have more time than money anyway. My problem is that when I read these blogs I instantly want to comment and say something sarcastic. With some families I know they will give as good as they get, and might even enjoy it, but others might think my comments are offensive.

Right now I have been holding back for days with not commenting after someone's sweet picture, "Am I the only one here who sees the strong resemblance to Princess Leah?" This is accurate and very funny, but I am sure it would be interpreted as rude. So should I 1) stop reading family blogs, 2) never comment (too hard!), 3) be brutally honest and funny, or 4) start one more self-help group and charge, so I could have more money than time?

-- One Who Amuses Herself Very Much

Dear Person:

I think you mean Princess Leia, from Star Wars. Princess Leah is actually a very different character, and is quite an insult.

I am a big fan of being brutally honest and funny. That's how I answer most of my letters. For example, much of your letter is nonsensical and leads me to believe your were intoxicated while writing it ("more time than money," what does that have to do with anything?). However, I am a doctor and therefore I am allowed to say such things, whereas you have probably not held a real job in over 30 years.

What I recommend you is find a new hobby, so you're not wasting so much time on family blogs and tempting yourself to write acerbic criticisms. For example, you could try to crack the musical Da Vinci Code, like this man (or produce "Da Vinci Code: The Musical").

One last thing, please do not think that you can anonymously comment on these famblogs and no one will know it was you.

-- Dr. N

Simple Answer for Cat Problem

Dear Doctor Nello:

I have a cat, Ylgu, who constantly makes annoying meowing noises that drive me and the others in the house crazy. I've tried throwing heavy objects at him, shutting him in the basement, and yelling at him to shut up with no results. Do you have any suggestions besides killing him? I don't want to kill him and I don't feel like paying someone to do it.

-- Esebo Yrev, Nowheresville

Dear Esebo:

The answer is simple. Kill the cat. Amen.

-- Dr. N

Got Talent?

Dear Dr. Nello:

My family cannot peaceably run talent shows together. Does this mean we should get a divorce?

-- Too Personal in Slumsville

Dear 2Personal:

Why would you want to run a talent show anyway? This is the 21st century. We have television. There is no need to sit around watching each other perform magic tricks or yodel in Latin when we can just flip on the tube.

I can tell, though, you must be one of those "traditional" people that shuns electronic media, "unschools" their children and hosts tea parties. You're going to go ahead and keep planning events like "Slumsville's Got Talent" in your living room. Here is my list of suggestions for Successful Home Innate-Talent shows (or Successful HIT shows, for short):

1) The only languages allowed for songs are English, Vulgarity and Finnish.
2) A gong, a cane and several rotten tomatoes are provided for fast removal of poor quality acts.
3) There must be at least one act involving bodily functions. (If you find this too crude, you can substitute Jell-O wrestling.)
4) The closing song should be an acoustic rendition of "Ladybug, Ladybug."

Follow these steps and there should be no need for family divorce. If tensions should remain, though, please call the Nurse Chris Memorial Family Counseling Hotline, 1-800-NCZ-DEAD.

-- Dr. N

Spiders and Sheets

Dear Doctor Nello:

How often ought a lady change the sheets on beds for her guests? Once a week? Once a year? What if she feels quite certain that giant spiders are occasionally sleeping in the guest beds, but also occasionally laundering the sheets?

-- Confused as a Cupcake

Dear CaaC:

First of all, spiders are not only gross, but dangerous to your eyelashes. Therefore, if you think there are giant spiders in your basement, I recommend bombing the bedroom. Not bug-bombing but literally bombing it to smithereens.

Another approach you can take is arming your guests with mythical swords such as "Sting" from the Lord of the Rings. I fell asleep the last several times I tried watching that movie, but I'm fairly sure that "Sting" slays spiders of great dimensions. (As a side note, I hear the movies were so successful they're novelizing them as a book trilogy. Exciting!)

I have never heard of spiders laundering sheets. However, I do know of a verifiable medical case were a girl had a boil on her face. The boil grew larger and larger until it exploded and hundreds of tiny spiders crawled out.

In general, when spider infestations are not a concern, follow the "underwear" rule for sheets. After two uses, flip and use twice again, then wash.

-- Dr. N

D$@#!

Dr. Nello:

Someone I know keeps writing "derpt" on things. Is this funny?

-- Getting Derpt-pressed in Ohio

Dear Derpt-pressed:

It really depends on what "things" this person is writing on. For example, if he's writing "derpt" on a BMW or a national monument, that's not funny, but if he's writing "derpt" on his posterior (or his posterity), that could be funny.

