Bail Us Out

Speaking of Irrelevant:

Does Dr. Nello still exist? He reminds me of an insect that lived too long but then made a contribution by reproducing right before he died (the NelloFamilyBlog). I think I heard someone say that once.

-- Ummm in Virginia

Dear Virginia:

Yes, there is a Dr. Nello. And also a Nurse Chris. I understand your confusion about our existance, though, because it (surprise!) has been awhile since our last letter response. This is because we've been waiting for our bailout. Like many other industries in 2008, we have not seen good profit returns; as a matter of fact, we've made 5% less than last year! This is obviously not due to the quality of our services, but rather because we haven't been given free money from the government yet.

We thought we had mentioned this before, but apparently we forgot, so we're saying it now. Please, give us money now, or we're just going to take it when you elect us prez and v-prez. Somewhere in the range of $20B should do.

-- Dr. N

APPARENTLY, SPIDERS ARE POPULAR HERE

Dr. Helpful or Nurse Loveless?

Dear Readers:

For this post, instead of answering one of your questions, I'm posing a question that I want you to answer.

Today at church the homily was about advice columns. At first, I was wondering where the priest was going with his fifteen minute introduction of Dear Abby's career, and the snippets of advice from her column were uninsightful, to say the least. But then he contrasted her advice style with that of a 1930s predecessor, "Miss Loveless."

Miss Loveless was actually a male editor who mockingly answered his writers. For example, a girl wrote that she was tired of being made fun of and, now that she was 16, wanted boyfriends. The one problem? She was born without a nose.

Now, had I received a letter from Noseless Nancy, my reply would involve several jokes like "I nose a few things you could do, pick one of them." (Nurse Chris, of course, would just suggest counseling.)

But this is exactly the kind of attitude the pastor decried this morning. Miss Loveless lacked empathy like Nancy lacked nostrils. I think the homily was specifically directed at me, and that the priest was trying to tell me that I need to change my ways. And that, like Miss Loveless, there's a problem with Nurse Chris's gender indentity issues.

What do you think? Should I refrain from any humor and give only Ann Landers-ish advice? Or do we outdo even Miss Loveless at her most lovelessness?

-- Dr. N

Asking About An Austrailian Avian-Adoring Arachnid

Dear Dr. Nello:

I ordered a giant bird-eating spider from Australia, but it was accidentally shipped to the house of my sister in New York. The postal service claims they left the open box in my sister's mud room. I don't think she likes spiders. What should I do?

-- Oops in Ohio

Dear Poos in Ohio:

If only I had answered this letter a week ago, I could have used a Halloween theme. That'll teach me to delay. To make up for it, I'll give you 13 things you can do.

1. Offer to send an industrial size pack of toilet paper, quadruple ply, to squash it.

2. At least now she won't have to worry about Lady Bird, be it that red cardinal that's always attacking it's reflection or the late wife of Lyndon Johnson.

3. Don't kids love cardboard boxes? What's she complaining about?

4. Tell her you actually bought an expensive japanese silver-winged cockamamie, and the spider must have crawled inside the box during shipment. Emphasive the expensiveness, and ask that she chip in to cover the loss.

5. Remind her that although she has a bird-eating spider, at least she doesn't have a boil on her face that will erupt causing thousands of tiny spiders to crawl all over her face, like that one girl in "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark."

6. When she calls about the giant spider, act confused and say, "I didn't send a giant spider ... I just sent a regular size one. Are you shrinking?" Send some other giant things over the next few weeks; this could be the greatest non-April Fool's Day April Fools prank!

7. It's possible that this spider is Arachne or Anansi. Maybe she sould try talking to it.

8. Does she have a giant baby? A giant spider and a giant baby wrestling could be entertaining (or maybe just gross).

9. Refer her to Nurse Chris for counseling.

10. Send a cockatoo-eating python. She'll still hate the spider, but receiving the first two of a collectors series of bird-eating animals might satisfy her.

11. Get a nuclear bird. I don't really know what a nuclear bird is, but someone on Flickr has a picture of one. Anyway, if she feeds this bird to the spider, and the spider bites someone, that person will get both spider and bird powers. (Or they'll die from the radiation. Best to let someone not in the family test it first).

12. Or better yet, just get a giant bird. I mean, birds eat spiders, so giant birds should eat giant spiders, right? This could be a problem if the giant bird also eats children, so check the label first.

13. Don't worry, Obama will take care of it, just like her gas and mortage.

-- Dr. N

ANNOUNCING ... 2012

Disappointed with the results of the 2008 elections, Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris have decided they need to take action for this nation's political future. They're officially announcing their intent to possibly run for president and vice president of the United States.