The term "derpt" itself is not one that I was immediately familiar with, and a quick scan of drMediPedia proved unfruitful. However, out of the top five results of Google, I have determined "derpt" to be one of three things: 1) a misheard quote from a movie, 2) an alternate spelling of Tartu, the second largest city of Estonia, or 3) part of a biochemical computer code from the Université de Liège. Let's examine the funniness of its usage in each case.

1) Quoting a movie has a funniness limit of 10 usages per month. Misquoting a movie is only funny the first 5 times. If this person has passed their limit, they are no longer funny.

2) Tartu, being the second-largest city in a country known mostly as "the other one besides Latvia and Lithuania," and having the alternate spelling "Derpt," is funny to write about. It's just so ridiculous, like Unalaska, Alaska or Twin Buttes, NM.

3) It is never funny to write computer code (especially on T-shirts), even if it does refer to an institution with a very funny name.

So as you can see, it is only funny if a) "Derpt" refers to Tartu or b) it is written on a rear end. If this person is writing "Derpt, Estonia" on his rear in Twin Buttes, NM, then it is very funny. Otherwise, chances are it's not funny.

Finally, for more information on funniness, you should consult TBS.

-- Dr. N

Nonanonymous, But Still Stupid

Dear NC:

I have this friend ... um ... we'll call her "Janet." She has an obsession with sending you e-mails that are neither funny nor clever (it will be easy to spot them). You and the doctor have been kind enough to answer them, but I can guess how much of a pain it is. I desperately need advice on how to tell her that her e-mails probably should have never even been written they're so stupid. I really don't want to hurt her feelings (I hope she doesn't realize this letter is from me) but if it's necessary, then I'll do it.

But there is something else too. I have to be the worst speller in the world. I once wrote a valentine for some friends, and instead of writing,"Domenica and Krissy" I wrote, "Damn it, Krissy." Can you help me at all?

-- [Please Insert Name Here]

PS. I'm glad to finally find out your gender! Though I still doubt it's possible to change from male to female...

Dear No Name:

Nurse Chris is dead, but I'll pass on the message.

We are quite familiar with "Janet." I have actually received phone calls from this individual (which is strange and slightly disturbing as I have an unlisted number). She has demanded to know why her some of her emails went unanswered, and I explained that I refuse to answer questions that 1) refer to cats as humans, 2) contain "Nello-head" or "Dr. Quack," or 3) simply don't make any sense. She seems to have gotten the message as it has been months since I've heard from her. You don't need to worry about Janet.

For others, though, how do you politely tell them their emails are stupid without offending them? The answer is simple: you can't do it politely. Just be rude and blunt. Some things are more important than friendships, such as intelligence, pride, money and chocolate.

As to the spelling issue, I think a better question is why were you writing a valentine to two girls at once? I suggest investing in an unabridged dictionary, a swift kick in the butt, and (in memory of Nurse Chris) counseling.

-- Dr. N

WHO KILLED NURSE CHRIS

As the murder investigation of the beloved Nurse Chris continues, we will be reporting any discoveries and accusations on a new blog, whokillednursechris.blogspot.com, and reserve this blog for the usual posts.

LETTER, CLUES DISCOVERED IN NURSE'S BEDROOM

Nurse Chris's body was found dead in her bedroom in early August with a screwdriver piercing her right temple. Several clues have been discovered that may implicate suspects as police continue to solve her mysterious and grizzly murder.

The most prominent clue so far was a letter addressed to "You Filthy Man-Woman Slob." It was apparently from a former employee of Dr. Nello's who felt "brushed aside [by the doctor] in favor of a tramp ... with the intelligence of a decapitated sewer rat and the odor of an unwashed Siamese monkey fish." It was signed "Your Fellow, Doctor Fello."

Pittsburgh police believe that this letter may be from the unpopular Doctor Francis J. Fello, a former employee fired by Dr. Nello this summer for not writing posts on schedule. Nurse Chris was notorious (and fired) for also not posting on time, but was rehired. Meanwhile, the forgettable Dr. Fello has not been rehired.

Police have named Dr. Fello a murder suspect, but stress that he is a "person of disinterest."

Police have also promised a report due tomorrow on other clues and suspects, with "an exciting twist you never saw coming!"

Fuddy Duddy

Hello Dr. Nello:

I have an awkward brother and a pushy sister who cannot find love despite both having experienced some academic success. My mother worries for my sister, I worry for my brother, and my father, well, he is too busy stealing grapes one at a time from the grocery store and overcooking bacon to really notice anything.

I have recently heard a rumor that my brother and sister, both conscious that they may never find someone to accept them for who they really are, have toyed with the idea of becoming each other's "safeties." Shall the Hapsburg Jaw replace the Clavin forehead as our family crest? Is there anything to do here?

-- Rightful Claimant Of Father's Wealth Upon His Death

Dear Primogenitor:

I've always believed the best way to prevent inbreeding is to ban country music, but you have presented another challenge to the notion of non-consanguinity. As you have so expressed your concern for your siblings, I have no doubt that you've already tried playing matchmaker, such as using your children to introduce your brother to homely Protestant girls on the beach or outright asking your sister in front of company why she wants to be an old maid.

However, you have other options. For your brother: many mail-order bride companies are now accepting orders from anonymous donors. For your sister: mail-order bride companies might hire your sister if you send them her resume.

Another option is to make them extremely competitive against each other, which will inspire them to beat the other to getting married. Tell one that his graduate school is more highly ranked than his sister, and tell the other that her school is more religious than her brother's. But make sure that you still look better than either of them: tell them both that you have more degrees than them and your school was more religious than either of them.

-- Dr. N

PS. I have a feeling that although your siblings are unmarried, your brother has more hair than you and your sister ... well, she might have more facial hair than you.

BOMB FOUND IN NELLO'S OLD APARTMENT, LINK TO NURSE CHRIS

With the tragic murder of the beloved Nurse Chris still under investigation, a discovery made today suggests that his/her death may have been part of a plot to kill Dr. Nello as well.

Dr. Nello recently upgraded to a penthouse in nearby luxury apartments, moving out of his old Pittsburgh residence in mid-August. The three current female tenants were clearing out the basement (which contained items left from the tenants before Dr. Nello) when they discovered a 12 oz. bottle of nitroglycerin. A firetruck, several police cars, a paramedic van and a bomb squad were called in to remove the explosive while the apartment and its surrounding homes were evacuated.

Lab analysis revealed that the nitroglycerin had only partially crystalized. A fully crystalized sample could have detonated at the slightest movement, but in its partially crystalized state, it was still deadly. Knocking or dropping the bottle could crack it, which as one paramedic put it, could have "blown up the place. You'd be dead."

The bottle was discovered last week, but although it is labelled "NITROGLYCERIN" the current tenants were unaware of its danger until today, when they called the police.

It is unclear who placed the explosive in the basement, if it was intended to kill Dr. Nello, or if it has any relationship to the Nurse Chris murder. Dr. Nello says of the discovery, "I'm lucky to be alive. To think, I did laundry in that basement several times and could have accidentally used [the bottle of nitroglycerin], mistaking it for detergent. To be sure, those damn spots would be out, but I'd also be dead."

If indeed the bomb was meant for Dr. Nello, it seems the potential killer was unaware that Dr. Nello had moved.

Dr. Nello did accused some individuals of using the nitroglycerin to construct meth labs in his basement, including his archrival Dear Flabby. He later retracted these claims when it was pointed out that nitroglycerin is, in fact, not used in meth labs. His credibility as a doctor was briefly questioned, but these doubts were dispelled when he proved he must be a real doctor as his name is, after all, "Doctor" Nello.

The bottle was marked with the letters "JS," which was thought to have stood for "JustineSpired" but was later proved to be the letters "US" in "VERY DANGEROUS." (The ink on the "U" was partially faded, resembling a "J.")

[For more information, check out my new second blog at http://hereinpittsburgh.blogspot.com/.]

SAD NEWS

I haven't posted in over a month because I've been mourning the passing of a dear friend. Nurse Chris was found August 5th with a screwdriver in Nurse Chris's head. The death is still being investigated. -- Dr. N

Anonymous Commenter

Dr. Nello:

I have a pretty popular blog, but there's one fan I could do without. This particular reader sometimes uses an alias, but often just signs as "anonymous." I understand that it's slightly more effort to have to type in your name rather than just clicking the "anonymous" option, but this fan has a Blogger account (meaning it's just as simple to sign in with her real name). At first I thought she was signing anonymously because she didn't feel like signing in, but I've heard that she truly believes she's tricking me into thinking it's some other reader. She knows I don't think she's clever (especially compared to my profound cleverness), so she thinks by pretending to be someone else, I'll see the wit in her posts. As Shakespeare says, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and a post by anonymous is still stupid." What can I do to stop her from posting anonymously?

-- A. Nonny, Mass.

Dear A. Nonny:

You could simply turn off anonymous commenting, but this wouldn't send the full message. What you need to do is blog about this exact issue: write an article on why she's sooooo annoying when she pretends to be someone else. Remind her that she is not clever AT ALL. When she makes herself laugh (because she is easily amused) she is the only one laughing. Don't forget to explicitly say that you are not joking and are extremely serious. I doubt she'll want to keep anonyposting after that.

-- Dr. N