Explaining their desire to explore the notion of maybe seeking the highest office, Dr. Nello explains, "Originally, we were deterred by our lack of executive experience, but as was shown this year, experience is like that creepy-beard Skittles commerical: irrelevant." (When it was pointed out to the bloggers that each candidate this year was either a senator or a governor, Dr. Nello said, "Don't be distracted by those distractions!")

Nurse Chris adds, "We feel confident about winning if we actually go through with this, because it would be a historical first, electrifying voters. I would be the first hermaphroditic tranny to be #2 in the nation!" Nurse Chris then snickered at saying "number two."

"Of course," Dr. Nello interjects, "I might get to busy or forget or something. But I've really put a lot of thought into it this last hour."

Nurse Chris mused on a few simple, vague campaign slogans: "Probably Could," "Breakfast First," "Change Hope's Diaper" and "Counseling."

Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris immediately suspended their campaign until further notice.

Discussing Dirty Death, Drugs, Dermatology Deals

Dr. Nello:

If you [CENSORED] behave in ded as [CENSORED], pilules will definately help you...

Find health information on a variety of health topics including skin care, osteoporosis, and smoking, user support and cough and cold...

Here is incredible prices!

-- Carolee Eveleigh

Dear Caroleevellee Whatever:

This is just what I needed. I have always had trouble [CENSORED] playing dead. Normally I wouldn't concern myself with such moribund quandaries, but Halloween is quickly approaching. I eagerly await learning how pillows can defiantly help. I have quite a pillow collection already; can I use my current inventory or do I need to invest in specialty biolysis bolsters?

I am glad you are offering me health information on health topics. Other people have offered me health information on automotive topics, or economic information on health topics, but no one before has presented health info and health topics together. And a variety, too! Skin care, osteoporosis (maybe that one was meant for Nurse Chris), smoking, user support ...

Wait, "user support" is a health topic? Sounds more like non-health, like tech support. I guess maybe I'm just dangerously out of touch with health care.

Those prices is truly inbelizeable!

-- Dr. N

Picture This

[Today's post comes as a picture; we responded likewise.]

Dear Doctor:

-- Matthew S., Ohio

Dear Matthew:


-- Dr. N

Mystery Man Might've Mistyped

Dr. Nello:

I want to buy your house.

-- William

William:

Is this somehow a reference to the current state of the economy? Or was this highly coincidental spam? At any rate, I appreciatively decline. For one thing, I don't have a house. I have a MANSION. I'm not really looking to move right now, I'm happy where I am. So many memories attached to this place, so many skeletons in the closets; I don't think I could part with it.

Since this proposal lacks relevant specifics like offer price or move-in date, perhaps you made a typo and meant to say "I want to 'come by' your house." In which case, I must still decline. I'm uncomfortable with non-female strangers dropping by, and in fact you sound like a creepy stalker or something.

Or maybe you really mean you want to buy my "mouse." And instead of "mouse" you mean "cat." And instead of "your" cat you mean "any" cat. And instead of "buy" you mean "kill." You "want to kill any cat." In that case, be my guest.

But not my house guest.

-- Dr. N

SHOCKING (SORTA)

Issue highlights: Nurse Chris comes out saying something blurry. Dr. Jello loves life with entourage after short stint in blogosphere. Dr. Nello explains why he hacked brother's cell phone. Dear Flabby's weight loss impeded by voracious appetite.

Past, Present ... and Future?

Dear Doctor Nello:

As I rapidly approach my twenty-third-and-a-half birthday, I look back at my life and think of all the things I still haven't done. I haven't earned a million dollars, I haven't invented edible shoes, I haven't jet-skied on Mars ... the list goes on. What's worse, though, is that I am columnist and lately haven't felt inspired to write anything. Why, it's probably been over a month since I last posted an article. What should I do?

-- Almost 23.5

Dear A23.5:

I, too, sometimes look at my life and realize that there is so much I have yet to accomplish. Actually ... that never happens. But we do share in common our occasional lack of enthusiasm when it comes to posting. As a matter of fact, it's been almost two months since I've posted on this blog, clearly violating my unwritten rule of always posting at least one letter per month.

But you wouldn't have known that unless I told you, because I have used a time machine. That's right, even though this email says August 21 it was actually written September 15! Oh, the wonders of modern technology.

Time machines are suprisingly available almost anywhere ... eBay, Target and even some 7-Elevens. They aren't cheap, though, so you'll have to steal a lot of money first. When you get one, though, you'll find you now have plenty of time to finish all those tasks on your list.

One warning though ... your lack of motivation could lead to a slow demise of your once grand website and your faithful patron list will trickle down to just that one crazy woman who claims to be your mom. Even a time machine can't fix that. It's probably time to adopt a new strategy, maybe you should try a vlog to spice things up?

-- Dr. N

iTUNES LEAKS NEW NURSE CHRIS SIDE PROJECT

Seems like Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris are never satisfied simply running this website; they always feel the need to branch out and expand into other media outlets. Whether it's movies (Naked Death 8), books (The Doctor is In and So is His Nurse) or music (N'n'N's Good Thing We're Not Related), they're producing something spectacular.

Available exclusively on iTunes, Nurse Chris is releasing a solo project, "NAKED: Ask the Dr Chris" workout/advice video. "The problem with most people," explains Nurse Chris, "is that they are fat and stupid. In my video, I suggest counseling while giving instructions on squats and lunges, solving psychological problems and burning calories. It's killing two birds with one stone, and who doesn't like killing birds?"

This is the first solo venture for the doctor or nurse. Dr. Nello refused to tell what exactly his side project would be, but promised it would come soon and "be better than Nurse Chris's."

Clearing Coffee, Pt. 2

Nurse Kris:

My mom is always clearing my coffee cups, and most of the time they're still half full. She's obsessive about putting my mugs in the dishwasher, she will even go so far as to take a cup I drinking out of my hands. Her behavior is out of control and I'm thinking that the only solutions are to move out (at the early age of 23) or to put her in a home (whose home exactly I don't know, maybe the neighbors?). Please weigh in with your thoughts.

-- Maxwell House

Dear Mad Max:

Sounds like your mother is what we call a Mother Always Ridding Your Cups Away Viciously In Numbers, often called a MARYCLAVIN. This disorder is common in middle aged women looking half their age who have had 10 or more children. They get so accustomed to clearing cups and dishes while their family is growing, that when their children are old enough to clear things on their own, they clear every cup in sight to compensate for the work they are used to.

Fortunately there are solutions to your problem. First you could move out like you suggested, but then you would have to buy your own food. While this may mean your soft tacos will be large and plentiful on taco night, overall it's not a plus.

You could also stop drinking, but that's probably not healthy, so I would suggest acquiring what I like to call, an "evermug." An evermug is simply a coffee mug that you super glue to your hand so no one will ever be able to clear it again! However, you will lose most of the use in whichever hand you glue the mug to.

So in the end I would most strongly support counseling. Hopefully you will be able to understand your mother's problem and learn to deal with having to grab a new mug every now and then. God speed.

-- Da N

Clearing Coffee, Pt. 1

Doctor:

I have a son who is taller than Abe Lincoln yet is always whining when he leaves his coffee cups all over the house -- sometimes for days -- and they get cleared to the sink or dishwasher. Do you think because of his height he has his head in the clouds, or that he's a slob, or that his mother's helpfulness is just plain unappreciated? Would it be best if he gave notice and moved to another state in the next two weeks?

-- Just Curious in Endwell

Dear Curious: Have you spoken to your son about these coffee cups? Most likely he plans on reusing the cup before washing (saving you on your water bill), and this is behavior for which you should commend him. He might also be trying follow the new trend of "going green" by growing mold in his cups. If his cup is left out for a few days, he may have just grown a new art project, replacement facial hair for alpaca patients, or even a cure for some deadly disease like Spontanteous dental hydroplosion!

It is also possible that your son simply has not finished his coffee and would like to drink it before you clear it, and doesn't want anyone touching his Carnegie Mellon mug anyway. Maybe you should move out.

(Alpaca or alopecia, I always get those two confused. Alcapulco?)

-- Dr. N

The Shortest Post

Docandnurse:

Is this thing [the message box above] working yet?

-- Lady Gaga

Dear U:

Yes.

-- Dr. N

THE REASON FOR THE TIMER, NEW COLORS

Causerie on Curses

Deere Doctor:

There's a curse on my house or my family or something, and it's bad. Every Saturday, someone gets seriously injured fingerwise. First my brother nearly chopped his fingertip off, then my other brother sliced his finger on a shard of glass. But there's more to the curse than just that! My first brother injured his index finger, and my second brother hurt his middle finger. Naturally, the next finger to go is the digitus medicinalis, the ring finger!

Obviously curses are real, so I'm scared redunculously that I'm next. At the same time, I have a glimmer of hope. I noticed that the injuries have only occurred when my brothers were home alone doing chores. I'll be cleaning Friday but not Saturday, as I'm going to my cousin's wedding out of town. Also, the first affliction was severe enough to warrant a trip to the ER, but the second wasn't quite as serious. I hope this means that the next incident will be very minor.

What do you think of my predicament? Am I safe as long as I stay out of town? If not, what can I do to break this curse (instead of my finger)?

-- Distraught over Doom of Digit

Dear D°D°D:

If movies such as "The Ring" or "Final Destination" have taught us anything, it's that stupid horror films make for more stupid sequels. Something else we can learn from them is that curses can't be avoided but then can be overcome.

First, let's examine what's likely to happen. The first two injuries were just a taste of the awfulness that is about to come. The damage will not be less, it will be far greater than before. (I'm thinking your finger will explode, or liquefy, or become a hotdog.) It will occur on Saturday, whether you are home or not, because "home is where the fart is." You are correct that it will be the ring finger, and luckily there are some options.

You can battle, trick or transfer the curse. Battling the curse will involve extensive research to see what its origin is and will likely involve a confrontation with the Goblin King and dramatic shouting of "You have no power over me." You might try tricking the curse by wearing a foam finger or something similar (but this could backfire if the foam finger spontaneously ignites). Finally, you can transfer the curse by getting another family member to do a chore on Saturday and saying the magic words "ishyha maka." Be careful, though, and don't blame me if your cousin's finger falls off while she's cutting the cake.

Let me know how it goes, if you can still type.

-- Dr. N

Finger in the Lawn

Nurse Chris:

Recently I injured myself in a rather embarrassing manner. I have an important interview coming up, and there's no way I can hide it, and I'm sure I'm going to be asked about it. Should I tell the truth about how it happened, sigh "long story" and not give any more details, or make up a heroic tale in which I got hurt saving someone's life? I'm sure you had similar experiences when you tried out for the NBA after accidentally cooking your leg.

-- Wearing a Giant Fake Finger in Oxford, NY

Dear Ox Sized Finger:

You're going to have to lie your way out of this one. Luckily for you, studies have shown that 91.7% of people in the US (96.4% in Canada!) pick their nose (even if they deny it), and 54% of those people have injured themselves in a picking accident. What you need to do when you are asked about it is say something along the lines of, "Well to be honest, I was picking my nose really hard, my nail got caught and ripped right off." Chances are your employers are nose pickers and will sympathize with you. I wouldn't be surprised if they open up and tell you their own nose picking injury stories! Plus, they will appreciate having an honest employee who isn't afraid to tell them things.

An alternative to the above suggestion is to make up a story in which you performed some heroic action like you said, such as saving children from a burning orphanage and while you were running through the building, a support beam fell on your hand. If your employer is an environmentalist you could say that you were feeding birds organic bird food and one bird started eating your finger and you couldn't shoo it away because you didn't want to hurt the beautiful creature. Once again your employers will appreciate an employee like you.

Yes I have had similar problems since burning my leg when I was hungry, but I've learned to try not to look at my injuries as obstacles to getting hired, but rather use them as a poles and vault myself into a high level position! Look where I am now, a nurse on a hugely popular advice site! However, if you can't do this, I suggest counseling to help you cope with the emotional stress of never getting a good job due to stupidity beyond that of your youngest brother's.

-- the NURSE

Animated Discussion

Dead Letter

Dear Sir/Madam:

My name is Mrs Susan Abu. I'm the personal secretary to the new Minister of Finance. I'm directed to contact you by the Minister to urgently confirm from you if actually you know one Peter Woo who claims to be your business Associate/Partner in Nigeria. The said Mr. Peter Woo is claiming to us that you are dead and he would like to change all the information that you gave to us as the legal bona fide beneficiary. As you may know, the total amount in your favor is $30 million.

We need to confirm from you if it's really true that you are dead. If we do not hear from you it automatically means that you are actually dead and the information passed to us by Mr. Peter Woo is correct.

Your swift response will help this ministry a lot. Do email me with your full name and direct phone number for an easy communication, your age and occupation to this effect. Finally send your urgent response. Best regards.

-- Mrs Susan Abu, Secretary for the Federal Minister Finance

Dear Prince Abubu:

The truth is, I actually know two Peter Woo's who claim to be my business partners/associates in Nigeria. I hope that by not just knowing one Peter Woo like you asked, that I might be able to receive double the amount.

Now you stated that if I do not respond, it automatically means that I am actually dead. Does that mean that if I am alive now, but never respond that I will die? How much time do I have to do this? And if I am dead do I still get the money? I don't really mind if my information is changed as long as I get the money.

To get to the important issue, my life status. I honestly can't give you a good answer. Do dead people know they are dead? If you remember the movie, The Sixth Sense, the main character does not find out he's dead until the end of the movie. As you probably know, I am not quite as clever as Bruce Willis, and if I am dead, it would take me a lot longer then a few hours to figure it out. This brings up the age old question, do monkeys know that they are monkeys?

I hope my response was swift enough for you, I really do enjoy helping out ministries. My full name is Nurse Chris something (I can't remember it all but that should be close enough), my direct phone number for easy communication is 1-800-356-9377, I am 19 years old (possibly dead though) and I'm not quite sure what my occupation to this effect is. Finally, my urgent response is "Yes!"

If some or none of that information is helpful, I suggest you seriously consider looking into therapy, because obviously you are a confused individual.

-- Chris RN

Memory Fading

Dear Dr. Nello: